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And I am seriously worried about her mental health and her immediate future.
After two painful divorces, a job loss, and bankruptcy, she has truly hit rock-bottom. Being naive to the system that a person must wade through to try to recuperate, I am now a bit bitter at the system in general. For example:
My MIL had emergency gall-bladder surgery after she declared bankruptcy (literally about 2 days). The hospital social worker is trying to get her medical assistance, but she has to live in Illinois, where she is a resident. She is homeless, with 3 dollars to her name, and is staying with us in Pennsylvania. PA will not give her assistance while she lives with us because she has to report other household incomes in her application. So basically, in her eyes, she is screwed.
She is very depressed and has told my wife and I that we cannot help her. (Imagine my dismay, since we are basically sheltering her at this point.) I tried to convince her not to declare bankruptcy and I tried to convince her to move in with us, take some time (weeks, months) to get her to heal her mental state, and to possibly look for a job. I figured, at that point, that she would have recouped some finances to look for an apartment or something either here in PA or back in Illinois.
But she is hell-bent on doing it all herself. Her only assest is a her car, which she is threatening to drive back to Illinois and sleep out of, or possibly, to live at the YMCA or a shelter. At this point, I can't confront her and I can't chain her to the wall. But I am very, very worried.
What the situation boils down to is that I offered to pay all her debt and to pay for her apartment or have her live with us. She will let me do neither, and insists on doing it all on her own.
When will she realize that her self-percieved sacrifices are not lessening the burden, but only worsening the situation?
I do not mean to dump, but this has been eating at me for a month now, and the more my wife tries to shoulder her mother's decayed mental state, the crazier she has been acting as well.
I came home yesterday and my my mother-in-law was laying in bed with her eyes half open in a drug-induced haze. I discovered that night that my daughter's rear end wasn't even cleaned properly after a diaper change. Pissed off? Sure, initially. But mostly, just very sad and frustrated.
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{{{{{Alucard and family}}}}} Unfortunately I have no suggestions as I've never been in a similar situation, but I wanted to send my happy thoughts your way.
Posts: 4515 | Registered: Jul 2004
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Thanks Goody. I guess that I am initially frustrated that she will not accept our assistance other than our temporary arrangement with her living with us. She is talking to my wife about suicide, and her mother committed suicide at the age that my MIL is at now.
So this is not good. My wife called her only sibling, her brother Brad, and he basicially said that he cannot help his mom in any way, even though he lives in Illinois, and his mom paid some of his medical bills for his cancer treatments out of the settlement she received from her first marriage. The second marriage ended with the spouse day-trading some more of her settlement away in the stock market.
Would your MIL feel more comfortable accepting your help if you made her feel needed in some way?
Maybe you can ask her to stay as a favor to you. Ask her if she wouldn't mind staying with you to help you raise your daughter.
Posts: 1592 | Registered: May 2000
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Man, V, that is a good idea, and that is what I have been preaching to her. My wife and I can designate $5000 dollars a year to daycare as what our company calls Flexible Daycare Spending Account.
What this means is that she can live with us and watch our kids, and make $10,000 a year doing so, and she won't. If that is not maddening, I do not know what is.
Posts: 1870 | Registered: Mar 2003
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Your MIL sounds like the same generation as my grandparents--the no freaking way I'd ever accept help I'll do it myself generation.
If there's ANY way she'd talk to someone...that would be good. But it seems like she'd be against that, too.
She sounds severely depressed and seems understandable why.
*scratches head* vwiggin's idea could be a way. I mean, if there's any way to ask her what she will LET you do to help her. Or if she is hellbent on refusing a handout, figuring out how to make it not a handout, but a loan or she could do something in return.
*sigh* It sucks, alucard. Posts: 14745 | Registered: Dec 1999
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I mean, hell, it sounds like she's given up and, like any drowning victim, is fighting off help because her vision is clouded with what she already sees as her ultimate end.
Posts: 14745 | Registered: Dec 1999
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Thanks all, and Mack, I'm not going to give up on her, don't you worry. I just have a hard time not saying what I want to say and hoping my wife might say it. But more often than not, my wife and my MIL just dance around the important issues at hand and try not to offend each other. That is sad.
My mom and dad are also visiting every other day or so to keep her company. She has been seeing a doctor in IL, but does not have the ability to pay to see a doctor in PA. Like I said, I WOULD pay gladly for her to get better, but I am afraid that she is unwilling to progress.
I suppose I can console myself in the fact that she has no money to get back to Chicago, UNLESS her mafia boyfriend sends her a check. This would almost make a good plot for a book or TV show if it weren't so painful.
I would venture to say that many of us have stood at the brink of our own sanity and have pulled back to reality and have recovered. She is one person who has made that journey more than any person should, and to her credit, has fought back in the past. She is exhausted.
But I do make her laugh, and I do believe my parents got her out of the house for the first time since she moved in with us.
I am scared, but I will hope time will provide her the change in her circumstances to heal her heart and her mind, and eventually, her spirit.
This took me years to accomplish with my wife, so I am in no hurry. However, I do not want her to come to the conclusion that life is hopeless. That is the biggest challenge lately.
Complain about something - the lack of available childcare or how difficult it is to get to and so on.
Within earshot of MIL.
Let her "discover" a problem that she can take the initiative on and present a solution - that way it seems less like a handout and more of a "she's presenting a solution to a problem that benefits us both."
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(((Alucard and family))) I don't have much to say, unfortunately, but I care for you and I will think of you in the next days. I hope it'll help Posts: 3526 | Registered: Oct 2001
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Thank you both, and everyone here. I will try anything and I appreciate the kind thoughts more than you know.
As I eluded to, this subject has definitely had an impact on my marriage and my wife's sanity has been tested by her mom's condition and state of affairs. Plus, her father continues to tell my wife that we are wasting our time and money by sheltering her and she feels pressure from both parents. They have basically made her choose one side or the other in the past, and now that she is harboring her mother, her father is pissed.
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If she is doing drugs send her to rehab or Jail, they will take care of her there. Much of her despondence may be chemical, do not enable her to continue the drugs out of compassion.
Compassion can mean ruthless action as well as long suffering patience.
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For my own selfish reasons and personal self-despair, this song by The Who and redone by Limp Bizkit comes to mind:
No one knows what it's like To be the bad man To be the sad man Behind blue eyes And no one knows What it's like to be hated To be faded to telling only lies [chorus] But my dreams they aren't as empty As my conscious seems to be I have hours, only lonely My love is vengeance That's never free No one knows what its like To feel these feelings Like i do, and i blame you! No one bites back as hard On their anger None of my pain woe Can show through [chorus]
No one knows what its like To be mistreated, to be defeated Behind blue eyes No one know how to say That they're sorry and don't worry I'm not telling lies [chorus] No one knows what its like To be the bad man, to be the sad man Behind blue eyes.
quote: If she is doing drugs send her to rehab or Jail, they will take care of her there. Much of her despondence may be chemical, do not enable her to continue the drugs out of compassion.
No, that is not the issue. My wife and I are both pharmacists, and she is taking too much Klonopin, for anxiety. Klonopin is very much like Valium, and can be very sedating in higher doses, that's all.
I am watching closely, and I have to pay for her prescriptions, anyway. So, I can monitor her usage that way as well.
Posts: 1870 | Registered: Mar 2003
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Alucard, I respect you immensely. For being so patient with your wife and her family, and all the difficult things you have to deal with. Men like you give all the other men out there a good name, and we salute you.
I don't have any advice other than do what you're doing and keep on trying. I wish you luck.
Posts: 8355 | Registered: Apr 2003
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Wow. Best of luck with this situation. My mother has moved in with us, but she is employed and has medical insurance. Otherwise, her story is similar - marriage imploded, spouse did some terrible things with money, causing them to have none, and when the hurricane destroyed their house by dropping a big oak tree on it, she discovers that her spouse didn't pay the insurance. That happened after she moved in with us - they were at that point already separated but still, they weren't divorced yet and her name is still on teh mortgage, KWIM?
(((hug))) It's so very hard to see parents desperately needing help - but I know you want to provide it and you'll find a way to do so. I'm very, very lucky in my situation - it's worked out to be an advantage for all of us.
Posts: 14428 | Registered: Aug 2001
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Holy crap Belle, a hurrican dropped an oak tree on your mom's house and...wow, I can't believe he didn't pay the insurance. That's awful. Posts: 14745 | Registered: Dec 1999
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Yeah, it sucks. Here's what happened (sorry for the hijack)
The insurance wasn't through escrow - they had to pay it, and the insurance company always needed it in a lump sum. Well, the insurance agent was stepdad's cousin. When it came due, she asked him to call his cousin and ask if they could make payments because they were in such dire financial straits. He says he'll take care of it. Well, when Mom moves out, she leaves behind all financial records pertaining to the house, because she used to do all the bills and stuff. In that was the insurance notice, already several months late, and she left it with a note for him to call right away. She also said she'd send him half the money.
One week after she moves in with us Ivan hits. Big old oak tree in backyard, probably hundred years old or so, drops right on the roof and takes out more than half the roof. Add in the rain damage, and it's completely destroyed, the estimate from a contractor was that it was a $60,000 repair job, minimum. Major structural damage, cracked foundation, it was awful. No one was hurt.
So, MOm is probably going to have to declare bankruptcy. She's filed for divorce but the paperwork isn't through yet.
Posts: 14428 | Registered: Aug 2001
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Yes, she is moving out already. I cannot believe it. I poured my heart out to her last night and it did not matter one bit.
Last night my wife tucked her mom in and her mother basically admitted that staying with us was probably a "good idea".
Today she warned my wife that my parents needed to watch the kids while we were at work because she was probably going back to Chicago. I thought my wife was going to break apart right there.
I lost it. I sent my children to the car and I confronted her and was very angry. She is still very sensitive from her divorce 10 years ago, and I used that like a knife to carve into her already broken heart. I told her my conversation with her ex-husband and how I was not going to take his advice and that I believed in her and her ability to get better. I told her that I couldn't leave her to rot like he did, and if she was going to leave, then I was wrong and her ex was right. She is selfish and only cares about herself, and will not let those who love her help her.
I told her that her daughter told me last night that she couldn't take it any more and that I held her in my arms while she cried herself to sleep. I told her that my son was very sad and confused, and was afraid that he couldn't love both his grandparents.
And I told her that even if she hated me for what I was saying, I would never give up on her, bad decisions or not, and would always be there for her. If I had to choose a relationship with her or her ex-husband, I would choose her always.
And she is still leaving.
I don't know what I am going to do. She is going back to the empty apartment that we moved her out of, with a car full of clothes, and whatever money we give her. We still have her few pieces of furniture and other belongings.
So she will sit in a completely empty apartment and hope to get assistance in Illinois.
God bless her because I am exhausted.
Posts: 1870 | Registered: Mar 2003
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My wife just called and asked me what if she goes back to Chicago and falls apart again? She only has a month to pull it together and get medical and psychological help. And with no undue pressure, of course, find a job or assistance by which to survive.
I am very doubtful of her chances, as is my wife, and she is already speculating about what we should do next month.
Should the door ALWAYS be open?
Posts: 1870 | Registered: Mar 2003
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Alucard, I don't think any of us has a real answer for that. You and your wife are the only ones who know what's really going on. Anything we offer is based on speculation and how we interpret things.
All I can say is go with what feels right to you.
I wish you the best of luck. You've got a difficult situation to deal with. But from everything else you've said, I don't doubt your ability to do what's best at all. You'll figure it out. Posts: 8355 | Registered: Apr 2003
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Thanks Quid. I didn't get a chance to get home before she took off, so I didn;t even get the chance to say goodbye. This is a person with no self esteem and who is mentally ill and depressed. Still, I would like to keep the door open always. For my wife, however, it is too painful. She can't keep having her mom intrude into her life, make her crazy, and adversely affect our children time and time again. Plus, my wife's recent state of mind is affecting the children as well. I haven't seen my wife all day, and just got the news that my mother-in-law left. My wife apologized and I firmly but gently asserted that my wife does not have to apologize for her mother's actions.
But because I confronted her mom, I am now the bad guy in my MIL's eyes. I would have gladly fulfilled that role as the scape goat if she would have stayed.
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Alucard, I understand what you're saying - in my own little way.
I reached the point a long time ago where it just made a lot more sense for my own emotional wellbeing to cut my parents out of my life. They did so much damage that it was the only way I could heal and move on. I did that about a decade ago, and it was the best thing for me.
They haven't changed - and there's a whole long story that I won't get into - and they're still not worth me having anything to do with them. They will never again be a part of my life.
Others in my life don't understand this. Too bad. It's my life, not theirs.
For your wife - and you'll have to figure this out with her - it may be better to disassociate from her mother for a while. It may be the only way for her to continue healing. Sometimes, it's the only way to get really good perspective on the situation. It may be for a little while, it may be for a long time, or maybe it isn't necessary at all. I don't know. That's something that you'll have to figure out.
But it sounds like you're already willing to do whatever it takes to protect your wife and kids, and help out her family however you can. With that willingness, in conjunction with your wife, you'll figure it out. Just continue being thoughtful, considerate, and loving, and you'll figure it out.
Posts: 8355 | Registered: Apr 2003
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Your MIL made the decision (perhaps an uninformed one because of medical issues but she made it nonetheless) to go back to Chicago and deal with it herself. To me, that's the cue to stay out of her problems unless and until she opens the door and ASKS for your help and assistance. Not demands because she's mom, not just shows up on your front step, but makes an active and concerted effort to talk to the two of you and your wife's sibs about what's going on.
I'd also try and get in touch with her physician here in Illinois and let him know what happened while she was with you. He may need this information to be able to treat her appropriately and to determine if possibly she's enough of a threat to herself and others to investigate a supervised residential facility or other arrangements for her.
If I were you, I'd be focusing on my own family now and trying to repair the damage that this short interlude seems to have caused. Your kids are likely to be hurting inside, wondering why Grandma suddenly left like she did, and they're going to need extra love and attention.
Now, if and when your MIL does open up to you and your wife in the future, you should take the time up front, before any living arrangements are changed, etc., to define parameters of your assistance as much as you possibly can.
{{{{{{{{{hugs to you and your family}}}}}}}}}
Posts: 4515 | Registered: Jul 2004
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