My step-mother's dad died this morning. He was 90, and he went quickly, and my step-mom got back from Girls' Camp in time to hold his hand and talk to him. I'm glad for that.
I found out because my dad cc'ed the weekly e-mail that goes to my missionary brother to me, and he mentioned it there. I'll send flowers to my step-mom, but...I'm not sure if I should call. I'm confused.
Why didn't they call to tell me? My dad called to tell me when my brother's mother-in-law died. My brother's MIL was found by the 19-year-old daughter, and after I sent flowers and spent some time thinking about it, I starting getting really, really worried about that girl. I wanted somebody to make sure she was taken care of. I'm sure that was because it touched close enough to my own story that I turned the distress that caused into something socially acceptable. I've noticed that - for whatever twisted reason, sometimes the things I do are modeled directly on what I wish someone had done for me when I was in that situation.
Anyway, so I called my step-mom, who seemed like a logical choice and asked her just to make sure the girl was okay. That was that weird conversation where she said it wasn't any of her business, and no doubt the girl was fine. That sort of annoyed me, because that was the same general attitude that ... left me broken for so long afterward. I SHOULD have been fine, so no one needed to do anything. I got off the phone and called my dad. By this time, I was practically in tears, and I begged my dad to make sure that girl was taken care of. It was one of the really good conversations with my dad, and he promised to do so. Oh, thank heavens. Yay! I think I even posted about that. I was very touched and grateful.
Okay, I didn't hear anything about the flowers, but are you supposed to? I mean, you can't call everyone that sends flowers at a time like that, and I left a message on the voice mail. No one answered, but that's par and I thought everything was fine.
But for this, now I don't know. Do they not want to talk to me in person? This is the first time my dad has cc'ed me a letter to my brother. It's like hearing it through the grapevine. In that situation, am I supposed to call them? Maybe my step-mom doesn't want to hear from me. I don't know what to do.
And now I'm wondering if what I did after Todd's MIL died was so incredibly horrible. And if it was, jeez, I wasn't trying to be. I remember that the Christmas after I got back from my mission, I had a hard time Christmas morning, and was crying in my room when my dad came in and told me to stop being maudlin - I was bringing down Nyla. My dad's a serious idiot sometimes, and he holds firmly with the "Side with the one who kisses you" theory family disagreements.
I don't know what to do now. Should I call? Not call? Send a return e-mail? Just send flowers? Call my grandpa, explain how I'm so confused, and see if he could take care of it? I don't know if that would work - I've never tried it before, and there's not a good track record for that kind of the thing for the people in Utah. Should I wait for them to call me? I don't think that's going to happen. I don't know what to do.
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This leads to my second dillemma. I want to visit my grandpa. My grandpa is adorable, he loves me, he sends me letters about books, and when I was so horribly depressed when I first moved to Dallas, my grandpa's the only one that didn't tell me to just stop choosing to be miserable. He's also the only one that said that if I didn't want to marry Michael, that was okay - I didn't have to get married if I didn't want to. He made me feel loved without obligations like no one else did, and I want to see him. He wants me to come to Utah, and I want to come.
I don't want to see anyone else. I don't want to fly to Utah and spend the next three weeks trying to put myself back together, as is the normal procedure whenever I go there and see them. My baby brother isn't there. Is there any way I can go to Utah and see my grandpa without seeing anyone else and not have it be a huge deal? No, I can't ask my grandpa not to tell anyone - I don't want to put him in that awkward position. This is exactly the reason I haven't gone yet. I don't know, though - they don't want to see me. I don't want to give them an opportunity to show how much they are indifferent as to whether I'm there or not. I don't have that much vacation time and I'd rather not spend it putting myself into a love-starved binge. How can I see my grandpa?
posted
A certain amount of just not caring or thinking about it can go really far when people you love treat you badly. Go see your grandpa. Have a wonderful time. Let them know you were there when you get home, in the postscript to an email to someone else. If they are offended by that it's their lookout.
Oh, and I don't think you need to acknowledge your step mother's loss at all, given the way they went about letting you know. Had they written or called you directly, of course you would have sent sympathy and flowers. They didn't seem to consider you in that light, so my guess is they wouldn't notice or care one way or another, sadly.
<<<<<<<<<<<katharina>>>>>>>>>>>>>>
You do have family, dear kat. You are certainly in MY family, as well as many others here in hatrack, I know.
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posted
*hugs anne kate* Thank you, dear. I don't know. I don't know what to do. I want to be good, and I want to do the right thing, but I don't want to keep hoping and begging for something that's enver going to happen. It really screws me up - I can feel myself hesitating and pulling back whenever I start to get close to just about any people, and logically I don't want to do that, and then something like this happens, or my brother cuts me from the wedding list in favor of a roommate, or I hear about how my dad "used" to be proud of me, and I think, "Oh yeah. Not giving people the power to hurt me is EXACTLY what I want to do."
If I go to Utah, I can stay with MollyOlly in South Salt Lake. Alternatively, if I stay with the grandparents (and he has offered in an attempt to entice me into coming), I can use their car so I don't have to rent one. That would make things cheaper. *thinks* Maybe I'll look for plane tickets. I don't want to cheat myself out of getting to see him.
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kat, I know you're just trying to do the right thing and make other people happy... but it sounds like following etiquette and trying to make other people happy are making you miserable. If they aren't going to treat you with respect, too bad for them. Just don't waste any more time or thought on them. Life is too short to live it for someone else.
And if you DO have friends and family who respect you and make you happy, then by all means visit them! And don't waste a second worrying about whether or not you "should" be spending a certain number of miserable hours with relatives you don't really care to be around. Posts: 1681 | Registered: Jun 2004
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What the-poster-formerly-known-as-Ayelar ( )said. And Zevlag. And ak.
Don't ask yourself what you think you should do -- that hasn't worked too well with these particular people in the past. Unfortunate, but true, neh?
In general I'm not a big believer in "do whatever you feel like," but in these circumstances, I think that is probably the only healthy thing to do. Anyway, any aspersions they may choose to make aside, it doesn't sound like you are feeling like doing anything all that bad. Quite the contrary, it sounds like you are dealing gracefully with a VERY difficult situation.
You have done "should" with them many, many times. To my understanding, it has rarely failed to come back and bite you, neh? So, try something different this time. And be secure in the knowledge that you ARE doing what is best for you -- and for them, because allowing them to hurt you isn't good for them either.
(((((Katie))))) Love you, sister-friend.
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I don't know. I just don't want to have all communication shut down completely - rather, I don't want to be the one to cause all communication to shut down completely. There has to be some sort of compromise where it doesn't, but I don't set myself up. I don't know what it is.
My step-mother's dad died. Shouldn't I do something? That must really suck - that's the last of her parents. I want to do something - that's a dreadful thing. *thinks*
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You know, sometimes people really don't want you to do anything for them. I know I've been in situations where sympathy from another person just makes me feel worse. Given how they chose to inform you, I'd bet that they really don't expect and might not even want any condolences.
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((Katie)) I'd send flowers, and maybe a hand-written condolence card if you want to go that extra mile. The contact may seem like you were told as an afterthought, but your Dad has never been really sensitive about such things, has he? He's probably all tied up with comforting his wife. That's probably his priority. Plus, he probably thinks this death won't affect you guys much, not having been super close to the guy. (?)
Contact your grandpa and go see him. Tell him you just want to visit with him and keep it on the QT with the other family, so they won't feel left out. He'll probably be touched. If he asks why, just tell him you miss spending time with him and don't want to spread yourself too thin visiting everyone (and making everyone feel like they have to switch their schedules because of your visit).
Just my two cents. Hope it works out well, dearie. *hug*
Posts: 1664 | Registered: Apr 2004
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quote: My grandpa is adorable, he loves me, he sends me letters about books, and when I was so horribly depressed when I first moved to Dallas, my grandpa's the only one that didn't tell me to just stop choosing to be miserable. He's also the only one that said that if I didn't want to marry Michael, that was okay - I didn't have to get married if I didn't want to. He made me feel loved without obligations like no one else did, and I want to see him.
He's the one you need to keep in touch with, and often! From your description of him, I love him.
Wouldn't it be wonderful if everyone had at least one person in their family like your grandpa, to balance out the emotions? My grandmother was like that. I just knew she loved me. She didn't even have to tell me. Every time we spoke or saw each other I felt so loved. I miss her.
posted
I know what you mean about not wanting to be the one that permanently shuts down family communication. However, from what you've posted here over the years, it sounds like they're just not receptive to you. Maybe they've blown something you've said or done in the past out of proportion, and assume you're smothering them when you're not. They do sound pretty lame.
Perhaps a break in this one-sided struggle wouldn't kill communication, but instead give them enough space to realize they're treating you badly and snap out of it.
They do say absence makes the heart grow fonder.... Posts: 1681 | Registered: Jun 2004
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*hugs tightly* I can't tell you how much I appreciate it.
I bought a card this morning and mailed it at work. I think I'll call my grandpa this afternoon - maybe he knows where the funeral is, and I can send flowers. Ticket prices are supposed to go down in September - maybe I'll go to Utah then. I'll have more money then, too.
I have to stop thinking about this. I can't take it.
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Actually CT, Steve and I have been thinking of doing something similar to what you describe next year, while visiting either my Great Aunt (who wouldn't tell psychograndma that I was in the vicinity) or visiting my friends in California.
I feel slightly guilty for even considering it though.
posted
As usual, CT took the words out of my mouth, both about sending flowers and a card, and about talking to your grand father about how best to handle the situation. Even if he didn't come up with any solutions that you hadn't thought of already, talking to him about it would give you an opportunity to talk to a kind, perceptive, loving relative about the situation, which I think would help, and would also communicate to him that you wanted to see him, even if you don't end up visiting.
I don't know how close you are to your grandfather, or how able he is to get around, but would it be possible to buy him a ticket to come and visit you, or would that be strange?
I am sorry you are going through this. Family can be confusing. I do hope you go to see your grandpa.
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Hope you figure out what's best for you. It's been my experience that after someone with family that treats them badly demonstrates that they don't need those particular family members and can get along fine and be perfectly happy without them, and after they build a happy life for themselves totally independent of those family members, then those very same family members begin to want to call them and visit them and be around them all the time.
The reason, though, is that all along the family members had no extra spirit, love, joy, or whatever to GIVE. Once they see that you DO have those things, then they want to be around you because you can now give them to THEM.
This sounds a lot colder and harsher than I really mean. Everyone is sort of a confused child. Everyone. They all naturally gravitate toward the things that they need. It is only after you begin to seem to them to be a source instead of a sink that they will seek you out and want to give you their love, and they will value your love in return.
By the time this happens, of course, you are independent of the need for their love. But it's still nice to have. Also, by then they need you, and there's joy in being there for those who need you too.
So the thing at this point is to just be independent. Open up your heart and let them go. Seek your path among those who do love and value you, such as your grandfather, and hatrack. Make no apologies for doing so. Write your own story.
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((((((((((Kat)))))))))) Family situations can be very hard to deal with. I don't have any advice, but you're in my thoughts.
Posts: 3526 | Registered: Oct 2001
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kat:"Is there any way I can go to Utah and see my grandpa without seeing anyone else and not have it be a huge deal?"
I know this isn't the answer you want, but I don't think so. With any family I know, this would be a problem. That is, it would cause so many future problems, the resolution of which would be more painful than biting the bullet to begin with. Your family might be different from every other family I know, but what are the chances?
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Yeah, I was afraid of that. Maybe...maybe Grandma can have Sunday dinner and invite over everyone. That could work.
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I was thinking, and this might actually work in my family.
Would it help if you put out the word in a couple ears (way in advance) that you'd like to spend time with just your granparents because they aren't getting any younger and you want to make memories to keep while they are here on earth?
(This would work in my family except my grandparents are the last people on earth I want to spend time with.)
posted
I was thinking that I almost need to visit soon so it's less of a big deal. It's been over a year since I was there, and if I skip another Christmas without visiting in between, I'm thinking I'm going to turn into an even greater puzzling legend.
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And now I'm wondering if what I did after Todd's MIL died was so incredibly horrible. And if it was, jeez, I wasn't trying to be. I remember that the Christmas after I got back from my mission, I had a hard time Christmas morning, and was crying in my room when my dad came in and told me to stop being maudlin - I was bringing down Nyla. My dad's a serious idiot sometimes, and he holds firmly with the "Side with the one who kisses you" theory family disagreements. 
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)said. And Zevlag. And ak.![[Smile]](smile.gif)
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Don't let her get to you that way. You have a right to do what's best for you. (((((AJ)))))
