Topic: Group Dynamics (Nevermind, it's now a non-issue)
Boon
unregistered
posted
Having a problem with a group my husband's joined:
The "leader" is a very nice, married man. They have three kids, who get along well with my kids. I really like his wife. Their kids could use a bit more dicipline, IMO, but that's beside the point...
One "member" is a divorced dad, lives a few hours away, and is very nice as well. He brought me a book as a gift, need I say more?
One "member" I haven't met yet. He lives with his mother, I think, a couple of hours away.
And the last "member"...he's a married empty-nester.
Okay, so all these other members have known each other for at least a few months, some of them for a few years. I just met the leader about a month ago, and the divorcee and the empty-nester last weekend.
Anyway...I got a wierd feeling when I met the empty-nester. He was polite, didn't do or say anything particularly wrong, but I'm just not comfortable about him.
I told my husband this the night I met the guy, and he's been encouraging me to tell the leader how I feel. So I did. I sent him an email last night.
This morning, he sent me a reply that basically said "I like the guy just fine, you're out of line, and don't talk bad about the members any more."
Should I have just kept my mouth shut? Should I not have opinions? Shouldn't the leader of a group know that I'm not comfortable leaving my children alone with one of his members, when he's the one responsible for assigning duties to the group when we're all together? Am I nuts?
posted
The leader is wrong. He would have a point if you were talking to the group as a whole -- but it sounds like you JUST spoke to him, neh? He's getting awfully defensive, seems to me. And I would bet money he blind cc'd the other guy on the response he sent to you.
Now, your intuition/feeling could be off-base. But you are certainly more than entitled to say "Sorry, but I would not be comfortable having this guy alone with my kids," for any reason.
You didn't really elaborate on the nature of the group -- is having any of these men alone with your kids something that is actually likely to happen? Or is it more for the guys themselves?
Posts: 32919 | Registered: Mar 2003
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quote:This morning, he sent me a reply that basically said "I like the guy just fine, you're out of line, and don't talk bad about the members any more."
What the heck kind of group is this? What's the benefit to your husband of being a member? (He seems supportive of you -- would he quit the group if you continued to be this uncomfortable?)
Posts: 2919 | Registered: Aug 2004
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Boon
unregistered
posted
It's an "outdoors" group, meaning that the people close enough all go camping together about once a month. This occurs in every region. Then, about once a year, all the groups get together for a huge campout.
It's a possiblity that, at some point, he may be assigned the duty of teaching the children in the group something, or taking a group of them to a pond to fish or something, while the rest of the adults did something else. This is the situation I'm trying to head off.
I did NOT speak to the group about this. The only people I've expressed these feelings to are the leader and my husband.
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Boon
unregistered
posted
My husband trusts me, and trusts my feelings. All of the other members in our area live in the city, so naturally they want to come camp out here.
When I talked to him this morning, he said: "Say whatever you need to say, and we'll deal with it. If things don't work out with this group...well, we'll just move on."
posted
Possibly, instead of making it about that one guy, you should make it about overall policy about children. In general, in any public group, one adult should never be alone with children. There should always be two unrelated adults present, or at least within eyesight. This protects the children, and protects the adults from accusations.
Many churches are currently working through these policies, and there’s a lot of writing on how to introduce them without seeming to accuse or say you don’t trust someone.
If this is a formally organized group, a child-protection policy of some sort should be in their guidelines/policies/rules anyway, for liability reasons. (One of the wonderful times when something you have to do “for liability reasons” is actually what’s best for all concerned.
Posts: 9866 | Registered: Apr 2002
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posted
Awesome advice, dkw. And if you can't work it out to your satisfaction, Boon, then it must nice to know that your husband has clear priorities, with you at the center.
Posts: 2919 | Registered: Aug 2004
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Boon
unregistered
posted
Hrmph!
Well, talked to the "leader" (and I'm now using that term loosely) the other night. I said my piece, told him I had expected him to say something like "Okay, I'll make sure your feelings are taken into consideration until you're more comfortable with him" and that I was dissappointed in his reply.
This was not the first issue I've raised to my husband about this group, merely the last. The proverbial straw/camel scenario.
So we decided that we'd withdraw from the area group, but stay in the national part (as dues-paying members) and just go to the events that we wanted to go to. See, one of the "requirements" of this "leader" is that all of his "members" have to go camping once a month, as a group, wherever he decides we're going. This month, the campout was here at our property. Next month, they're going to a big state-run public hunting thing. (Can you imagine how retarded my husband and I thought it is to go CAMPING with CHILDREN where people are HUNTING?!?) Anyway, it's posted on the website in several places that you don't have to be in an area group to be a member of the national group.
Anyway, the "leader" got mad, went crying to the guy that runs the website, told a pack of lies and got us kicked off.
Well, it turns out that the "leader" is running his "group" like a lordship, with his dictator, the webmaster. Everyone there is either a hiney-smoocher, or just doesn't post much. If you disagree with the "experts" you're labelled an idiot or a newbie.
A warning to anyone who recognizes the group I'm talking about: Don't question authority, don't tell anyone you can think for yourself, and don't EVER decide to voice your opinions or they'll kick you off too!
Good riddance, I say.
My husband says, "What a bunch of little babies. I don't need this! To hell with them!" HA!
Edited to add: Have I said lately how much I love it here? How much I appreciate being "allowed" to have a differing opinion? Thank you all!
posted
The guy that runs the whole thing is the one that kicked us off: the DICTATOR. There's no one to complain to, he's IT.
Anyway, certain people, ie: not the "leader" and not the "empty-nester" actually would be welcome here, as would any of you (at least once, anyway).
The "leader" has a bad habit of stating his opinions and making decisions on behalf of the "group" without even consulting them. If he had, he never would have said that none of his group members even want to come out here anymore, as that simply isn't true.
Anyway, I don't even want to be part of thier silliness anymore. I gave it a chance because it was something my husband wanted. It didn't work out. It's over.
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posted
What the hell is an "empty-nester" and why does every time you use it seem like an added pejorative at this guy? I'm asking because you're being very vague on details regarding your distrust of the person who ultimately led to this troublesome situation, and it seems more like the group leader and the webmaster were the punks in this case, not the original guy you suspected of being fishy.
Posts: 1170 | Registered: Jan 2003
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posted
An empty nester is somebody who used to have children at home, but now they've grown up and left the nest.
I'm torn between asking what this organization is so that I can be wary of it in the future, and the desire to not pry and not gossip.
Posts: 16551 | Registered: Feb 2003
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posted
Justa -- I felt she was using the term "empty-nester" only to give us a clue as to the age-range of this individual. Probably mid-to-late 40s or more for his kids to all be grown and gone.
I don't think she was using it as a derogative term at all... Farmgirl
Posts: 9538 | Registered: Aug 2003
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posted
This whole board is a gossip palace when people discuss their personal lives with others. Complaining about work, talking about friends or associates who aren't here, discussing family, and describing the smelly guy at the bus stop you passed by this morning... these are all gossip. Some of the gossip can turn into advice, but it often does not.
Posts: 1170 | Registered: Jan 2003
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quote: This whole board is a gossip palace when people discuss their personal lives with others. Complaining about work, talking about friends or associates who aren't here, discussing family, and describing the smelly guy at the bus stop you passed by this morning... these are all gossip. Some of the gossip can turn into advice, but it often does not.
If you feel that way and don't like it, then why do you stick around?
Posts: 4089 | Registered: Apr 2003
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