posted
We thought we were prepared for it, but not quite this much.
I am refering to parental prefernce, but this has gone a bit too far.
At first Sasha feared me. That has turned around 100%. Now he wants to spend all of his time with me, and not with Momma.
Each time he says, "I no like Momma" Cindy hurts a little.
Yet we know its a phase that he is going through.
Yesterday I asked him, "Why don't you like Momma?"
He responded, "Momma do bad job. Momma hurt Sasha." I asked him to explain. "Momma hit Sasha's tushy...with a stick."
Now we are not wholey against corporal punishment, but neither Momma or I have done much more than slapping a hand reaching for a hot stove or sharp knife. Sasha has done nothing to deserve a spanking, and neither of us would ever, ever, use a stick.
There is NO possibility that Momma hit Sasha's tushy with a stick.
So, from those with kids out there, is this something normal? From those more expert in child endangerment situations, should I be worried about others.
Do kids often make up stories like this?
Is it possibly a story that one of the kids in his new school/day care told him and he is passing it on as happening to him?
Is it likely that one of the "momma's" from his orphanage paddled him, and he only remembers it as coming from "Momma"--that he's confusing his present mother with his mothers from 5 months ago?
His lack of English language skills is making this difficult, but is this something I should worry about, or am I being a panicy new pappa?
Posts: 11895 | Registered: Apr 2002
| IP: Logged |
posted
How old is your little one? It makes a difference in what may be going on. What country is Sasha from? That also makes a difference. I would say, though, that if you are really worried about it, you might want to look into having a child psychologist talk to him. He or she would be able to help Sasha adjust and deal with any abuse/other issues left over from prior mistreatment.
Posts: 21182 | Registered: Sep 2004
| IP: Logged |
posted
Ketchupqueen: Sasha is 4 years old, and recently (4 months ago) adopted from Russia.
Farmgirl: This is what I'm thinking. Added to the fact he had to go under minor but painful surgery where mommy tried to help, and it appears we have a lot of work in our future rebuilding trust.
Posts: 11895 | Registered: Apr 2002
| IP: Logged |
posted
Dan, I think, given this information, that is a likely hypothesis. When kids are 4, the line between fantasy and reality is very thin. Similarly, the line between what happened then, what is happening now, and what will happen in the future is blurry. He could be associating your wife with people who did this to him, or with things he saw done to others. I really do recommend a couple of sessions with a child therapist to try to find out exactly what happened and help him disassociate. You should also talk to him yourself about when this happened and to whom and assure him that Momma is not going to hurt him, that you will do everything you can to keep him from being hurt and so will she.
Posts: 21182 | Registered: Sep 2004
| IP: Logged |
posted
Dan_Raven: you and your wife have my sympathies.
Kids can be pretty manipulative. Sasha may realize that there is something powerful in the allegation that he's making-- it gains him attention at the very least. He knows that someone pays attention to him when he says that he doesn't like your wife, and that may be the reaction he's looking for.
Posts: 14554 | Registered: Dec 1999
| IP: Logged |
posted
Dan, I would take him to a psychologist just so that he or she can help y'all to clear things up. It's not at all uncommon for toddlers to make up stories or confuse events and Sasha has been through a lot in his short life. He might also need help working through his feelings about his previous "mommas" and separating them from his Momma (Cindy).
It wouldn't be much of a problem, except that you can't have him telling people that you or Cindy are hurting him when you're not. Even though most early childhood teachers are familiar with toddlers' flights of fancy, they are still required to look into any claim of abuse. You don't need or deserve that hassle.
BTW, preferring one parent over another is not limited to adopted children. One of our friends was telling us that he's never experienced rejection like when his 4-year-old (biological) daughter said to him, "Not you, I want Mommy." Incidentally, he himself was adopted.
Posts: 3037 | Registered: Jan 2002
| IP: Logged |
posted
Dan, we had the similar problem two days ago. I saw three little U's on Jesse's back that were kinda red, and I was pretty certain Jesse had gotten them when Jillian grabbed him and scratched him with her nails.
But I thought better safe than sorry, and asked Jesse how he had hurt his back. He told me, "Daddy hit me with a hammer."
Now, I know Jesse's with me all day and almost never alone with his Dad (not that I'd be concerned to leave them alone, that's just the way our childcare is set up) and that his dad would never hit him with a hammer.
But I'm not the kind of person to just blow something completely off by saying "Dad wouldn't do that" because I've heard too many stories of parents refusing to believe the truth about their abusive spouses. In other words, I trust Jes but I stay vigilant. It's sad that I have to be that way, but I know Jes is the same with me because we have talked about it before.
At any rate Jesse told me which hammer "Daddy hit him with" and I compared the hammer to the scratches on his back and they didn't even compare. I didn't expect that they would. Then the scratches were gone an hour later, so it was obviously a surface wound that he had gotten just during that time we had been playing.
But it really disturbed me that he said his Dad had hurt him, and it also worried me that he might say something like that to someone else. So I talked to him about it again; he finally said that Daddy had never hit him with the hammer. (We've been gaining a lot of progress in the "Real vs. Pretend" area.) I had to explain to him that it's not a good thing to say someone hurt you if they didn't, but if they really did it's okay to stick to your story.
I know for sure that Jes and I have never hit Jesse with something, although we do swat hands that are trying to pry plugs out of the socket, or bums that are out of the bathwater because a kid is standing in the tub. In other words, I swat as a warning in a dangerous situation. I have also bitten my children when they have bitten me, and I've only ever had to do it once with each kid.
My point is that I'm not completely against all forms of corporal punishment, but we've never done anything like Jesse described.
The difference is that Jesse was really nonchalant about the whole thing, as if he knew it was just a story. Sasha seems to really believe what he's saying. Poor Sasha and Mommy. Posts: 6367 | Registered: Aug 2003
| IP: Logged |
It seems like there has been a lot of response on this in the same way I can give. Kids can make up lots of stories and can be very very clever with them- you're lucky you can tell that Sasha is lying; I've had very convincing half-truths put to me that I've completely assumed were true. Most children develop a preference for one parent and although I'm not a parent I can see how much it hurts and angers my Dad when my youngest sister (just five) always asks for 'Mummy' to put her to bed.
I'm afraid I can't offer anything else but consolation. Perhaps most children grow out of making up stories (the fantasticalness of my sisters stories has gone down at least- now they're getting more true). You have to put emphasis on praising what is true, and treating it as more interesting than any pink elephants Sasha may come up with.
Posts: 8473 | Registered: Apr 2003
| IP: Logged |
posted
It doesn't seem like Sasha is purposely lying; If he were it wouldn't be causing him to stay away from his Mom.
Posts: 6367 | Registered: Aug 2003
| IP: Logged |
posted
It reminds me of my coworker and her 6 year old.
My coworker is married to a man who's job has him out of town for most of the week. Their daughter went to school and met a young friend there.
The friend said, "my parents are divorced."
"What's that?"
"That is where my Daddy doesn't live with us anymore. I only see him on the weekends."
"Oh! My parents are divorced too then."
So you can imagine the surprise when my coworker showed up at school to pick up her daughter, and was met by several sympathetic parents saying, "I'm sorry to hear about your divorce."
Posts: 11895 | Registered: Apr 2002
| IP: Logged |
posted
Even my 16 month old likes the power of making people afraid. But I think as long as he likes one of you there is chance for mending.
Posts: 11017 | Registered: Apr 2003
| IP: Logged |
posted
The difference between Sasha and most kids his age is that you don't know whether there has been an opportunity for this to happen. I agree that kids this age make up stories, but if you talk to him about the difference between real and pretend, then ask him again when this happened, how, etc. and think he is telling the truth, you need to help him deal with what happened and realize it's not going to again. That's why I suggest a child psychologist.
Posts: 21182 | Registered: Sep 2004
| IP: Logged |
posted
I agree with the idea that he has probably blurred the line between Mama and a orphanage worker. Be sure to talk to his pre school teacher about it; I don't know about the laws in your state, but in WA, if a child in my care told me their parents had hit them with anything but their open hand, I would be required by law to call CPS. Best of luck, I am sure the little guy is still very confused.
Posts: 1021 | Registered: Sep 2004
| IP: Logged |
quote:Kids can be pretty manipulative. Sasha may realize that there is something powerful in the allegation that he's making-- it gains him attention at the very least. He knows that someone pays attention to him when he says that he doesn't like your wife, and that may be the reaction he's looking for.
I wholeheartedly agree with this as a possibility.
Have you ever made a point to tell Sasha that mommy will never hit him? That mommy loves him and won't hurt him like that?
In the four year old mind, turning that around and making as if mommy DID do those things she was never going to do will indeed get him loads of attention.
Think about this, too - he likes spending time with you and is trying to bond to you. Awesome. Boys should bond with their fathers, and four year olds (my Daniel is four right now too) are in that stage where they will definitely show a preference for the parent of the same sex.
If you are trying to push him to bond with Cindy - which I understand - he may be pushing back. You're asking him questions he can't answer. He cannot articulate to you why he doesn't "like" Mommy. He just feels a need and desire to bond with Daddy right now. He cannot say "Dad, I do love Mommy, but right now I need to focus all my energies onto developing my relationship with you." He's not mature enough to vocalize his feelings, nor does he have the vocabulary.
So, when you ask him this question "Why don't you like mommy?" his little brain is scrambling for what to say - and it seizes on something that makes sense to him. You don't like people who hit you, so I'll tell him Mommy hit me and he'll understand.
I think this is a normal thing - and I think it's going to be okay, I would back off and quit trying to get him to tell you why he doesn't want to be around Cindy. I don't think he really CAN tell you. Continue to support his bonding with you, love him, and show him how much you love Cindy and that mommy is a part of us - we are one unit, together. The bonding will extend to Cindy, too.
It's going to be hell on Cindy. I mean, it sucks. But, patience is your best ally in this. That, and what you're already doing - lots of love, support, encouragement, and constant reassuring him that he is safe, that Mommy and daddy are a package deal and aren't going anywhere.
My now 7 year old used to tell people that Daddy broke her arm. We had DCFS and social workers and all kinds of stuff going on, even X-rays that showed that her arm had not been broken (can they really tell that a bone has never been broken in a 5 year old child via x-ray?) to dispute her claims because they didn't believe my say-so. Several months of this. One day I was walking around with a wrist brace on my right hand (I have carpal tunnel) and Missy grabbed one of her father's tube socks and wrapped it around her own arm, saying once again that her arm was broken.
***light bulb!!!***
When we were able to repeatedly show that my wrist brace and her imitative behavior was what she was referring to - she was playacting that she was hurt like Mommy was - they finally backed off.
Sasha may be reacting to something he's seen or heard others talking about, or it may be complete fantasy on his part. Or, as you speculate, he may be confusing Cindy with the Russian fosters. Do you have a counselor or someone similar that you work with as a result of the adoption that can maybe help you figure out what caused this?
quote:Have you ever made a point to tell Sasha that mommy will never hit him? That mommy loves him and won't hurt him like that?
I'd be careful with statements like this. You can't absolutely guarantee that mommy will NEVER have a reason to hit him as there may come a time where he truly needs a spanking to get his attention (i.e. naked butts out of the tub as posted earlier). And kids have amazing memories. You may unintentionally set up a situation where he "hates" mommy even more because of a promise daddy made when he was little.
Maybe instead you'd say something like "Mommy would never hurt you on purpose without a really really good reason, and even then she wouldn't want to do it." Must think on that comment a bit more...
posted
Yeah, they can see the place where the fracture fused back together; it never heals back to exactly the way it was before, and stays weaker there and more likely to be broken again in the future.
I know a man that was x-rayed recently and it was found that he had broken his collar bone at one time. After questioning his mother about it she recalled a time that he had fallen off the bed as a baby and was inconsolable for a long time afterward. He had broken a bone and know one ever found out.
The point is that they could still see where the fracture had been decades later.
Posts: 6367 | Registered: Aug 2003
| IP: Logged |
posted
Goody hit and spank are totally different things to me. I can tell my children "I will never hit you" and mean it. Spanking is discipline and correction (and see the spanking thread for when I use it and my philosophy on it) and it's not the same as hitting, at least in my household we don't treat them as the same thing.
Sasha's four - he can't parse "unless it's really, really important and only after making sure there is no other option or something to that effect."
And, I wasn't recommending Dan say those things to Sasha now, I was just pointing out that if he said them in the past, it may have planted a seed.
I don't think you and I disagree - I just want to clarify. Posts: 14428 | Registered: Aug 2001
| IP: Logged |
posted
Collarbones are the correlate to a wish bone and it's not uncommon for them to break in babies- even during birth. They actually fuse and then straigten out as they mend, apparently. That's what I heard, but I don't know if it was my Massage therapist or my M.D. I doubt anyone will try it to check
I think the promising never to hit is a puzzler as well. What if you need to dust their pockets?
Of course the American Pediatric Association has come out against spanking, but like the nursing for a year few parents listen.
Posts: 11017 | Registered: Apr 2003
| IP: Logged |
quote:I don't think you and I disagree - I just want to clarify.
Nope, no disagreement here To us there's a difference between hit and spank. Missy does use the two words interchangably and I thought that perhaps Sasha might also. But you are right in that Sasha wouldn't understand the altered wording I was suggesting. As I said myself, I wasn't sure about how it would work either. Glad for a supporting opinion there Posts: 4515 | Registered: Jul 2004
| IP: Logged |
Printer-friendly view of this topic
![[Frown]](frown.gif)
![[Smile]](smile.gif)
![[Angst]](graemlins/angst.gif)
![[Big Grin]](biggrin.gif)
Nope, no disagreement here 
