posted
These are the things you think about as a parent . . .
I have a policy that when one of my girls gets invited to a party, I bring just that girl, and not her sister. It works out fine. The girls aren't jealous, because they each get to go to some parties that the other doesn't go to. It gives them some good time as individuals, and the time spent going to and from the party is quality undiluted time that one daughter gets to spend with me. Someone I respect a great deal told me that I should make time to spend with each kid and only her (i.e., apart from her sister) so that each kid could have some of my undivided attention, and it seems like good advice. I only wish I could follow it more, and I'm happy for the opportunities to put it into practice. From the standpoint of the inviting family, if they invite one kid because she is in the same class as their son or daughter, they don't know about her sister and it seems rude to bring an extra unexpected kid, or to manipulate them into extending the invitation. We bring both when the invitation specifically invites both, or specifically says siblings are welcome.
Now, Mango is invited to a birthday party for a set of twins. She only knows one of the two because, like my kids, they are in different classrooms. I have debated whether she should bring a gift for just the one she knows, or gifts for both, and what I decided to do was get a slightly larger gift that was a two-person gift, like a Lite Brite easel we saw designed for two, with Lite Brite surfaces on both sides. Something worth maybe 1.5x to 2x what I would normally spend, and put both kids' names on it. What do you think of this idea?
We have never thrown the Big Birthday Party for the girls. We have always had family parties where we invite relatives and family friends who know both of them. Not a lot of kids their age to play with, but a lot of people who love them making them the center of attention. This year we might break down and do the Big Party Thing in the spring when their birthday comes. They are both attending the same school, they both seem to have friends, and they seem developmentally able to handle the sorts of activities common to Big Birthday Parties.
So, should I put people in the same dilemma, or seek to avoid it? See, I figure I can send people in Mango's class invitations for "Mango's Birthday Party," and people in Banana's class invitations for "Banana's Birthday Party" (but in fact have just one party, just different people get different invitations). If I do this, though, I run the risk that one of them will have more attendees, and thus get substantially more gifts (which honestly would not be such a big deal.) I also run the risk that some parents will be offended when they figure out that there are two kids, feeling that if they had known, they would have bought two gifts. Doubtless, some people who know both girls would bring two gifts, so I can see how someone who did not could feel outdone. On the other hand, I could be upfront that this is a party for twins, and put everyone in the same dilemma I faced. Some people might resent this, because they might feel pressured into buying two gifts, when their kids are only friends with one of mine.
On another note, parents, what the heck do you do with all the gifts you receive? My girls have always gotten just a modest amount of gift for Christmas and birthdays. We're not spoilers, and the girls don't really play with individual toys for very long anyway. But the haul I have seen at parties I have attended, multiplied potentially by two, could pretty much fill their playroom up completely. So what do you do--throw/give away all the old toys each year? We certainly don't have room for all the gifts they are likely to receive!
(I know, convoluted thread, making a moral mountain out of a molehill, yadda yadda yadda) Posts: 13680 | Registered: Mar 2002
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posted
WRT: the other twins' party and gifts, you can't alter the fact that their parents chose to have a single joint party for them. Since Mango really only knows the one twin that's in her class, it's definitely hard to try and get a gift for the other that would be appreciated (unless maybe Mango can pick the brain of her classmate for ideas). Under the circumstances, a joint gift that they can easily share does appeal to me. I personally think it would be inappropriate to not have something for the other child, so it would either be two gifts or one larger joint gift.
As far as Mango and Banana's upcoming party, I'd have two different parties for them. Yes there may end up being some inequality in the number of attendees and gifts, but I would venture to guess that each child would prefer to have a day that was "all theirs". The difficult part may be in negotiating who gets their party first. And, yes, parents of children who are friends with both girls would be looking at two separate gifts, but since those children would know both of yours, they'd have ideas of what to give each.
Ultimately, though, I think that Mango and Banana need to be a part of the party planning. Ask them what THEY want to do for their birthdays and use that as your guide.
posted
Icarus, My dad had great parties on my birthday. I always had such a blast with my one or two token friends, and hordes of his. Because alcohol flowed freely at these events(he was a private school teacher, and they all partied together almost every weekend), the adults were always so...playful.
As for the twin thing, I have no clue.
As for the toy pile-up, my latest strategy is to just take them away when they are not played with, and auction them off to my students. (my kids are fine with this.) They have also had tag sales at the end of the driveway, or just put things out for free. My mother in law is a volume giver, and feels the need to give a lot, rather than a few nice things. My parents give money, and we use that for special classes and programs. My son(8) is saving for an electric guitar. Still, we are overrun.
How old are they?
When you figure all this out, tell me!
Posts: 10890 | Registered: May 2003
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posted
Good advice. As for getting too many gifts, I have two ideas: either put away some of the gifts in a closet for rainy-day "I'm bored" surprises, or (only with the full knowledge, understanding, and consent of your daughters) ask for donations to a hospital, childrens' charity, or other good cause in lieu of gifts. You can make the theme of the party relate to the cause you are supporting, like an animal-themed party with donations going to the local humane society or another animal-related charity. On invitations, include information that instead of gifts, you'd appreciate it if guests brought a small amount of cash or a check made out to the charity or organization you select (be sure to include who to make checks out to). At the party, have a decorated shoebox or coffee can with a hole cut in the lid for kids to drop cash or checks in as soon as they get there (or when their parents pick them up, if you prefer).
Posts: 21182 | Registered: Sep 2004
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posted
Find out what classes are offered in your area for their age group: ballet? violin? swimming? Ask them what they'd each be interested in, and then offer the friends' parents the opportunity to contribute specifically for those classes.
Posts: 1785 | Registered: May 1999
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posted
Now, some people might think this is bad, but I let them know when we don't have a lot of money. This is because my mother in law spent money as if she had it, got into debt, but never told her kids that she couldn't afford this or that. My kids know the value of the music lessons and the drama classes. They love it when my dad helps pay for one of their things. I think it is an OK thing to do.
Some people want kids to be kids. I understand that, because it was sure how I was raised! I never had to do squat. When I grew up I did not know how to do squat.
Posts: 10890 | Registered: May 2003
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I was going to offer an idea on the toys thing, but I like the donation idea better. And the option of giving gifts that are things like "lessons" sounds great!
My lame idea for the toys was to keep some back but never give them to the girls. Store them away in pristine condition and then fund the girls' weddings or something with the proceeds from some idiot willing to pay to recapture long-gone youth.
Anyone have a Boss 302 Mustang Hot Wheels for sale in the original packaging?
Posts: 22497 | Registered: Sep 2000
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posted
Bob, We have lots of other things, but not that. I am looking at a few signed pictures here, though. Ted Williams, Larry Bird, a Jerry Garcia Cabbage patch doll. What'll you give me?
Posts: 10890 | Registered: May 2003
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posted
Oh the dilemmas of being a parent! I have no clue on the upcoming party - I do like how thoughtful you are being, Icarus. I also really like the idea of asking Banana and Mango what they want in the way of their party. I think one invitation that has both names on it, and the charity idea sound fun . . . or maybe it could be a party with a "make-n-take" theme, with some cool art/craft project that the girls choose . . . whoops - hit post too quick. Nathan's 3rd B-day party, I collected wood scraps from my job and sanded them down smooth. Everyone that came got to decorate and paint blocks - which they could then take with them or choose to put in Nathan's block box. Folks still have fond memories of that party, and we had great fun - all ages - -
posted
Okay, my brothers are twins, and what my parents did seemed to work pretty well. They would usually have a different party for each kid, and send the invitations out at the same time, so that friends of both kids (most of Kyle's friends were also Brad's friends, and vice versa) would know that there were separate parties for each kid, and thus get presents for each. (Also, I, as the big sister, was allowed to invite one guest--usually my brothers' best friends' older sister who was a close friend of mine, although I remember inviting some kid Nathan I had a thing for in middle school . . . anyway, they were also allowed to invite a guest to my birthday parties--usually that best friend whose sister I invited. I guess this aside doesn't really apply to Icky, though, so I'll shut up.) It seemed to work pretty well, and each kid could have a separate birthday party taylored to his interests (One year one got a party at the water park while the other got a party at the science museum; another year one got a party at the movie theater while the other got a party at Pizza Hut. Great way to individualize without favoring anyone.).
The boys never seemed to get jealous of each other at these parties, and the friends all seemed to have a blast as well. Admittedly, my mother would stress about the extra effort required for two parties instead of one, but I think it was worth it, and would do the same thing if I had twins.
Posts: 3801 | Registered: Jan 2000
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posted
For Mango and Banana's party, if you decide to have joint party you can always specify on the invitation, i.e.:
"You are invited as Mango's guest to her and her sister Banana's Birthday Party."
I think that gives a significant hint that even if it is a party for two the invited is a guest of one specific twin.
I think you have to judge how well each twin can handle seeing another kid open something that maybe she wanted, or having to wait.
Posts: 8473 | Registered: Apr 2003
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posted
My little brother and I aren't twins, but our birthdays are one day apart. When we were little and living near Disneyland, this meant a Disneyland weekend every year. When we got older, I seem to recall we each got parties on the weekend before and the weekend after the actual birthday, so neither of us had parties on the actual weekend. I don't remember it ever bothering us.
Posts: 1681 | Registered: Jun 2004
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posted
About the charity idea, it gives me visions of the Mommy Dearest movie--where the mother forced her adopted children to give up all of their toys to charity. She made it a big news event. Actually, I think they might have been allowed to keep ONE toy. I thought that was so sad.
If your girls are into it, that's cool. But it IS their special day... maybe they could choose to give a some of their gifts away to kids who don't have much. That way, they still get something for their birthdays AND they're giving to other children, sharing their happiness.
Isn't it okay to be a little materialistic when it comes to children's birthdays?
posted
Because someone once donated money in my daughter's name to a charity I wouldn't support, I don't think that's a good idea. The only exception I would make is if you donate it to PBS.
P.S. A policy my sister in law thought up was to estabilsh what ages parties will be given for, so kids can know. I don't necessarily agree with the ages she chose, but it's an interesting solution. That way you don't have a bunch all in one year, but you don't have to deal with hurt feelings and guilt. The ages she chose, by the way, were 8 12 and 16.
posted
I have a twin brother, and, depending on what my Mom decided, we either had seperate parties or one big one. And it didn't matter to me which, as long as my friends and I were having fun.
A good idea is to have it half and half, both seperate and together parties (dont worry, I'll explain). One party my brother and I invited a few friends to the movies. We each saw different movies, but they were playing at nearly the same time. After the movies we came home and had cake together. We had seperate cakes though, as I liked vanilla frosting and he liked chocolate. I guess you can always do something like that...
posted
I would say that the joint gift was a good compromise.
Ask the girls what they want to do, but I think as long as their friends are there and they are doing things they enjoy, it won't matter.
As far as the large amount of gifts that the girls get I would recommend; after each party have them decide what toys, out of the old ones and the new ones, they want to keep. You might want to have them each pick like 10-15 toys they want to keep. With the left over toys, there are some you might want to keep in storage for various reasons, like ones that have special senitmental value or that you want to keep for grandchildrem. With all of the rest I would recommend giving them to goodwill, or a children's hospital, or family friends.
Posts: 1015 | Registered: Aug 2004
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posted
Icarus, I don't want to sound totally lame, but it sort of inspires me that you put so much thought into being considerate.
quote:For Mango and Banana's party, if you decide to have joint party you can always specify on the invitation, i.e.:
"You are invited as Mango's guest to her and her sister Banana's Birthday Party."
I think that Teshi's idea is excellent. This wording is perfect - I am impressed!
As to presents, I'm not sure how people will react to the idea of contributing to lessons for the girls. Personally, I think it's great, but it might give some people pause. What about creating a wish list for them on Amazon or some site like that? Sort of like a registry. You can pick out things they want and need, like books and clothes.
The only problem is that I'm not sure about the etiquette of letting people know where you're registered. You are never, ever supposed to include it in a wedding or shower invitation - people are supposed to call up a family member and ask where you're registered. It's one of those stupid, ridiculous etiquette things. I don't think it's a big deal if you put at the bottom of the invitation or on a separate card something like, "Please feel free to visit Mango and Banana's Wish List on Amazon.com."
Posts: 3037 | Registered: Jan 2002
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posted
I have some of the same concerns as Mrs.M, both with regard to lessons and to the request to donate to a charity. My problem is that it carries an expectation of a gift, which makes me uncomfortable, even from someone as obviously ungrasping and generous as you are.
posted
Thanks for all the good ideas. I saw a neat place at a local mall that I think would be good for holding a party at, if it's not too expensive. It's kind of an indoor bouncehouse playground. And since it's at the Kissimmee mall, and not the Orlando one, I'm thinking it might not be so pricey. But if I do that, it's definitely a single party. I like Teshi's idea as well.
I went to the party for two kids today. They had registered at Toys R Us, so I went yesterday and picked up a gift. (I'm not sure how I feel about kids' birthdays having registries, but I guess that's more common than I am aware of. This is the second party I have been to this month where there was a registry at Toys R Us, but I had never had that experience before this year.) Anyway, there was a separate registry for each kid, so I took that as an indication that you were really only expected to buy a gift for the kid that your kid was friends with. I bought one gift, but I did go for a slightly more expensive gift than I would have otherwise, and I made it a gift that two kids could share (a Spiderman play tent). I also labelled it as being to both of them. Turns out, when I got there, that they are not twins; they were simply born near the same time of the year, so the family through a single party for both. One was turning six and the other three.
I had the girls in dance lessons a few years ago, because they had shown interest in dancing. Eventually, they lost interest. I was also ticked when the dance teacher had a show for her preschool students . . . except I wasn't told about it. The teacher apparently didn't want to show off her less coordinated students; after all, that would not help her business, right? Anyway, when the girls show interest in lessons or something like that without any prompting, I'll look into it, but I don't want to push them into stuff like that.
posted
Good to have the party away from your house. Are you planning on the parents of the kids attending or are you offering this as party/free babysitting?
Posts: 22497 | Registered: Sep 2000
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posted
Always go for a drop party. The parents can be the worst of all, and then yu have to worry about feeding them. Or, you can be lucky like we were. For the first five or six years, there was a group who came to each kids' parties. We have a bunch of friends who have an older girl and a younger boy. Perfect! And the parents all like to have a few beers. Grand! So we always had a big kid-parent-family deal, until they started to want classmates more, and their sibs' friends less. Now, I try to push for roller skating parties, where the mess and a tip stay at the party location, and parents can walk around the mall.
Posts: 10890 | Registered: May 2003
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posted
DKW, I believe it. My friend's daughter was in a dance class, and they charged ten dollars for even newborn babies. They are moneymaking machines, those kids' dance studios.
Posts: 10890 | Registered: May 2003
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posted
Funny you should ask that, Bob. This is the second party this year where I have been told I didn't have to hang around if I didn't want to. Frankly, I wouldn't have felt comfortable leaving my kid in either case. The first one was at Dylan's Candy in the mall, and this one was at XS Orlando, a huge arcade a la Dave and Busters, in a touristy mall/shopping center called Pointe Orlando. (A birthday party for six year olds in a freaking video arcade?!). Well, I didn't leave. The kids didn't all stay in one place (the "party room," which in this case was really a bar that was closed for the event, or maybe because it was Sunday). They were running through the arcade, "playing" with games without putting money in them like little kids do. Mango could have gone downstairs and out the door, and nobody would have noticed. It's hard for me to know what is normal for other kids this age. Maybe other people's six-year-olds can be trusted/ignored in this situation. My instincts say not, but what do I know?
When the girls have their party, I dunno. I think parents should stay with their kids at this age. Maybe this isn't the way it's always done.
EDIT because 3 posts came in while I was typing this.
posted
My elder daughter attended her first leave-behind parties this year at age 10-11. Because I have met the parents of her friends at these other parties and at school events, I felt comfortable with their parents dropping them off at my house for Heather's own party in the summer. That was only 6 kids including my own, in my backyard, nibbles and cake, a couple party games and a lot of music. And I was frantic for weeks before and completely wiped for the rest of the weekend. =)
If you have the ability to do so, I highly recommend having the party someplace else, preferably someplace that will provide set-up and tear-down assistance, paper supplies, etc. The less you have to do, the more sane you will be when it's all over - especially if it's a joint party for both girls.
As for the gift registries for kids, I originally assumed this was done as an extension of baby registries and intended so extended family (especially out-of-area ones) could get a good idea of what the child actually wanted. You'd think that friends would know what the birthday child likes. One advantage to registries, though, is that when a registry purchase is made and identified as being a registry item (i.e., you tell the cashier that the purchase is for Mango's gift registry), their computer systems are updated automatically to significantly reduce the likelihood of duplicates.
Posts: 4515 | Registered: Jul 2004
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quote: You'd think that friends would know what the birthday child likes.
These are more like classmate parties than friend parties. At this point, I'm lucky if Mango can correctly identify whose party it is, or who is or is not in her class.
You know, this thread is starting to depress me.
Posts: 13680 | Registered: Mar 2002
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posted
We had a joint Junebug/Super-K birthday party this year, and they got so many toys!
It was a little disturbing. We handled the influx of new toys by keeping them in the packaging, and allowing them to open maybe a present a day.
As far as how to buy for a joint birthday-- lots of kids bought just for the child they knew. That's fine; if it were me buying the gifts, though, I'd do the same as you-- a gift the two could use jointly.
Or you can do like my brother did for our two-- he bought them both toy lightsabers. Thanks. Really. Super-K really needed something else to hit his sisters with.
posted
My kids didn't have "real" parties until they were seven, and even those weren't huge affairs (invite a few friends to an ice-skating rink, etc.); I don't know about other people's kids, but I didn't feel like mine were old enough until they were at LEAST seven. Even then, it seemed like we were pushing it a little.
Then again, I don't like parties myself much
If I mention that I only let them have "big" parties every three years, I'll probably be branded a scrooge, so I won't mention it.
Posts: 628 | Registered: Nov 1999
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It's hard for me to know what is normal for other kids this age. Maybe other people's six-year-olds can be trusted/ignored in this situation. My instincts say not, but what do I know? ![[Confused]](confused.gif)
