posted
I realize this probably won't become a landmark, since it's only my 455th post, but since I just got back from Colorado, and I realized that my car will travel almost exactly 455 miles on a single tank of gas, I thought I'd go for one anyway. And here I post:
"38 life lessons Boris learned on a single trip to Colorado" AKA "Boris's Travel Tips":
1. There is a mathematical principal that explains every trip I've made by myself to see my brother. It states: The level of suckage on the return trip from Colorado is the exact inverse of the level of fun on the trip out. Example, if a trip to Colorado involves quick travel, no hang-ups, no traffic, and no loss of comfort during the drive, the return trip will result in excessive travel time, too much trafic, lots of hang-ups, massive loss of comfort, and of course, snow. Lots and lots of snow.
1.25 The nastiest smell on earth is that of a belch from a gas station hotdog you ate two hours earlier.
1.5: If you feel like you need to leave a day before you planned to, don't wait for your brother to accept your reasons for doing so. Just pack your stuff, give him and his wife and daughter a hug, say goodbye, (make sure you packed your good Mach 3 Razor) and leave.
2. Driving through Cheyenne to get to Idaho is not quicker. It is not shorter. It never will be. Go through Fort Collins instead.
3. If you happen to think you are taking the wrong road to get back on the interstate, make sure before making any "corrections".
4. Don't daydream after making any "corrections".
5. Pay attention to the signs that say how far away a city is BEFORE you go 65 miles in the wrong direction and realize that the city-distance sign says, "Rawlins - 46, Laramie 140" (And you notice a sign you passed over an hour ago).
6. Realizing you just drove 65 miles in the wrong direction is not usually fun, and tends to ruin the entire trip.
7. Noticing that it's starting to snow when you finally make up the distance you went in the wrong direction is not an enjoyable experience.
8. Snow tends to get heavier the longer you travel, not lighter.
9. Passing the city you went the wrong direction while leaving and actually SEEING the city has the tendency to make you feel completely stupid.
10. It's not really possible to maintain 80 MPH in snow, no matter how good you can drive.
11. Sometimes it's not possible to maintain 50 MPH in snow.
12. Getting caught behind a Semi when there is a fresh layer of dry snow on the ground REALLY REALLY SUCKS!!!
13. I mean it sucks like you wouldn't believe.
14. I mean, think about it, a Semi tends to kick up a lot of whatever is on the ground at the time, and when whatever is on the ground happens to be snow, visibility tends to go from near infinite to "Holy crap I can barely make out this guy's tail lights!" really fast.
15. Being able to see tail lights in near 0 visibility is a major life-saver.
16. Driving for an hour and a half in near 0 visibility is never, ever, ever, ever fun.
17. Number 16 is due to the fact that the trail of snow kicked up by a semi tends to swirl a lot, causing disorientation and a little dizziness.
18. It IS possible to get car sick while driving.
19. Pepto Bismal and Tylenol are good friends to have.
20. The joy you feel after a semi you've been following for an hour and a half turns off the road you're on is one of the greatest feelings in the world.
21. It's easier to see when you're not following a semi.
22. Slow drivers are annoying.
23. Slow drivers are even more annoying when you realize you have 240 miles left to go on your trip and you're going 25 MPH BELOW the speed limit.
23.5. People who can't drive at a minimum of 10 MPH below the speed limit in snow need to get off the road and stay there til spring.
24. The ten hours driving mark is when you start going nuts and come up with a wierd idea for a children's book.
25. "King Arfer and the Knights of the Dogbone" is probably the wierdest idea I've ever come up with (And if anyone has any wise ideas about taking that...idea...well, just remember. My name is Boris, and I know people.)
26. Driving for 10 hours straight tends to make people angry.
27. Even if they're normally really nice people.
28. Driving angry is not fun.
29. You really should stop and stay at a motel if you realize you're going to be driving for more than 10 hours.
30. Fantasizing about being pulled over and getting a ride home from a police officer is a bad thing. Pull over, get a room, and go to bed.
31. The first exit for Idaho Falls is not the one to take if you're going to Rexburg and want to get there within an hour.
32. A Subaru Legacy Wagon will get about 30 miles to the gallon on the highway.
33. Gas station steak fingers are not a good secondary choice for road snack if there are no more Krispy Kreme chocolate glazed custard filled donuts left.
34. Gas Station steak fingers are not a good road snack...period.
35. Nor are they really meant to be consumed by human beings...Or dogs...Or even cats.
36. See entry #19.
37. Getting home is the best part of a really long trip.
38. Final rule, if you want to go on a really long trip, make sure you have an MP3 player in your car.
So anyway. Enjoy.
[ November 28, 2004, 02:57 AM: Message edited by: Boris ]
Posts: 3003 | Registered: Oct 2004
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Rexburg!? I LOVE Rexburg! I'm glad you got home safe. What is it with drives to Colorado? The drive I took from Portland to Denver was probably the most unpleasant of my life. That might have had something to do with the fact that our car crapped out after we had been driving 12 hours and only had 5 hours to go. (DANG!) So we had to get towed and spend the night in a Little America in a town in Wyoming that I've never heard of. Posts: 6415 | Registered: Jul 2000
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Yeah. Green River Wyoming. 35 miles from where I started going the wrong direction. The sign I had seen an hour before when I realized I was going the wrong direction: "Little America: 100 miles".
Posts: 3003 | Registered: Oct 2004
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I will take your rules to heart-- this summer we are taking a FAMILY road trip from western Kansas to southern Georgia Posts: 295 | Registered: Jul 2004
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I"m printing your rules and giving them to a few of my friends... We're all going on a roadtrip this summer...
Posts: 1094 | Registered: Mar 2004
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I'm glad you got home safe. What is it with drives to Colorado? The drive I took from Portland to Denver was probably the most unpleasant of my life. That might have had something to do with the fact that our car crapped out after we had been driving 12 hours and only had 5 hours to go. (DANG!) So we had to get towed and spend the night in a Little America in a town in Wyoming that I've never heard of. ![[Angst]](graemlins/angst.gif)
