posted
WARNING: This post contains some harsh, rude content, which might not be suitable for everyone. This is NOT a joke, these are actual quotes and my own are not censored. I, Jonathan Howard, am not responsible for any results that might occur following your decision of reading this; it is rough content (at least in my opinion), and I bare no responsibility for any harm caused to second-party by this post.
It all happened a week ago.
On the first night of Hanukkah, my father asked me to come and light the Hanukkah candles. About a minute later he got really annoyed that I apparently 'lost' my kippa. Now, for God's sake, we're barely even religeous, and for a moment I forgot that I had left in in my jacket's pocket from previous occasions that afternoon.
So he complains a bit, and we light the candles. After all the guests left, he started screaming about my mother's three sons (he only married her after she was divorced + 2), and their "...lack of capability to find any ****ING THING AROUND THIS ***TTY HOUSE! THOSE THREE LAZY ****ING HOGS! IT HAPPENS EVERY SABBOTH, EVERY ****ING FRIDAY NIGHT! AND THEN THEY COME TO ME! BECAUSE 'OH, SURE! DAVID HAS KIPPAS! HE ALWAYS HAS A ****ING SPARE!', AND YOU KNOW WHAT? I'M SICK OF THIS ****ING JEWISH TRADITION OF NEVER BEING ABLE TO FIND ANYTHING!
"I'M ****ING WELL SICK OF IT! AND THEN NO-ONE EVEN FOUND A SIDDUR! YOU THINK MY KIDS EVER LOSE THAT ****? BUT NO! I 'ALWAYS' HAVE A ****ING SPARE!"
My mother was, of course, incapable of speech, as the whole neighbourhood was aware of what was going on.
Then he goes to the dining room, whre most of our books are stored.
"YOU KNOW HOW MANY SIDDURS I HAVE? ****ING WELL TAKE A DAMN LOOK!"
He then walks to the shelf, and starts slamming them on the table, some sliding away.
"HERE YOU ****ING GO! ONE, TWO, THREE, FOUR! OH, RIGHT, HERE'S ANOTHER ONE! I HAVE 5 GOD ****ING DAMN OF THESE PIECES OF ****ING ****! AND YOU KNOW WHAT THIS (pointing and referring to me) ****ING HOPELESS IDIOT HAS? NOT EVEN ****ING ONE!"
I could keep this on for an extra five minutes, but that would be impractical. He later on went to the studio. I then went to my room, took a siddur I had there, and wnt to the study showing it to him, speaking coldly; angrily, yet frigidly.
"Here you go, Dad, I have one of those '****ing siddurs', as you were inquiring about. I'm so sorry, but I believe that I was doing more than one thing at the moment, and I wasn't too concerned on the specific task at the time, and so, I believe, I forgot for a moment where the kippa was.
"The thing is, though, that you base those pathetic assumptions on basically nothing; you automatically jump to conclusions, a value which you criticise all the time. I think that there is no point in denying that your self-boasting about your 'classic Australian education' and your greatness at university are basically just two other ways for you, you dirty hypocrite, to winge and rant about others, even if they are the most important people to you in the world.
"Furthermore, I object to being called a '****ing, hopeless idiot', particularly by my own father; the one person in my life whom I tried to be most like. The thing is, I remember a talk we had a while ago, about the fact that there are things you say, and things you don't say. I never called you a ****ing hopeless idiot, so I expect you not to call me one.
"This is especially so when I recall you being 'proud of my academic progress', you saying I am 'very intelligent with an IQ of over 130', and with the fact THAT I DO NOT EXPECT TO HAVE THE PREFIX '****ING' ADDED TO MY DAMN NAME!
"So you listen to me, you rotting piece of self-boasting obliquitous perfection, you over-selfconfident heap of useless knavery and prudent shit: I'm sick of it, your ****ing ostentation, I've had it up to ****ing HERE; your pretentiousness too, you bastard. I can't stand the fact that you think you're perfect because you can criticise others and laugh about them when you feel its conveniend, then when you mangle your words to get out of the whole ****ing responsibility, persuading all those you think are more mellow-hearted than you to follow your belief. All that, why? Because you're the 'smart, intellignt, sophisticated and helpful' one, because you can do 'every ****ING THING'!
"And I've had it with you, Dad, with this showiness of you. All you do all ****ing day is watch pornography and mastur-****ing-bate after your wife has gone to sleep. You then, when receiving a phonecall, always yell 'who the **** now?', and then speak with your fake 'sweet' voice, thinking the world is ****ing yours, amid big, noisy, as you'd put it 'farschtinkeneh' burps, and complain about others putting their favourite music just a 'tad' too high, when you put on soprano opera at full-volume at midnight. '**** the neighbours', you say. Well, you know what? **** YOU!
"Oh, by the way, the method in which you treated those siddurs? Well, that's not the way you treat books."
That was his most common phrase whenever he caught me reading a book in my favourite way of holding/handling it.
That speech of mine kept on a little; but the thing is, we had a more 'polite' discussion of it a year and more ago, some dispute. "The more time it will take you to apologise, the more it will be unpleasant for you, and the more damage you'll do to our relationship", he said. I outlasted him, a month and not a word was spoken. He needed me more than I needed him, and it probably hasn't changed.
This time, though, it's a real quarrel. Oh, sure, 'everything's back to normal', and he probably forgot all about it; knowing him.
But I haven't.
And I won't, either, I swear; I don't know what to do, but it won't be any compromise. None of our agreements about behaviour to ach other ever lasted, but it sickens me. He doesn't even keep up to his own word, so he should not expect me to act nicely to him.
Oh, sure, "he's your father, for God's sake! You should treat him the way he deserves to be treated!", I will. The moment he treats me the way I should be treated. And that, I'm sorry, does not include any adding prefixes to my name of that sort.
Hell, I've held this for a week, and I'm going mad with fury, what to I do? Flee? Suicide? Murder? Torture? I can't think of anything, not anything practical, by the way.
I'm sorry for the harsh, dirty talking; but it was part of what really happened. Call it a father-son relationship...!
Yours,
Miserable Jonny
P.S. Sorry for typos and proofing, as well as possible (Mr Davidson, you'd know!) grammar problrems.
[ December 14, 2004, 06:35 PM: Message edited by: Jonathan Howard ]
Posts: 2978 | Registered: Oct 2004
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posted
Ouch. Does he do this on a regular basis? Have you tried journalling what you want to say to him instead of escalating the argument, then talking to him about it later when you're both calmer? I know it's not all your fault, but sometimes parents have to be treated with care.
Posts: 21182 | Registered: Sep 2004
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posted
Jonny, that was an improper way for him to speak to anyone, much less a son. It is abusive. I'm so sorry, sweetie. Posts: 2919 | Registered: Aug 2004
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posted
Wow. No useful advice, I'm just sorry you have to deal with this. I hope it gets better, good luck.
Posts: 6316 | Registered: Jun 2003
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posted
Well, depends what you call a regular basis.
He swears a lot, less in public, but also.
And he made unusual jokes about me; e.g.
"You know, Jonathan, I'm not your real father."
"Aha, so I was adopted?"
"Well, yes; you're a monkey. And you were born to a Chimpanzee."
"What the...?"
"Yes! We gave you an operation, went to a doctor and got him to remove your tail. The zoo wasn't happy, though."
"You mean that two years after you got married, you let a chimpanzee go and have sex with your wife, then you adopt your son?"
"Precisely."
Now, is that supposed to be a joke to a 13 year-old? Because frankly, it really isn't funny, appropriate, nor does it even interest me. He knows I have a slightly different sense of humour.
But when you think of it, I've been acting really weird here, my posts are all bizzare and awkward, on Hatrack. Maybe he was the cause for this frustration?
posted
Well, ketchupqueen, I thought of waiting until he's tranquil, but then he'd justdismiss it as false memories. I thought that while both of us were still outraged, I'd say what I have to say, and God take care of the rest.
posted
Jonathan, that's abuse if he does yell stuff like that on a regular basis. And I know about the "false memories" gambit from experience. I suggest a tape recorder. It's only to be used in extreme cases, but I'd say this is extreme.
posted
I'm sorry your father is like that. You deserve to be treated with respect and compassion. Try not to be like him. It will only make you feel worse. I'll email you a link that might help. Rain
Posts: 1379 | Registered: Feb 2002
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posted
There is no question the way he spoke to you is NOT ok. Even, as Sara said, abusive. But how does answering him back in kind help?
And blaming your attitude here on how he treated you is not much of an excuse, either.
He is the adult, and you are not. It is not at all unreasonable of you to expect him to act like one. It is very unfortunate that he is not. (I'm afraid I don't have any suggestions of how to get him to do so.)
But sooner or later, you will realize that his lousy behavior is no excuse for yours. When you can listen to his abuse, and stay calm and rational, and not answer him back -- on that day, you will be a real man. In the way that he is not.
posted
Is there an adult in your life that you like and trust enough to talk with about this? (In real life, that is -- you are always welcome to talk about it here, but I'd like you to have someone to turn to where you are, regardless.)
Teacher, aunt or uncle, older sibling, grandparent, pastor, physician, someody?
For what it is worth, things can get much better once you are on your own. You really do get to decide who you will and will not let into your life, and you'll never have to put up with this again. Try to hang on until that is a viable option for you, but try to find an adult in your life who can advocate for you with a friendly ear.
(((Jonny)))
[edit: Go to bed, by all means. And rivka is right, you know -- but that's a tough lesson to learn, especially when your father isn't modeling it for you. Good goal, though.]
[ December 14, 2004, 07:26 PM: Message edited by: Sara Sasse ]
Posts: 2919 | Registered: Aug 2004
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posted
If (when) this happens again, I'd suggest you point out to your father that you often try to emulate his actions, and you really don't want to develop the habit of using that type of language, especially around people you care about.
Also, you have the right to tell your father that it isn't acceptable to use that particular prefix as part of your name.
I've learned there are two types of power: position and person. You have to respect your father because he is your father (to a certain extent), but it is a greater respect he will receive if he earns it by being a good and honorable man.
My prayers and thoughts are with you, but I hope you don't read this until after you've had good sleep and a good day.
posted
I don't know if advice is what's needed, as opposed to a simple "hang in there" -- but if you want some, it's this:
Don't spend so much time composing responses to your father's rants. It won't help. There are other, better things that could be occupying your brain.
I did the frosty, intelligent, sensible response thing for years. But while it may give you some sort of high ground, it's not a high ground that offers any kind of real refuge. It's just not worth it.
posted
I know how you feel, JH; it's terrible to have a father who "attaches prefixes", as you say. Who hasn't a clue what he's doing as a father and what he's not doing.
Some fathers are great, some are not, whether its them or their own family life emerging in yours . It's tough, I know, I know.
I agree with Rivka and TomD. They are wise.
And finally do not feel like you have to turn yourself into him to try to get through to him, or to anyone. That is the worst trap of all.
As everyone says: Stay yourself, hang in there.
Posts: 8473 | Registered: Apr 2003
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posted
Jonathan, I can identify with what you're going through. Yes, it does get better when you're old enough that you can move away from home. For your sanity, find an exit strategy that takes you away from him as early as possible. And then, when you're away from it, get professional help to deal with what's going on. For that matter, if you can get professional help now, that would be even better. If you can't, at least keep a journal - one that no one will read - and use it to vent. Burn the pages after each entry if necessary. Or talk to someone you trust, preferably an adult.
And like others have said, just because he's like that doesn't mean you have to be. You can chose to act however you like. You can chose to be the adult in this situation. It doesn't negate what he's doing to you - it just means that you retain your dignity and composure and you feel better about yourself.
Basically, do whatever you can to behave in such a way that you still like yourself. Do whatever you need to do to protect yourself. But not in such a way that it increases harm to anyone else.
Good luck. And we're rooting for you. Posts: 8355 | Registered: Apr 2003
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I was trying to act like him, back when I was 7 or 8 and he was this almighty supe-power; apparently, when I 'reached sexual maturity', (for him it was, apparently, the biological capability of reproducing), that started to change.
I begged to differ, and I did.
Maybe I still need to hold my tongue more, and I probably will; I'll set that as my next, immediate goal. Whenever he loses his patience - I will be there to stare, and walk away frigidly. Perhaps I can leave, have a more autonomous life with him filling in a smaller share of it; I even thought of leaving with a friend of mine who might be immigrating, but my father would have to pay the ticket, too bad.
For now, though, I believe that being as rarely at home as possible is the right solution. Again, (((everyone))), you put a smile on my face!
I'll reply when I next can.
Jonathan
[ December 15, 2004, 12:14 AM: Message edited by: Jonathan Howard ]
Posts: 2978 | Registered: Oct 2004
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The problem with power games is that they're very hard not to play. I've played the anti-game. That's the one where you refuse to react until the other person gets angry. I've tried not caring at all. It works, but it's very lonely. I don't recommend it.
Mostly I do my own thing now. I don't talk to the problem family members often enough to get caught up in it. Plus, they're mellowing in their old age.
To this day, I hold very still when two people are arguing, like if I just don't draw attention to myself they'll leave me alone. I've even run into problems with customers here at the bank when there's no one else in the lobby and I have to just stand there and take it. I hate feeling helpless. I hate that "We don't care what you think, shut up and do it" attitude so prevelant here.
Persoanlly, I'm changing jobs after the first of the year (so I get my matching 401(k) money). 15 with parents is rough. Are there any sports or clubs at school you could join? An after school job you could take? Anything that gets you out of the house is probably a good thing.
It is a pattern you need to pay close attention to. You'll run into problems stemming from this all your life. You need to start thinking now about how to react, how to deal. The games never go away, but you don't have to play.
Posts: 2283 | Registered: Dec 2003
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posted
I play a lot of sports and joined a lot of extracurricular activities. I went to a lot of sleepovers.
I didn't fully escape until I went away to college that I paid for on my own.
Even now, the mental remains of my upbringing still plague me. But whatever. I escaped. *shrug*
You can if you wish. There's no tried and true way out of it. There's no hanging in there. There's no mindgame that works.
It hurts.
It will continue to hurt.
Then you escape.
It will hurt.
It will still hurt, even later, even as you grow, but the hurt becomes smaller because it isn't yelling in your ear, punching you in your gut, having you dig your own grave.
Posts: 14745 | Registered: Dec 1999
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posted
I can't point any fingers, or offer any advice.
Because we sometimes have similar scenes in my home-- and I'm the parent. (except without the bad language part)
Sometimes things whell up and get totally overwhelming for me, and then one little thing happens that caps it, and I become an erupting volcano. Usually this is between my eldest son and I, as he (also a redhead like me) also erupts and we are not a good pair to be around in times like that.
Luckily for me (or them) all my kids are larger than me, so no one (usually) gets physically hurt.
While I feel for you, I also hurt for your dad, because no parent likes losing control like that. I wonder what all is eating at him on the inside.
My father never had a good relationship with his father. I am not even sure my grandfather, back in Australia, knew I existed! When he was about to die my father decidd not to ring him, for all he had to say to him before his departure was- "Glad you're dying, you bastard". According to his words. On the other hand - none of the 7 kids liked their father, only one had some empathy.
As for me, in 3rd grade I was harshly ranted about (for I was a nerdy-geek), and mayb that was my trauma, a social breakdown of my reputation. This, consequently, caused me to move schools in 4th grade, and I never quite resolved some of the issues.
Is this socialogically possible, more likely probable?
What I mean is that many fathers who have a bad relationship with their children had or still have a bad relationship with their own fathers. They are passing on what they learnt, conciously or unconciously. This is definately true of my father, true of one of my friends' father and seems to be true of yours too.
This is why it's so important for you to watch your own behavior, because you do not want to continue the chain.
It makes it even worse if your life outside of home hasn't been that great either.
Posts: 8473 | Registered: Apr 2003
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posted
This is a case I cannot argue with, since it is true.
I agree with what rivka said earlier; consciously, I must hold my tongue, it is my responsibility as a son who suffered such horrible fate from my own guardian, more so my father.
Thanks again!
Jonathan
P.S. I might reply less often as I am extremely sick now. "Mycoplasma Pneumonia"... My father took great care of me though, racing off to the hospital the moment I got back home from my long day... Straight there, then to get the medicine - all that at 10 O'clock PM, after a very tiring (physically and mentally) day of moving stuff at my sister's place. "Forgive & Forget", will I ever truly forgt, without a minor grudge whatsoever?
[ December 15, 2004, 05:06 PM: Message edited by: Jonathan Howard ]
Posts: 2978 | Registered: Oct 2004
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posted
I don't think Dad's love was ever in question. Just his way of dealing with not getting his way.
My mom has an expression I think you'll like. "It's not your dot." See, everyone has a dot that represents what they can control. It consists exclusively of your own behavior. Dad's behavior is not your dot.
It's silly, but sometimes a little reminder can make you feel better. Hang in there, Jon, and feel better.
Posts: 2283 | Registered: Dec 2003
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posted
Thanks. At least I'm feeling better... [Well, I can't breathe, suffocate, sneeze, cough and laugh, even though I watch comedies (see footnote 1); but that's not an issue, right? (See footnote 2.)]
I got to stay home on the day we had a r-e-a-l-l-y nice trip from school, but he checked in on me, despite possible cracks in out relationship. They're basically covered up by a charactaristic - if I may risk my wording - image of true compassion towards each other's feelings.
But I know it's not over, it might get harsher in the future. I'll keep my mouth shut, eyes will do the work, they always do. Do they?
Jonny
Footnote 1: I can't avoid watching Seinfeld and Friends (back to sason 1 here), I'm not addicted to tea, coffee, hot chocolate milk, cold chocolate milk, chocolate, Ethanol in various forms, cigarettes, or various other drugs. Comedies, though... Are life.
Footnote 2: As I quote a dialogue:
I: "X, you seem weary! What's wrong?" X: "Listen, Jonny; I can't breathe." I: "Sure, dear! If it's hard, don't do it!"
Now I'm in that situation... Luckily, no one heard of it, yet.
[ December 16, 2004, 05:07 PM: Message edited by: Jonathan Howard ]
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