Happy New Year's! It's time to fondly remember all the things we've accomplished over the last year, have a drink, and then solemnly vow to never do any of them ever again.
Most resolutions happen soon after the horrified realization of the state you woke up in on New Year's afternoon, but those are usually unthinking, knee-jerk reactions to the sight of your own bodily fluids as opposed to well-thought-out guidelines for a new and improved you. Such panicky resolutions are often extreme and unrealistic, such as "I'll lose 84 lbs by Arbor Day" or "I'll never drink vodka and lighter fluid again."
Me, I prefer to choose my resolutions carefully so that I can carefully craft myself into the perfectly realized paragon of humanity that is my destiny. Also I like resolutions I have a slim chance of keeping, like "I resolve to wake up, most days." Here's my list.
I resolve to never again think that people with cell phones are "asking for it."
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Director's Cut Extras: the ones I ended up editing out.
I resolve to stop filibustering during Parent Teacher Association meetings. Instead I shall rely on the tried-and-true methods of bribery, strong-arming, and 527 organizations.
I resolve to get out and really do all the things I've wanted to do but never tried due to personal laziness or international statutes.
I resolve to stop comparing my resolutions to others to see who's the most resolute.
I resolve to give up the useless and uphill battle of trying to start a union at work to redress employee grievances and just go straight to armed insurgence.
I resolve to do my very best never to again think, for any reason, of Courtney Love. Agh! Did it again!
Posts: 7790 | Registered: Aug 2000
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quote:I resolve to floss much more often. In fact, the new me will floss not just teeth but between any two parts of my body that are in regular contact.
Courtney Love. In space.
Posts: 2919 | Registered: Aug 2004
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Chris, you *must* collect all of these and publish them as a book. I'd buy it in a heartbeat... then send you my copy to have it signed. Posts: 3960 | Registered: Jul 2001
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If you do, be sure and include an inflammatory article of some sort--with any luck you can get some hayseed schooldistrict to ban your book, and get some Phelpsish minister to instigate a book burning, and your sales will go through the roof.
Posts: 16059 | Registered: Aug 2000
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In one of Joe Bob Briggs' books, he includes in his introduction something along the lines of:
"Children: Look both ways before crossing the road.
"See that? Now if you ban this book or try and remove it from library shelves, innocent children might die!"
Posts: 7790 | Registered: Aug 2000
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