posted
I'm disappointed in the people who I thought were "friends" here in IL. I got a couple calls when I first got back, but I think that those were out of pity. Maybe its just me being messed up and confused and not knowing which way is up. I'm just tired of putting myself out there and giving all of me. I'm tired of calling people and playing phone tag. I dislike the phone as it is, but to feel like I'm forcing people to do something they don't want to is ridiculous. If they don't want to hang out or talk or whatever, then say so, so I can stop wasting my time. Maybe I made up all those friendships in my head. Maybe they were never friends. Maybe they're just busy and I'm insane. I've been out with people a couple times, but the more I go, the more it seems like a business relationship than a friendship. Then again, am I the bad friend?
Like today, a friend asked me to give him a ride. Normally I would be totally down, but here's the deal, he was going on a ski trip with a local youth group that was meeting 20-30 minutes away. First of all I don't feel comfortable to drive my car in the current road conditions to a place I've never driven to. Secondly, he could only go after 10pm when the meeting point would actually be open. Lastly, other people were obviously going to the same point. Why not get a ride with one of them? I basically told him all that, but that I'd give him a ride if he couldn't find anyone else. I feel kind of guilty though. Although I've only asked him for one favor, but it was a huge one and he did it. And here I can't give him a ride. At the same time I did compensate the big favor. I felt obligated to. This friendship seems more like one of those business relationships I mentioned earlier. I feel like I have to give X in order to get X in return. I get the feeling that I should feel grateful to even fit into his schedule. I don't like that feeling. One of the things I do when determining close friends (which may be totally insane. I wouldn't know, considering I've never been quite stable) is I ask myself, "Would I give my life for this person?" For the most part its either a definite "Yes" or "No", but the fact that I have to question myself with this particular friend makes me sad. We've been friends (or at least known each other) for a long time. Do I care more about my car or my time or myself that I couldn't just give him a ride? Normally I'm down with helping friends or even friends of friends. Heck, I'm down for helping out total strangers. Why is this different and why do I feel so bad?
He messaged me back to tell me he found someone else to take him, and that this person "wasn't concerned about road conditions" and to “have a good week". Maybe I'm reading too much into it, but I felt like he was disappointed with me and being snide. I feel even worse because I think he's disappointed in me. Do I have my priorities in order? Is my definition of friendship twisted or not realistic? Am I wrong? Or am I just blowing everything out of proportion?
[edit: btw, Space Opera, you asked about journals not too long ago... This was quoted from my last entry]
posted
Perhaps the mention of road conditions wasn't actually snide, but just a bit of playful teasing?
I can't really answer any of your other questions, however I can relate... I have some friends who I'm currently having problems with, specifically in the realm of "obligations". Like you, they seem to require X or I'm not being a good friend.
In talking to another friend who is close to all of us, he's under the impression that it's because my other friends are very communicative people and let other people know when they're having problems and therefore can be understanding/offer help/whatever as required. I, on the other hand, tend not to talk very much about the stuff that's going on with me - in fact, the worse it gets, the more I keep it to myself. Last year I told them that they didn't know what was going on, and that I was having some major problems and that they should just leave it at that. But when it came to the crunch, I got hit with the "bad friend" talk anyway.
So it could come down to communication.
Or it could also be just that they're not your kind of people.
This was also brought home to me fairly forcefully on NYE when my partner and I were bored silly by some of the company that we had with us that night. This was then thrown into stark relief by the outrageously fun recovery party the next day with a group of people that were just fantastic people one and all.
Sometimes your old friends aren't necessarily the best friends.
Posts: 2245 | Registered: Nov 1998
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posted
I guess you're right. I'm just bothered that I feel like in order to maintain the relationship, I have to do things whether I want to or not, whereas my idea of friendship is wanting to do things whether I have to or not.
I probably should work on communicating my thoughts/feelings better though. I do keep stuff to myself often so as not to trouble people or be a total downer. I suppose I should learn that people can't read my mind.
And what you're saying about them not being "my kind of people," I guess I never thought of it that way. It makes sense though (at least with this particular case).
Don't get me wrong. I'm not saying all my friends have abandoned me or something. I've got some great friends. Its just that most are on the opposite end of the country, and talking to friends every week is just not the same as hanging out with friends every day. Maybe its time for me to find some new friends.
Posts: 298 | Registered: Sep 2004
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posted
Exactly - and not all friends, even new ones, are created equal. You find great people in unexpected areas. I'm lucky to have met my friend Mark. He and his wife are great people, fantastically successful, down to earth and have been exceedingly good to my partner and myself. They have no tolerance for people who don't meet their standards of honour in friendship, but they're extremely honourable people themselves (not to mention entertaining and intelligent as all get out).
As a consequence, we love all their friends - if we lived in the same city, we'd hang out with them as readily as Mark himself.
As an example of the kind of people they are, Mark is best buddies with one of Australia's highest profile race drivers. This guy, we'll call him "J", lives smack on the border of two states. A couple of years ago, I broke down driving between these two states, in J's town. I called Mark, just as an update, and the next thing you know, he's onto J, trying to get him to put me up for the night, sort out wheels for the rest of my trip and organise a good deal on car repairs. And J was more than happy to help out (only problem being, he was in Europe at the time!).
I'd do the same without hesitation for any of Mark's friends.
So while I've got plenty of good aquaitances, the friends I truly value are the ones who have that standard of personal integrity in friendship, and who require that of all of their friends too.
Posts: 2245 | Registered: Nov 1998
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posted
See, those are the friends I need more of, because that's the type of person I am.
I don't feel so bad anymore. I went out to my car this morning and it didn't start (I think the battery died), so I wouldn't have been able to take him anyways.
The more I think about, its like you said, we're old friends, not best friends. For example, shortly after Christmas, he came over to lan and brought over his computer and stuff. He had received a new mouse and headphones for Christmas and was showing them to me and the first thing he said to me was, "You aren't jealous, are you?" Of course I tell him no because I have to no reason to be! I'm the one who told him which ones to tell his parents to buy for him! Now that I'm thinking about it, it really bothers me that he would even ask a question like that. I'm nothing but happy for friends when they get something they want or need or deserve. How could he think that I would be even remotely jealous?! Posts: 298 | Registered: Sep 2004
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