posted
So, I have another story writing assignment for creative writing. We were supposed to do the exposition and mood setting of a story and try to keep it to about two pages or so. We weren't supposed to go beyond that. Well I always start my story with the action and sprinkle the exposition through that, which is what I did here. What do you think? Does it have a distinctive mood? And if you can detect a mood, what is it (so I know your picking up the one I tried to give it ). Any other comments you come up with would be much appreciated Enjoy:
Gird and I ran with all we had and it wasn’t enough. They were gaining, and gaining fast. ‘Damn it, I’m over fifty,’ I thought as my chest heaved trying desperately to suck more oxygen from the heavy, humid air of the forest. ‘My body can’t do this anymore.’ Gird was also starting to look extremely tired. His short legs were pumping with the energy spawned of desperation fueled adrenaline, but dwarves are not built for long distance and he was starting to wear out as well. “Gird, we can’t out run them, they’re gaining.” I huffed. “We’re gonna have to turn and fight.” I could barely get enough air to say the words, but I managed. “There are too many of them, we’d never win.” Gird was having similar difficulties. We ran on. The thick brown trunks of the trees flew by.
The wind roared through the leaves of the trees above us, creating gaps in the green canopy. Through the gaps we could see the menacingly dark storm clouds. I stopped looking up. I didn’t want to see what was coming. Gird jumped over a fallen log and I followed quickly behind. We were coming up on a grove of saplings. I swore under my breath. Until then we’d been running all out through a fairly light old growth forest. There wasn’t much near the ground. Ferns and soft grass grew on the ground beneath the trees and save for a few fallen logs there was little impede our progress. Now we’d have to find a path among that tangle of branches with a horde of orcs on our tail. This day was not going well, not well at all.
Gird dove head first into the saplings, ducking under most of the branches. It wasn’t so easy for me, I used my staff to clear a path in front of me and dodged what branches I could. ‘Maybe this’ll slow the orcs down more than it slows us down,’ I thought. Moments later I heard them crash into the saplings. By the sound of it they were simply tearing their way through. I didn’t want to look. “Kaelan, now would be an excellent time to use some of your magic!” Gird yelled as he frantically dodged the misshapen saplings. “How many times do I have to tell you, I’m not a wizard! If I had magic, I’d have used it long before now!” I could barely breath, but some how I managed to find the air to yell at him with. Funny that.
Lightening lit up the sky above me, and I could hear the expectant snarls of the orcs behind me. They knew they were going to catch us. They knew it was only a matter of time. They were laughing and jeering in their foul language now. We didn’t stand a chance. There were too many of them. Gird and I were desperate. I looked around, searching for anything to help us, anything that might give us a fighting chance. There was nothing. It might be hard for the orcs to fight in these saplings, but in all likelihood they would simply swing their huge axes through the saplings and not be slowed in all.
My legs were burning, they felt like they were on fire. I knew they would seize up soon. ‘By heaven, I’m over fifty,’ was all I could think. “We have to do something, they’re almost on us,” I yelled frantically. “Anything, anything you can come up with Gird.” “Your the scholar damn it, you think of something.” I couldn’t. There was nothing. We were dead. Deader than dead. I could hear from the saplings snapping behind us, they were coming closer, they were gaining more. That would be our bones soon. There had to be something.
Thunder crashed again and lightening lit the darkening woods. It was almost night and it was getting dark very quickly. Orcs lived for the dark and the night. This was getting worse and worse. I had terrible dark vision. Gird would be all right, the dwarves didn’t mind the dark. I hated it. The wind, that until then had been restrained to the upper canopy of the forest we were in was suddenly tearing through the saplings. The tiny branches swooshed this way and that, slashing across our faces and slicing our skin. Gird managed to duck under most of it. I was caught by the brunt of it. The rain came pouring down then. ‘Great,’ I thought, ‘I’m gonna die soaked and exhausted.’ Then I ran through a bunch of saplings well colonized by spiders. ‘And covered with cobwebs.’ I swore viciously.
Posts: 3295 | Registered: Jun 2004
| IP: Logged |
posted
Sorry, i give up : too many english words for me at midnight But i promise to read it tomorow. Good night !
Posts: 1189 | Registered: Dec 2004
| IP: Logged |
posted
I'm picking up despair and panic. The terrible feeling of almost helplessness. As far as critique, I only have a few nitpicks although I wish for it to be clear that I really enjoyed what you posted.
Nitpicks:
quote: I could barely breath, but some how I managed to find the air to yell at him with. Funny that.
This sentence doesn't flow well. I think I'd exclude the "with" at the end of the sentence.
quote: It might be hard for the orcs to fight in these saplings, but in all likelihood they would simply swing their huge axes through the saplings and not be slowed in all.
I think you would be better served to say "...and not be slowed at all"
quote:Your the scholar damn it, you think of something.”
You're not Your
quote: I could hear from the saplings snapping behind us, they were coming closer, they were gaining more
I'd suggest something other than "they were gaining more" Perhaps, "...their snarls ever closer, their stench bridging the narrowing gap." I just don't like ending that sentence with the word "more".
quote: I had terrible dark vision.
Would the term night vision work as well. The reason I ask is because I almost read this as "I had a terrible dark vision".
Well, there you go, my novice take at a critique. The tension and desperation is palpable and overall I am intrigued. I wish I could finish the story.
posted
The mood that I got was dread. I enjoyed it and thought you did a great job of showing that emotion.
In addition to punwit's great advice, here's my own novice critique:
I suggest breaking up those paragraphs with dialogue so that each pice of dialogue stands alone. This will make it easier to follow who is saying what.
quote: By heaven, I’m over fifty
Earlier in the story, he already thinks about how he's over fifty. It seems repetitive to repeat it.
Also, if you could add in more descriptions of his body that might further develop his panic. You could describe in depth how his legs felt like they were burning. Does it cause him to limp a little? How much is he sweating? What is his facial expression?
quote: Gird was having similar difficulties
I suggest showing them. Is his breathing loud? Is his face red? etc. How can he tell that Gird is having similar difficulties?
I turned this portion of it in, I dunno if I'm going to finish it or not. I have no more idea how they're going to get out of this pickle than they do. But if I do, I'll post it along with the editted beginning of it.
Posts: 3295 | Registered: Jun 2004
| IP: Logged |
posted
Definitely fear and dreading the worst, but the fact that you're going into so much detail about the chase means something's going to change, so there's hope.
After so many fantasy stories and novels, this one doesn't sound like fantasy. The way the characters talk to each other is very modern. Which is fine, if that's what you're going for. But it sets kind of a strange tone in the story.
Posts: 5957 | Registered: Oct 2001
| IP: Logged |
Printer-friendly view of this topic
![[Wink]](wink.gif)
). Any other comments you come up with would be much appreciated ![[Smile]](smile.gif)
Enjoy:
![[Big Grin]](biggrin.gif)
