posted
So, I never thought I'd say this, but I'm writing an article that is going to be published. It isn't "high class" publishing. Basically it would get published even if it is a crappy article, because the Cardigan Corgi Bulletin wants a human interest story. But I'd prefer that it is at least decent article instead <grin> You can see bits of what the Bulletin is like here: http://www.cardigancorgis.com/Bulletin.aspx
Jacque, the lady I am writing about, is a personal friend. I co-own Jake with her. The reason for this article, is because she just accomplished something for the first time in history. Her Cardigan Corgi took a Group Placement at one of the biggest dog shows in the country. I want to talk about her accomplishments but not in a hugely bragging fashion.
What I have now is approximately the first third of the article. It doesn't matter if I post it here, because they aren't worried about first publication rights or anything. I've got the outline of the last two thirds in my head and know the topics but I need more factual information and stories from Jacque to flesh them out.
Hack and slash to your heart's content if you so choose. I'm good at technical editing but I know that I'm often blind to my own writing flaws. Hopefully I haven't used too many obfuscatory 5-dollar words. I want to make it something the general populace can understand.
quote:When you meet Jacque Schatz-Glenn you wouldn’t immediately think that you are meeting a woman who has made dog show history. Always gracious, she is as down to earth as her Oklahoma roots. She chuckles as she tells the story of meeting her new neighbors shortly after Westminster one year.
The neighbors had just moved in and Jacque wanted to be on good terms, so that they didn’t complain about the dogs. One day she saw two children looking through the cracks in the back fence at a litter of puppies outside to play. A few minutes later her front doorbell rang and the two children were standing there, asking if they could play with the puppies. Thinking to make a good first impression she let them come in and the children and pups were enjoying themselves when the doorbell rang again.
This time, an upset father was standing there, apologizing that his children had come over uninvited and were bothering her. She invited him in as well, assuring him that his children weren’t a problem. The children ran up going, “Daddy, Daddy this is the dog we saw on TV!” The father proceeded to attempt to set the record straight, with his obviously confused young children who had clearly been caught up in too much excitement with the puppies. “No kids these dogs are like the dog you saw on TV, they are the same breed, but this isn’t actually the same dog. That was a famous show dog.”
Jacque tried to get a word in edgewise, but couldn’t manage it for a while. When she finally said, “Actually Maggie was the dog you saw on TV”, the father was dumbfounded until she walked him down the hallway lined with Maggie’s Best in Show pictures. He was convinced when he saw all of the ribbons on the wall of her study. She never had any dog-related problems with those neighbors up until she moved. They were some of Maggie’s biggest fans
There are some commas missing and a couple of very minor grammar things, but I'll let the Hatrack experts talk about those things. It flows nicely and is very appealing.
Posts: 3037 | Registered: Jan 2002
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posted
Well the move is a nice segueway into something about how now instead of living in a town, she lives on acreage in Missouri with her new husband and long time show partner Don Glenn.
My punctuation is always a little uncertain, so feel free to tell me where I messed it up. AJ
Posts: 11265 | Registered: Mar 2002
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posted
How about "In all the time she lived there, there were never any problems between the dogs and the neighbors. It was a sad day for all when she moved."
posted
Well, you might consider changing the wording a bit so it doesn't sound like she had dog-related problems when she moved. Just a thought. (I tried and couldn't come up with anything. "She never had a dog-related problem with those neighbors while she lived there." ? )
Posts: 9871 | Registered: Aug 2001
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posted
hmmm. I knew that paragraph was weak. It started out as a giant run-on sentence, a bad beginnig. Maybe I should leave out the "dog related problems" entirely. Saying that they were Maggie's biggest fans would imply no negative problems.
Revised:
quote:Jacque tried to get a word in edgewise, but couldn’t manage it for a while. When she finally said, “Actually Maggie was the dog you saw on TV”, the father was dumbfounded until she walked him down the hallway lined with Maggie’s Best in Show pictures. He was convinced when he saw all of the blue ribbons on the wall of her study. The neighbors remained Maggie's loyal fans, even after Jacque moved out of the neighborhood. Now they look for Harry P. on TV instead.
Hmm, that might work if Jacque approves it. You see I'm telling the story based on what she told me, quite a while ago, and as a result I may be "stretching" it slightly into a tall tale. The basic about the neighbors are true, but the dialouge isn't necessarily exact. I don't want to exaggerate too much for the sake of the story. But that would give me a nice lead in to Harry P.
Do you think my use of italics is ok? I could probably get rid of them when the father is talking to the kids, but I really think it needs to be there for Jacque's response.
posted
This is the complete first draft. Managed to get everything together except for a couple of quotes today.
quote: When you meet Jacque Schatz-Glenn of Kingsbury Cardigans, you wouldn’t immediately think that you are meeting a woman who has made dog show history. She protests, “I have owned and bred history-making dogs, but there are many who have done far more than I ever thought about.” Always gracious, she is as down to earth as her Oklahoma roots. She chuckles as she tells the story of meeting her new neighbors shortly after Westminster one year.
The neighbors had just moved in and Jacque wanted to be on good terms, so that they didn’t complain about the dogs. One day she saw two children looking through the cracks in the back fence at a litter of puppies outside to play. A few minutes later her front doorbell rang and the two children were standing there, asking if they could play with the puppies. Thinking to make a good first impression she let them come in and the children and pups were enjoying themselves when the doorbell rang again.
This time, an upset father was standing there, apologizing that his children had come over uninvited and were bothering her. She invited him in as well, assuring him that his children weren’t a problem. The children ran up going, “Daddy, Daddy this is the dog we saw on TV!” The father proceeded to attempt to set the record straight, with his obviously confused young children who had clearly been caught up in too much excitement with the puppies. “No kids these dogs are like the dog you saw on TV, they are the same breed, but this isn’t actually the same dog. That was a famous show dog.”
Jacque tried to get a word in edgewise, but couldn’t manage it for a while. When she finally said, “Actually Maggie was the dog you saw on TV”, the father was dumbfounded until she walked him down the hallway lined with Maggie’s Best in Show pictures. He was convinced when he saw all of the blue ribbons on the wall of her study. The neighbors remained Maggie's loyal fans, even after Jacque moved out of the neighborhood. Now they look for Harry P. on TV instead.
Recently, Jacque moved from Muskogee, Oklahoma to corgi-friendly acreage outside Kansas City, Missouri, to be with her long-time show partner and new husband Don Glenn, who handled Maggie throughout her storied career. Since Don is staying closer to home for the moment and enjoying married life, Harry P. has been piloted through his career by Sherri Hurst. (need a quote from Sherri about H.P. here.)
Jacque knew Harry P. was special when she named him. He is indeed named after J.K. Rowling’s fictional Harry Potter. Jacque is a huge fan of the books, but what many people don’t know, is that the corgi version of Harry P. was born with a white lightning bolt on his ear. The marking is on the “off” side so you don’t see it in most show pictures.
Long before Harry P’s record 7 Bests in Show and his success at the AKC Invitational, he was quite a character as a puppy. As the only puppy in the house, he was the low dog on the totem pole for quite a while. When any canine would get in trouble, even if it wasn’t him, he’d go and stick his head under the couch to “hide” even though the rest of him wouldn’t fit. If he couldn’t see you then it was all ok!
Harry P’s irrepressible nature has been passed on in successive generations. He was the sire of both the Best Red Dog and Best Red Bitch in the 2004 Megan Competition. Poppy, the Best Red Bitch, is co-owned by Elizabeth McNair of MacWallace kennels and now living with Alisa Kline and doing agility. Jacque had several performance people begging for Poppy after they saw her hop up and catwalk, a 3-foot divider fence that Jacque had between dog yards. The fence technique was completely self-taught, as Jacque would have preferred to be able to keep her on one side or the other.
Elizabeth McNair and Jacque began collaborating with each other first as friends with common interests. Then, realizing that their bloodlines strengths and weaknesses were complimentary, they began working together and have produced some nice litters. Their biggest joint venture has been Harry P’s career, and Elizabeth is as proud of Harry P.’s accomplishments as Jacque is. (add quote from Elizabeth here if available)
All of Kingsbury’s current success can be traced back to a single foundation bitch, Millie, CH Redbud’s Facsimile ROMB. She was affectionately known as Silly Millie and bred by Jane Walser Crenshaw of Redbud Corgis. Jacque met Jane at a dog show in Tulsa and fell in love with CH Chimera Vestavia Folly D a beautiful brindle daughter of CH Vestavia’s Molly D Mahoney. Folly D was soon to be bred to Cathy Cline’s CH Joseter Geefax and Jacque relentlessly begged for a puppy until Jane gave in. Millie’s littermates included CH Redbuds Face the Fax WD at the 1991 National in Houston, TX and CH Redbuds SatisFaxAnn who was BOS Sweeps at that same National.
Millie was bred to her uncle CH Chimera Vestavia Cub Run CD HC, a littermate to Folly D, in late 1991. That first litter produced the incomparable Maggie and the rest is a matter of history. Millie has long since been retired from the whelping box. For the past 8 years Millie has been enjoying life in Colorado with DeAnne and Brian Poole. She is still going strong at the remarkable age of 15.
Millie’s daughter Maggie, CH Kingsbury’s Carbon Copy ROMB went on to become the top winning Cardigan in the history of the breed amassing an incredible 28 all breed BIS and over 100 Group 1st. Highlights of Maggie’s career include BOB at the 1994 national specialty, winner of the 1st Megan competition, BOS at the 1995 national and again in 2002. Maggie’s final litter was sired by CH Phi-Vestavia Nautilus ROMG (Percy) and produced CH Kingsbury’s Copyright CD who is also a group winner and has received recognition at several regional supported entries.
From Mille then, comes the Cardigan Corgi record holders for the most ever Bests in Show for both dogs and bitches, 3 generations of Herding Group Winners and 4 generations of Group Placers. The newest up and coming Group Placer, is Rowdy, CH Kipperton’s Chasse in D, Harry P’s son, who is linebred on Maggie and Millie.
On top of solid conformation Millie passes on the “attitude” for winning, to her progeny. It is an air of possessiveness, an “I own this ring” attitude. It is a hard intangible to define unless you’ve lived with her or one of her descendants, but something that they all possess that seems to draw the spotlight to them. This remarkable legacy for Kingsbury Cardigans lives on through Millie’s children, grandchildren, and great grandchildren.
I realize there is dog show jargon in it, but is it basically readable?
posted
The dog show jargon is fine as long as it's a trade publication, but it's not very accessible to the lay reader. You probably want to be fairly conservative with unfamiliar terminology.
My basic problem with this draft is that it wanders. You start by introducing Jacque, and you end up telling about a dog named Millie, and there is little strong connection between the two. You tell a few stories, but there is no central story that threads it together. IMO, you go on way too long about Millie and you lose the reader there. If you start out talking about Jacque, you should finish with her, and probably stay primarily with her throughout the piece. Wrap it up by returning to her Oklahoma roots, for example.
I got pretty much lost on the timeline as well. First, it was not clear to me whether Harry P. is Jacque's dog. Also, the initial story is about Maggie, I guess, but you don't name her until the story's almost done. Names need to be stated very clearly up front. Then, you suddenly go back to Harry P's puppyhood. I'm still wondering who Harry P is, and now we're tracing his progeny in a timeline that's not connected to the Jacque story you started with.
You need to decide who this piece is about---Jacque or Millie. Then, you need to base whatever timeline you're going to follow from that person's (or dog's) perspective, all the way through. And you need an overriding theme or story that you can introduce the piece with, tie the stories back to, and conclude with at the end.
My $.02. Hope it helps. Posts: 5957 | Registered: Oct 2001
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posted
afr you would be absolutely right, except for one thing. Talking about any of those dogs *is* talking about Jacque. They are that inseparable In the Cardigan Corgi community she is that well known. This article is actually going to run as a companion to a full page centerfold of Harry P, which is going to detail his most recent accomplishments. Jacque bred and/or owns all of the dogs mentioned in the article. In dog show terminology that means you are irrevokably linked to the dogs in question. The title will be something like "featuring Kingsbury Cardigans"
I agree that there are three themes. I start of talking about Jacque, in the middle discuss Harry P. and then at the end discuss Millie who actually started it all for Jacque. So it does come full circle in a way. Millie is the reason for Maggie and Harry P's sucess. Maggie is also that well known in the breed and that linked to Jacque. She is the top winning cardigan corgi in the history of the breed. However I would like to make the article more accesible to others so I need to figure out how to do that.
posted
AJ, I still think you need to bring it back to Jacque somehow. Regardless of Millie's ties to Jacque, you're starting as though the article will be about Jacque and you're ending as though the article was about Millie, and that makes it feel like it wandered. Let the genealogy section say what it needs to, but wrap up your Jacque story at the end. What are her plans for the future? Does she have any more up and coming dogs? Is she going to make any changes?
The dog stuff may have everything to do with Jacque, but most of it is told in the passive voice without naming who is doing the breeding and their motives and feelings. It reads like a scientific chart. If this is all Jacque's handiwork, then you should keep her involved at all points and tell more about why she made the decisions she made. The paragraph where you do describe how she persuaded Jane for a puppy works better, but after that it's a whirlwind of names and competitions with no clear actor.
Or, I guess, if it's supposed to be about the dogs and not Jacque herself, you could start it off with Maggie and introduce your initial story as kind of a vignette about Jacque herself. Starting the article as a story about Jacque is problematic. It makes me expect the whole thing to be centered on her as a person.
[ February 01, 2005, 01:26 AM: Message edited by: advice for robots ]
Posts: 5957 | Registered: Oct 2001
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posted
I'm mulling on this. You have valid points, I'm just trying to figure out how to incorporate them. I sent this off to my toughest writing critic, my mother. It took me 8 years to recover from last time she shredded my work, but as I'm no longer writing college application essays, it isn't as stressful.
I have a feeling that by the time she gets through with it it will go from 1350 words down to about 900, and once she strips it to its bare bones, it will be really easy to see what it needs.
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