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Now this one's a classic

BY DAVE BARRY

Week 3, and Dave's still not returning our calls. Even when we leave messages as Booger T. Jones from the Institute of Nasal Technology. This would almost *always* work. So for now, here's another classic Dave Barry column, originally published on March 6, 1994.)

Why don't regular people like classical music? This is the question that was posed to me recently in a letter from Timothy W. Muffitt, the music director of the University of Texas Symphony Orchestra, which has gained international acclaim for its rendition of ''Achy Breaky Heart.''

No, I'm sure it's a fine orchestra that plays a serious program of classical music featuring numerous notes, sharps, flats, clefs, bassoons, deceased audience members, etc.

Anyway, Mr. Muffitt states that he has been asked to conduct a series of concerts for the Louisiana Philharmonic Orchestra. The goal is ''to get people into the concert hall other than those who usually come.''

He asks: ''What would get the average Joe into the concert hall? Do you go to classical music concerts? Why or why not?''

Mr. Muffitt, those are important questions, and before I answer them, let me state that I really like saying ''Mr. Muffitt.'' I think ''Mr. Muffitt'' would be a great title for a Saturday-morning children's cartoon show, wherein Mr. Muffitt is a super hero who, accompanied by sidekicks representing every major minority group and gender, goes around kicking villain butt. I have not worked out the details of the plot, although it would definitely involve a Magic Tuffet.

But getting back to Mr. Muffitt's questions: Our first task is to define exactly what we mean by ''classical music.'' When I look in volume ''M'' of my son's World Book Encyclopedia, I find, on pages 838-9, the following statement: 'Mosses grow and reproduce in two phases 'sexual' and 'asexual.' ''Not only that, but during the ''sexual'' phase, the moss develops ''special organs,'' and when the time is ripe, ''they burst and release hundreds of sperm cells.''

Do you believe it? MOSS! Growing organs! Having sex! Probably smoking little one-celled cigarettes afterward! Parents, this could be going on in your community. I think we should alert the Rev. Pat Robertson.

But we also need to define ''classical music.'' A little farther on in the World Book, we come to the section on music, which states: ''There are two chief kinds of Western music, classical and popular.'' Thus we see that ''classical music'' is defined, technically, as ''music that is not popular.'' This could be one reason why the ''average Joe'' does not care for it.

I myself am not a big fan. I will go to a classical concert only under very special circumstances, such as that I have been told to make a ransom payment there. But until I got this letter from Mr. Muffitt, I never knew why I felt this way. I've been thinking about it, and I have come up with what I believe are the three main problems with classical music:

1. IT'S CONFUSING. With ''popular'' music, you understand what's happening. For example, in the song, ''Long Tall Sally,'' when Little Richard sings, ''Long Tall Sally, she's built for speed,'' you can be certain that the next line is going to follow logically (''She got everything that Uncle John need''), and then there will be the chorus, or, as it is known technically, 'the 'Ooh baby' part.'' Whereas in classical music, you never know WHAT will happen next. Sometimes the musicians stop completely in the middle of the song, thereby causing the average Joe, who is hoping that the song is over, to start clapping, whereupon the deceased audience members come back to life and give him dirty looks, and he feels like a big dope. It would help if there were an electronic basketball-style clock hanging from the conductor's back, indicating how much time is left in the song. Speaking of which:

2. IT TAKES TOO LONG. The Shangri-Las, performing ''Leader of the Pack,'' take only about four minutes to tell a dramatic and moving story -- including a motorcycle crash. A classical orchestra can take five times that long just to sit down. There needs to be more of an emphasis on speed. There could be Symphony Sprints, wherein two orchestras would compete head-to-head to see who could get through a given piece of music the fastest. There could even be defense, wherein, for example, the trombone players would void their spit valves at the opposing violin section. This would be good, because:

3. IT NEEDS MORE ACTION. When I was in college, I saw the great blues harmonica player James Cotton give a performance of 'Rockin' Robin'' wherein he stuck his harmonica into his mouth, held his arms out sideways like an airplane, and toppled headfirst off of an 8-foot stage into the crowd, where he landed safely on a cushion of college students and completed the song in the prone position.

That same year -- I did not see this personally, but I have friends who did -- the great blues guitarist Buddy Guy gave a club performance wherein, while taking a solo, he went into the men's room (he had a long guitar cord), closed the door, apparently relieved himself, flushed, reopened the door and came back out and never stopped playing.

You do not forget musical experiences such as those.

I'm not saying that classical musicians should do these things. It would be difficult to get, say, a harp into a restroom stall. I'm just saying, Mr. Muffitt, that until the average Joe can expect this level of entertainment from classical music, he is probably going to stay home watching TV, stuck to his sofa like moss on a rock. But with less of a sex life.

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I had never read this one, and now it has a special place in my heart. This isn't the first time I've heard the sports/symphony analogy. An editorial I read in college cited penalties to the audience for clapping in the wrong places and called the intermission "half-time." In fact, I think I have it somewhere, I'll post it if I find it.

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Until 1972 the original manuscript of Toot Suite eluded discovery, but one of its movements was published anonymously in an 1810 collection entiled Original Calliope Pieces the Whole World Loves to Play on Their Original Calliopes, and internal stylistic evidence convinced the author of this tome that the piece, a fugue, was indeed one of the movements of the Toot Suite, which P. D. Q. had mentioned in a letter to a friend. After the "Fuga Vulgaris" was recorded (on a small indoor, or chamber, calliope) by the great four-handed organist Emmanuel Pedal, the autograph of the entire work was found underneath a mattress in a circus wagon in Sarasota, Florida; with this discovery, the Toot Suite emerged as one of P. D. Q. Bach's most uniquely typical works.

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An excerpt from Barrus Intramurals: the toughest sport yet
by Ben Packer
as published in The Scroll on March 23, 1999

I like to think of what goes on in the Barrus Concert Hall as a new intramural sport, with its own rules and regulations. Clapping in the middle of a piece, for example, is a penalty. It makes the whole team look bad. When the crowd applauded at the wrong time during the Milenkovish/De Silva program a few weeks ago, we were all penalized, and we all looked bad.

I think anybody caught sleeping during a concert deserves a free penalty slap to the head. Talk out loud, and you're ejected.

There are no timeouts, but halftime is called "intermission." You can leave the concert hall during halftime, but you must return before the play resumes.

Just as all sports have their slang terms like "bucket" and "tray" so does the Barrus. If you start using words like "piece" and "movement," people will assume you know what you're talking about. You'll have a new group of symphony friends. Instead of watching the boxing match, you can all get together for the Boston Orchestra concert on pay-per-view.

Wonderful things can be achieved as you excel in Barrus intramurals. You can even achieve the major objective of all sports: getting the girls. Symphony girls are intelligent and passionate, and they love it when you say things like "concerto" and "D major."

When you discover the sport of the Barrus Concert Hall, FA 100 will be revealed as the true opportunity it is. So, stop complaining and start practicing.

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