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I know I'll still be a Mom if I go back to work, but there is something special about SAHMs and I regret having to leave it. I'm going to miss keeping one ear open all the time for the sound of a gate being dismantled and the inevitable crash of the kitchen garbage. I'm going to miss being here when my third grader breezes through, sometimes remembering homework or piano right away but usually wanting a snack. I'm going to miss going 6 days without setting foot outside my front door. I'm even going to miss visiting with the Jehovah's Witnesses every Wednesday afternoon while my kids swirl around me like a couple of electrons.
I'm not going "back out there" because I don't like where I am. My husband feels almost a calling to do massage therapy and he is very good at it, but our society isn't ready to embrace massage therapy from men in large enough numbers to support a family. He has another gift, Arabic, but won't use it in the service of violence. These are both things that I love about him but leave us in an awkward position vis a vis our creditors.
Last year I was talking to a neighbor who manages a financial planning operation, and mentioned I was considering going back to work. She said you (I) would need to make $100,000 a year to have 3 children in daycare. Others have reccommended that I work in a childcare facility, where I can watch my own children while working. But as we've often mused here, childcare workers tend to be undercompensated.
The President of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints, who I consider a prophet, has counselled that women shouldn't work outside the home if they can possibly avoid it. For me this is a commandment on the same level as not smoking and on a higher priority than serving a mission. So I'm definitely torn about it. But perhaps if we had heeded another commandment, to avoid debt as if it were the plague, we wouldn't be forced into this. I guess I consider it like the commandment to not work on the Sabbath. (As far as that goes for our church, I know others take that far more seriously and others don't think of it at all.)
So I just want the SAHMs to know that though I am leaving your ranks, I still look up to you. The conundrum is whether I can do that without it seeming like I think you are better than the "Working Moms". (Or is it the dichotomous Non-SAHM?) While working is necessary evil for me, I can accept that for many it is a simple alternate lifestyle. And even if it is a necessary evil, it does not become more of less evil of one turns out to be very successful at it.
And so we come to my pet theory on why this has all come to be. My mother-in-law had to support their family, because her husband was an artist and also a construction worker, and there were no jobs for him. It happens she was able to serve as a medical technologist and make a happily obscene amount of money. I think she was often judged because she not only supported the family, she supported it well. While my husband would deny it, I think he has both an attraction and repulsion about the wife working that has guided his choices to bring us to this place. I have my own issues, a father who handled all the money and kept my mother on an allowance. Perhaps I also am acting out a script to rewrite what I didn't like in my past.
But all this posturing is counting my chickens before they hatch. I don't have the job yet, after all. I just know that once I do this bittersweet will turn into pure regret.
posted
I know how you feel. My husband has given up his dreams and, for now, his education to support us because we decided that I needed to stay home, but it was a very hard choice. Should I work? Is it financially feasable? What if he did this? What if we did that? In the end, he's had to take a job that's not really what he wants to be doing, and we'll see if we can make it work. But it's hard.
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It's so hard to make a decision that doesn't feel quite right to you. But know that doesn't make you any less of a mommy . What will you look to do?
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I do get the Billy Joel reference and I'm proud.
good luck with the job search Trisha. You're a good mommy, and you're working hard to do what is right for your family.
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kqueen- We have fought this decision and fought over this decision for the last 4 years. The final straw, really, is that our son had to have a truckload of dental work. The poor kid suffered an abcessed tooth for over two months before. I kept praying that the nerves would just die or something. We finally got the work done, but it adds another $120/month to our monthly expenses. Because, you know, we can't afford insurance. Posts: 2010 | Registered: Apr 2003
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Insurance is important. Brain says that is the only reason he stays at a job he hates...the insurance is good.
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Mothertree (you are Trisha, right? I have a hard time keeping track. . .), you and your husband have to decide what is best for your family. Between you and your Heavenly Father, it's no one else's business. Period. So don't go feeling like you owe us or anyone else any explanations.
Having said that, yes, the Prophet has said that women shouldn't work outside of the home when possible. He also understands that individual circumstances vary. If you and your husband, after praying about it, feel that this is what's best, then this is what's best. Feel peace.
I wish you the best of luck with getting a job that works for you and your family.
Do you need resume help? Is there any other way we can help you?
Edit: I knew we had a resume thread going, I forgot it was you. Ooops!
quote:The President of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints, who I consider a prophet, has counselled that women shouldn't work outside the home if they can possibly avoid it.
Can you give more information on that, please?
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quids- I know it's a personal decision, I just understand the cognitive dissonance that might occur with me asking people to pray for me having a good job interview
mack- I'll get back to you. Gospel Library doesn't work on OSX. I think it was a position initially declared by President Benson.
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Anneke will probably have to have a job in our early years, until I get out of school; I'm not at all thrilled about that, but the work she's trained for and wants can (in some situations) be done from the home... something to look into anyways.
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Jamies main problems with this, as far as I can tell, is the strong assigned gender roles. Jamie and I both feel comfortable with her persuing a career in NeuroPsych, while I be a Stay At Home Dad (for how long, we haven't decided yet; I will still persue a career myself). We both feel this works better for our wants and our abilities. However, she feels the church will look down on her for deciding to persue a career, rather than be a stay at home mom.
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quote:Jamie's main problems with this, as far as I can tell, is the strong assigned gender roles. Jamie and I both feel comfortable with her pursuing a career in NeuroPsych, while I be a Stay At Home Dad (for how long, we haven't decided yet; I will still pursue a career myself). We both feel this works better for our wants and our abilities. However, she feels the church will look down on her for deciding to pursue a career, rather than be a stay at home mom.
To be honest, I would bet that a there are plenty of members from both of your Church's (though I'm obviously much less familiar with the Catholic church's culture) that will, or would [EDIT: if they knew about it] anyways, look down on this choice. I guess that's the price you pay for making tough choices, but when you've made the best choice you can, that should be good enough for anyone.
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Hobbes, Jamie converted to LDS, but is still having some hang ups about the church, this being one of them.
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Well if it helps, you'll find that there are a few things that we are very clearly told not to do (have alchoolic beverages, murder, etc...) but this is certainly not one of those things. This is one of those things where the Prophet says "this is a good idea, but there are many exceptions, take your desicion to the Lord." And if you've done that, no one in the Church should look down at you (well really no one should anyways but that's beside the point) though as with every institution on this Earth, there are plenty of people not living up to the standards they set for themselves, so I'm sure that you will find people who look down their noses at you. .
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Cognitive disonnance = irony. Or did I improperly coopt a real psychatric term? In Hinckley's 1998 address to the women's organization:
quote: I think the nurture and upbringing of children is more than a part-time responsibility. I recognize that some women must work, but I fear that there are far too many who do so only to get the means for a little more luxury and a few fancier toys.
If you must work, you have an increased load to bear. You cannot afford to neglect your children. They need your supervision in studying, in working inside and outside the home, in the nurturing that only you can adequately give—the love, the blessing, the encouragement, and the closeness of a mother.
I also ran across an article about the Equal Rights Amendment. It is apparently already legal to draft women. :chuckle:
When I call this a necessary evil, I mean in the sense that a prescription drug is a necessary evil. It is wrong to have just because I want it. But if I require it, it would be wrong for me not to have it.
P.S. A lot of posting occured while I was searching. Jamie- pretty much all the women in my family wind up supporting the husband. Which is why I suspect it is some kind of psychic reenactment. I have a sister who has a master's in engineering, another with an M.D. Ph.D., and one who is a mortgage underwriter. As I mentioned, my mother-in-law was a very successful breadwinner. And my neighbor who manages the financial planning was the Gospel Doctrine teacher at church (as was my MIL for a while and my oldest sister is currently.) While there will be tension between SAHMs and Women who work outside the home in the LDS church, it is simply a reflection of what goes on in society. I'll get the ERA article for you as well.
Ack, it's hard to paste the URL when it was a search result for some reason. It was the March 1980 Ensign. Keep the date in mind- nowadays I don't think they would use the doctrine against homosexual marriage as an axiom on which to reason another point, as it is more a point that requires reasoning itself. I believe the main point of contention was abortion.
quote: When I call this a necessary evil, I mean in the sense that a prescription drug is a necessary evil. It is wrong to have just because I want it. But if I require it, it would be wrong for me not to have it.
I think that is a profound statement.
I think there are some pairs where the man is better suited to be the main caretaker and the woman the breadwinner. While I do believe there is something to the concept of gender rolls set out by the leaders of this church, I think that forcing ourselves to be something we are not can cause a lot of damaging resentment. These things should be considered carefully and we need to make sure we aren't making unkind judgements of others.
When we choose a way of life, it is best to be ready to give ourselves to that way of life freely (which is possible even with concerns, fears, and doubts) rather than grudgingly "going along".
I would hope that the only friction between working moms and SAHMs is that their schedules don't jive and they can't always completely relate to each other. Anything beyond that is inappropirate, IMO.
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I agree. I hate to see people judged for something that is often beyond their control, really. And I think that wards in which working mothers are the majority/a huge minority should adapt their schedules, etc. to include more sisters.
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With Fahim and I, quite honestly, he'd make the better parent than I ever will. If it happened that he stayed home with the kidlets and I worked outside, I'd be fine with that because I know he'd do a better job than me, anyway. But I happen to not want to work outside of the home anyway, kidlets or no.
And circumstances change. It may be better for a few years for the husband to work and the wife to stay home, but with unemployment and layoffs, sometimes, it's not an option. Or. . . whatever the circumstances are.
You have to go with what's best for the family. That's really the only criteria.
Yep, I'm LDS, and I will never be a Betty Homemaker. Well, not in the traditional sense, anyway.
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President Benson's statement is not THE current church policy. (That's the cool thing about having living prophets; we get new doctrine for our times.) The current policy is:
quote:By divine design, fathers . . . are responsible to provide the necessities of life and protection for their families. Mothers are primarily responsible for the nurture of their children. In these sacred responsibilities, fathers and mothers are obligated to help one another as equal partners. Disability, death, or other circumstances may necessitate individual adaptation.
Now, YMMV, but I interpret the term "responsible" to mean, not "has to do it all by him/her self" but rather "is in charge of seeing to it that it gets done well." (Just as the bishop has the final responsibility for the spiritual welfare of his ward members, but he doesn't come to visit me every month -- my home and visiting teachers do that, if and when they remember -- or personally give all the talks in church, or teach all the classes.) If I had kids, I would probably delegate child care duties to a spouse, grandparent, or other responsible person at times. And I could help my husband carry out his responsibility by having some percentage of the income be brought in by me.
And I'd emphasize that last part: other circumstances may necessitate individual adaptation. What's important is to determine, through prayerful consideration, what would be best overall for the lil' kiddos in your particular situationas opposed to "in general." That's why personal revelation is important.
(My particular financial situation is that if I'm not working at least part-time (full time once they hit school age), there will likely never BE any kids. Fortunately, my field offers flexible hours and lots of Saturdays.)
The pattern to avoid is generally the one where you have two parents working 80 hour weeks to climb the corporate ladder or whatever and the children are regarded as a small facet of the parents' lives, rather than as the center (these people should just have goldfish or something).
(There is potentially another bad pattern, where NOBODY wants to hold down a job, so the family doesn't have the necessities of life, but this pattern is considerably rarer.)
As long as the decision is made based on the best interests of the particular little people for whom one has responsibility, it will be a good one.
(By the way, my mother stayed at home, but her decision was based on her own desires rather than any serious thought of what was good for us. She had imagined that she would be well-to-do after marriage, with a cleaning lady to do the chores, and that she would be able to sit around eating bonbons all day or whatever and would never have to actually use her degree or bring in any income. Reality turned out to be different, and she took out her disappointment on my dad and me. In fact, I was BETTER OFF when she was forced to go back to work outside the home, because she wasn't around to dish out emotional abuse all the time. But that's my particular case.)
[ January 25, 2005, 02:39 PM: Message edited by: Yozhik ]
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In my case, I've been in a position to earn more than my husband for much of our marriage, and certainly for the time that we've been parents. We chose that I would go to work and he would stay home with the kids when we lived in Chicago and I earned a salary in the upper 20s. Then we made the choice to move to Iowa, where we both have to work to make the same money (or a bit more) that I was making by myself in Chicago.
Now my husband is unemployed, and his unemployment has run out. It's more vital than ever that I work. Even if/when he gets a job, he won't be making much more than minimum wage.
I do have another choice to make, though. My current job, which I love most of the time, has me working 5 evenings a week. This is time I should be at home to be with my kids. My 11-year-old daughter needs more supervision with her homework, which her dad just isn't giving. So, I'm going to be looking for a day job.
And, BTW, I'm LDS, too. So, my family circumstances require me to work outside the home, but I need to make my job choice help my family, not hurt it.
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Thats tough, Cay. I though about posting another quote from President Hinckley, but he only meant it to be heard by women. Posts: 2010 | Registered: Apr 2003
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As so many others have said, do what's best for your family. Insurance and proper health care are a *must* for families with children, and if you end up going to work be proud of yourself for helping to provide that.
There will be things you love and hate about work, just the same as there are things that (I'm sure) you love and hate about being at home. Journeys are always scariest in the beginning.
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An idea is to take a part time job, if that would work. My mom has one that is from 9-3 so she goes in after my brothers and I have left for school, and she gets home before we do. She also has flexible hours, so she can take off when she needs it. Maybe this would be an option for you, and maybe not. I hope you find something that works for you! Posts: 12 | Registered: Nov 2004
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That's funny, I actually did find a part time job as a bookkeeper for a non-profit near my house, so I can walk to work (don't have to pay for gas ) and at part time, I won't have the temptation to eat out as much as I would if I were working full time. Plus walking 2 miles a day should be good for me.
The benefits aren't what I'd hoped, but our state does offer health insurance for kids and I think my pay will put us in the zone for that.
I'm thinking of applying to Grad school next year so part time would work well with that, I think.
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Congrats, Trisha!!! There's nothing so demoralizing as searching for a job. I'm glad that part is over for you.
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Trisha, I'm glad it worked out. I hope you enjoy it, and I hope it goes well for you and your family. Posts: 8355 | Registered: Apr 2003
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. What will you look to do?
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I guess that's the price you pay for making tough choices, but when you've made the best choice you can, that should be good enough for anyone. ![[Embarrassed]](redface.gif)
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) and at part time, I won't have the temptation to eat out as much as I would if I were working full time. Plus walking 2 miles a day should be good for me.![[Cool]](cool.gif)
I'm glad it worked out.
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