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Shakin' up a new crop of Dems
FLINT JOURNAL COLUMN
FLINT
THE FLINT JOURNAL FIRST EDITION
Sunday, February 27, 2005
By Andrew Heller
JOURNAL COLUMNIST

A local Democrat club asked me to speak to it last week. Big mistake.

First, I'm a lousy speaker.

I get up and ramble. And I make sure to punctuate my ramble with a mix of "ums," "uhs," silly jokes, long-winded asides and so forth. By the time I'm done, I've usually spoken a lot without having said much, and audience members are whispering, "Uh, who was in charge of getting the speaker this month?"

Which is fine by me. Being an awful speaker is the best way I know of not being invited back.

The other reason I was a mistake for the Dems is that I have a pet peeve when it comes to them. Namely, their lame choice of presidential candidates.

Take the last election. The Democrats were going up against George W. Bush, arguably the most defeatable president in history.

What wasn't Bush vulnerable on? He entered the election as a gay-bashing, economy-tanking, National Guard-dodging, Osama-not-catching, deficit-raising, health-care-ignoring, illegal-war-starting buffoon.

My mailman could have beaten him.

And yet, who did the Democrats select to oppose him - a dull, poofy-haired, flip-flopping, Kennedy-wannabe-only-without-the-idealism-or-charisma.

Good choice, guys. John Kerry was a slightly livelier version of Al Gore. Al Gore was Michael Dukakis only taller. And Michael Dukakis was ... well, every Democrat presidential hopeful I can think of from the past 20 years, with the exception of Bill Clinton. Who became president.

The problem is that most Democrats who have presidential aspirations share a number of traits, among them:

An utter lack of personality. Say what you want about W., at least he seems like he'd be fun to have a drink with.

An utter lack of strong positions. Say what you want about W., at least he picks a position and sticks with it.

An utter lack of understanding about how much image matters. What was the enduring image of Kerry during the election? As a wind-surfer, right? Compare that to W. What was he photographed doing? Mending fences on the ranch. Driving pickup trucks on the ranch. Chopping wood. On the ranch.

It's no wonder W. won. Who would you rather have with his finger on the button - a cowboy or an aging surfer dude?

Things have to change. If the Democrats want the White House in 08, they'll follow these guidelines when selecting a candidate:

1) No more Massachusetts uber-liberals.

2) No more poofy hair. For some reason, Americans prefer the short-cropped, slicked-back, Brylcreem-Republican look over the blow-dried, fluffed-out Democrat hairdo.

3) For god's sake, no one named "Nancy" or "Hillary."

4) No one who screams "Eyaaaargh!"

5) Dare to have these radical things called views.

6) Start acting instead of reacting. Dems always let Republicans set the agenda.They made the last election about "family values," which is amazing considering that "Desperate Housewives" is the top-rated show.

And finally, before you name a nominee, go out to a tavern with him.

If you fall asleep in your beer, we probably will, too.

***
aheller@flintjournal.com • 810.766.6116
© 2005 Flint Journal. Used with permission

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An utter lack of understanding about how much image matters. What was the enduring image of Kerry during the election? As a wind-surfer, right?

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