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My mother has been caring for her friend's children (she's away straightening out some legal troubles...yes, the lady from that other thread) since Easter. The girls are 10 and 14.
The ten year old is eager to please, appreciative of my mother's efforts, and generally helpful.
The 14 year old...well, she wasn't. She's run away twice, refuses to do her school work, wouldn't eat with Mom and her sister, wouldn't do any housework...wouldn't even clean her own room.
Mom had been calling me almost every day with "The Daily _____ Report." (Names ommitted) She didn't know what to do to connect with the girl.
Sunday, they came up to have dinner and fun with us for Jennifer's birthday. I had a little talk with miss smartypants. (Oldest sister to oldest sister.)
"Hey, you figured out how to get what you want out of Mom yet?" "No, she's been mean." "Hmmm...Has she asked you to do any chores?" "Yeah, but that's b*&^$#it. She's not my mom. It's my house!" "So you told her that?" (me playing dumb) "Yeah. But she just got mad and wouldn't let me use the phone. I mean, the psycho locked the phone up in the trunk of her car!" " Yeah, she did that to me once too. Know how I got it back?" "How?" "I cleaned my room and washed dishes without being told...told her thank you for fixing dinner once." "That's it?" "Yeah. She's not trying to be mean to you. She's trying to teach you to take on some responsibility. You're right. It's YOUR house. Show some pride!" "You're such an adult. " (like that's a bad thing)
Well! Today she rode up here with Dad to run an errand, and we had a nice talk.
"It worked! I got the phone back and I'm allowed to have a friend over on Saturday! Thank you so much for the advice! Now how do I get her to loosen up on the dating thing?"
posted
Why the eye-rolly? It would be concerning if she were an adult, but the nice thing about being a kid still is that it is okay to be ignorant and it's okay to not know things. She knows now. Well done, Boon!
Posts: 26077 | Registered: Mar 2000
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posted
Another thing is that while it is her house, I am sure her mom had rules too. This girl didn;t pay for any of this, not at age 14, not really. It ISN'T her home, it is her mom's, and the only reason she is still there is that your mom gives a shit.
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I was never like that, I was much worse Posts: 2010 | Registered: Apr 2003
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Boon
unregistered
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:sigh: Where to start...
Okay, first, thanks for the kudos.
Now, on the dating thing, I happen to agree with my mom on this one. The girl is 14, is sexually active, and the boyfriend she had up until Easter is 18. My mom told them both that, while the girl's mother may not mind, that she's the legal guardian, and that they have to give it a break at least until mom gets home. They could talk on the phone, he could come over and they could visit in the living room while mom is present, but that they were *not* to be alone together.
Well, the boyfriend came to mom the next day and thanked her. Apparently, he'd been wanting to break it off for some time, but didn't know how *because* she's so young-he was afraid of retribution in the form of legal action.
Well, Girl was totally pi$$ed about it, but, as Mom pointed out, she didn't break them up, she only prevented them from having sex.
So now Mom's rule is, no boys in the bedrooms, and no boys behind closed doors. Well, that was the rule when I was that age too, and for good reason.
So what advice did I give her?
I'd love to say I had something brilliant to say, but right then Dad came back and the conversation ended.
As far as the money for the household, the girl is seriously deluded...or at least she was until I showed her my checkbook.
See, she gets a social security check because her dad died. My mother got the check this month, and cashed it to help cover expenses. It's something like $265 a month or so. So she thought she really was paying the bills.
Not only has that money been spent on her and her sister, my mother is out quite a bit of money, and I've paid a couple of their bills out of MY account...in excess of that $265!
The girl just needed a serious reality check. Sometimes, when parents don't share the reality of finances and budgets with their kids, they grow up with no sense of perspective.
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And thus we reinvent the chaperone, because if you don't watch them, some kids will have sex like monkeys - and then show all the responsibility of trout.
What I used to tell kids, back when people asked me to SPEAK to kids, was: You know how to get your parents to give you all those privileges you think you deserve?
Take out the garbage.
Don't wait to be asked. Just ... take it out. Neatly. Tidily. Replace the bag. Do the WHOLE JOB. Take out the bathroom garbage; empty any other wastebaskets through the house. All of it.
AND DON'T SAY ANYTHING ABOUT IT.
Just do it. Week after week.
I guarantee that within six months, you will be treated so well and respectfully by your parents that you won't believe it.
If it doesn't take you as far as you want to go, do dishes. Find dishes wherever they're lying around. Rinse them or scrub them or put them in the dishwasher. Take clean dishes out of the dishwasher and put them away where they actually belong. Again, do it without being asked and DON'T MENTION THAT YOU DID IT.
It will be noticed. Like manna from heaven, it will be noticed.
Garbage. Dishes. Just how long does that really take, to earn the trust and respect of your parents?
Of course, you ALSO have to not do drugs or shoplift or do any driveby gang shootings while you're taking on these reponsibilities.
Posts: 2005 | Registered: Jul 1999
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quote:And thus we reinvent the chaperone, because if you don't watch them, some kids will have sex like monkeys - and then show all the responsibility of trout.
Would you recommend that parents start chaperoning their children on dates because some teenagers have sex, though? That would be awkward at best, and potentially problematic when the child suddenly gains a lot of freedom when he goes off to college.
Boon, it sounds like you and your mom are handling things in a good manner. Good luck with the kids. Fourteen is not a good age, for anyone involved.
Posts: 3546 | Registered: Jul 2002
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Boon
unregistered
posted
quote: It will be noticed. Like manna from heaven, it will be noticed.
So very, very true...and, sadly, often not understood by children.
quote: Boon, it sounds like you and your mom are handling things in a good manner.
Yes, but I feel like we're Pinkie and the Brain, plotting to take over the girl's world.
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It's such a weird thing about customs. When I was a kid, chaperoning was still perfectly normal because MOST people did it when kids were still young; double-dating was invented in the hope that the presence of another couple would inhibit the monkey-like impulses of some.
Chaperones who were reasonably discreet, and double dates, did not hinder kids who were NOT bent on bouncing the blanket; they could still have their stilted, awkward conversations just as if no adult or other couple were present <grin>.
But one by one, parents began to stop chaperoning, and eventually even to stop deciding which dates their kids could go on. The abdication of adult responsibility took place under the shadow of the Sixties; parents didn't want to be old-fashioned, didn't want to show that they didn't "trust" their children, didn't want to make their children ridiculous in the eyes of their peers.
Some kids deserved the trust and chaperoned themselves. But others made out like muskrats and suddenly teen sex and teen pregnancy and abortions started going through the roof; and now, having left the roof far behind, we have far MORE unwanted pregnancies (and abortions) now than we ever had in those horrible repressed days when you couldn't even say "condom" out loud and when there was no pill to prevent pregnancy.
But can you put the genie back into the bottle?
There really are some parents in this world who insist that their children won't date AT ALL before 16, and then date only in groups or double dates - with trusted companions - and insist that kids report in and meet curfews and be where they said they'd be, or they lose the right to date.
There just aren't many of them.
But if there were more, it would get easier and easier for parents to draw a line and stick with it. Just as every parent who joined the experiment in letting kids play with their sex drive as if it had no consequences made it harder for other parents not to do the same, so every parent now who draws firm lines and sticks with them makes it harder for unwatchful parents to continue not to watch.
Every kid who says, "Oh, I can't go out with him, his parents won't let him date till he's sixteen," makes her own parents think, Should I have made MY kid wait, too?
It can be quick or it can be slow, but that's how social change happens.
Posts: 2005 | Registered: Jul 1999
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I can see your point of view. However, my parents placed a great deal of trust in me when I was in high school, and I think it helped me mature and become more independent. I was allowed to go to parties after school dances, and I once stayed out all night with my friends watching a meteor shower. Plenty of opportunities for stupid behavior, but thankfully I didn't miss out on those great experiences because my parents allowed me to have them. Toward the end of my childhood, my parents treated me like an adult, and so I acted like one. It certainly made the transition to college much easier, too. I already knew how to use my freedom wisely because I was allowed to practice when I was at home.
My perspective on this is pretty limited, I suppose. I'm nowhere close to being a parent myself. I hung out with a pretty well-behaved group when I was younger, so I didn't see a lot of the stupid things that teenagers do to themselves. I'll agree that some could use a few more boundaries, but for others, freedom is a wonderful gift. But perhaps that's what you're advocating anyway--that parents know their children and adjust their control over their behavior accordingly?
Posts: 3546 | Registered: Jul 2002
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posted
IIRC, this is the girl who was thrown out by the stepmother after her father died? I'm guessing she needs some remedial raising, and it sounds like you and your mom are going to be good for her.
Has your mom sat down with her and talked about house rules? I'm a firm believer that if kids don't know what to expect, they won't do what you want them to do. (and, before I get flamed, I will admit that I have problems in this area - I'm a great talker but not too great at following through)
Posts: 2034 | Registered: Apr 2004
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BTW, this is being added to my Hatrack notes on being a good parent. I've got a few years to worry about dating, but I'm going to start Ryan on mowing the yard next year.
Posts: 4625 | Registered: Jul 2002
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posted
My experience has been that children who were well-chaperoned in high school were often the least likely to get in trouble during high school or experiment sexually.
However, they were the first ones to go absolutely crazy once they no longer lived at home. Whether it was drugs and sex, or getting married at 19.
But then again, I went to a same-sex, Jewish school, so my experiences probably differ from the mean.
Posts: 289 | Registered: Jan 2002
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quote: Whether it was drugs and sex, or getting married at 19.
If they've learned to control themselves and place their own limits, it won't be drugs and sex. Now, I was married a month after I turned 20, but I don't happen to think it was the wrong choice for me. I can see that it would be for some, but everyone is different. I know many a couple that married even younger than that who still have a wonderful, loving relationship in their 70s, 80s, or 90s.
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Most kids really don't have any idea how much household expenses really are. I did a youth group activity a year or so ago (with 8-9 year old girls) about budgeting/finances. For part of it, I gave them a list of various household expenses and a stack of monopoly money (to help them visualize, instead of just doing math on a piece of paper) for their monthly wage. I used fairly realistic amounts and purposefully gave them more things on their list than they had money for. I split them into groups of 3 or 4 and had them as a group decide what to spend their money on. Then I had them explain to they group what things they chose and why. I think it helped them understand the stresses and strains of making ends meet. All of them made comments like "Wow, that's how much a cell phone costs!", etc. If kids aren't exposed to the way household finances work when they're young, it's no suprise that, as teenagers, they'd have no clue.
Posts: 5879 | Registered: Apr 2001
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quote: If they've learned to control themselves and place their own limits, it won't be drugs and sex.
Generally someone who hasn't been given any freedom hasn't learned how to control themselves.
My boyfriend and I were both given a lot of freedom in high school. I had a curfew, yes, but it was one that I could live with and that I found more convient than inconvient most of the time.
My parents never tried to control when or how I did my schoolwork or fulfilled my other responsibilities. I was disapointed about that in elementary school, because it meant that while the other kids in my class were getting 5 bucks for every A they earned my parents didn't see the need to bribe me to get grades I would have gotten anyway. In high school it was a godsend because I learned very early on how to manage my own time and how to balance academic and social obligations. I can name off the top of my head 5 of my friends who never learned that because their parents never gave them a chance to.
Now, in college my boyfriend and I are both doing well. Meanwhile, our friends here whose parents never gave them freedom to manage their own lives are out partying or just hanging out late, only to skip their classes in the morning. I have to think that we got the better deal.
I should say, I didn't use the example of our relationship because I'm not comfortable discussing that without making sure he's ok with it. I've noticed that general there's an overlap between parents who are very protective about their kid's dating and parents who maintain a lot of control over their kid's school work and social life.
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My mom had strict rules about dating, curfews, etc., but told us our grades were our own business.
Posts: 21182 | Registered: Sep 2004
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My mom has been really strict with me my whole life, and in some ways it has helped me become a better person, but it's hindered me a lot too. As soon as I got my own apartment I was so happy to finally be free that I did exactly what was discussed in earlier threads - stayed out late, didn't study, and basically took my liberty a little too far. I'm now in my second semester in college and I think I have the situation in control now, thankfully. It was certainly wonderful to have the newfound freedom to do whatever I wanted, whenever I wanted, with anyone I wanted, but a lot of responsibility comes with that freedom as well. By keeping me fairly close my mother has taught me decent morals and values, but she also never let me experience a lot of things that other teenagers experience, so college has been a big awakening for me. I think there should be a balance between freedom and how strictly rules are enforced. A lot of my friends have parents who do either too much or too little of one, and their children are having problems adjusting to being on their own. My friends whose parents trusted them to do most things but still had certain restrictions are thriving in college.
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Yeah, she did that to me once too. Know how I got it back?"
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nice job!
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Good job, Boon!
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