posted
I am starting to reach that point in my grief process.
I'm sure some wonder why I would need to redefine myself. For the most part, my outer life, ie, my activities, has not changed. In many ways I am where I was before. I have my job at church, which I love. I have my three (surviving) spirited kids I am homeschooling. I have my marriage. I still can enjoy science fiction, filk and the Ren Faire. But, I feel guilty when I have fun.
Some outward things are different. I have a post partum body, but no baby to show for it. I guess it counts at outward that this is the first time in 8 1/2 years I am neither pregnant, nursing, or both. This is huge *to me*. It does involve major re-defining. I have a harder time taking care of myself. Not anything major, or self destructive. But, "Eh, why take vitamens?" "Did I eat breakfast? Does it matter?"
I didn't realise how much of my self definition rested on using my body to nourish a child. Never would have dragged him in for the snip if I had. (dear God, I am convinced now that doing so before the healthy baby is in your arms is a HUGE mistake). ...Brian doesn't know but I've asked my MW for names of docs who do lower cost or sliding scale reversals. Just in case.
...I hate my body. I know, American women say that all the time...but I really do. It failed. I cannot look in the mirror when I'm naked. My firend Cheryl says I have "survivor's guilt" and I think she's right. I cannot get past the idea that somehow, I should have been able to trade my life for his and my failure to do so makes me a failure as a mother.
I know this is very random and rambling, but I needed to get some thoughts out of my head and maybe some insight. I hope people aren't tired of me talking about it.
Posts: 2711 | Registered: Mar 2004
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posted
*hugs romanylass* I hate that once you have figured out who you are, life changes and you have to do it all over again. I'm sorry I don't have solutions, but I wish all the best for you.
Posts: 26077 | Registered: Mar 2000
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posted
Romany, we are your friends - we're never going to get tired of you talking about the loss of your child. I'll have more to add later, but I've gotta run and pick up the kids from school.
not at all tired of hearing you talk, I just wish I could offer more than my sympathy.
I know this is a tough time for you, I understand the need to redefine yourself. I went through something similar (though I'm not trying to compare my situation to yours or suggest my feelings were the same as yours) when I had my hysterectomy.
I had spent 9 years as a mom, and now I was going to have something done to my body that meant I could never be a mother again. Even though I didn't want to have any more children, it still felt like a loss.
I can't give you advice, I have never been in your situation, but I do hope that you find peace, and remember grief is a process, there is no right or wrong time period for you to "get over it." Grieve as long as you need to.
Posts: 14428 | Registered: Aug 2001
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posted
romanylass, you talk all you want. You can still be talking about this in 2012, if you want and it helps.
I've never had children, so I can't really relate to that part of it. However, I've always remembered how it feels to lose a loved one and get the sense that "I should be over this already" -- that other people are tired of hearing about it, that I was just being depressing, that I should just move on.
Mind you, I don't know (looking back) how much of this was what other people displayed and how much was what I projected onto them, but I'm certain in some cases that there was grounds for my uneasiness. But I needed to talk so much -- to share stories, to work through who I now was and could be, to keep it from eating away at myself from the inside.
So, for goodness' sake, I want to hear it. Keep on talking.
Posts: 123 | Registered: Apr 2005
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posted
I'm sorry you're struggling to find yourself. I hope you can find the motivation to take care of yourself. Even if you aren't carrying/nursing a child, your kids still depend on you and need you. Taking care of yourself will allow you to take care of them.
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posted
I seriously think having a place to write everything down and bounce it off people will help keep me sane. At least I'm letting some of the craziness out of my head.
Belle, I can see how you would grieve that. Even if you had decided your family was large enough, you had your ability to change your mind taken away my medical circumstances beyond your control.
ludosti..you're right. I have several friends who have made it their mission to make sure I take care of myself.
Edit- my speelings so bad it makes my head asplode
posted
After a rather icky trip to the grocery accompanied by two fighting kids I'm back.
Romany, my heart truly aches for you. I think what you're feeling is very natural, but please remember to be kind to yourself. You have such a gentle, lovely spirit and you are most definately not a failure at anything - most especially mothering. What you're going through is enormous. You're suffering a major life change on the heels of the death of a child. I know this might not mean much, but you're beautiful to me, and I've never even met you. I can't imagine how beautiful you must be in the eyes of your husband, children, and friends who are right there with you.
Like everyone else, I wish there was something magical I could say right now. Just please keep talking, keep crying when you need to, and remember that we're here for you.
My husband keeps telling me I'm beautiful and I say, "No, I'm not". Then he tells me I am, and that one is allowed to insult his wife. Very sweet of him.
(Yes, Dan. pours some OJ and takes a Floradix). I'm most concerned about my iron now, physically. I was anemic at the end of my pregnancy, and I probably still am.
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posted
Romany, take care of yourself. We're not sick of you, and we're here to listen. Be gentle with yourself and understand that grieving takes time. Allow yourself that time.
Posts: 8355 | Registered: Apr 2003
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(((romany))) You are post partum, and that is a tough time even with a perfectly healthy child. I have no idea what it is like to keep it together, since I was hospitalized and didn't have to fix meals or worry about anything except remembering to put my slippers on, and that was a challenge for me.
I don't know if I heard about the snippage, or if I did I didn't make the connection that it was your family. That's... complicated. I vaguely remember a thread about who should get surgical sterilization but it seems like it was hypothetical. Your situation would certainly give me something else to think about if we ever really discussed it.
I'm not sure how old your other children are, but they probably need you to not faint often, so eat breakfast for them if not for yourself. Yourself will still benefit.
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DPR, take care of yourself, and talk, talk, talk. Have you talked with your doctor at all about your feelings?
Posts: 10890 | Registered: May 2003
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Honey, I'm so sorry. I read this thread, and I have never before wished so much to be able to help someone. I really wish there was something I could do for you, even though I know I can't really do anything. I can just send my love and sympathy, and hope that somehow, soon, it gets easier.
quote: However, I've always remembered how it feels to lose a loved one and get the sense that "I should be over this already" -- that other people are tired of hearing about it, that I was just being depressing, that I should just move on.
I can relate to this. It's been five months since my cousin's death, and it always seems so odd to me that the world can just forget about it, and move on, when for me it's still something I think about constantly. I find myself frustrated with people who've forgotten, or who assume I'm alright because I haven't spoken about it in a while, even though I know that's unfair. I know her death didn't impact people outside my family as much as it impacted us, but it's not something that's easy to accept. But believe me, we all care about this, and especially about you, and every single one of us is your friend, and wants to help you in any way we can. So please, let me know if there's anything I can do. Even if it's just to listen, or be a shoulder to cry on. *hugs again*
Posts: 7877 | Registered: Feb 2003
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I seriously think that I started grieving only after everyone else was done. It was like I needed to not be a burden on people when they were being sad, but once they were better, then I could. It was hard, though, because they were better, and they didn't want to be reminded.
It's totally okay to still be sad. I love to hear the stories. Posts: 26077 | Registered: Mar 2000
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posted
Romany, my mother died forty years ago next month. My grandmother has never stopped grieving. It changes, but it will always be a part of you, as your baby was a part of you. You will change, but you will also grow.
Posts: 10890 | Registered: May 2003
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quote: Nobody blames you for living when the choice was never up to you. Least of all your son.
Trevor, I need to keep hearing that. My brain will tell me, "It's not like you had the chance to thorw yourself in front of a bullet or speeding car and didn't", and then my primal illogical mother brain says, "But...but..but...mothers give their lives for their children!". I guess I need to get my brain and emotions to agree ( on that and many other thoughts. Like when I have a hard time with the kids and think "Aha!He died because I'm a crappy mother and didn't deserve 4 kids!")
((((mothertree))))That must have been so difficult, to have everything complicated by being hospitalised. I remember you saying else where you missed the funeral.
Yep, I had started the hypothetical snippage thread while my hubby and I were deciding, not sure if I actually said anything when he did it. Part of me wonders if it's not a little better to have nothing to discuss *right now*, because he would most definately want to be careful now, and I would be pressuring him otherwise.
posted
I wish I could tell you why he died or even that there was a reason why he died.
The thought "being a crappy mother" doesn't even deserve being repeated. Think that again and a long line of people will start flogging you with wet pasta.
I know appealing to your rational side will only go so far and your emotional side will stop hurting when it's good and ready and not a second before.
But there was nothing you could do. You never had a choice in what would or wouldn't happen. It was never up to you.
And your son will be first in line with an armful of wet, if spiritual, pasta if you don't stop beating yourself up.
posted
romany, whatever happens in the future, I hope you also know in your heart that you, right now, are wonderful. You're a mother, and a wife, and so many other things to so many other people (child, aunt/sister/cousin/relative..., helper, supporter, valuable member of Hatrack,...). What you make of yourself will also be wonderful.
I'm sorry that I (and the others here) can't make it stop hurting, or help more than just with words of love and encouragement, but I'm sure you know by now what we all think of you and how we're pulling for you. No matter what.
Logic isn't enough. There's no easy fix. Some things just have to take up your time and your mind until they become dulled, encapsulated, or nestled more comfortably into the network of thoughts, memories and emotions.
People do worry about you taking care of yourself mentally and physically because we know what we're like when overwhelmingly bad things happen. And we always want the happy face to come back fast.
Well...sometimes it can't. And you go on anyway. Because you can, and because you're needed. And that helps the healing too.
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posted
I don't know very much about how to make it through the grieving process successfully, but I imagine that talking about it is important. It reminds me of when I have a really potent dream--one that effects me emotionally in a profound way. The more I talk about the dream to another person, the more the "spell" is broken and it becomes "just a dream". But if I don't address it at all, it will haunt me all day long.
I hear about people who lose someone and it cripples them emotionally for life. I know that you don't want to be that way. Even as you are frustrated with people expecting you to be "over it", you are probably feeling impatient with yourself also, wondering, "Well, when *will* I be over it?"
I have thought about this a bit over the years--how probably after an especially painful loss there must be moments when the pain comes back afresh, as though no time has passed and the loss just happened. I think that is one of the reasons why you need to continue talking about it with those who do care and will always listen. I can tell you honestly, there is no part of me that expects you to be anywhere near "over it". Raia either, for that matter. I'm sorry that you worry that people might get tired of hearing about it. It makes me want to be sure that I *never* feel that way.
But I also think that an important part of healing is filling your life with new things. I think that is where a lot of people get "stuck" in the grieving process. They don't want to let go. They don't *want* to get on with life. They just want things to be the way they were. It's almost a feeling like if you really let go and move on, you have betrayed the memory of that loved one.
To those who feel that way, I would say: Keep your shrine, your journal, your secret place where you regularly mentally visit your loved one. Let them know that they are still a part of your life and not forgotten. And then go on and live the rest of the time. You must fill your life with good things or else become "dead" yourself. And it does seem that there is some desire for that. Why go on with the heavy burden of living when the one you loved so much is dead? But as Trevor said, those who love us want us to live.
But I imagine that hard work to keep trying to live is where a lot of the pain happens. It is easier, less painful, to remain still, paralized with the pain. Moving hurts. And it doesn't seem to do any good at first. But keep moving. Don't stop moving. Stop to rest if you must, take the time to regularly visit that secret place in your heart, but don't linger too long.
I guess there is no way to get beyond the pain but to go through it. And I feel awfully obnoxious speaking of these things as though I know what I am talking about. I'm sorry if I have presumed too much.
Posts: 7050 | Registered: Feb 2004
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posted
Trevor, I was actually laughing at the mental image of a ghostly baby standingbehind me, slapping me with invisible linguine. I know that sounds bizarre but I think it's probably good that I can laugh at somehting like that.
My therapist had an interesting insight on why I seem so hell-beny on blaming myself. She said my son's stillbirth has challanged one of my "basic assumptions', ie, that if I chose a competent, experienced care provider, follow her advice, educate myself, and basically "do the right things", I would be guaranteed a healthy, or at least living baby. She thinks that perhaps I am more willing to beleive that I *somehow* must be to blame, than to accept that my basic assumption was wrong. Hmmmm...
Bob..... I need to work on the idea that "I am wonderful". Heck, I'm still working on "adequate". But, I have been told that I have unrealistic expectations for myself, so maybe that's what I need to work on too.
Really, words of love an encouragement are what helps. I don't know what else would help more. On the hard days I go back and re-read all the kind posts. It always makes me feel a little better.
bev, no, you haven't presumed! That was very insightful. Some days I have felt like truly living again was tantamount to forgetting and therefore betraying Benjamin...I am coming to see that's not true. I read a quote by Rabbi Kushner (book is in room with sleeping people) that in time we will come to see that we are actually living our child's years with and for him... I found that so re-assuring. I(f that's true, I have to do it to the fullest. My very good friend, my neighbor, had both said that her shoulder is always there (middle of the night, on her cel at work) to cry on, *and* that she will not allow me to bury myself with my son. A few weeks after I gave birth, she not only took me out for live music, but contacted the singer ( who had last seen me the day before Benjamin died) so I would not have to answer the "Oh, did you have your baby?"question. ( And the singer, rather than ignoring it, came up, hugged me, and asked about it. I appreciated that; I think some people are afraid to open wound by bringing it up, but it's much more uncomfortable when people who knew me when I was pregnant completely ignore it).
Posts: 2711 | Registered: Mar 2004
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I am a newbie and a big OSC fan. Your post moved me and I wanted to respond to you.
About five years ago I experienced a lot of loss. My sister-in-law died of cancer at age 44 leaving two small children. Shortly after that I lost my mother-in-law, my husband's uncle and my aunt. At that time I read a fascinating book that I found very comforting. "Many Lives, Many Masters: The True Story of a Prominent Psychiatrist, his Young Patient and the Past-Life Therapy that Changed Their Lives," by Brian L. Weiss, M.D. (Phew - long title!) Reading this book opened my eyes to some new possibilities and helped me get through a rough time.
Also, I am the mother of two teenage boys. I remember experiencing some feelings of sadness and confusion when I knew I was not going to have more children. I don't believe you have to consciously redefine yourself. Just realize as you move forward that every age and developmental stage has good and very funny things about it. I'll never forget that I was very worried about my older son at age two because he wasn't talking. Then one day the telephone rang and a small, high, piping voice said, "I'll get it." When he was a little older I told him I thought he grew another foot while he was sleeping. He looked down at his feet startled and said, "I did?" Just keep moving forward and look for the good and the funny. I'm thinking about you and wishing you well.
Posts: 15 | Registered: Apr 2005
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posted
Thanks, Randi. I'll check the library for that book.
The surprising thing is how complicated this whole process is. The main thing I am grieving is the loss of my son's life, but there is so much more I have to grieve and adjust to than I ever thought.
I think next time I talk to my midwife I will offer my services as doula to her mothers who have a stillbirth. Luckily, she only sees one about once every two or three years, so I should be able to by then. I wish I'd had someone who'd been there by my side.
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