posted
I confronted my Dad yesterday about some of the physical abuse he did to me. (I also got a good dolop of emotional abuse from Mommy.) "I remember three summers ago when you punched me in the face because Mom was upset, and you laughed, and that memory will be with me for the rest of my life, every single day."
The answer: "Don't be rude...why's the reclycing in the middle of the room?"
I was so shocked and pained that I left the house. I am now wandering about. I would appreciate some advice.
posted
As an additonal note, the event refered to occured yesterday, at around 5 PM. I've been wandering since then.
Posts: 3060 | Registered: Nov 2003
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posted
All I can say is that it sounds like your dad is in denial -- and as long as he chooses to continue to pretend that it didn't happen, or that he doesn't want to discuss it -- I don't see you making any forward progress on communicating with him about it.
posted
Yes. Do you need advice on confronting/resolving things with your dad, how to go back and avoid further abuse/confrontation, or on getting out of the house permanently? If the latter, age and education are important for us to know.
Posts: 26071 | Registered: Oct 2003
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posted
Are you large enough to be hitting him back? While I don't usually advocate violence, an armed truce may be the best you can hope for. Most bullies will back off if retaliated against.
Posts: 10645 | Registered: Jul 2004
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posted
My brothers were all big enough to strike back against my dad, but I think they were more afraid of being like him than they were of being abused.
P.S. I was taller than my dad by 14, but I sensed that if I went down that road I might not stop with retaliation. It's a good thing I didn't know about life insurance when I was a minor.
Posts: 2010 | Registered: Apr 2003
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quote: your dad is in denial -- and as long as he chooses to continue to pretend that it didn't happen, or that he doesn't want to discuss it -- I don't see you making any forward progress on communicating with him about it.
Farmgirl
I agree with Farmgirl. If he's pretending it never happened or won't discuss it, what can you accomplish right now? It sounds like an apology is not forthcoming, if that's what you were hoping, even though it seems like you deserve one.
I know you're angry about the situation, but the anger won't help you accomplish much. Be careful--if you press the issue too hard you might have to look for another place to live, whatever your age.
Maybe you should wait a couple of weeks or a month and bring it up again then. Try to be calm before the conversation, just say what you want to say without losing it. Do you have other relatives who know about your dad hitting you, and could be with you when you bring it up next?
posted
Phanto, I am so sorry that all this has happened. It takes a very mature person to want to resolve these issues with your father.
While he may not be ready to confront the situation, you are. This might be a good time for you to seek out a counselor for some therapy. Maybe in time (probably a long time), your dad will come with you and the two of you can start the healing together.
posted
Where did you sleep last night? If you're not ready to go home yet, it may be a good idea to call home and tell them you're safe but that you're not coming home. If your parents spend a lot of time looking for you, they may be angry when you finally do come home, and then they'll be in no mood to talk about the real issue--which is your father.
I recommend you go to the house of a friend or teacher or other person you trust. That way you won't just be "wandering" and you can talk out your frustration with someone. I find that thinking for too long about stuff like that can drive me crazy, but you might be different.
Posts: 1903 | Registered: Sep 2003
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posted
if you press the issue too hard you might have to look for another place to live, whatever your age.
This is why we really can't know how to advise you if we don't know your age.
Even if you are 18, there are probably financial considerations like paying for college. I remained dependent on my parents to various degrees until I got married, which I did quite young.
I think the important thing is that your self worth should not be ultimately be determined by a) what your parents think of you and b) the way they express it. And the two are very often different. To be someone's child is to care slightly more what they think than just any Joe on the street. But it can't matter more than what you think.
Posts: 2010 | Registered: Apr 2003
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posted
I actually saw him again today, and he apologized, which is quite an achievement for him, as I really can't remember him apologizing ever before (he probably has, though I forgot about it.)
Always forward and all that; thank you all for your support!
Posts: 3060 | Registered: Nov 2003
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posted
I've been singing Cat Steven's/Josef Mohammed's "Father and Son" to myself a lot lately.
What happened with me in the long run is that when my parents broke up, I wrote my Dad a letter about how I'd be sad if I never saw him again. He wrote back and shared some really personal things, though I don't know if a specific apology was there. Still, I felt like we were at peace. Then I was mad at my mom for a decade or so and then I forgave her too. I don't know if the latter would have happened if I weren't posting on hatrack. At least, I don't know if it would have happened yet.
Posts: 2010 | Registered: Apr 2003
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posted
I'm glad you got the apology you were looking for and I hope it's the first step to either repairing your relationship with him or coming to terms with it.
Posts: 3037 | Registered: Jan 2002
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