posted
Anyone have a suggestion for how to deal with a backseat driver?
I had to dodge out of a merging lane back into a lane heading onto an off-ramp tonight when I saw someone coming up behind me going a good 20+ miles an hour over the speed limit. My good spouse complained to me for a good couple of minutes that if I had kept my turn signal on they would have slowed down. I doubt this, but more to the point, a driver should never in my opinion compromise the safety of his passengers because he's worried someone in the car is second-guessing him. What I did was safe; what it was suggested I do was not.
Basically I'm up now because I'm fuming and it's bringing all sorts of past anger to the forefront of my mind. It's not pleasant, and it's keeping me awake.
Posts: 3826 | Registered: May 2005
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quote: Anyone have a suggestion for how to deal with a backseat driver?
Patience and understanding help. If these alone don't solve the problem, you can say something like "When I drive, I drive the way I believe is best. If this is a real problem for you, you're welcome to drive."
Posts: 37449 | Registered: May 1999
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posted
How fast were you going? If they were in the merging lane, they should have been expecting someone to actually be merging. They always have the option of moving into the next lane over.
So, I'd have to say the way to deal with a back seat driver is to listen to what they say and apply it in the future. Sooner or later, you'll be driving the way she wants you to, meaning the right way. Posts: 9871 | Registered: Aug 2001
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quote:Originally posted by Kayla: How fast were you going? If they were in the merging lane, they should have been expecting someone to actually be merging. They always have the option of moving into the next lane over.
So, I'd have to say the way to deal with a back seat driver is to listen to what they say and apply it in the future. Sooner or later, you'll be driving the way she wants you to, meaning the right way.
Do people _usually_ drive over twenty miles an hour *over* the speed limit in the far *right* lane where you live?
Posts: 3826 | Registered: May 2005
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posted
I was assuming that you were actually just entering the highway from the off ramp, tried to merge onto the highway and was forced back into the off ramp lane. If you were forced into an off ramp lane from the highway, I' don't understand where the merge lane it.
If you were just entering the highway, I was wondering how fast your car makes it up to highway speed. If you were only doing 55 on your way to 70 and the guy was doing 75, then he should have either slowed down or moved over a lane.
quote:Do people _usually_ drive over twenty miles an hour *over* the speed limit in the far *right* lane where you live?
Depends on the highway. On some, they sure do. On others, no.
Posts: 9871 | Registered: Aug 2001
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posted
I suggest a frank discussion of the issue when you are NOT driving. Sit down together and talk about your concerns, how you felt being second-guessed, etc. A hard and fast rule is never going to be something you can both follow.
On the other hand, thinking seriously about someone else's opinion of a driving maneuver is not always a bad idea either. If you felt that the suggestion was unsafe, you should simply say "it was not safe" and leave it at that. But people who can't abide suggestions on their driving are also not to be trusted, so, IMHO, this should not turn into a prohibition against suggestions.
Another tactic could be to simply agree, and continue to do whatever you feel is best anyway.
Posts: 22497 | Registered: Sep 2000
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Yeah, don't argue, do what you want, and don't feed the criticism by replying, just do it and say, hey we're still here, its fine.
Posts: 9912 | Registered: Nov 2005
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I disagree with those of you saying to utterly disregard any backseat driver advice. Sometimes the backseat driver's observations are better, since that person isn't under the pressure of driving. Just because you're driving doesn't mean you're right.
Posts: 4077 | Registered: Jun 2003
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posted
For the most part, I only complain about the driving if the person does something particularly dangerous.
For example, after missing the needed exit on the freeway, stopping and backing up to it. It was late at night so traffic was nearly nonexistent, but it still freaked me out.
posted
I particularly enjoyed the time I was quietly white-knuckling it and my husband, who always tells me he's not tailgating, had to run off the road to avoid hitting the car in front of us, who'd stopped. There was snow on the ground, but not a lot and he thought he had plenty of room, till the wheels slid. But he doesn't tailgate.
Besides, you'd think after 17 years together, he'd know how nervous I am in a car when the driver isn't a proper distance from the car in front of him. I was almost killed in a car. I'm jumpy as hell in one when he insists on being, what I consider to be, too close to the next car.
And I'm well aware that my depth perception isn't as good as his and he is probably right a majority of the time. But I'm in the car! Would it kill him to stay a bit farther back than he would when driving alone?
Posts: 9871 | Registered: Aug 2001
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quote: Sometimes the backseat driver's observations are better, since that person isn't under the pressure of driving.
Sure. Which is why you accept it in good grace, unless they keep it up -- and if they keep it up, you tell them to either drive or keep quiet.
quote: I particularly enjoyed the time I was quietly white-knuckling it and my husband, who always tells me he's not tailgating, had to run off the road to avoid hitting the car in front of us, who'd stopped.
I'm pretty sure you aren't allowed to enjoy schadenfreude if you're in the car, too.
Posts: 37449 | Registered: May 1999
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Sure, I can. No damage was done, except to his pride.
Though I was being sarcastic and enjoyed neither while it was happening, nor after if was over. I should have enjoyed it after, but I really don't generally like to say "I told you so" to most people. Now, two years after it happened, when he tells me he's not tailgating, I'll say, "Yeah, you're not tailgating. Just like the time we slid off the road to avoid the collision."
Actually, after writing that post last night, I decided this morning to discuss it before we went out. It snowed all day yesterday and last night (supposed to get 6-8", but only ended up with 2" which is not enough to bring the snowplows out.) So, I said to him, "I'm perfectly well aware that you depth perception is better than mine, and that you drive fine even if we have a different opinions about the physics of stopping a car. That said, would you like me to drive today, or will you take into consideration that I'm in the car and am crazy and leave lots of room between you and other cars and slow down much sooner than you normally would at stop signs and stop lights?"
He said he'd drive. He did a pretty good job, too. I only had to remind him about one stop sign that he wasn't planning on stopping for. (There's a road that he's driven for 20 years and a couple of years ago, they stuck a stop sign up. For no particular reason, too. He doesn't drive down that road much anymore and always forgets that it's there.
So, yay, it worked.
Posts: 9871 | Registered: Aug 2001
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posted
By the time I was merging, I was going 60, which was the speed limit. The person behind me was at least 200 feet behind me when I did so. Seconds later, he/she was not.
My frustration is that doing what I did, at worst, would have delayed us a couple of minutes because we would have been forced to take an early exit and ended up about fifteen blocks from our intended exit. Doing what I was told to do could have gotten us into an accident. The person behind me started leaving the right lane (going left) as I did; they were only about half-way out of it by the time they got to where I'd been.
I'm not eager to take chances on other people's willingness to brake when my two year old daughter is in the back.
quote:My good spouse complained to me for a good couple of minutes that if I had kept my turn signal on they would have slowed down.
Why exactly would this have helped? Maybe I misunderstand, but if you're in a merge lane, it should be pretty apparent to the drivers already on the highway that you are going to merge.
Posts: 4625 | Registered: Jul 2002
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posted
I think the best thing to do is pull over at the next convenient place, put the car in park, get out, walk around to the passenger door, hold it open, and stand there saying nothing until the person figures out that they are driving now.
What is very counterproductive to do is to get angry, either at the time, or later on. This is one of those things that anger doesn't help. However, a smiling, good natured, swap of the driver of the vehicle will work wonders. Through struggling with my temper I have realized that we always choose how we respond. Anger is a choice. Choosing to use it sparingly makes one a happier, healthier, saner person.
In my family, when you give advice on how to do a chore, it instantly becomes your chore for the next while. Works great to keep everyone working well together and focused on their own tasts.
Posts: 6246 | Registered: Aug 2004
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posted
I wish I could say getting angry was a choice for me. It isn't. How I deal with my temper is, to a point. I tend to try and sublimate it until I can work around it. Often that works. Sometimes it doesn't. Sometimes it seems to, and then all the unfairnesses I feel I've quietly gone through come bubbling up at some later date.
But I know if I speak angrily when I'm angry, I'll say my case poorly and quite possibly say things I'll regret.
...Thus I end up creating a topic like this.
Posts: 3826 | Registered: May 2005
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