posted
Yeah. Kelly and I talked about things tonight. Basically, she told me I was coming on too strong. Which, in hind-sight, I can totally understand, as I'm sure everyone else can. Eh. I've still got a lot to learn. Happily, I'm not terribly hurt (Though it still sucks to have that sudden woosh of hopes just going bye-bye), we're still friends, and she still wants to do stuff with me, which is good. I'm learning, which is also good. I'm frustrated, but I'll live. And that's good as well Posts: 3003 | Registered: Oct 2004
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posted
For what it's worth, my wife and I broke up twice - permanent breakups, we thought - before we finally married. Stretching our courtship out for three years. You never know what will happen. Except that if she gets a restraining order against you, it's probably never going to end up the way YOU wanted. So ... where there's no restraining order yet, there's hope. (Engrave that in stone, please, someone.)
Posts: 2005 | Registered: Jul 1999
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posted
The fact that she still wants to do things with you is good. Enjoy her company. Have fun. Let her get to know you, and find out what a great guy you are (if this is indeed the case--you seem all right to me). You should probably avoid bringing up the idea of a relationship. If she wants one, she'll most likely let you know.
Posts: 3546 | Registered: Jul 2002
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Boris, are you sure you aren't me by any chance?! After seeing what's happening to you I can't help but wonder... Posts: 4519 | Registered: Sep 2003
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I do actually know of women who thought somehow that getting a restraining order would hurt their boyfriend's feelings less than telling them, "I don't want to talk to you anymore."
One can take the North Dakota Nice thing too far.
Posts: 99 | Registered: Mar 2005
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posted
This is why I asked how many times a day you were trying to call her. A lot of women get very, very freaked out by too much interest, too early.
When you first start "dating," try to stick to making contact about once every two or three days.
Posts: 37449 | Registered: May 1999
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posted
Not just women. I would get freaked out, too, if any person, male or female, started calling me 4 times or more per day. That's why telemarketers scare me so much. I try to tell them that I don't love them anymore, but they keep calling anyway! All the time! And especially at dinner!
Posts: 1423 | Registered: Sep 2003
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posted
Don't worry, Boris. My early dating days were similiar: falling in love immediately, seeming too involved too soon, and overreacting to every rejection. You'll keep dating, learn to pace yourself, and be fine.
I'm going to recommend a movie to you (and anyone else who hasn't seen it): Swingers. It has a ton of great dating advice, and the answering-machine scene is one of the strongest examples of what-not-to-do ever.
posted
And one of these times, soon or not so soon, there will be a young lady who adores you, who waits for your call as eagerly as you wait for hers, who emails you with silly questions about your likes and dislikes and you will fill them out and ask her equally silly ones. You’ll have long phone conversations that mostly consist of neither of you wanting to hang up. She will think the way you smile is the most beautiful thing she’s ever seen. In fact, she might even think the way you hold a pencil is the most beautiful thing she’s ever seen, or the way you clink the side of your bowl when you eat ice cream. She will be as head over heels with you as you are with her.
That’s what you want.
Posts: 628 | Registered: Nov 1999
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posted
Yes, very true quote. I once did the "secret admirer" thing to a level that you could consider right on, or possibly over, the line to stalking. Particularly the bit with flowers and a card on the hood of her car when she got off work...
But that got her my email address, we exchanged a few emails and eventually dated and that was a pretty good relationship while it lasted. (about 5 or 6 months)
It could have been creepy though, and I would only recommend such an approach as an absolute last resort to asking someone out, and with extreme caution.
quote:Originally posted by TomDavidson: When you first start "dating," try to stick to making contact about once every two or three days.
But then if she really likes you, she might get angry that you don't call often, therefore ruining your chances.
Posts: 4174 | Registered: Sep 2003
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Every woman is different - gauge the waters and try to tailor your contact accordingly.
If the date went well, call/email her the next day and tell her you had a great time and a vague "I'd like to see you again sometime."
But if the date only went ok, then wait a couple of days before making another casual overture. Make sure she's comfortable with the terms and intensity of interaction.
-Trevor
Disclaimer - it's amazingly easy to armchair quarterback. Posts: 5413 | Registered: Jun 2004
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I would opt for a dose of caution and slowness, myself. The last guy I dated went from a handful of e-mails, two phone calls, and one all-family play date (i.e., take the kids with) to one adult date and let's get family cell-phones, you leave your job, we get married, and you can be a housewife and mommy.
(Is still relieved that said paramour took the strong suggestion of backing far away very, very seriously.)
Posts: 5609 | Registered: Jan 2003
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posted
dkw (and her expert opinions) reminds me: I was actually going to point out in one of the other panic over a relationship threads that if you're a young guy starting out in dating, older sisters are really good sources of useful dating advice from the female perspective.
If you don't have any older sisters, both of mine are on hatrack. Feel free to borrow them.
posted
Well, that was reasonable, rational, and logical, Glenn! Takes all the guesswork out of it! (grin)
Posts: 5609 | Registered: Jan 2003
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Ditto, I must say that Glenn's suggestion struck me as sensible.
I agree with Tom that if you're really interested, you should still only call the girl once or twice a week. If she likes you back, she'll invite you to call after you see her. Or, in the best scenario, she'll call you!
I find myself doing that with guys, I'll say "Call me soon so we can figure out when we're going to _____" or something like that. You know? That's my cue that I'm interested and would like phone contact SOON.
Posts: 6415 | Registered: Jul 2000
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posted
Of course, there is the old "I'm very interested in you but don't want to creep you out" method of expressing yourself to potential love interests.
Posts: 22497 | Registered: Sep 2000
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Boris, you could also just go on about your business for a week or two, just kinda float along in life. Then just make a casual call and ask if she'd like to catch a movie.
All in all, the best bet with a new relationship is for the gentleman to let the lady set the pace.
Posts: 2848 | Registered: Feb 2003
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Although, I've had to put the brakes on myself too and let the guy set the pace. I think it just depends on who's the most interested at the outset.
Posts: 6415 | Registered: Jul 2000
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Well, she told me she'd call me. So I'm just going to wait for that. Mostly I'm just going to expect only to see her at the weekly swing dance we have here. At any rate, I'm feeling better about the whole deal, considering the fact that I learned a TON about relationships from it. I wish I could have figured it all out before all this, but I'll get more chances.
Posts: 3003 | Registered: Oct 2004
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"But then if she really likes you, she might get angry that you don't call often, therefore ruining your chances."
There is no real downside to this. Worst-case scenario: she realizes that she wishes you'd call more often.
Every three or four days is not so long that a girl with all major brain functions will be angry at you, but not so close that she'll stop missing you. You want women to miss you.
Posts: 37449 | Registered: May 1999
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posted
Yeah. "How can I miss you if you won't go away?"
quote:Well, she told me she'd call me. So I'm just going to wait for that.
Boris, that sounds like a great plan. Good luck. I'm a firm believer in taking it slow and casual...and swing dancing is a great way to casually just 'see her around.'
Posts: 6415 | Registered: Jul 2000
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Boris, don't worry, you're not me! My problems tend to finish worse than yours... I remember telling Choobak something in situation somewhat alike: take a deep breath, calm yourself, and do as you said you will do - wait for her to call. Small steps, Boris, small steps... Posts: 4519 | Registered: Sep 2003
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posted
I wouldn't call right away, unless you have made plans to do so, and then if you have make sure you call. If you don't she will assume you are blowing you off, or at least there is a chance she might.
If she doesn't call in a week or so, make a point of calling then and asking if she wants to do something else. If she doesn't you will have all teh answers you need.
Last but not least, don't burn any bridges at this point, you neven know what the future holds. Sometimes it isn't you that is the problem, it is the timing. In a monthm or a year, or even maybe a week the timing might be better, and she could become interested again.
Most of life is about timing, which is something I wish I had learned earlier in life. . .and not just for relationships, either. Posts: 15082 | Registered: Jul 2001
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