posted
I had to disown my mother almost seven years ago. The reasons for this were how poorly she treated my brother and I throughout our whole lives. Time and time again I would try to get her to see the hurtful things she was doing to us, and she would repeatedly deny most of them. When she would come clean on one or two of the issues, she’d promise to treat us better but she’d always end up falling back into her old habits within days. It might take months or a few years before my brother and I would become fed up with her behavior and try to address the issues once again.
When my first child was born (seven years ago this past Feb) she exhibited the same selfish and hurtful behavior to her new granddaughter as she had to my brother and I over the past two-and-a-half decades. I gave her an ultimatum to clean up her act. She claimed to do such a thing was unfair. Maybe she was right, because even though I was giving her this last chance, deep inside I was already fed up with the years of neglect and abuse; and I wasn’t about to expose my children to that garbage either.
However, once I kicked her out of my life I began to hold a grudge against her. This grudge spilled over into the rest of my life and helped to make me a bitter person. In addition, it increased a trend where I was unknowingly becoming more closed-minded while losing touch with my empathy for others. So if I saw anyone that was even remotely similar to my mother I hated that person. Over time, I began to hate anyone that showed any kinds of flaws in their character. This grudge was poisoning me.
Since I have realized this I have been able to release my anger for my mother. I decided to write her a letter to inform her of how I feel, but I also am trying to make clear to her that she is not welcome back into my life. Given how she dismisses the issues once everyone is “good” again and falls back into the same pattern, I do not wish to have a mother/son relationship with her.
But at the same time I feel that totally cutting her off is wrong of me. Who am I to do that?
So I am considering offering her a limited email correspondence that will be conducted on my terms. My wife believes that it’s a bad idea though. She says to deliver the letter and then live and let live. I’m not sure that is the correct choice.
I am really lost here and do not know what to do. One part of me (probably guilt) says I at least owe her this, while the other part says to drop the letter in the mail and move on with my life. I no longer love the woman and have no use for a relationship with her. I’m just not sure what the right thing to do is.
posted
Hmmm, well, I would say that if you're not willing to even *entertain* the notion of reconciliation with your mother, don't even send the letter. Do nothing.
My advice is if you're willing to hear what she has to say when she responds, go ahead and send the letter.
posted
Having written the letter, do you feel better? If so, I agree, don't send it.
Does your daughter have extended family on your wife's side? It's a shame that your daughter is deprived of a grandmother because she's a nut, but I understand. My parents were out of my son's life for 5 years and are only in it in a limited capacity now. I feel for you.
Posts: 9871 | Registered: Aug 2001
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posted
I guess you are all correct. My wife was not articulating herself well when she gave me her advice, but now that I hear it from you it seems as though this was where she was heading as well.
I do feel better now that I have worked it out for myself. I guess the letter was for me and not for her then. Thanks for your input. It didn’t take me long to realize it is what I need to do for myself. I’ll just file that letter in my archives and move on.
Kayla,
My kids have a limited relationship with my wife’s mother. That’s it. My father abandoned us when I was five and my mother was too wrapped up in her own life to give her children what they needed. My family has stood by the idiots in our family, so I knew when I left her I was leaving them all behind. My wife’s father is a crack addict who sexually abused her at a young age. My wife gets along with her aunt and had a shaky relationship with her younger brother and sister. My brother is the only family member I still have a relationship with. He also left our family.
So my kids have one grandmother of questionable quality, one great aunt that cares for them quite a bit, and an uncle they like a lot. My wife and I sometimes get upset over how things turned out, but we remind ourselves that we are building the foundations of a new family for our children to enjoy.
Thanks for the advice everyone. Posts: 339 | Registered: Mar 2005
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posted
Hatrack is great. My parents stopped to have any contact with two of my grandparents when I was six years old. I have been far happier without them than with them. </my 2 cents>
Posts: 3526 | Registered: Oct 2001
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posted
I really got lucky on the family lottery. My parents are great. Sorry to be the freak. Mine are the ones that WOULD have gotten a license to have children if there were such a requirement.
BTW, I think there should. There are definately people that should not be conceiving children. Just because you can, doesn't mean you should. We should be holding "would be parents" up to the same scrutiny that people seeking to adopt children are put under. As it is now as long as your able to comprehend round peg, round hole, you can pop out a kid into a miserable existance.
No offense to the author of this thread, as you've seem to come through life with a pretty good head on your shoulder. (I mean, you're on Hatrack) But the fact of the matter is you're bound to pass on some of your dysfunctions to your children, whether it manifests as distrust for authority or too many boundries remains to be seen. I know you'll do better by your children than what was done to you, and that in the end, is all a good parent can do. God bless the reproducers!
But you are dealing with one heck of a resentment against your mother. Whether or not it is justified is not what I want to debate with you. But the fact that you let it effect your life today, even after taking what you felt to be the best actions, is what you should be concerned with. Perhaps you may want to explore this with a therapist, you may actually discover some things about yourself. </Dr Phil>
Posts: 70 | Registered: Jun 2004
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posted
I had about 8 years w/o any contact with my mother except that I couldn't avoid her at occasional family get-togethers. There, I had a up a "wall of nice" to keep her out with shallow pleasantries.
Now, I don't have a formal rule, but I still do almost nothing with her, and I don't talk to her by phone. During this time, I forgave her (and boy was that ever not easy). I did have a meeting with her to do that.
Posts: 1877 | Registered: Apr 2005
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I can't imagine feeling this way about either my mother or my father; or grandparents. I suppose I am more blessed than I realize. Either that, or I refuse to allow the bad times of my childhood to color the person I am now and affect the "me" I have chosen to make of myself.
I am so sorry your relationship with your mother is so bad, Exploding Monkey. I hope you are able to someday get past the bitterness and resentment. You have the right to chose who you want in your life, so if you don't want your mother as part of your life, that is your choice. But I agree with the others that sending the letter serves no purpose except to fuel your resentment and wish for revenge by hurting her in return.
posted
I'm another one who's disowned her parents. I had to - it was the only way I could progress into something resembling emotional health. My parents are evil and have no redeeming qualities. It's not even worth the effort to try to get along with them.
Having said that, I have forgiven them for what they did (at least, for what I remember - I can't do anything about what I don't remember until or if I do), but to me, forgiving is about my healing and about me letting go of the hate and bitterness. It has nothing at all to do with making them feel at all better. And no, I didn't bother telling them - they wouldn't understand. They would think it meant they could stomp all over me again. That ain't gonna happen.
I also agree with others - don't send the letter. It won't accomplish anything.
posted
My grandfathers are dead, and I only met my grandmother for 2 weeks. The other one I am very close to.
My pateral grandfather and my father stopped talking to each other back in 87, 7 years before my grandfther's death. I don't know if good old Gramps Howard knew of my existence.
Posts: 358 | Registered: May 2005
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posted
Exploding...it's good that you recognize that you are becoming closed, etc., etc. And, more importantly, that it's you doing it.
Being raised by someone truly horrible means, in part, that you probably picked up a few of her lessons on child rearing along the way. The best way to keep from exhibiting the same or similar is to be conscious of it, and to be very deliberate in how you act with your own children (and your spouse).
As for the baggage you have relating to your mother. Find a way to let it go. She's out of your life. Keep her out. At least for a good long while. And move on. You've got children to raise and if you are bitter and angry, you'll be less than you could be to them.
Sometimes all it takes is a word or thought. Find that, and you'll be happier. Let go of the idea that you can have a relationship with your mother, if that's what it takes.
It is indeed sad (severing ties with close family), but being angry and bitter all the time is worse.
Posts: 22497 | Registered: Sep 2000
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quote: I no longer love the woman and have no use for a relationship with her.
She really must have hurt you Exploding Monkey. I'm sorry.
quote: My wife and I sometimes get upset over how things turned out, but we remind ourselves that we are building the foundations of a new family for our children to enjoy.
Yes, focus on the future!
Posts: 3771 | Registered: Sep 2002
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posted
Letting go of anger and bitterness and hurt is always the best move. Forgiveness heals you, it truly does. You have total control over how much contact you want to have with your family.
Posts: 6246 | Registered: Aug 2004
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