posted
What do you guys think? Will my teacher like it?
quote: Finding my place in this world is a challenging task. There many things that influence my preferences and tastes. I try to keep myself involved with the world which is why I enjoy reading and finding out what is going out in my planet and in my community. Because of all this that I am exposing myself to, I have developed a keen sense of what I like and what I don’t and I use it to the fullest extent. If there is something I do not agree with, I express it because if I do not, then who will speak for me? I cannot expect anyone but me to stand for what I believe in; I’d be putting someone else in charge of me. The one thing that I really like is art, of all sorts. I like the way that a person can interpret a common idea and make it unique. Being unique is one of the things that make us human; we are original in everything we do. I like the colors an oil masterpiece has; I like the curves a marble statue has been endowed with, the flow beauty of the words of poem, the hidden points of view a camera can reveal, or the delicate tastes and textures a chef can reveal in food. All these things are inspiring to me; it makes me wonder where all this creativity comes from and where it is capable of taking us as a species. There is another thing that I really like: cats. I enjoy watching them play with something as simple as a ball of yarn or their own reflection. It is very amusing to watch cats show their easy-going nature as they play fight amongst siblings. Besides, all that cute fur pretending it can put up a good fight is just too beautiful a sight. I love cats not only because of their nature; I also adore their shiny thick coats. There is nothing uglier than a cat with a horrid coat. There are some cats, like the Sphinx breed, that have no fur at all. I’d never touch that thing as long as I lived. The experience would be just too disturbing for me. I enjoy technology a lot. There is always something new that makes me want to shout with joy over all the new features it has and all that I will be able to create and do using the new gadget. I recently acquired a new laptop PC and I am having oodles of fun with it. I can finally burn CD’s and I was finally able to install Photo Shop so that I can make as many web graphics as I can possible do. The advantage of liking technology so much is that you usually stay in contact with the world more than a person who rarely uses technology; hence, you are usually more aware of the world around you and you tend to evolve with it. There are many more things I like that for one reason or another, I didn’t mention. This however, doesn’t mean I like them any less. I also enjoy playing video games, drawing, riding bicycles, and spending time with my family. My favorite author is Orson Scott Card, and I usually post at the forum of his official website, http://www.hatrack.com. Overall, I feel my tastes are varied and unique to anyone else’s; this is what makes me a unique person.
posted
If the theme is finding your place in the world, you've made a good start by showing your uniqueness. I'd say add in your vision of your future and what you are doing to claim your place in the world.
Posts: 5957 | Registered: Oct 2001
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posted
My first college essay was pretty horrible and the professor made it even worse since she insisted on grading the paper IN FRONT OF US! We had to make an appointment and sit in her office while she read and graded. Needless to say that when she read mine she frowned a lot and may as well have broken her red pen in half and just smeared the ink all over it. When she finished reading, she took off her glasses and looked at me and asked, "how did you get into my class?" I told her that I took the placement exam and they put me in composition. I explained that my high school teacher wanted us to write papers using the 5-part essay format. My professor told me to forget what I was taught in high school and to write the paper again. She gave me a B.
Posts: 514 | Registered: May 2005
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posted
Ouch Johnsonweed, that's kinda rough. My AP English teacher in high school spent my entire senior year unteaching the 5 paragraph essay to us. He said it was stupid and he never understood why teachers in earlier grades forced students to learn it, as it only screws them up later.
So I got the jump on essays going into college. I do like that the 5 paragraph essays teach you to make your opening and closing paragraphs succinct and summary, but the actual body of the paper is far too constricted for my tastes. And the 5 paragraph paper is usually far too short for a real college paper.
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posted
This is the kind of thing American high schools are teaching? Ye gods, no wonder two-thirds of the grad students in the physics department are foreigners. The upper two-thirds, at that.
Posts: 10645 | Registered: Jul 2004
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posted
Altariel, speaking as a college prof who sometimes has to grade papers like this: I found no punctuation or grammar errors (casual inspection), and for that reason alone, I think your prof will love it!
Posts: 1877 | Registered: Apr 2005
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posted
she said she doesn't care about grammar of spelling as long as the content is good. the theme was three things I like.
Posts: 3389 | Registered: Apr 2004
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quote:Originally posted by King of Men: This is the kind of thing American high schools are teaching? Ye gods, no wonder two-thirds of the grad students in the physics department are foreigners. The upper two-thirds, at that.
Whether or not there is merit in your opinion, KoM, this is the type of post that endears you to us all. I would suggest that you provide insightful input if you wish to improve future essays or STHU. If you don't have constructive advice and only wish to denigrate you are just as worthless as you seem to think our educators are.
Posts: 2022 | Registered: Mar 2004
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posted
I think there are some wonderful things about this essay. Besides the lack of grammatical errors, there is some beautiful imagery when you describe art.
I would say look at your transitions, and work on those. Try to avoid too much repetition, I know it's hard in an essay about things you like, but look at how many times the phrases "I like" and "I really like" appear. Try mixing it up a bit with more vivid descriptive words and work on punching up the active voice a bit.
Example:
quote: I enjoy watching them play with something as simple as a ball of yarn or their own reflection.
Possible re-work:
quote:A cat leaping into the air at its own reflection, or romping across the room after a ball of yarn is a delight to behold.
Think of your prof - they are reading dozens if not hundreds of essays on the same topics. If you can punch things up with some good descriptive writing, you'll make his/her day. And standing out in the crowd with a good essay is a definite first impression you'd like to make.
Above all else, enjoy what you're writing if at all possible. Find a way to make the topic work for you and have fun with it - your enjoyment will come through.
Now I need to take some of my own advice and try really, really hard to enjoy writing my analytical paper on Dr. Faustus for English Lit. Posts: 14428 | Registered: Aug 2001
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quote:Originally posted by punwit: Whether or not there is merit in your opinion, KoM, this is the type of post that endears you to us all. I would suggest that you provide insightful input if you wish to improve future essays or STHU. If you don't have constructive advice and only wish to denigrate you are just as worthless as you seem to think our educators are.
In view of the very, um, diplomatic tone of the other posts, I did not feel that tact was particularly called for. Somebody about to enter college should not need their self-esteem built up in this manner. Instead, a wake-up call is required.
However, it is true that I might have been a bit more specific. Now, I have to admit, the subject of the essay is not Altáriël's fault. Perhaps such classes are even unavoidable in the American undergraduate system, with its emphasis on breadth.
Nonetheless, having been assigned such a topic, there is really no need to write ploddingly and in platitudes. Take the opening sentence, "Finding my place in this world is a challenging task." Gosh a'mighty, who woulda thunk it? Pretentious, moi? And then going on with "There many things that influence my preferences and tastes." Do tell! And incidentally, comrade Will's 'casual inspection' notwithstanding, there seems to be an 'are' missing from the sentence. Moreover, it is mealy-mouthed and overly long. Brevity is the soul of wit; how about "Many things influence my tastes."? Five words gone in one fell swoop, and not a bit of meaning lost.
I mentioned plodding; let me pick out a place more-or-less at random : "Besides, all that cute fur pretending it can put up a good fight is just too beautiful a sight. I love cats not only because of their nature; I also adore their shiny thick coats. There is nothing uglier than a cat with a horrid coat." Thumpety-thumpety-thump, I smell a student who is padding because she has nothing to say. Which admittedly is fair enough in view of the topic assigned, so I suppose my criticism here is not strictly directed at Altáriël.
Again choosing at random : "I can finally burn CD’s and I was finally able to install Photo Shop so that I can make as many web graphics as I can possible do." That's a possibly, not possible. Really, this kind of thing should be second nature after four years of high school. Doesn't anyone read, anymore? There is no better way to learn real grammar. Also, two 'finally's in one sentence? Ploddety-plod. Further, Photoshop is one word. Minor nitpicks aside, though, the whole sentence grates. It's boring. Reading it is fitting punishment for a teacher who would assign such a topic, though she is no doubt going to let some hapless grad student do the grading. How about "A recent fancy is Photoshop; web graphics galore! My best project is <insert whatever your best work is, and why you started it, or why you are pleased with it.> "
"I like the colors an oil masterpiece has; I like the curves a marble statue has been endowed with, the flow beauty of the words of poem, the hidden points of view a camera can reveal, or the delicate tastes and textures a chef can reveal in food. All these things are inspiring to me; it makes me wonder where all this creativity comes from and where it is capable of taking us as a species."
OK, this is actually pretty good. You missed an 'ing' in 'flow beauty of the words', but that's a nitpick. Why didn't you write like this for the rest of the essay?
My main issue with the essay, though, does not lie in any particular sentence, but in the gestalt : It is just incredibly boring. It rambles - it is all of five paragraphs long, and still manages to ramble! It is platitudinous. It feels padded. Reading it is a distinct effort; I find my attention wandering, which is entirely out of character. But then, I don't usually read undergraduate essays, so perhaps I'm spoiled.
It is entirely possible you will get an A for this; it does show the occasional flash of competence. Please be aware, that does not make it good.
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posted
He will most likely get an 'A' for it since the majority of composition instructors allow students to re-write their paper until it represents 'A' work. There are some I know that allow only a single re-write, but I have met more that allow multiple trys in the first comp class. I certainly benefitted from the practice!
Posts: 514 | Registered: May 2005
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posted
My first college essay was butchered by the teacher. I had about 5000 comma splices. Thank God I learned how to actually write a paper sometime in the first year. Even if you fail the first college paper you will be forced to learn how to right decently, dont get too distressed if she does not like this first essay. As I said my first college essay was horrible, I think I got a D- because she liked my topic. Now I consistently write papers at the A level, you will do fine.
Posts: 473 | Registered: Sep 2001
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posted
The annoying thing is there's no system of writing a paper. Well, there is a structure, but you can get lost in it. When to put an opening quote? When to do XYZ? Is the work substantial enough or not?
And what in God's name did the people who invented the 5-paragraph-essay think? There is no such thing as a fixed amount of paragraphs per essay!
Posts: 358 | Registered: May 2005
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posted
Actually I think the 5-part essay was a Harvard creation. In case you didn't know, you college general education format is a Harvard legacy as well. The Harvard Red Book (fortunately or unfortunately) is one of the most influential documents in education.
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posted
The Baconian essay, better known as the 5-paragraph essay (although 4-6 paragraphs is acceptable), should absolutely be taught in every high school writing class. It is invaluable to students because it sharpens their writing skills, provides them with the ability to write an essay quickly and effectively, and provides a foundation for more complicated writing.
Appallingly, many high school and college students lack the basic skill of being able to write a coherent paragraph, let alone effectively transition between those paragraphs. The Baconian Essay provides students with the method to practice these skills. The arbitrary and strict structure requires that each paragraph be focused on one support, or proof, of the thesis. Even the paragraph itself is structured, beginning with the topic sentence, moving into an explanation, and followed up with evidence. Unfortunately, when it comes to transitions, many teachers make the mistake of giving their students a list of transition words, forgetting that transitions come naturally when students have determined reasons for the specific order of their paragraphs. When ideas relate in precise ways, transition sentences become easy to write and much more complex than the all-too-simplistic “Firstly, Secondly, Thirdly” methods. Also, when taught properly, the Baconian essay teaches students to create attention-grabbing introductions and tantalizing conclusions.
When students practice these skills repeatedly, they develop the absolutely essential ability to write short essays quickly. The essay test is a staple in many college classes, and in order to be successful, college students need to be able to write persuasive and coherent essays quickly in high-pressure situations. It is true that the rigid structure limits creativity, but in an essay test situation, most professors are interested in their students demonstrating comprehension of the material and the ability to apply their knowledge in new ways. The Baconian essay demonstrates these things easily and effectively.
The Baconian essay itself can be applied to more advanced writing further along in a student’s writing career. The skills of organizing an argument, writing coherent well-supported paragraphs, and effective transitions are equally as valuable whether one is writing just a few pages or an entire book. Rather than instructing students to forget the Baconian essay, college professors should build on the foundation it has so carefully laid, showing students how to use what they have learned and to shape it into college-level writing.
It would be truly sad if students never learned to write more difficult pieces and continued to rely solely on the Baconian essay. That is not, though, the intention of learning this method of writing. Just like students must learn their ABC’s before learning to spell, students must learn how to write the basic, simple essay before learning to write with the freer, more complicated, forms.
Posts: 2880 | Registered: Jun 2004
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posted
Y'know what, I agree completely with the KoM's criticisms.
Maybe they could have been phrased more politely, but hey.
Altáriël, I would take that post seriously. If you do want to improve your essay writing then I think there are some very valid criticisms in there, and I think most are constructive.
You do have some great turns of phrase in that piece. The trick is now to utilise that so *all* your work is at that standard.
I have no doubt you can do it, and sometimes a more critical appraisal of your work provides the necessary springing ground to do so.
Good luck with college. Posts: 4393 | Registered: Aug 2003
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posted
Thx for all this guys. I really appreciate it. I got my paper back tommorrow with absolutely NO negative comments on it! Everything the teacher wrote was positive and filled with complimets. She even asked for a copy of it, and gave me an A. Though of course I will not let this get to my head.
Posts: 3389 | Registered: Apr 2004
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posted
I actually have a big problem with that sort of teacher.
I have never seen a paper I couldn't make at least a few fairly significant critiques of, published or not. There is no perfect paper, and one doesn't learn anything, particularly as one starting college, from teachers who refuse to give effective criticism.
Posts: 15770 | Registered: Dec 2001
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posted
mmmmmmmmmmmmm snickerdoodles............ if i weren't going to be out of town this weekend, i'd bake some and share with you (since obviously we're relatively close by each other)
Posts: 4515 | Registered: Jul 2004
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posted
No, I don't think I'd use it very much if I had one. Don't wanna screw up my past, present or future you know. I don't want to end up not existing at all like in Past Watch.
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This may be heresy to many, but I think chocolate is overrated. Give me cinnamon as an alternative to my all time favorite snack...Flaming Hot Cheetos!!!
Posts: 514 | Registered: May 2005
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posted
I'm with fugu - I wouldn't put a lot of stock in actually learning anything from this instructor.
She doesn't seem interested in helping people improve their writing, if she won't make any negative comments at all. Like I noted in my post, I saw plenty of negatives in that essay, (I just tried to be more diplomatic than KoM) and I can assure you there will be professors you run into later that would most definitely not give you an A for that effort.
This is not meant to insult you, just to prepare you. A happy-go-lucky instructor who gives you nothing but positive remarks is actually a dangerous thing sometimes. Reminds me of American Idol hopefuls who really, really thought they could sing because everyone they asked told them "Yeah, you're great!" because they were afraid to hurt their feelings. Then, Simon rips them apart, and they're devastated because it's the first time they've heard the truth.
You said you didn't plan to let it go to your head - I hope you take it one step further. Find someone who really can critique your essays and get some real feedback if your instructor won't do it. It will be of huge benefit to you later. Regardless of your major, you're going to need to be able to write a coherent, tight essay to succeed in college. For example, my history class requires more papers than my English Lit class does.
Posts: 14428 | Registered: Aug 2001
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posted
I know what parts you mean, although I think that she wasn't too hard on me because she gve us very easy-going instructions and just one day to write the essay. According to the handouts she has given us, the essay was just to get our ideas down for a more complex project that will be the major thing for this semester. She said taht she didn't care about grammar, punctuation or anything else in the essay, she only cared about the ideas written down in it. Later on she would pay more attention to all those things, but when she was grading more important assignments.
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