posted
I know I'm relatively new to this forum, but I would definitely appreciate some feedback from you all about a problem I'm having in my personal life right now. From reading previous threads, I'm quite enthralled with the "common sensical" knowledge that many here display.
Here the problem (with a little background included):
I'm a 21 year old student, who has (quite honestly) never gotten along with my mother. Many family members and close friends have chalked it up to being too similiar, but I'm really not into believing that. I'm the first to admit that I was not the perfect child. I caused quite a bit of trouble in my teenage years, to the point that my mother pressed charges on me for being and "unruly child". That situation at the time, and even now, seemed to get out of hand with my mother trying to prove her point. I moved out of her house on the day of my 18th birthday. We've had little communication since.
Since then, I've done quite well for myself. I live on my own in an apartment, drive a car that was brand new when I drove it off the lot, and have managed to put myself through school with little to no help, and very minimal debt. I just received my Bachelors degree in Nursing, and am currently persuing my Masters in hopes of someday becoming a Nurse Practitioner.
My mother always told me that I would be a failure. When I moved out of her house, she had the audacity to tell my grandmother that she would put money on the fact that I would be crawling back and asking for forgiveness in less than a year. She never wanted to associate "her" family with me (and since we have different last names, that was quite easy for her to do).
Now that I have a degree, and am continuing my education, my mother wants back into my life. She has gotten the word to me that she would like to throw me a party to celebrate my recent graduation. She has no other reasons to do this other than the fact that I'm no longer the failure she has told everyone that I am.
To me, this seems that while I had nothing tangible to show for myself, she was ashamed to call me her daughter. Now that I've accomplished something, she wants the power to gloat this in front of others. I must say that I would like to have the celebration just for the fact that... I HAVE accomplished something, and well, that's a reason to celebrate.
I know that this may seem a minor matter, but to me, I'm torn on what to do. Any advice?
Posts: 11 | Registered: May 2005
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posted
First of all, congradulations on your graduation!
Second, you only have one mother and not getting along with her during your teenage years is no reason to exclude her from your life now. This sounds like a wonderful time to mend your relationship with her. It sounds like your mom is proud of you and wants to show it.
posted
I didn't talk to my mom for about a year after I moved out. Then I forgave her, and now she's pretty involved in my life.
Does it change that she did some awful stuff to me as a kid/teenager? No.
Is she still my mother? Yes.
Don't do anything that fosters more anger in your heart. If you want to go, go, but be prepared for it to go badly, since you haven't spoken to her in years. If you'd rather not go, don't do it, especially since she hasn't called you directly (has she?)
I don't really expect to ever get an apology from my mother, and you probably shouldn't either. That's one of those things you have to let go of if you're going to have any relationship at all.
Posts: 21182 | Registered: Sep 2004
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posted
This is the same woman that told me I would never make it through my first two years of nursing school. The same woman who told me I'd be pregnant before I hit twenty, and living off the welfare system for the rest of my life. She has never supported me in what I've done in my life, and I have a very hard time believing that this party she wants to throw for me is being planned with good intentions.
Posts: 11 | Registered: May 2005
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posted
Don't take this as condescension, but it's easy to forget, at 18, at 21, even at 30, that parents are people too. They're not necessarily the infallible people that we think we need them to be. Some people aren't the best parents, their own problems overwhelm them, they fall prey to the pettier emotions that plague all of us. Some parents can't help resenting their children and it poisons their relationship.
Perhaps you mother genuinely wants to be in contact, perhaps she regrets her previous behaviour, perhaps the space you've achieved since moving out has allowed her to see things in a different light...
People have an astounding capacity to surprise. I spent the better part of 2000-2001 in a state of severe depression. In 2002 I told the friend that had been my flatmate during my depression that I felt that he'd done little to help me, that I felt that in my own life I was the bit-player to his lead. He took it well, but oddly. I found out earlier this year from another source that during 2000-2001 he was seeing a psychiatrist for depression. I had no idea, just assumed he was being selfish. It was a revelation that rocked me to the core, my view of myself and my view of that time underwent a fundamental change. And this is a guy who's been my best mate since primary school.
So... we can't always presume we know exactly what's going on, no matter what someone says or does. Time and distance change people and allow perspective.
If it were me, I'd be cautious. I'd want to meet with her a few times before letting her throw me a party. I'd try not to be defensive or accusatory or even put conditions on the relationship. But I'd at least try to be open to the idea that she might have good intentions.
Having said that, I don't envy you, it's not an easy decision.
Posts: 2245 | Registered: Nov 1998
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posted
Troubadour makes a good point; I know my mother's issues mainly stem from issues that date back to her childhood, I was able to see that when I got a little space from her. But it's hard to stop thinking of your own parents as "parents" and more as "people", even as an adult when you do that more and more with other people's parents. And it's not really a fun thing; you have to give up the good as well as the bad parts of them being parents, and let it all transform into something else. I'm not saying you lose the parent-child relationship; I know my dad would still seriously injure anyone who harmed me, and that still comforts me. But now, he would let my husband have first crack at someone who hurt me, and more importantly, would let me be the one to decide whether to go somewhere where I might get hurt. The relationship has to mature, you have to give each other more space as people, before you are able to make any meaningful progress together. And I hope that's a process that continues; I know having a kid has really sped it up for me.
Posts: 21182 | Registered: Sep 2004
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posted
From what you've written, it's tough to judge whether she is actually offering congratulations and/or apologies or just wants to show off your successes.
If it were me, I think I'd politely decline a graduation party, but keep communications open. Try to steadlily improve your relationship for the next couple of months. Before you know it, you could be have an awkward semi-enjoyable holiday meal. Thanksgiving's coming faster than you think.
Posts: 349 | Registered: Feb 2004
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posted
I can't say whether you should go to the party or not, but I do believe in the long run you would regret cutting off relations. I cut off relations with my mother twice in my adult life, partly because she was very hard to deal withand partly in the hope it would "wake her up". When my great aunt died I was the one who woke up and resumes relations. We had three years as a part of each other's live's before she died, and no, she never got better, or apologised for anything she did, or was any easier to deal with but I felt right about it.
Posts: 2711 | Registered: Mar 2004
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I have a mother who said similar things to what your mother said. My mother would take all the credit for anything good or worthwhile I ever did, and gave me all the blame for everything bad that ever happened. . . To the entire family. Everything bad was always my fault, everything good was always to her credit. I tell you this for two reasons. 1. I can sympathize with what you're going through. 2. I'm biased.
From what you describe, I have strong doubts that your mother actually has your interests in mind. I would also be skeptical of her motives. A graduation party from her, given that this would be your first contact from her in a long time, could be anything - it could be good, it could be hell. It could be a huge guilt trip. It could be emotional manipulation. You have no idea.
I'd be inclined to decline the graduation party, but, if you felt up to it, you could open the lines of communication a bit and see what happens. I wouldn't let her walk all over you either, of course. Keep control of the situation as much as you can, don't get emotionally invested in the outcome just yet. Take a wait and see approach.
As for my parents, I disowned them, cutting off all communication with them about a decade ago (insofar as I could - my mother still chose to stalk me, leave me terrible abusive and threatening phone messages, sent me unwanted letters and parcels, and tried to manipulate me through so many other people). It was the best thing I'd ever done. Sometimes, it's necessary. Hopefully, for you, it won't be.
quote: She has no other reasons to do this other than the fact that I'm no longer the failure she has told everyone that I am.
Surely that's not the ONLY reason, even if it could be A twisted reason she has to do it.
Seems to me she's reaching out, trying to reestablish a connection to you. I would accept the invitation after some meetings or calls before hand setting some groundrules that you are comfortable with for a new relationship.
At the least, if you decide you don't want that party, try to decline graciously and give her the benefit of the doubt about her motivations for offering to throw a party for you. It's a positive gesture on her part.
Congratulations on your sucess and good luck dealing with this, pink.
And welcome to Hatrack.
Posts: 6316 | Registered: Jun 2003
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Are you ready to have your mother in your life? By that, I mean, can you handle the relationship in a mature and loving manner? If you can, then nothing she could possibly say or do will hurt the way it did when you were a child. That's not to say that those we love can't hurt us, but the relationship changes when you have your own successes and experiences to draw on.
In short. This isn't about your mother, it's about you. Even if she is mentally or emotionally incapable of having respect for you, and this is all some sort of manipulative game she's playing, the effect of it on you is up to you.
I personally can understand NOT being ready. If you aren't ready to let go of the hurt feelings from your teen years, then you may not want to try to build a new and better relationship with mom. But if you are, perhaps she'll surprise you. My mother, now that I'm 46, seems a vastly different person than when I was 16 and she was wholly responsible for me. I suspect part of the reason I like her so much now is because I've changed, but sometimes introspection is a waste of valuable time that could be spent living and enjoying the change, regardless of why it's there.
Another thing to consider, if you can do it, is that often it's best to just take people at their word and see if they don't just live up to it. If mom says she wants a relationship with you, then insist on it. See what happens.
Worst case is you find out you should be away from her for another while. And that's no different from what you have going on right now.
Be strong. Be loving. It's also okay to be a bit wary, and to go slowly.
posted
You know, maybe you should talk to your mom about how you feel. Things like, "Mom, I felt all during my childhood that you thought I'd be a failure. I felt like you did such and such, and you said X-Y-Z. Now that I'm an adult, and half the terrible things you said would happen to me haven't happened, I feel like you want to start our relationship back up."
You might also want to consider the idea that you have changed since your teenage years. You may have been a pain in the tuckus, and she was trying to warn you against harmful behavior. You may have misinterpreted, or misremembered her words. In all likelihood SHE probably doesn't think she was awful to you, and you need to be prepared for the discrepancies in interpretation of the past.
Posts: 14554 | Registered: Dec 1999
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posted
pink, first you are to be congratulated on your accomplishments, I wish you luck in graduate school.
Secondly, I can tell you, that not having a mother or father makes a huge impact. I think it was on one of mack's threads that someone (kat maybe?) said it leaves a mother-sized hole in your life that you can't fill with anything else.
When I was your age I wanted nothing to do with my biological father. Why would I want to even talk to a person that had left me and my mom and my brother and never tried to be part of my life, in all those years?
But I still carried around that father-sized hole, and it affected me, much more than I'd admit. When we made contact and started to have a relationship, I didn't think I would be ready, but it's turned out to be one of the most wonderful things that could have ever happened to me.
Granted, our situations are different. You know you have a mother, you just aren't happy with the way she's treated you. And from what you've told us, I wouldn't be happy either. I'm just trying to weigh the effects of not going to the party. What does it accomplish, besides getting in a dig at your mom? On the other hand, going, and enjoying yourself and accepting the congratulations that you definitely deserve, shows you to be the mature, responsible person you know you are.
Sometimes our parents act more like children than we do. This is an opportunity for you to be the adult.
Posts: 14428 | Registered: Aug 2001
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posted
pink, it is wonderful that you managed to do this on your own. I had a hard time with my parents for the opposite reason... I always wanted to do this the hard way, and it took them years to learn to let me try it. I have found that while I may have missed out on a lot of things doing it my way, I have a lot of pride in what I have done precisely because I did it on my own.
And I wouldn't change it for anything, with all of it's pains included, because it is the reason I am who I am today, and over all I feel I am a better person for it.
As far as you mom goes, you yourself admitted that you were trouble when you were younger. I don't know the specifics, and nothing excuse those words to you, but you were part of the problem back then. You have changed, right?
Perhaps she did as well.
I don't know if she is just trying to show you off, or if this party is a way of saying she was wrong and she is proud of you. No one can know that except her...so perhaps you should ask her. Not in so many words, but just call and talk to her a little bit. Keep the first calls short and sweet, and go from there.
I am sure that your mom was scared, and disappointed, and felt like she had failed you in some way, so she took all of that out on you. But parents make mistakes too.
I would say give it a try, but be clear why you are unsure of her.
Good luck, either way. Perhaps you will learn a little more about WHY she was that way, and learn a little bit more about yourself in the process. Posts: 15082 | Registered: Jul 2001
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posted
pink, you should probably listen to everyone else, but keep this in the back of your mind. You alluded to it, but to put it more bluntly, it is possible that your mother wants to have this party, not only to lord your accomplishments over her friends, but also to prove that a) she was right, and her tough love worked because look at what you've accomplished and b) she is a good mother because she used tough love and you had to learn to take care of yourself and be responsible.
But mainly, be prepared for her to justify her actions by saying that she was using tough love and she was right and she's a good mother and you were a brat that she tamed.
But, I'm rather cynical, so all these other people are probably right and like I said, you should listen to them. Just keep your guard up so she doesn't sucker punch you.
Posts: 9871 | Registered: Aug 2001
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posted
I think I favor what Zamphyr said. Tell her the party is not a good way to rebuild old ties but that you'd love to get together with her (just her) to start the process. Tell her that feelings on both sides are probably raw and best examined outside the social pressures of a party.
Who knows, maybe she'll throw a party for your Master's graduation and you'll be thrilled at the idea. On the other side, if your mother insists on the party or nothing, you'll have a pretty good idea that she's not ready to try to rebuild.
Forgiving past hurt is hard. I'm fairly bad at it myself. But it can be a very rewarding experience.
Good luck, and congratulations on doing a lot of hard work to prepare for your future.
Dagonee
BTW, there's a lot of very wise thoughts in this thread on why reconciliation is actually possible.
Posts: 26071 | Registered: Oct 2003
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posted
Congrats on all your accomplishments to date, Pink! I'm sure you'll do very well in grad school as well.
As for your mother, I'm going to agree with Zamphyr. Too much possibility for something to get out of hand if you don't already have at least a cordial relationship going with Mom. Focus on getting to know each other again - if you feel up to letting her back in your life at this point - and let the party idea fall to the wayside.
Whatever you decide, I hope it all works out.
Posts: 4515 | Registered: Jul 2004
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posted
I think Kayla made a good point about the tough love. I was thinking that maybe in some way she was telling you you wouldn't succeed in some misguided attempt to make you prove her wrong. Reverse psychology, maybe? I'm not saying it's okay, at all. And not the best idea--look at all the pain it caused, after all.
People can change...and maybe that's what has happened with your mother.
I'd suggest getting together with her for small bits of time... maybe coffee or lunch to get started. See how things go. Then later, if she still wants to throw a party and you're both comfortable with that--go for it. But the relationship needs to be built first. It sounds to me like your mother doesn't know how to rebuild the relationship, so she's suggesting a party as a gesture to show you that she cares. It sounds like it's her way of trying--but she's not very good at it. You'll have to help.
posted
Congratz on the degree. Remind me to add you to our list of Hatrack Medical Savants.
A troubling relationship with ones mother can run the spectrum from, "She never really cared about me the way I thinks she should have" to life ending physical abuse. As such I am reluctant to give a lot of advice, still, from what you have said here is my suggestion.
Let her give you the party.
But don't go to the party with preconcieved ideas. Don't go there knowing she is going to do more terrible things to you and don't go there thinking you have to fall into the same roles you've had your entire life. Go open minded and see how she behaves. Give her the benefit of the doubt, but don't be afraid to leave early or to block her from entering further into your life if you do not like the way she behaves.
Posts: 11895 | Registered: Apr 2002
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posted
Is it possible that now that you're successful, your mother might want to re-establish contact in order to borrow money or get something else from you? (Your mother appears to share some qualities with mine.)
Posts: 1512 | Registered: A Long Time Ago!
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posted
Thank you all SO much for your insight. I talked with some other family members this morning that I'm still very close to, and shared what some of you had to say. My aunt, my grandmother nad I have come to the conslusion that THEY will throw the party forme, andmy mother will be invited.
We will plan that party, and accept no monetary contributions from her. This still leaves the room for us to re-establish a connection, if that's her true intention.
Once again, thank you all so much!
Posts: 11 | Registered: May 2005
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posted
Please realize that having used the Hatrack Advice service, you are now required to respond in every "Hatrack Medicos" thread you see.
Posts: 6213 | Registered: May 2001
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posted
Definitely liking that solution, Pink. Glad you were able to come up with something that works!
Posts: 4515 | Registered: Jul 2004
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