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About the short story i'm writing. It is by no means finished and i'mhoping the comments i get here will help me decide how i should finish it. It features many things from the MMORPG(Massively multiplayer online roleplaying game) Star Wars Galaxies: An Empire Devided for the PC, so some things may not make much sense, though an avid Star Wars Geekshould be familiar with most of the creatures/ships/species in the story. All characters in the story are friends of mine ingame. Note Krayt Dragons are giant lizard-like creaturs(they do not fly nor do they have wings) that injest stones to help their dijestive process. After several hundred years of wear and tear in the dragon'ss stomch the stones are wron into a parl that are very valuable. These pearls are also usable by jedi, after they are tuned using the force, for use in lightsabers as a focusing crystal to for the blase. And yes the title is a pun on the real movie Well enough background here's the story:
The Black Krayt Pearl: Chapter 1(not really sure if you can call the different sections chapters but :shrug: oh well)
"Lieutenant Shadow, systems check," barked Captain Goldenstar from his command chair aboard his Decimator, the Black Krayt Pearl.
"Reactor online and functioning normaly, engines online and functioning normaly, weapons and capictitor online and functioning normaly......All systems online and functioning normaly, Sir," replied First Mate Lieutenant Jarrec Sahdow.
"Good, good," stated the Captain. He looked as if his thoughts were elswhere he began strumming his fingers on the armrest of his chair whilst absentmindedly running his fingers through his short dirty blonde hair. He mumbled to himself with a certain strange glimmer in his eyes, "Avast mateys, yo ho, yo ho, a pirates life for me."
"What was that, captain?" queried Lieutenant Shadow.
"Nothing,nothing," responded Goldenstar, "You there scum," he barked waving his hand nonchalantly at the group of three eager young pilots standing nearby, awaiting their orders.
"Us, sir?" asked one of the young pilots, Idam Flylighter, speaking for himself and the other two pilots, Oaceen Tunaisea and Chii.
"Yes you, scum, do you see anyone else standing about doing nothing?Two of you man the turrets and the other get down below, power up my reapir droid, Oversoul, and wait in the engine bay until repairs are needed." Golden swiveled his chair back around, the three pilots ran off ready to get to work when Golden remembered something.
"Hey you, owsee-something or other," with his back facing away from Oaceen, who had been stuck with the job of mechanic, waving his hand to show he really did not care if he pronounced the pilots name correctly," If and when you do catch on fire please try not to complain, it's damn near impossible for me to concentrate with all that screaming."
Oaceen nodded nervousley and mannaged to stutter, "Y-yes, sir."
"Lieutenant," barked Goldenstar, "Plot a course for the Corellia system, if have........a meeting... with several merchants."
"Yes, Captain."
Whislt the hyperdrive computer plotted their course Goldenstar pulled up a special location program he hadwritten himself on his perosonal computer. He plugged in the coordinates for a rather large asteroid in the Corellia system, Asteriod #93A704.
"It wont just be unsuspecting merchants we're visiting today," Captain Goldenstar thought to himself. Just then though the hyperdrive kicked in and his plotting was cut off until they reached the Corellia system
The Black Krayt Pearl: Chapter 2
Chii was disgruntled. She absolutely hated it when the Captain grouped her in with the less experienced pilots. Some of the time they were first time pilots, having never been in space before!
"Like he doesnt know i'm nearly ready to take the tests to be accepted as a Pilot Ace! I've been running these 'missions with him for months. I can do the job of operations officer as good, probably better, that showoff flyboy Shadow." She thought to herself
Then came another thought, "Why am I sticking around here, sitting in this god damn turret, when I could be out, gathering experience, doing what I want?"
As if reading her thoughts the captain's droid Oversoul piped up, "You like what the master is doing more than anything else, that is why you stay."
Chii realised she wasnt up in her turret but leaning against the wall on the lower deck. As she scrambled up the ladder to the top turret she became conviced that the droid was right. She loved the graceful way the Decimator moved trough the blankness of space towards it's targets, nothing like the acrobatics of the smaller starfighters. The way the ship moved in to bring down the merchant vessels, blaster bolts shining through vaccuum. She loved.........the piracy.
"All systems online and functioning normaly captain. Target aquired." Caleld Lieutenant Jarrec Shadow from the operations chair.
"Excellent, knock out their communications and divert power from the rear sheilds to the front. Send a message to te pilot in the lower turret to charge for a nebula blast, we'll chase the ship into the Corellia Nebula 2 at the coordinates, 374 -1246 1582 absolute. Message the pilot in the upper turret to disable only and not to destroy." Commanded Goldenstar, that feindish glint in his eyes that always came as he mapped out his plan of attack.
The target was a Nova Courier shipping a large amount of high quality asteroidal diamond from the Kessel system to Lok, presumbly to the crime lord Nym. Goldenm wanted to get in and get out fast, this diamond would make for a large payoff, but it wouldnt be good for Nym to know exactly WHO was disrupting his trade of incredibly valueable goods.
"Captain, shield power diverted, 70% of the shield generators energy to the bow, 30% to the stern. Messages send to the pilots manning the turrets, we're ready to attack." called Lieutenant Shadow
"Good, good, commence attack immediatly." Replied Golden
The battle was quick, and went according to plan. In fifteen minutes the Courier was disabled, boarded, and it's cargo taken.
As the connection between the two boats was severed the captain commanded the ship destroyed.
"I want Nym to have no reason to have a bounty on my head. And if that means destroying the prrof i was was here so be it." He explained.
Several other ships throughout system were disabled, boarded, robbed, and destroyed in the same manner that day before the captain gave an unusual oreder.
"Lieutenant Shadow plot a course for the coordinates i'm sending you. Get us there quickly but be discreet about it, I dont want the whole system knowing where we're going." Golden ordered
"Yes, sir" Jarrec was very surprised to see the coordinates were to a certain asteroid, asteroid #93A704.
"Is there a problem Lieutenant?" queried Goldenstar.
"No, sir" Shadow replied quickly
"Good, we're going to have some fun today," Declared the captain, the fiendish glow in his eyes more pronounced than ever.
The Black Krayt Pearl: Chapter 3
"Umm Sir? We h-h-have a minor p-problem." stuttered Lieutenant Shadow
"And that would be?" Golden practically spat at Shadow.
"A-a-an ISD Blockade." reported
"Damn" Golden knew immediately that there were several ways to avoid this problem, most of them involved becoming a fugitive of the Empire, and that wasn’t a priority on his list. "Pull up all the info you can about the blockade Lieutenant."
"Yes sir"
Information began pouring over Golden’s screen. The fleet was headed by ISD #748A. #748A why did that ring a bell in his mind? What was it about that particular Star Destro.....
"Willium!!!" Golden shouted exuberantly in a blast of revelation. The captain noticed Lieutenant Shadow was staring at him like he was insane. "What are you looking at scum!!!!" he bellowed.
"Comm: message private to Admiral Tucker aboard ISD #748A. Willium, I need to take you up on that favor now. I know you're getting this message, stop ignoring me.
Years earlier on a planet in the outer rim Golden and Willium, who were good friends, coincidentally ran into each other at a parts dealer. Golden was looking for a new stock capacitor for his favorite pistol since a Rodian claiming to be a weapon repairs man had vaporized the original one from the handgun. Willium had explained that he was here to meet with a representative of the Hutts to pay off a loan. Golden decided to come along, arguments always broke out with credit collectors hired by the Hutts, and were often very amusing. This one was not. Golden and Willium arrived at the cantina, where an argument broke out between the Rodian credit collector and Willium disagreed how much interest he owed. Golden found this boring, he already detested all Rodians after his weapon was damaged, and this one had an astoundingly boring monotone voice that could have put anyone in the vicinity to sleep. So to keep himself amused getting himself colossally drunk. Eventually a Chiss at a nearby table grew irritated by the shouting and hit the credit collector over the head with half full bottle of Vassarian Brandy. Willium shrugged and slipped a credit chip for the amount of money he owed plus the amount of interest he was sure he had agreed to. Willium helped Golden out of the bar but noticed a shadow following them on the way back to the hotel. Willium tried to lose him down several alleyways, and was considering just turning around and blasting the figure when he felt an excruciating pain in his right arm and dropped to the ground. Golden began yelling, “What the hell do you think your doing!” In his drunken state he pulled out a sleek new FWG5 and let loose 3 blaster bolts into the Twi’lek who had moved out of the shadows to shoot Willium. Willium muttered, “Guess Jabba expected me to not pay what he thought best,” as he staggered to his feet. Golden who was standing about 3 feet away shouted, “What?” and pass out. Willium managed to drag Golden back to his hotel and mend his wounds. Of course when Golden woke in the morning he didn’t remember a thing, but Willium was still convinced that he owed Golden a debt and told him that if he ever needed anything he’d do all he could to make sure it was done.
Twenty-five minutes passed.
“Comm: message private URGENT to Admiral Tucker aboard ISD #748A. Damnit Willium answer me, I know you’re there.”
Five minutes passed before Willium responded. “Ok Golden what is it.”
“I told you Will, I’m taking you up on your offer of a favor. Since you’re now an admiral commanding a Blockade of Imperial Star Destroyers you’re in a good place to grant it. I need to get through this blockade, no questions asked,” replied Golden.
“You’ve been using spice again haven’t you Goldie?”
“I’m not joking Will, you’ve always been a man of your word, you wouldn’t want to go back on your offer of a favor and ruin you’re reputation would you?”
Willium whistled a long slow note. “I should have known you go pull a half-assed stunt like this Golden,” Golden’s hopes lifted when he heard the familiar clicking of a keyboard, “I’m sending you your passcode now Golden, it’ll get you through no questions asked. Now get out of my hair so I can get to work making sure it’s forgotten you were ever in this system.”
The orange ‘End Transmision’ symbol appeared on the screen and was followed a long series of green numerals. Golden chuckled, “Good old Will,” he thought to himself.
“Lieutenant, resume course for our target, if anyone asks what we’re doing start broadcasting 56V290B35 on all frequencies and keep flying.” Golden laughed inwardly knowing that this method of getting through would be very convenient for him and a pain in the ass for Will.”
“Yes sir, engines online and functioning normally.”
Posts: 67 | Registered: Oct 2004
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ach chaoter is roughly 1-1.5 pages in microsoft word. Please give any and all comments you see fit, constructive critiscism is welcomed. Thanks Hatrack River!
Posts: 67 | Registered: Oct 2004
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I just skimmed it but I noticed that you seemed to be making an effort to avoid saying "said" and used all sorts of other words like barked, stated, responded, queried, piped up, called, declared, stuttered, spat, shouted, and bellowed. I might have missed some. Anyway, trying to avoid "said" that diligently is out of favor these days, I think. I could be wrong, though.
Posts: 1014 | Registered: Jul 2005
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"Said Bookisms". Yeah, it's out of favor. Goldenstar, you might want to check out the Turkey City Lexicon online - do a Google search and you'll come up with a bunch of different versions that all have the same origin.
You might also want to consider proofreading it before you ask for opinions. There are a number of punctuation errors, words not capitalized that should be, misspellings. Also, if you're going to use profanity, either you want to make sure it's necessary and/or appropriate, or your audience won't care that it's there. Many people do.
Posts: 8355 | Registered: Apr 2003
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quote:Originally posted by TL: I think the writers forums would really be a more appropriate place for this, my friend.
Thanks for the sugestion, i wasn't even aware the writer's forum existed before this. Thanks for all the sugestions, i'll definatly proofread it some more.
Posts: 67 | Registered: Oct 2004
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I'm afraid it's really, really bad, Goldenstar, even by fanfic standards. One example: you spend more time describing how the shields are allocated in the "climactic" engagement than describing the engagement itself.
Posts: 37449 | Registered: May 1999
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Ok that's fine. Just doing it for something to do, i know i'm a pretty awful wirter. Just wanted to see if everyone else thought I was as bad as i thought i was.
Posts: 67 | Registered: Oct 2004
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Although it doesn't really matter for this piece, because it is fan-fic and therefore not publishable anyway, you should understand that posting your writing on the internet like this counts as publication. Which means that if you posted an original work in this manner, you would then not be able to sell it except as a reprint. This is why in the writing forums you're only allowed to post the first 13 lines of your piece.
Please, keep this in mind for future writing you do.
Goldenstar, other than the other things already mentioned, I didn't get much of a sense of place' from this. You say where the characters are but other than the few feet where they are standing, it's like they're in a blank grey space. I don't need more than a few words, and here's the sentence to put it in.
quote:from his command chair aboard his Decimator,
He's on board a ship in a chair, but where on the ship? The bridge, a command room? a main deck? Is it a big room or a small one? empty or full of crew? Here's a start of what I would like to see:
quote:"Lieutenant Shadow, systems check," barked Captain Goldenstar from his command chair on the bridge of his Decimator, the Black Krayt Pearl.
It tells the reader, in the roughest of terms, where the character is and enables them to start building a picture and map of the environment. You may know exactly where Captain Goldenstar has his chair but you need to tell the reader. Later, you can give more details; "the bridge was buzzing with activity," "the bridge was busy, but quiet," "the bridge was filled with blinking lights" "monkeys swung from the ceiling on re-wired circuits."
You get the idea.
EDIT: I'm not sure "swang" is a word.
Posts: 8473 | Registered: Apr 2003
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quote:Thanks for all the sugestions, i'll definatly proofread it some more.
I tried and tried, but I just can't restrain myself any longer. That is about the funniest line I've ever seen. Goldenstar
Posts: 10397 | Registered: Jun 2005
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Goldenstar
