posted
Today I was talking to my sister. She's 32 and has 4 children, 3 of which have learning difficulties. Her husband is getting his masters and works the rest of the day that he's not at school. She has almost no time to herself. It's all spent on her children.
She asked me today if I still have dreams. I asked her what she meant. She gave me an example. She said that when she first got married, and even after she had a couple of children, she used to always dream about things like going back to school, learning to play an instrument, or traveling. She always knew that she would have to wait until her children where older, but she still always had those wishes.
But something happened. She doesn't dream anymore. She never thinks about getting her masters, or learning to play the violin. I asked her why and she really didn't know. It's almost as if in her mind she knows she will never be able to achieve those dreams so she's given up completely on them.
Has that happened to anyone here? Does it eventually happen when you start having children? Obviously they're worth it, but do you have to give up all your dreams? It sounds very depressing to me.
quote: Does it eventually happen when you start having children? Obviously they're worth it, but do you have to give up all your dreams?
No, not in my experience. I did stop writing stories for a while after my child was born, but I never stopped dreaming about being a writer. I still had that urge, that need to write, even though it was mostly confined to a journal. Yes, raising young children is very time-consuming for 'most anyone, but that won't last forever. When the children are gone, it can seem like there's too much time on your hands.
So please, don't be depressed. Dreams only have to be put on hold when your life becomes too full; you never have to give them up entirely. And if it's something you just "have" to do, you'll find the time. (Well, I don't mean 'you,' personally; I'm talking in general.)
Tell your sister not to give up. Those dreams will come; never let them go.
(Hope this helps; didn't mean to go on so long.)
Posts: 68 | Registered: Jul 2005
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posted
My husband and I don't have children, but we're in our late thirties, and we still dream. We're also both working towards achieving those dreams.
I don't think it's ever necessary to give up all of your dreams. Some may have to be put on hold, depending on life circumstances, but give up entirely? Nah.
When I was in university years ago, I met a woman who was in her late seventies and taking classes. When she finally earned her degree, she was 80. She didn't give up on her dream - she just achieved it a little later in life than most. So what?
Your sister sounds drained. It's difficult raising children, never mind four, never mind 3 with learning disabilities. I can understand her frustration from my limited point of view.
I really hope she can rekindle those dreams in some way. She would likely be far happier if she took some time every week to recharge her own batteries. She needs to take care of herself, too.
posted
Been there. It sucks. But you can get them back...
Part of what happens is that in your early 30's it starts hitting you that doors are closing to you. There *are* age limits to a lot of things. In my particular case there were other forces at work, too, and it took a lot of therapy and, eventually, a divorce to be able to start hoping again.
I do hope she can recover hers with less trouble.
Posts: 3846 | Registered: Apr 2004
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posted
? -- I went through the stage that your sister is going through now. It is sad -- it isn't like depression, but probably close to it.
Especially for me -- as I am a very goal-oriented type of person, and dreams and goals are what keep me going day to day. The highlight of my week last week was when I went to a oriental restaurant, and in the fortune cookie, my fortune (written in red, everyone else's was black) said simply "Your dream will come true." Somehow that simple statement, even though I don't believe in fortune cookies -- has perked up my entire week and keeps running through my head.
When my kid were small, the tasks of taking care of them and husband were so overwhelming that I did give up on dreaming. And it showed in my everyday life -- I was existing more than living.
Some things happened, my marriage fell apart, I struggled as a single parent and had no money, etc. It was easy to think the things I dreamed about as a young person would never happen to me.
I can't tell you exactly what the turning point was -- but at one point I decided I needed to dream again (I have always read motivational literature, so perhaps it was a book or video that spurred me). Even though I was in poverty and working two jobs, I enrolled myself back in college - finished my degree, got a better job, and began to dream again. It was like being reborn.
I hope your sister finds her dreams again. They are reachable. Sometimes it is harder when kids are young, but as they reach mid-teens, etc. you realize you get your own life back. And you need to plan something for it.
posted
I wrote a blog entry partially about this last night, oddly enough. It actually had to do with two characters in the novel I'm currently writing. One character dreams of gaining her mother's outward love and approval and her society's, but doesn't fit in that society. Sadly, that society goes so far as to cast her out because of her "affliction", as they see it. However, even being cast out never changes the character's dreams. Sure, she's mad, hurt, frustrated, all the feelings that go into being upset. Sometimes, she forgets her dreams. But for some reason, her actions still drive her toward her dreams. The other character has a dream he's had since he was a child--he wants to be an astronaut, wants to get into space, wants to step foot on another planet. It's been his dream. He's done everything he can to stay on that path to get into space, then he's hit with an illness that grinds his journey to his dream to a screeching halt. And he's mad as hell. (I've also set it up that the first character's "affliction" is not having the illness that the second character manifests).
Anyway.
I think part of it is realizing that a dream is somehow within your grasp. Maybe because I'm young, but I'm still coming to grips with that. Even last year, psychotriad did this thing at Wenchcon II with some fencing, ran the group through some basics. And I thought, man, it'd be cool to fence. See, my father had this antique fencing foil that my grandmother gave to him. I played with it as a child and always managed to put it back before my father found out. Then I realized, you know, where I am in my life now, if I find a fencing club, reach out and take the opportunity, I can live that dream I had since I was a kid.
Pretty cool. I guess part of it is not limiting yourself and keeping hold of the possibilities.
Posts: 14745 | Registered: Dec 1999
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posted
I don't think I ever had any specific dreams when I was younger. I have always just kind of gone with the flow. I figured I would get a job of some kind, which I did; get married and have a family, which hasn't happened. So now I'm in my early thirties I am finding I need dreams. It’s no wonder I don't love my job, I never figured out what I wanted to be when I grew up.
So now I dream I will be able to start selling some of my sculptures and have started working on more of them so I can get represented by a gallery. Along with lots of other normal dreams, wife, kids, ect.
So I guess I dream more now than before. Or maybe I just now figuring out what my dreams are.
Posts: 555 | Registered: Jun 2005
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