posted
Emma's been nursing less and less lately, and eating and drinking lots of real food (and gaining weight on it!) It's been a couple of weeks since our move, and I know that's been stressful for her, but she's settled into her routine now, and I'm ready to take a little more control of what has up till now been child-led weaning.
There are several factors; first, she's gotten really agressive about being in charge of when and where she nurses, and I'm just plain sick of having my t-shirt pulled up in public or, when I'm wearing certain things, Emma sticking her hand down my shirt and undergarments, grabbing a "na-na", and pulling it out up the neckline to nurse. Also, she's 16 and a half months old; when she's 18 months, she's going to start going to nursery at church, and I want her to be long used to "no nursing except morning and night while Mama's in her jammies" by then. (I'm not going for total weaning, I'm not ready for that quite yet myself, but down to morning when she wakes up and bedtime before she brushes her teeth.) Also, I may be taking a babysitting job as early as a couple of weeks from now (although it may also not be for a while), and I need to be able to focus on the needs of both my child and the other child, whether Emma is thirsty or wants comfort or not. (See how I feel the need to justify this? It's been that important to me to let Emma have this as long as possible, but she's just not letting go of those daytime sessions, and I'm feeling guilty about making her give them up for my own reasons. I also am to the point where I just want my body back, but that's not something I like to admit.)
I've tried several gentle discouragement methods so far, but my strong-willed girl isn't having any of them. So yesterday I decided "new week, new method", and I decided I just have to go for it at this point, to make it easier in the long run-- like letting her cry herself to sleep at night when she was younger (and sometimes even now) which she never liked, but which was the only way she ever got any nighttime sleep. It was the hardest thing in the world for us, but it worked.
Morning and bedtime are already her longest sessions, the only ones she really uses to actually nurse; the others she just comes in for a nip now and then to comfort herself or quench a thirst, although when she's thirsty she's been accepting a sippy cup as a substitute for quite some time, and for comfort, sometimes just a snuggle and some kisses and maybe a quiet song work. (Sometimes not.) So starting yesterday, I told her when she finished nursing in the morning that the na-nas were going to sleep, and they were all gone until nighttime. Then I put on a pullover dress it's impossible for me to nurse in without completely undressing. And the battle began. She wanted to nurse during church. When I told her they were sleeping and all gone until bedtime, she hit me, screamed, and her father had to go walk her outside. It went that way all day until we got home from dinner at my dad's and I undressed and nursed her, telling her, "The na-nas are awake now! See! They come back!"
This morning I did the same thing. She's now progressed from hitting me when she can't have the na-nas to banging her head on hard objects in frustration, which is a habit she has (runs in the family, my dad, my brother, and I all did it), and which I'm sure she has noticed bothers me more than hitting me, even though I strongly discourage hitting. I try to ignore it and offer distractions (which is what her nurse practitioner recommended), and I've started offering her kisses and Baby (her doll, what else would she name it?) when she wants to nurse instead, but she's still doing the head-banging. I just don't know if I have the strength to actually go through with this, but I know she's not going to remember it in the long run, even if I do, so I hope I have the determination to follow through.
I just need somewhere to cry about it and get some comfort from you who have been through this. Please? Posts: 21182 | Registered: Sep 2004
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posted
Honey, I'm so sorry! I'm not much help, because mine totally weaned themselves by the time they were your wee one's age. They just found reall food more interesting, I guess.
posted
Yeah, that's the thing; she loves real food (witness the watermelon eating thread), but she's just one of those kids who gets really attatched to nursing as comfort and routine, I guess.
Thanks for the hugs, though.
Posts: 21182 | Registered: Sep 2004
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posted
Weaning was often a very stressful time around our house and I was pretty powerless to do anything about it. It's hard and frustrating on everyone. I would try to find a La Leche League near you for support, both in ideas and in just plain somewhere to cry about it. If you were still in Dallas I could give you recommended names and numbers. Posts: 3846 | Registered: Apr 2004
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KQ -- Well, my youngest two weaned themselves prior to 1 year (but I think I was so worn out I was probably not giving much milk, so that may have added to it). But my oldest I did have to force wean at 13 months.
However, by that time, he was only nursing at night. So all it took was about four teeth-grinding, nail-bitings nights of toughing it out -- listening to him wail half the night but refusing to go in there to nurse him, and then it was over. Done. He slept through the night after that one week and never tried to nurse again.
posted
I'm lucky that my husband is very available most of the time and supportive (she'll take food better from him than me; she sees me and wants to nurse.) The La Leche League in my area meets at times and places inaccessable to me, and I really don't feel the need for them; I also feel really guilty admitting that I'm weaning my child when almost all my friends with kids in this area practice child-led weaning exclusively.
FG, thanks for that. That's exactly what I needed to hear-- tough it out and it will be over soon. Thank you. (I almost wish I would just dry up from the stress, but I'm a hyper-lactater. I can't even pump because every time I tried I developed mastitis, I hyperlactate so much. But at least I never had problems nursing during the early months.)
Posts: 21182 | Registered: Sep 2004
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My youngest just wasn't quitting, wasn't scaling back to morning and night, no nothing. So I just pulled the plug one Sunday afternoon a couple of weeks before she turned 2.
I had been ready to pull the plug earlier, but then she got her finger cut near off in the door, so that put it off several weeks.
She didn't resist the sudden disappearance of the breast at first, but a couple of months later she learned to say something similar to "nursing?" It was really cute.
Anyway, I think I had a thread about this...
Posts: 2010 | Registered: Apr 2003
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I just feel like a horrible mother. I don't have a problem being mean about other things, but nursing is actually good for her. I feel selfish and horrid.
Posts: 21182 | Registered: Sep 2004
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Um, I started to post a funny family story about my mom and my brother, but decided that it would probably be inappropriate considering they both post here. But I'll try to get mom to come in and post it. It'll make you feel much better, kq, I promise.
Posts: 7954 | Registered: Mar 2004
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Well, KQ -- feeling bad about not nursing is understandable, but you still have to treat her behavior . So if she is having bad behavior (due to not be able to nurse or whatever the reason) you have to be consistent -- and not let her get by with it just because you feel guilty for not nursing.
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I know. And I don't feel bad about that. But like I said, she's stopped hitting me and started hurting herself. Posts: 21182 | Registered: Sep 2004
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Boon
unregistered
posted
First of all, don't feel so bad about "denying" her the nutrition, especially if you're still nursing at least once a day. I've read studies (that I can't find right now, of course!) that say the immunological properties and nutritional value of breast milk are actually concentrated as the volume decreases.
If you're worried about the head-banging (as I'm sure you are) consider buying a toddler sized bike helmet and having her wear that during the transition.
Otherwise, try not to fret too much. Your stress will cause her to be more stressed, which will make her want to nurse even more (in the short term).
She'll be fine. You'll be fine. She'll always love you, even if she's mad right now.
You're a great mom. Yes, breast milk is good for her, but you're not stopping completely, and even if you were you're careful about what she eats.
posted
I had two kids who weaned themselves . . . and then came child number three. Who I'm telling you, if I hadn't weaned her, would still be nursing now (and she's almost six).
Weaning a child is HARD -- physically (overly full breasts, probably leaking and painful; not to mention the hormones going nuts as your body tries to adjust), emotionally (dealing with a baby who doesn't necessarily want to wean, and shows it in heart-rending ways; dealing with the notion of your baby growing up), and even spiritually (you will always be her mother, but the connection that changed when she was born is starting to change again). And that's when the kid just screams and cries!
Keep in mind that you may feel like you're being selfish/unreasonable/something like that, but taking good care of Mommy is absolutely necessary if Mommy is to take good care of Baby. Oxygen masks!
*hug* In six months (or less) she won't remember. She won't hate you. And she probably won't even need therapy when she's older!
posted
I guess I got lucky. My daughter was about your daughter's age when she weaned. Basically she had to because I was pregnant with my son. I sat down and gently explained that I needed the milk for our new baby and that she could use her cup instead. For some reason, that made sense to her and she was weaned a just a little bit. Mostly, I would advise to not put up with her behavior, but also love her through this. It's not easy to give up something that gives so much warmth and connection to you.
Also don't be surprised if, even after this is over, if she doesn't cling to you in some way. My daughter is now 11 and my son is 9. Both of them often cling to me or sit very close to me and I have to think it's because they were nursed. That's the part you have to look forward to once you get done with this tough part.
Don't worry, you're doing the right thing. Just because it's hard and the kid is acting out doesn't mean your cruel or heartless. You're just being mom.
You (and she) are gonna be fine. Posts: 392 | Registered: Aug 2004
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Thanks, guys. She seems to be starting to accept the change a little bit; she still asks, but less often. (She was very happy when we got ready for bed and "the na-nas woke up", though!) But I think today might have been the hardest. Thanks for helping me get through today; hopefully it will keep getting better.
Posts: 21182 | Registered: Sep 2004
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You know, I think that the partial weaning is almost harder than the need to wean all the way. But I think how you handled it (the na-nas go to sleep during the day) is great.
Posts: 3495 | Registered: Feb 2000
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I believe you have very good reasons to modify your breastfeeding routine. It's important to prepare your baby for upcoming changes related to babysitting and I think it is important that your sweet-one not undress you whenever she has the urge. You need your dignity. I really like the way you have told her that your na-nas sleep during the day. I think that's a creative explanation that she can grasp, even if she doen't like it. The long dress was a good idea, too. Look for other clothes that make you less accessable. I think it helps to adjust a small child's environment so that compliance is easier than the alternative. As you are consistant, little Emma will get used to this new stage in her life. It is hard to let go of cherished baby stages. I know. My baby is 8. Knowing that he would be my last made each new stage bittersweet. Your Emma will never again be the baby she used to be but there will still be closeness and intimacy, just in different forms.
Posts: 26 | Registered: Jan 2005
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quote: I told her when she finished nursing in the morning that the na-nas were going to sleep, and they were all gone until nighttime. Then I put on a pullover dress it's impossible for me to nurse in without completely undressing. And the battle began. She wanted to nurse during church. When I told her they were sleeping and all gone until bedtime, she hit me, screamed, and her father had to go walk her outside. It went that way all day until we got home from dinner at my dad's and I undressed and nursed her, telling her, "The na-nas are awake now! See! They come back!"
That's precious.
I'm absolutely no help in this area. My oldest son was 22 months when I began trying to wean him. I would have probably started earlier but I was a huge emotional wuss about the entire situation. I eventually tried different things suggested to me by different people. I put band aids on and said they were broken. He was heartless; he frowned, patted me and promptly removed them and tried to nurse. I put cayenne pepper on them to discourage the taste (yes I was willing to try anything). He developed a taste for the spicier foods in life at a very early age. I tried a lot of strange things that I’m having a hard time remembering seventeen years later.
He finally weaned himself. I couldn't figure it out until a few weeks later when I realized I was pregnant. I was at least three weeks pregnant when he decided he'd had enough. My midwife informed me that the taste of my milk had probably changed, making it easier for him to not want it.
I don't suppose pregnancy is an option for you KQ?
I had to wean my youngest son cold turkey when he was 18 months old. I had to take medication that wasn't safe for him. It broke my heart. He cried for two days and two nights. I've always felt guilty about that. I've always thought that I did him wrong somehow.
My daughter, independent girl that she is, weaned herself completely by the age of 15 months. It shocked me. She was busy getting on with her life.
quote: feeling bad about not nursing is understandable, but you still have to treat her behavior
Very good advice. I kind of cut back gradually until I needed to go out of town for a friend's wedding, when the baby was 18 months old. I left the kid with his grandmother, and that was it -- no more nursing. I think it went smoother because I was away. He would never think of nursing from his grandmother, and because me and my "boombas" were away, he did without.
And when I came back, I told him that he was a big boy now, and didn't need the boombas any more. And you know what? He didn't.
Does anyone else remember the bit about late weaning from "A Tree Grows in Brooklyn"? Excellent.
Posts: 10397 | Registered: Jun 2005
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Yes, Tante! One of my favorite literary scenes.
"Just give him the Gussy."
KQ, hang in there(not a great expression in this case).
There has been a little bit(or a lot) of mourning at every stage of our children's development. Along with info on each stage of a child's growth, it would be nice of the baby books mentioned the stages that parents go through as well.
[ August 16, 2005, 11:48 AM: Message edited by: Elizabeth ]
Posts: 10890 | Registered: May 2003
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posted
I remember being seriously disturbed as a child when we were dropped off at this family's house to wait for the bus. The son who was about 3 or 4 years old climbed up into his mother's lap when his little baby sister (or brother) was finished nursing and had himself a snack.
I suppose the mother was letting him self-wean himself.
But as a little girl around 7 or so... I was seriously weirded out. So were my brothers.
posted
My younger daughter was the one who didn't want to give up "na-na" either (yes, we used the same term). I used judicious application of infant Tylenol to discourage her - she didn't like the taste of it and gave up nursing fairly quickly. I didn't have the "hyper-lactating" problem, though, and was going for total weaning.
In my completely-untrained-in-any-official-capacity way, my advice is to make sure she has plenty of cuddling/close times with you without nursing. If she's thirsty, have a sippy cup handy while cuddling. Read to her a lot, holding her on your lap. Find a substitute for the things she gets from nursing.
Posts: 2034 | Registered: Apr 2004
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I don't know if this makes me a bad mom, but I always used a bottle of whole milk to help my kids wean. They seemed to get about as much comfort out of being held and fed a bottle as they did out of nursing.
Of course, then they remain attached to the bottle for up to a year afterwards, and we then have to wean them of that.
We usually wean them of bottle and pacifier during a time when they are unwilling to go to sleep anyway for other reasons. We figured, if they are going to cry with bottle/pacifier, they can cry without it.
For us the weaning of bottle and pacifier hasn't actually been too bad. I don't know why.
Posts: 7050 | Registered: Feb 2004
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posted
My kids tended to reject bottles (of my milk) about the time they figured out that if they waited a couple hours, Mommy would come home and they could have the real thing. Usually about 10-12 months. So weaning to a bottle wouldn't have worked.
Anyway, I know too many kids who are still carrying around a bottle at age 3 or 4. And weaning once is traumatic enough.
Posts: 32919 | Registered: Mar 2003
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((KQ)) Sophie's mostly weaned now -- I was losing weight and started to be concerned -- but it was/is hard for us. Especially right when I got home from work and at naptimes and we still have regressions back into nursing. She refused everything and wailed -- throwing bottles, pacifiers, slapping our hands away. Distraction and a bit of absence (I'd leave the room for about ten minutes or be busy with something) were the only things that worked for us and not even all the time. Sophie is also pretty strong willed.
Hugs and love definitely go out to you! Good luck!
I'm trying to cut out the night weaning now because Sophie has taken to waking two to three times a night again after some nasty colds, roseola and I think now some teeth coming in. I try this about once a month with gentle persuasion techniques and I've yet to find anything that works. Posts: 1777 | Registered: Jan 2003
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Emma refused bottles and pacifiers at 2 months. And she's slightly lactose-intolerant (she can have yogurt and cheese and cooked milk products like pudding, but gets a tummy ache from milk.) She took a sippy cup at 3 months, though, and was using it on her own (at least the ones with handles) at 4 months. Lately, though, she wants one of us to hold her and hold the sippy cup for her to drink from, and we're allowing that right now as a substitute for nursing, figuring pretty soon she'll want to be independent again (she will, right? ) Her not taking a bottle or pacifier has been both a good and a bad thing; sometimes I really wish she would take a pacifier, but then, I don't have to fight with her when it's time to get rid of it. I do see far too many 5-year-olds with pacifiers. And she's already trying to use a "big girl cup" instead of a sippy cup, so it looks like that won't be too much of a struggle. It's just the weaning...
Posts: 21182 | Registered: Sep 2004
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Princess hasn't asked for na-nas all day (after nursing this morning.) She hasn't pulled my shirt or anything. I haven't had to remind her that they're sleeping once. She came and sat on my lap and leaned back and cuddled when she needed some close time instead.
And yet, I feel like crying...
Posts: 21182 | Registered: Sep 2004
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It'll make you feel much better, kq, I promise.
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) Her not taking a bottle or pacifier has been both a good and a bad thing; sometimes I really wish she would take a pacifier, but then, I don't have to fight with her when it's time to get rid of it. I do see far too many 5-year-olds with pacifiers. And she's already trying to use a "big girl cup" instead of a sippy cup, so it looks like that won't be too much of a struggle. It's just the weaning...
