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My husband and I are in the process of being appointed the legal guardians of an almost 12 year old girl. We have an 11 year old girl, an almost 9 year old boy and a 2 year old boy. The 12 year old's mother is leaving the state on Saturday. She signed her part of the guardianship papers. The father lives in town, but he is not quite able to take care of her right now. Plus she refuses to speak to him. He also signed the papers (because he feels that our family is the best place for her right now) She is hurting so badly right now. She is so angry. Part of her anger has to do with wondering why her mom can't be more like me. She lashes out at me, which I can take, but it makes her feel even worse. I just tell her that I love her, but that she can't talk to me like that.
I am just so sad and worried about her. The staff at her school knows what is going on so that they are prepared for anything that might happen.
I don't know what to do. She is so fragile and I am so afraid of saying or doing the wrong thing. All I know how to do is to just hold her and tell her that I love her. I also tell her that there is nothing that she could say or do that would make me stop loving her.
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Sounds like you are doing everything right. But even doing everything right won't always make the situation better.
This is one of those instances where you have to know that time heals all wounds, and keep doing what you are doing.
Posts: 21898 | Registered: Nov 2004
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She's been let down so much, I guess, by people, that she doesn't know that she can trust you not to do the same. So she's pushing you to see if you will disappoint her also.
You are doing good in not letting her down. I'm hoping that eventually she will learn to trust.
You are doing such a mitzvah!
Posts: 10397 | Registered: Jun 2005
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It will take time. She's probably not used to being loved, from what you've described. She probably doesn't know what to think of it or if she should trust if it's real or not. She probably doesn't know if she can ever trust anyone to actually love her. It takes time to heal wounds that damaged.
Keep showing her you love her, no matter what. It will make things better.
Having said that, groundrules need to be in place as well. Don't let her get away with things your children wouldn't just because she's hurting. Make sure she has to follow the same rules and make sure she understands that. It will help her learn to trust you.
Posts: 8355 | Registered: Apr 2003
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Lemme put it this way. A friend of mine had a child of his that had to be hospitalized psychiatrically for a year. Each weekend, my friend visited his child (who is adopted). Each visit, the child would tell his father "Eff you." But my friend kept going back, showing the child that love isn't conditional.
So, you're doing something for the better. Even if she can't grasp it tangibly.
Posts: 14745 | Registered: Dec 1999
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I think the baby is the only one she trusts. Every adult in her life that she was supposed to be able to trust has let her down. (and in the most important ways there are.) I think she trusts the baby because he is too young to betray her. He is so good for her. He runs up to her and puts his arms up for a hug. It is one of the few times I see her smile. She is such a good kid. It breaks my heart everything that she has gone through.
Dad is an alcoholic. Mom is a drug addict. She has lived 17 places and been evicted from most. I just want her to have a place where she feels safe.
I felt so horrible tonight when I told her that I love her, but that she can't treat me like that. Then she yelled at me for making her feel worse and stormed up to her room.
Tante, I'm not doing this because it's a Mitzvah. I'm doing this because she is a child that needs something. We are now one seriously religiously blended family now. 3 biological children and myself are Jewish. I teach Hebrew and Religious School. Husband grew up in a fundamentalist Christian family. She grew up with a mother who is Wiccan.
Posts: 17 | Registered: Jul 2005
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Miriam, "go away" was probably a test, even if she's not conscious of doing so. As was said earlier, every adult in her life has abandoned her, in her mind at least. She needs to know that you won't do the same. Your response ("I can't") is exactly what she needs to hear. You'll have to go through it several times before she believes it and actually accepts it, but I believe that it will happen in time.
Posts: 4515 | Registered: Jul 2004
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Hang in there. Parent her. Do the things you are doing. You know what to do (even if you don't think you know, you are doing it). Love her. Be there. Be there. Be there. You can't keep her from the pain, but hopefully, you can show her there are alternatives. I am praying for you, for her, and your family. Bless you.
Posts: 1545 | Registered: May 2002
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She could also be protecting herself-- not letting herself get close to you because she "knows" it's not going to last.
I suggest a child/adolescent psychologist. You know, to give her someone safe to talk to, to work out her issues. Someone who doesn't have control over her life.
That's the other thing-- maybe she feels she has no control right now. Could you give her something to be responsible for and care for? Like a garden? Or even just a couple of potted flowers? Let her choose what flowers or vegetables to plant, show her how to care for them, and then let her at it. Gardening can be very therapeutic.
Posts: 21182 | Registered: Sep 2004
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Ooooh, kq has a great idea! Yeah! Plants can be so therapeutic!
Alternately, register her in some kind of extra-curricular thing of her choosing. Painting, sculpting, karate, swimming . . . Something normal, something she chooses, something she wants to do. But only if she's ready for it.
Posts: 8355 | Registered: Apr 2003
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When you mentioned that she only trusted the baby, my first thought was, "Cool, her heart is intact. She'd probably be great with a pet."
I'd seriously consider the couselling advice. My husband has long suffered with abondonment issues and it makes it very difficult for him to develop healthy attachments to people. He didn't get counselling until he was 23 and, frankly, it was too little too late. If you have the means, I would offer her the help now so that she can learn that she is loveable and so that she becomes an asset rather than a problem to the rest of your family life.
Posts: 2425 | Registered: Jan 2002
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All I have to add to the very excellent things others have said is to be patient and never give up hope or feel discouraged.
My hurt child whom I adopted took 2 years before he began to trust me, to open up to me, and to believe in me and in himself. He's doing wonderfully well now. It makes me so joyful to see. You're absolutely doing the right thing. There may be dark times ahead when you question everything. But there is light beyond the darkness. Hold fast to your course and press forward having a perfect brightness of hope.
Posts: 6246 | Registered: Aug 2004
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I don't have anything to add to the excellent thoughts already expressed. Stability and patience and love. What more can you give and what better things are there for this child right now?
If you really can promise that this is her home for as long as she wants, then you are giving her the most important thing she needs right now.
If you can't promise that -- if she's likely to be taken elsewhere or go back to her folks -- then I can't imagine what you can tell her that will break down the protective barriers she's put up.
So, I'm hoping this is permanent and you can actually make that promise to her.
I'd also just say that she should have to follow the family's rules. Don't ever create a special set just for her or because she's hurting. She follows the rules or gets the same consequences the other kids would get. The sooner you can get her on that "track" the better. And let her know what to expect and what you expect.
Honesty and love...sounds like you're the best thing to ever happen to this poor kid.
Posts: 22497 | Registered: Sep 2000
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I should add that "go away" in response to "I love you" is not all that shocking. My kids do it to me sometimes for nothing more than being told "no". Not to say the child isn't hurting, but to say that she's far from beyond hope. you know this instinctively, or you wouldn't be trying to help. Don't lose faith!
The "mad book" is an excellent idea. Keep your chin up and shoulders square and, when you are done, you will be able to look on the life this girl has with a great deal of awe at what you were able to do.
Posts: 3846 | Registered: Apr 2004
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My sister works for a foster-care agency. Places like hers has classes just for people like you, to know how to deal with the anger and emotional rollercoaster that many of these kids go through when they get displaced.
Please see if a foster care agency in your area can help you with classes, counseling or some type of guidance in dealing with this. They can validate you and tell you that you are doing everything okay, even when you feel like you are hopelessly confused.
Hugs to you Farmgirl
Posts: 9538 | Registered: Aug 2003
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Just to add to what Bob said (which was, as usual, right on), in terms of rules and such, she needs that. Consistent rules and consequences and expectations create safety for a child. They need that safety.
Posts: 14745 | Registered: Dec 1999
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quote:I should add that "go away" in response to "I love you" is not all that shocking. My kids do it to me sometimes for nothing more than being told "no".
This is true, too. My baby pushed me away when I said I loved her when I was doing my partial weaning thing. And she's only 17 months old. I think it may be a personality type thing-- shocking if you haven't encountered it before, but it's just the way some kids respond. And it's okay. You just keep saying you love them anyway, and they eventually stop trying to push away.
Posts: 21182 | Registered: Sep 2004
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Icky, it's Sasha. I've posted several times requesting prayers for him that you may have seen. He's doing fantastic now, taking a bunch of AP courses in school (he'll be a Junior in HS this time) is making really good grades, and is very dedicated and focused on college. He reads good books for fun (Kafka, Dostoevsky, etc.) and writes wonderful stories. I'm so proud of him.
Posts: 6246 | Registered: Aug 2004
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Let me add one more voice of support...you are doing the right thing, even if it is hard to do right now.
Posts: 6683 | Registered: Jun 2005
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Thank you so much everyone for your support. This is going to be one insane rollercoaster ride, but so worth it. I really appreciate your ideas too.
Last night our whole family, including my in-laws, went down to the observatory at Northwestern. At one point in time I sat down on the floor. She laid down next to me and put her head in my lap.
Today is the day we take her Mom to the train. Her 15 year old sister who lives with their grandma is going with us also. Then she is staying the night at my house and wants to bake brownies for/with her sister.
I don't know if she realizes that I'm the one who decided she had to go to the train and say goodbye to her mother there. I just don't want her to later regret not going. She doesn't want to go.
As far as permanency, I have waivers on file with the court requesting my husband and myself be appointed her permanent guardians signed by both her mom and dad. All other paperwork has also been submitted to the courts and we have our hearing coming up in a few weeks.
Are children supposed to go to those? In WI you have to be 14 to petition the court for a specific guardian. Mom will not be there because theoretically she'll be half way across the country. Dad will probably be there though.
Posts: 17 | Registered: Jul 2005
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If they don't tell you in advance, contact your case worker or the court to find out. The child's presence might be required, not just optional.
Good luck to you all on the paperwork front. Are you going to make a big deal of it when everything is final or just not bring it up? I could see doing it either way, honestly.
I love that she came and laid her head in your lap. This is wonderful news!
Posts: 22497 | Registered: Sep 2000
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I don't know how you're planning to handle it, either, but if you wanted to make a big deal of it, I have some ideas. Posts: 21182 | Registered: Sep 2004
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I haven't decided either way yet. If we celebrate, that could really upset her. Mom is "supposed" to come back.
We took Mom to her train yesterday. Several times she had said that she didn't want to go. That was one of the few things that I have flat out insisted on. You never know what will happen in life. What if for whatever reason Mom doesn't come back? I didn't want her to ever regret not saying goodbye to her mom. Older sister went with us and their grandma who is older sister's guardian allowed her to spend the night last night.
The both cried. It was good that she cried because that means she is not so hurt/damaged that she can't cry or allow herself to cry. (I cried too. For these little girls and their 18 year old brother.)
At one point in time on the way back (very long drive) the older sister was talking and then she said "It's okay" (that her mother had left them). I responded that "No, it's not okay, but you and Rowan are both going to be okay."
Stopped at Build-A-Bear Workshop on the way home. She had always wanted to go there and got each of them a stuffed animal so they would have something to hold onto that night. Also I put an extra heart into each of their animals for them in addition to the one they put in so that they could have my good thoughts and love.
Posts: 17 | Registered: Jul 2005
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Thoughts and prayers to you all there, Miriam. It's a bumpy road and a long one, but it does lead somewhere better.
Posts: 2848 | Registered: Feb 2003
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Have you asked the girl? I don't think you want to surprise her with anything - you could risk offending her or hurting her feelings. I would suggest asking her what she wants and then get her involved. For all you know, she'd prefer a wake or a simple dinner out or nothing at all.
Posts: 8355 | Registered: Apr 2003
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Wow. Miriam, you are an amazing human being. Just an absolutley amazing human being. I know you arent writing about this to garner praise, but you need to hear that what you are doing makes you such an asset to the human community, and an inspiration to me. It sounds like you are being loving and patient, and showing this child that they are worthy of everything you have to offer. That is exactly what she needs. As for anything else she might need, I agree with the idea of an experienced counselor who can act as a disconnected party. Having someone she could talk to about her anger without feeling guilty because she may hurt someones feelings may be helpful.
Posts: 499 | Registered: Mar 2004
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Miriam, there should be opportunities for therapy available through the state. Are you working with a social worker? If so, he or she can refer you to a number of services.
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