posted
Where do I begin? As those of you who read my landmark will probably know, my growing up environment was not the healthiest ever. I have developed many insecurities and a sort of inferiority complex. For instance, my brother, the closest male relative of mine and the only male to ever have mad an impact on me to the psychological level, always treated me badly. He was a good brother, but he has never shown any fisical affection for me. He never hugs me when we see each other and he literally hates it whenever I try to hug him or play around with his hair. He gets so angry that he lashes out at me and well, when we were younger, he'd hit me. I guess its because of this that I feel intimidated whenever I am around men that are my same age and I find attractive. There is a horrible voice inside of me that tells me that I am too ugly or dirty for them and that I am just way out of his league. I have recieved compliments from people telling me that I should model or that I am very pretty, that cheers me up a little, but in the long run it just makes me cry at night because I look in the mirror and that voice makes me believe they are wrong. To the point now, this is affecting my love life to the point where I do not have one. I cannot flirt with the guys I like or give out any signs that I like them because I feel restrained. That voice keeps telling me those things and not just that, it tells me that I should not act like a slut does by flirting with guys. I know there is a horrible problem with me, and I am really opening up to you guys. Seriously, I think that men who are nice to me in any way are like angels from heaven or something. These traumas and such are getting in my way of happiness and I just cannot take it anymore. I want to be free of all these things that bind me into being someone I do not want to be. I remember when I was a little girl, I remember when people couldn't restrain me because I always said what I thought or did what I thought was what I should do and not what people thought I should do. These days, I depend too much on people's opinions. I feel like that wild and free spirit of mine is dead. I feel like that child I once was is dead.Please try helping me in this Hatrack. If there is one thing Hatrack can do, is comfort me. Hatrack is that powerful to my mind.
Posts: 3389 | Registered: Apr 2004
| IP: Logged |
posted
Altáriël, first I need to know (forgive me for being insensitive) are you wanting some sympathy or are you asking for help (where to get it and how to go about it)?
I can offer both.
EDIT: Does this melancholy post have anything to do with your other melancholy post regarding boyfriends and loneliness?
Posts: 2064 | Registered: Dec 2003
| IP: Logged |
posted
Both I guess. I just want to get those feelings and thoughts away from me. Thank you for caring Val, you are truly as Ender described.
Posts: 3389 | Registered: Apr 2004
| IP: Logged |
posted
Well, then. I may not be your brother but here's to hoping you and he will some day hug too.
I too understand how complicated a brother/sister relationship can be.
Now where to start on that release...Is your profile up to date? I will then assume you are still a high school senior (as is my little brother). Most school counselors aren't usually worth more than the brick wall they bang their heads into everyday before work. But sometimes they can be a wealth of information on people they can pass you off to (the people who can really help you).
Ask the counselor to give you a confidental referral to someone you can talk to regarding some non-school related personal issues. They should lead you to some good resources. Don't be scared of hotlines either. They are not just for people ready to jump off of buildings, they are great listeners too. I live in Omaha (where Boys Town was founded) and they have a toll-free hotline. Take from me, I've called there before. It wasn't that long ago I was a teenager that needed someone to hear me.
posted
Thank you. I really am grateful that people here care. Really, you just made me shed a couple of tears. I always thought I should call those hotlines, but I always thought better because of the ideology my mother has that whatever happens to me is nobody's business and no one should know about anything that happens to me except her. I feel like crap for thinking this, but my mother lost the confidence I had in her to tell her my secrets. She never respected my secrets or intimate feelings. Whenever she payed attention to what I had to say, she always found some a way to see it through the negative spectrum.
Posts: 3389 | Registered: Apr 2004
| IP: Logged |
I used to be very shy and nervous, and unhappy around guys... it took me a while to warm up to them. It's not that I didn't like them, I just didn't feel comfortable. I never had the luxury of having a guy "like me" (at least that I knew of), though, to experiment with. Sometime in the last two years, I opened up a little bit. My first relationship was someone I met here. While it was wonderful, it was intense... it would eat me up from the inside.
After that was over, I took it to the other extreme... and dated someone else, without really any deeper feelings involved. When deeper feelings started creeping in, I shied away.
Then, I found a happy medium. (We've broken up, but that's neither here nor there... we were together for ten and a half months, including part of the time when I was overseas).
Alt, you just have to remember that you'll find someone who doesn't care what you look like (you are, btw, extremely beautiful, but that'll be just an added bonus, rather than a reason to date you), who loves you for you, and not for the image of you, and who will help you in feeling comfortable and secure. The relationship you had with your brother sounds really rough, and I guess that's not one I can relate to... I only have one younger sister, and she and I are fairly close. But I do feel justified in saying that it takes time and patience... and sometimes, a little walk on the wild side.
If your conscience tells you you're unfit for the guys around you, go "Screw you, little voice" and go out anyway! You're a sweet, beautiful girl, and you shouldn't have any trouble getting romantically involved. I wish I knew something more helpful to say than that, but you do have my full sympathy. And you're welcome to talk to me anytime (e-mail and AIM in profile). I'm told I'm a good listener. Posts: 7877 | Registered: Feb 2003
| IP: Logged |
posted
You should be able to get free counseling at your school. Please avail yourself of it. You will feel so much better talking about it to someone, I promise.
posted
If I keep to myself about everything I would simply explode. Or implode. Both sound pretty scary.
But here's an idea: now that you are not living with disrespectful mom, try a diary or journal. No, not those blogs, not one to entertain your readers. Make it for you and only you. A pretty one with a pretty pen to match. Be honest and pour your heart out. It will help with that "release" I spoke about earlier.
Posts: 2064 | Registered: Dec 2003
| IP: Logged |
Boon
unregistered
posted
Whatever else you do, keep talking. Call the hotlines, call your friends, call me...I'll send you my phone number if you want to talk.
Physical contact (hugging, etc.) is usually a very healthy way to express affection, and I'm sorry you've been made to feel inhibited about that. It sucks.
I grew up in a very huggy family. Kisses on the lips are very common among my father's kin. (NOT FRENCH KISSES YOU SICKOS! )
My husband, OTOH, did not. To put it delicately, almost every day I have to remind him that I need physical contact. It just doesn't cross his mind to hug me once in a while, much less kiss me when he gets home.
I know that's not the same thing as what you're describing, but I do know how important it is to feel comfortable with the people around you.
posted
Oh my God Raia. You're an angel from heaven. A saint. An envoy of Jehova himself. I just had to put down my lappy and run to the bathroom to have a good 3 minutes of crying. I guess the music I'm hearing helped too, I'm hearing the Edward Scissorhands Soundtrack after watching the movie. Thank you. I'll go ahead and add you to my AIM buddy list.
Posts: 3389 | Registered: Apr 2004
| IP: Logged |
posted
This advice is a little perverse, but I have to say it, and hope you will take it with hope (as intended) rather than despair.
I'm married, and have been for more than five years, so I guess I could say I've been successful in love, though I would hardly have described myself as so when I was first a college freshman.
Love never found me until I stopped actively looking for it. Then it pretty literally fell into my lap.
I could analyze this and wonder if when I was trying to find romantic companionship I was somehow stilted or artificial or off-putting, but this was the case. Perhaps when I stopped looking, those who were interested in _me_ rather than the other way around felt freer to meet me half-way.
When I met my wife, we were both with other people. We became close friends, and eventually we broke up with those other people, and found ourselves growing closer, and found that the slowly increasing amount of flirting and the strong need we felt to spend time with each other was making a mockery of our claims that we were "just friends".
So, that's my story. I suppose I'm mostly saying that love will happen. Relax, don't force it; be receptive, have faith.
Posts: 3826 | Registered: May 2005
| IP: Logged |
posted
And ... work on yourself - on becoming a strong person within yourself. Discover yourself. Find your way. (If this sounds cliche, sorry.)
But, be yourself and know who you are. Don't expect to be perfect before you "find love." Expect to know yourself and have a good feeling about yourself - have self-confidence. (again, not expecting perfection)
but my point (eventually) is that it's better when you do find someone that you are your own person. You don't want to be entirely dependent on someone else's opinion of yourself for your feeling of self-worth. If you have a fairly good opinion of yourself, self-confidence, you will be a better person in your future relationships.
In my case, it was my dad. I remember him telling me how lazy I was. I don't remember hearing any praise from him. I married a man who told me I was pretty, partly because I needed to hear it. During the course of our marriage, we've both changed in many ways. Now I'm hearing pretty much the same things that came out of my dad's mouth. I react pretty much the same way I did with my dad - I've developed quite a fine case of passive-aggressiveness. So, I need to work on my own problems, too.[/derail]
Anyway, develop your own character and self-worth. You will have a better chance of finding someone who will appreciate you and treat you well.
Posts: 2034 | Registered: Apr 2004
| IP: Logged |
I applaud you for recognizing, at your age, that something is amiss. From your pictures, you certainly are a lovely young woman and you have never struck me as anything but fun and kind. I am glad that you recognize that you shouldn't be seeing yourself as anything other than that. Speaking from personal experience, an inability to love yourself is a crippling handicap. I have no idea what I might have accomplished if I had gotten help at your age instead of waiting another 18 years.
Please see a counselor. If you cannot afford one, ask your church to put you in touch with Catholic Charities, who will find you one on a sliding scale that you will be able to afford.
Let me emphasize that I do not think this is something you can overcome by friends or family or jatraqueros telling you how much you are loved or beautiful. When I was in your shoes, I found reasons to disbelieve everything that was said... and unfortunately, being intelligent and perceptive (as you certainly are) helps you find reasons to discount people when they say kind things about you.
I've been there, done that, got the t-shirt. Drove myself further and further into the ground till I was at the point of being bankrupt, unemployed, and divorced. Then I finally decided I needed help.
The nice thing is, learning to love myself and, consequently, to be able to receive love from others was such a wonderful thing that actually ending up bankrupt, unemployed, and divorced in the process was not only survivable, but seemed like a good trade. At your age and station in life, you can get all the upside of this without any of the down... again, very good that you are so perceptive and honest with yourself (and us).
posted
So you don't really have any guy friends, what about girl friends? I don't mean ones that you can open your heart to, just ones that share a lot of common interests. Spend some time with them when they are with their boyfriends. Since you know that the guys are already in a committed relationship, you won't feel any pressure to impress them or act a certain way around them. You can start to feel more comfortable and natural around them, and in time, around guys in general.
quote:I feel like that wild and free spirit of mine is dead. I feel like that child I once was is dead.
Pick up some of the hobbies that you enjoyed as a child. Be spontaneous. Go out and buy a fingerpaint set or go to the park for an afternoon. This doesn't really address how you interact with people, but it can make you feel better.
Sam reflecting on how epilepsy has changed her life in Garden State: "...what do you do? You laugh. I'm not saying I don't cry, but in between I laugh and I realize how silly it is to take anything too seriously. Plus, I look forward to a good cry. It feels pretty good."
There are some things about your life that you cannot change (such as your past) so don't be too concerned about it. Laugh at it. That doesn't mean it won't still hurt sometimes. It doesn't mean you won't cry about it sometimes, but in between cries, you can enjoy what you do have.
Posts: 1256 | Registered: May 2005
| IP: Logged |
posted
definitely check out counselling at your college-it's usually free, and could probably be quite helpful. And don't be ashamed if you go, there's nothing shameful in realizing you could use some help and trying to get it-and I know going to see a counselor or a therapist can be hard to admit to. I still haven't admitted to any but my family and 4 friends that I'm going.
Also, listen to other girls talking about it. It really made me a lot more comfortable with the idea of dating when I became friends with my debate partner who is a-CONSTANTLY dating, a new boy all the time and b-perfectly comfortable with talking about all aspects of it, including her thoughts and mistakes. Being around someone you respect who is comfortable with it can go a long way toward making you more comfortable.
And try activities. Maybe you already are, but joining clubs or whatever that do things, and just going and doing things may be a good way to get more comfortable with being around guys without needing to worry about flirting or any of that. Just go and do whatever the activity is-maybe some volunteering? and while you're working, listen, maybe visit a bit, and get more comfortable around them.
Posts: 3493 | Registered: Jul 2001
| IP: Logged |
posted
I found it useful to communicate with peers who could relate to my issues. Are there other women out there who have self-esteem problems? There are bound to be! And it wouldn't even need to be women, or college-age. Codependents Anonymous or Adult Children of Alcoholics, perhaps -- it's nonspecific enough it won't matter if you're not codependent and you mother didn't drink!
And, with something like this, for me . . . it takes trying this, that, and the other, and keeping at it like a bulldog. Eventually, something works, but there's no guarantee it will be the first thing. It's an effort, but the reward is you get to see that wild child you once were!
posted
Being pretty is wonderful, but you don't have to do much for it. You don't...earn it. I think self-esteem comes from succeeding at something and knowing that you did it. So, I agree with those who say to find something to work at and confidence will build from that.
No one else can give you confidence - you have to earn it. This sucks, but it's true.
Posts: 26077 | Registered: Mar 2000
| IP: Logged |
posted
Well, that's true. You could always post a thread stating that you really want to meet someone, that you would adore anyone who would be nice to you, and that you're really pretty. Posts: 26077 | Registered: Mar 2000
| IP: Logged |
posted
Ya know what Altariel, I think you're awesome. And for goodness sakes, I had to pick my jaw up off the floor when I saw your prom pictures! You're GORGEOUS!!! Just tell me where that voice inside your head lives and I'll go beat the tar out of it for being so incredibly stupid! Honestly. If it weren't for the fact that I don't live anywhere near you, I'd be asking you out right now
But honestly, I've been in the same boat you're in now. I didn't start dating at all until I was about 22 years old, and even then I wasn't able to really put any serious effort into it because I didn't really feel good about myself. I was always so scared of the worst possible thing that could happen that I never even tried getting a relationship to move forward.
I would like to suggest something, though. Try asking some guys out. Seriously. I doubt that a guy with any intelligence at all would refuse to go on a date with a beautiful woman such as yourself. And if they turn you down, forget them. Any guy that is willing to turn down a girl who asks them out without a good reason (And by that I mean the "I'm in a steady relationship" type of reason) isn't worth wasting time on.
Posts: 3003 | Registered: Oct 2004
| IP: Logged |
posted
I might just take your advice on this one Boris, and ask out that cute librarian in my school' s library, I swear that guy could have worked in Lord of the Rings as Legolas' stunt double.
Posts: 3389 | Registered: Apr 2004
| IP: Logged |
quote: Being pretty is wonderful, but you don't have to do much for it. You don't...earn it. I think self-esteem comes from succeeding at something and knowing that you did it. So, I agree with those who say to find something to work at and confidence will build from that.
Reading what katharina said just made so much sense to me. I’ve been trying to think how to say something similar about doing something you enjoy and succeeding at it. You will make friends on the way and where there are new friends there is the potential for more.
I was very shy when I went to university with pretty low self esteem. I got involved in clubs, made friends, had boyfriends and came out a different person. Make the most of your opportunities.
Posts: 169 | Registered: Aug 2005
| IP: Logged |
posted
I found that once I was happy with myself, finding a relatonship just sort of happened. I mean that I was able to date a little, and move on. I had a problem with that, particularily with the moving on part, when I was younger.
Once you learn that it odesn't have to all be about finding someone perfect all the time, that it is about having fun and learning about yourself, dating becomes much more fun, as opposed to nervewracking.
I hate to say it, but work on yourself, and just let the rest happen when you are ready for it to. Posts: 15082 | Registered: Jul 2001
| IP: Logged |
posted
I do want to turn an idea on its head (that turns me on my head!). Is self-esteem earned? I'd say no: it's assumed. People have it without any particular regard to whether they're the best at anything. In my case, I'll say, I'm a child of God, that's enough to make me worthy. If that doesn't work, maybe something like: there are really awful people (swindlers, especially) that show confidence; why should they have it all? Let good people have it, too.
Posts: 1877 | Registered: Apr 2005
| IP: Logged |
posted
*hug* Cause sometimes its important to remember that someone out there does care and is rooting for you.
I have two brothers. One gives me a hug everytime he sees me. The other mumbles "hi." People show affection in different ways. Some people just have a bigger personal bubble. Everyone on this planet is dealing with their own issues. He has to take care of his and you have to take care of yours. It sucks, but its important to see the affection beyond what is physically displayed.
As for the self-esteem, I read your post and it struck me how I was exactly in your shoes two years ago. I felt ugly and alone and full of negative thoughts. I opened up to some unlikely friends and found people who loved and respected me, as screwed up as I was at the time. It took a year, but I've turned things around. I felt ugly, so I started going to the gym. I didn't feel special so now I'm taking a creative writing class so that I can create unique pieces to remind myself that I am a wonderful individual.
And when you love yourself, you'll be surprised what happens next. People are attracted to confidence. There will always be times in your life when you'll feel alone so in those moments, you have to find value in yourself alone. When you see that value, others will see it too. You'll turn around one moment and that perfect person will be there.
Posts: 1733 | Registered: Apr 2005
| IP: Logged |
posted
Oy, now I'm going to have "Matchmaker, matchmaker" from Fiddler on the Roof in my head all night.
Posts: 4077 | Registered: Jun 2003
| IP: Logged |
Blayne Bradley
unregistered
posted
I just noticed how heartless my post was, Alt please accept my apologes, this was so horrible of my I'm so so sorry, I wasn't thinking, in fact sometimes I don't think when I type, please forgive me.
IP: Logged |
posted
Aw, honey, I feel your pain. You're brother sounds like he has his own issues, and it's a shame that your self-esteem got so bruised. I, too, have seen your pictures, and you are a very lovely young woman. There is nothing icky about the way that you look.
Still, maybe you don't need to be knockout-gorgeous to find the right person. When two people are right for each other, it doesn't matter what they look like -- it matters who they are.
And, pairing up with a boyfriend is not really the greatest way to boost your self-esteem. What happens to too many women with low self-esteem is that they rely too much on the men in their lives for validation and a sense of worth. Better to set aside the quest for romance until you are feeling stronger in yourself.
A good relationship has both parties feeling strong. If both are weak and fragile, they lean on each other too much. And if one is strong and the other weak, well, either the strong one gets tired of always having to support the other, or the strong one has some nasty bullying issues and is attracted to someone that he can dominate. Either way, not so good for you, Alt.
My advice is to work on yourself as an independent, strong, terrific person. Cultivate a group of friends, male or female, with whom you feel comfortable. See if you can find a professional counselor with whom to work on your self-esteem issues.
I think that once you feel better about yourself, you will automatically become attractive to the right kind of person.
Posts: 10397 | Registered: Jun 2005
| IP: Logged |
posted
I know how this goes, Alt. I am rather shy myself and would like to one day be in a relationship, but it is difficult for me, making friends.. I am sorry you are feeling restrained. Perhaps writing your feelings in a blog or journal might help.
Posts: 9942 | Registered: Mar 2003
| IP: Logged |
posted
I caught that from his other post too. It kinda got me off guard. Like, wtf? Is he trying to tell me something?
Posts: 3389 | Registered: Apr 2004
| IP: Logged |
posted
It sucks that you are so far away from California though, I'd probably date you just to see what happens.
Posts: 3389 | Registered: Apr 2004
| IP: Logged |
posted
Does that method actually work if both people use it, though? If person A needs someone who more shy, and person B also needs someone who is more shy, then, unless they have exactly equal shyness levels, one will be more shy than the other. This means that one person will not get the "more shy than me" person comfortability.
Posts: 1466 | Registered: Jan 2003
| IP: Logged |
posted
Yeah, but in our case it would work because we're Hatrackers. I think knowing the person before hand can really help! Although what you state is perfectly coherent.
Posts: 3389 | Registered: Apr 2004
| IP: Logged |
quote:Originally posted by Altáriël of Dorthonion: Yeah, but in our case it would work because we're Hatrackers. I think knowing the person before hand can really help! Although what you state is perfectly coherent.
You go Mackdaddy!
Sounds like you got her half won over already, and you didn't even know you were trying...until I told you that is... Posts: 15082 | Registered: Jul 2001
| IP: Logged |
Printer-friendly view of this topic
![[Wink]](wink.gif)
![[Group Hug]](graemlins/grouphug.gif)
I may not be your brother but here's to hoping you and he will some day hug too.![[Smile]](smile.gif)
(We've broken up, but that's neither here nor there... we were together for ten and a half months, including part of the time when I was overseas).![[Kiss]](graemlins/kiss.gif)
![[Blushing]](graemlins/blushing.gif)
![[Razz]](tongue.gif)
![[Big Grin]](biggrin.gif)
![[Confused]](confused.gif)
![[Frown]](frown.gif)
![[ROFL]](graemlins/rofl.gif)
