posted
Nothing particularly serious. Just a matter that I could use your help with.
There's a guy at the college I go to, in my mentor group, who's been getting... a little close for comfort. He did this to another friend of mine, too, so I wasn't particularly worried... I thought that was his way of acting around people. But then she and this other guy started getting friendly, so he told her "I had been after you, but I think you guys make a cute couple." He actually backed off, and doesn't bother her anymore.
However, he still does the same thing to me. I'm a bit uncomfortable when I'm around him, because he'll just sit and stare at me, or behave like an elementary schooler, in that he'll pull on my braids, and things like that. Until he actually asks me out, I can't get rid of him, because there's the possibility he's not heading in that direction with me... and I can't be like "I won't go out with you" when he hasn't asked me anything. And we were friends before all of this happened, so I can't just avoid him... especially as we have three classes together.
He and I both like British comedy series, and at the very beginning, we were saying how we should get together and watch some. Now he's asked me if I want to go watch some in his room tomorrow night... and while I really don't want to, I can't come up with excuses forever (I already turned him down once last week... something was going on, and I used it as my excuse). He knows it's something that I like, because we talked about it, but again, I can't turn him down and tell him that he makes me really uncomfortable until he actually says or does something definite.
Anyway, this is kind of angsty teenage dilemma, I know, but does anyone know of a way I can handle this without hurting too many feelings, or doing something socially unethical? I'd appreciate advice. Thanks.
posted
He doesn't have to ask you out in order for you to tell him he's making you uncomfortable. Yo can tell him that anytime he's making you uncomfortable. All you have to say is "Look, I don't like it when you pull my hair/look at me like that/whatever, it makes me uncomfortable. I don't know if you're interested in anything more than being friends or not, but I'm not, so I wanted to get that out there."
If you do it casually and politely, he'll either take it like an adult and back off or be horribly embarrassed and back off or try to pretend he wasn't doing anything and you're a crazy bitch. If it's the last one, shrug and walk away, it's not worth it.
posted
Or, you know, if you don't want to confront him, you can just get a girlfriend to kiss you while he's looking. Posts: 21182 | Registered: Sep 2004
| IP: Logged |
posted
I think that while the truth may hurt feelings in the short term, it is so much easier in the long run. I recommend telling him the truth- something very similar to what you've said here. "I feel very uncomfortable around you lately. I would rather not come to your room tomorrow night."
Sacrificing your personal comfort isn't worth the possibility of hurting his feelings. He may get upset and not talk to you anymore, or he may be a man about it and stop acting that way and try to make you feel more comfortable around him. You're such a nice person and it's a stinky situation to be in, but the sting of truth is a small sacrifice for the personal comfort you'll regain when it's over.
Posts: 862 | Registered: Oct 2003
| IP: Logged |
posted
I know you're kidding, kq, but I've got to say it anyway, in case anyone thinks this is actually a good idea. The vast majority of guys this will be a turn-on, not a "Oh, she likes girls, guess I'll cross her off the list."
Posts: 7954 | Registered: Mar 2004
| IP: Logged |
posted
Also, really, I cannot stress enough that I think it's better to be straight-forward and honest in interpersonal relationships and not play silly games or wait for someone to do/say X before you'll do/say Y. That what creates all the threads from boys saying "I thought she liked me, she was acting like she liked me, and then we went out once and she said she didn't want to see me anymore." Be polite, sure, but be honest. This is not necessarily aimed at your particular situation, Raia, just people in general.
Posts: 7954 | Registered: Mar 2004
| IP: Logged |
posted
Ok... I guess you guys are right. Maybe I'll talk to him tomorrow.
The problem is, it's very difficult to catch him when he's not around all my friends... and I don't want to say that in front of ten other people. Especially as one of my good friends, who I'm around a lot, happens to be his twin sister.
Posts: 7877 | Registered: Feb 2003
| IP: Logged |
posted
Raia, you need never give a reason why you can't do something. I side with Miss Manners on this question. I say tell him "no thanks, that's not a good time for me" or "I can't, I'm busy". If he then says "Well, when are you free?" you can say "I'll let you know when it looks like I can." If he makes you uncomfortable, avoid him, sit far from him in the classes you have together. You don't need to say anything explicitly to him at all. He should get the message from the fact that you're always busy and from your body language. When he stares at you, avoid his gaze, or else if it's very bothersome you can look at him with a questioning look like "I beg your pardon, did you have something you wanted to say to me?" When you must be around him, because of your friendship with his friends and family, be brisk with him and rather on the formal side. Don't be warm or effusive toward him. It's a very good thing to learn how to discourage guys implicitly without having to be rude or making them feel horrible.
We've had discussions similar to this before on hatrack, and certainly the standards for polite behavior vary wildly depending strongly on geography and on the norms of your particular social group. But this is how I was taught, how Miss Manners teaches, and what I've found to be universally effective. There's no need to make a general statement that is judgemental of his attractiveness to you as a possible date or boyfriend. You are quite right that you need only respond to what he actually does. If he looks at you in a way that makes you uncomfortable, you can avoid his gaze, or look at him with formal surprise. (Look at him questioningly and sort of blink your eyes pointedly.) If he asks you to do something with him, you can say no thanks. If he asks for your hand in marriage you can decline to give it. To give detailed reasons or general assessments of what you think about him is presumptuous and uncalled for.
posted
This is why I only stare at Raia when she's not looking.
You should never, EVER spend time alone with a guy you don't feel comfortable with.
I agree with everyone here that the polite and direct approach is best.
But if you really cannot bring yourself to confront him, you can try talking to him about some other guy you're interested in, and make sure you finish that conversation with a "I'm so glad I can talk to you, you're just like one of my girlfriends!"
That's the universal signal for "I have absolutely no interest in you, sucka." Posts: 4116 | Registered: Apr 2002
| IP: Logged |
posted
I would probably be uncomfortable being totally honest with him. Personally, I would start treating him like a girlfriend and telling him about every cute guy you like. I think he would get the hint!
edit: I only read through BOH's entire post after I wrote this! Ha! Great minds think alike, yadda yadda yadda...
Posts: 870 | Registered: Mar 2005
| IP: Logged |
posted
I stand with the others : tell him when he makes you uncomfortable. You could even say that you know he doesn't mean to make you feel that way, but that's the way you were taught, or something around those lines.
Posts: 3526 | Registered: Oct 2001
| IP: Logged |
posted
BOH's advice is a good one too. It will force him to either stand back or tell you what he really is about. Posts: 3526 | Registered: Oct 2001
| IP: Logged |
posted
Be as nice and firm as you can. That is, don't lead him on. And try to hurt his feelings as little as you can (you will likely hurt them no matter what you do).
Posts: 1209 | Registered: Dec 2003
| IP: Logged |
posted
I just read your thread. I think you must said him directly what you feel. It is the only solution to stop him quickly. If you wait too many time, the idea you may like it will gain his mind more and more.
Have good day, sweet Shani.
Je t'envoie un baiser de Paris. Posts: 1189 | Registered: Dec 2004
| IP: Logged |
posted
It has been my experience that guys (probably girls, too) have no good purpose in mind if they sit and stare at you without trying to hide it. That is a very big hint that it is time to stop being nice and tell him to cut it out, that it makes you feel uncomfortable, and that you will take it higher if he doesn't stop. But it has also been my experience that he might deny it if you tell him straight out to stop staring at you. You know what he was doing, don't let him play mind games like that with you. The staring is a mind game enough in itself.
At least you are in a position where it is just peer to peer interatction. When I was in this sort of situation, the guy who was doing this was a student in a writing lab I was running on campus, so I had to be nice and give him the benefit of the doubt until I had documented enough questionable behavior for him to be asked to leave the lab section. He was also acting strangely in other ways, and was eventually asked to leave the university. Your problem child might well also be doing this to others, as he did to your friend, so it is better to nip his behavior in the bud before it escalates. Mine escalated, and he began showing up at my other job. It was not a comfortable thing.
Maybe I am overreacting to your situation because mine was so bad. Just be careful, please.
Posts: 2454 | Registered: Jan 2003
| IP: Logged |
posted
So*, I was in the car today, and he called me... he sounded sort of weird, and I was worried. I had told him this morning, "we should invite other people to this movie thing, too! Make it a Blackadder party!" sort of as a gentle hint that I didn't want to be alone in the same room with him.
So anyway, he said "hey Shani... I was thinking about what you said to me this morning, and I just wanted to let you know that I'm not trying to ask you out. I just want to get to know you better, because I think we have a lot in common. I'm not really a "party" kind of guy, I don't like to hang out with people in groups... I like to have a few friends and get really close to them. So I wanted to tell you that, and get it off my chest."
That made me feel better, and more kindly towards him, though I still find him a bit creepy. But maybe that part will pass.
Thanks for all your advice, though, everyone.
Posts: 7877 | Registered: Feb 2003
| IP: Logged |
posted
I don't really sympathize that much with women (or men for that matter) who complain about being pursued by a suitor, yet haven't told the suitor to stop. Almost always, the same behavior they consider annoying from someone they aren't interested in is also the behavior they'd want from someone they ARE interest in. Thus it's not reasonable to expect him to stop doing it until you make it apparent that you aren't interested in him at all.
So, don't play games with him, or tip-toe around the subject, or be overly polite about it, and if you DO decide to do so don't complain if he doesn't get the message. If you want him to get the message, tell him directly, in whatever way you want, so long as he gets the message. Tell him you don't like what he's doing or that you are not interested in him if that was what he was thinking about. Be completely honest and direct, although nice about it, if you can.
Afterwards, if you approach it like that, he'll most likely get the point and you'll be able to stay friends with him in a purely innocent way. Only if he doesn't get the point should you get to the point where you start avoiding him or taking stronger measures that disrupt your life.
I can't imagine he'll get mad at you telling him directly - and if he does I suspect it is far more from being rejected than from any rudeness in the approach.
Posts: 8120 | Registered: Jul 2000
| IP: Logged |
posted
Try talking to your mentor in situation like this - that's what they're trained for, actually. RAs as well - they can give you good advice, and the campus is small enough that they might know the guy.
Also, you can always use me as an excuse - just say that you have to go over to my place for help on art history homework or something (not that I've ever taken art history but...).
And then come over and chill.
Abhi has the whole Mr. Bean collection, yah know. Posts: 2409 | Registered: Sep 2003
| IP: Logged |
posted
I'm not really sure this guy just try to be a close friend. He understood you are not interested by him, but some guys try to slow their coming. But maybe i'm wrong. In doubt, be careful.
posted
I am with Tatiana on this, I think hers is a very wise advice. Yet it is very hard to follow; some people just don't seem to get those nonverbal messages. I think Raia feels uncomfortable around this guy just BECAUSE he doesn't react to her signals. So I would say, follow Tatiana's advice and be very strict about it, and if it doesn't work then he really IS creepy and then it may come to the point you have to be more direct.
posted
I know that he said that he is not trying to date you that he just doesn't like large groups of people, but if you are still uncomfortable listen to that. I would tell him that you understand that he is not trying to date you but that you are not comfortable being alone in a room with a male that you do not know really well. Maybe you can include one or two others in your plans without making it a party.
Posts: 1015 | Registered: Aug 2004
| IP: Logged |
posted
You don't owe this guy anything special, by the way. Just because this guy wants to get to know you better, doesn't mean you are then in any way obligated to spend time with him.
Basic civility, of course, but you don't owe him your self and time with you.
Posts: 14017 | Registered: May 2000
| IP: Logged |
posted
Yeah, Allegra, I think I'm going to try and do that... always invite one or two more people, even if I can't make excuses to avoid him anymore. I've already told my friend Emily about this particular thing, and she said she'll probably come, depending on when it is.
Posts: 7877 | Registered: Feb 2003
| IP: Logged |
quote:I say tell him "no thanks, that's not a good time for me" or "I can't, I'm busy".
This is OBE at this point, but it's worth saying. I think it's even better to say these in an unqualified way: "No, thank you." Nothing about timing or ability. You are not interested, and you are turning down his offer in a polite way. Trying to soften the blow with qualifiers makes it more likely you will have to do the same thing later.
Posts: 26071 | Registered: Oct 2003
| IP: Logged |
posted
As Tatiana said, standards vary widely based on area of the country, social group, and generation. so with no respect intended towards her or Miss Manners, I have to say that her advice is exactly what I was recommending against. Perhaps with a gentleman who also read Miss Manners it would work, but in my experience most college age boys do not fit in that demographic. In fact, I believe most of them would take this: ". . .you can avoid his gaze, or look at him with formal surprise. (Look at him questioningly and sort of blink your eyes pointedly.)" as flirtatious encouragement.
Anyway, sounds like you've got the situation under control, Raia. Good on you, and good on keeping other people involved so it doesn't become a one-on-one thing.
Posts: 7954 | Registered: Mar 2004
| IP: Logged |
Printer-friendly view of this topic
![[Smile]](smile.gif)
![[Wink]](wink.gif)
![[Razz]](tongue.gif)
![[Big Grin]](biggrin.gif)
![[Angst]](graemlins/angst.gif)
Maybe he read this thread and is trying to throw you off! ![[Eek!]](eek.gif)
