quote:An associate of mine attempted to leave a message with his contact at the Pentagon. He discovered that the modern, sophisticated, information sensitive Pentagon—developers of our state of the art missile defense plan, do not have Voice Mail.
To overcome this critical lapse in our national defense, I offer the following voice:
“Welcome to the Pentagon. I am sorry, but all of our generals are busy right now. If you would care to leave a message, please do the following: If you would like to declare war, press 1 now.
If you are calling from a country where we have destroyed one of your planes, fishing boats, embassies, or other non-combative personnel, please press 2 now for our generic apology.
If you are a graduate from the School of the America's, and are now seeking asylum from prosecution for rape, murder, or other war crimes, please press 3 now.
If you wish to sell ridiculously overpriced commodities and non-functioning equipment to the armed forces, please press 4 now. Be prepared to leave your company name, contact, and Swiss bank account number where the "retirement" bonus has been deposited. They will call you back as soon as the amounts have been verified.
If you are from Congress and will force us to purchase equipment we do not need, want, or can in any way use, but that will keep your constituents happy, please press 5 now.
If you wish to buy the right to drive a tank, ship, plane, or other military vehicle, please see the Republican National Party. If you have already donated the appropriate funds, please press 6 now.
If you wish to purchase closed military bases for development or exploitation, please press 7 now. Be warned, few bases are still up for sale. Check with the Parks Department or the Department of the Interior for more lucrative options.
If you wish to report an invasion by aliens, please press 8 now. If these alien are from Mexico, the Caribbean, Asia or worse--Canada, please report them to the INS.
If you are from a previous Soviet country and wish to report the accidental launching of a nuclear warhead aimed at the United States, please press 9 now.
I mean RIGHT NOW!
If you wish to report sexual vulgarity, harassment, or rape by our service men, and are in the US Military--get used to it sweet-cheeks. If you are not with the military, please press the star button. Be prepared, we need all the information you have about the incident. Be assured that proper procedures will be carried out. Those procedures do not include taping the call and placing the incident on the web page WWW.True-Sexxxxxxxxxx.com. Honest they don't.
If you are a spy for the Russian Government, please contact the FBI.
If you are a spy for the Chinese Government, please contact the Department of Energy.
If you are a spy for Israel, please contact the State Department.
All other spies should contact their usual associates at the CIA.
If you do not have a touchtone phone, or wish to speak to a non-com receptionist, press 0 now, or hold on the line. Someone will be with you--eventually.
Its suprising that all of these problems that seemed so important for our nation in 2000, seem so minor now.
Posts: 11895 | Registered: Apr 2002
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posted
"If you wish to purchase closed military bases for development or exploitation, please press 7 now. Be warned, few bases are still up for sale. Check with the Parks Department or the Department of the Interior for more lucrative options."
This made me laugh and cry, Dan. Laugh and cry....
Posts: 499 | Registered: Mar 2004
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