posted
Hi everyone...I'm not new to this board, and though I post infrequently, my boyfriend occasionally reads the topics, and I'm not sure how he would feel about me asking for relationship advice on a public forum, so I'm doing it anonymously.
I desperately need some advice.
We've been dating for just over two years now, and until a few months ago, everything has seemed fine. We got along with eachother, enjoyed the same things, laughed at the same jokes, even discussed marriage (in the long-term - I am 20, he is 22.) Things have changed now, and I'm trying to figure out why and what to do about it, and also how to help my growing depression.
It started with our fights escalating into more and more serious arguments. Previously we would never go to sleep fighting - even if it took hours we would stay up and talk it over and get things resolved. Then we started having unresolvable fights, called eachother names, and I started having panic attacks that resulted in me throwing up from crying/breathing too hard. At first this really concerned him, and he felt terrible about it, but when it started happening more frequently (at least once or twice a week), he started saying that I was doing it to get attention, and that I wasn't really that upset. Basically he stopped caring.
We have always had a relationship of change - both of us had to make a lot of sacrifices and compromises to make it work and to get along, but recently I have started to feel like I'm not the same person that I used to be, and this new person isn't me at all. He asked me to change my beliefs, political views, friendships - and was charismatic enough to make me believe in what he was saying and that his way made more sense than mine. I'm only now beginning to have second thoughts, and realize that I'm not who I used to be and I don't like this new person. I kind of feel like I've been brainwashed. I have to put on an act in front of all of my old friends in order to make them like me, because I know they wouldn't like the "new me" either.
I know I love this man, and he loves me, but I don't know if it's the right kind of love anymore. When we fight now, he says he doesn't care, and threatens to cut me off completely if I don't listen to him. He says my constant crying and drama has numbed him, and he just doesn't feel sorry for me or care about helping me anymore. In his defense, it is usually my fault that we fight - I initiate the arguments, and get very emotional, and usually say things I regret. He always keeps his cool and never gets emotional even when he is furious (which is another things that leads me to be more emotional, I think - it's like arguing with a robot, very frustrating). I can understand why he would be tired of it, but in MY defense, the arguments concern things we have discussed before that hurt me and he makes no effort to change them. He says it's a part of his personality and if I love him enough I can learn to deal with it. This is probably true and I could "deal" with it, but I don't want to live a life like that where I have to deny myself happiness so someone else doesn't have to change something minor. To my way of thinking, if he loves ME enough, he would change minor things that are little to him but enormously important to me. (If this is selfish of me, tell me.)
This thread isn't even so much asking for relationship advice as asking for help for myself (though relationship advice is not unappreciated). I feel deep down that our relationship is coming to a close and it won't work out unless huge changes are made (and I can't see those changes happening.) I'm worried about myself. I have wild mood swings, ranging from extreme happiness and giddiness to depression so terrible that I wish I wasn't alive (I would never consider suicide, though - ending my pain would never be even remotely worth the pain I would cause my family and friends). I just find myself wishing I had never been born. I don't know much about manic depression or bipolar disorder, so I don't know if this matches me. I ONLY get this way around him and because of him. The depression never happens at work, school, or with my family or other friends. I'm failing out of college, but even that doesn't get me down as much as our arguing does. I don't feel truly happy at any time, except those giddy moments, but I never feel that crushing depression unless I'm with him, or have just had an argument with him. He says that I'm bipolar because I fly off the handle for no reason, and my moods change so drastically. He blames all of our problems on me, and sometimes I wonder if maybe there is something chemically wrong with me that makes me so prone to picking fights with him. Even though I think we're fighting about things that need to be discussed, I turn the argument into something huge. We are incapable of having a discussion without me getting upset and eventually barfing in the bathroom.
Also, my family and friends don't know anything about this. They know we are having some trouble, but they have no idea the extent of it. I'm scared to tell them because they worry about me enough as it is, and I don't want any of them hating him, which I know they will. If there is any way to work this out without them finding out about how serious our arguments get, I want to try that first.
This is also a rant to get things off my chest. It weighs on me a lot, keeping this a secret, and I just need somewhere to vent. I know you people at Hatrack are caring folks, and I really didn't know where else to turn for advice. What I've written here is just a brief explanation of what's wrong, and there are a lot more problems than what I've discussed, but I'm just very worried about myself and my health, and need to know if this is ordinary relationship-problem-emotions or if I may need to seek help from a doctor to feel better.
Thank you, and sorry for the enormously long post.
Posts: 3 | Registered: Oct 2005
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posted
You're in college right? I urge you to see a counsellor if they have that service there to talk and deal with those issues. I can't really offer very good advice, as I lack experience with these sort of things and they can look at it from all sorts of angles. But, if you do not mind me asking, just what sort of things do you argue about? Perhaps you could go to councelling together...
Posts: 9942 | Registered: Mar 2003
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posted
I have thought about seeking counselling from the clinic on campus, it's just a matter of finding the time to do it. We have also considered attending counselling together, just haven't taken the idea very seriously. We argue about a lot of stuff...I don't like the way he talks to me about a lot of things - he can be very disrespectful and arrogant. He considers himself better than most people and he's not afraid to admit it, and that drives me crazy. He really has no sense of modesty when it comes to his achievements and accomplishments in life (which are considerable, yes, but he is very stuck-up about it.) I don't like how he acts around other girls - I do trust him not to cheat on me, but it hurts my feelings if he calls another girl pretty or flirts with her, even just a little bit. (I think my extreme jealousy is immature and will change in time, but for now he has no regard for my feelings in this situation - he continues to do it after countless arguments.) We also argue about humor and our interests. He gets offended if I'm not interested in something he likes, anything from music to movies to something scientific he found on the internet. He shows me jokes he finds and I often find them very offensive or just not funny, and so I've asked him to stop trying to share his humor with me, and he again is really offended. It's lot of little things we argue about that should never get to be as huge as they are, our arguments just get ridiculous.
Posts: 3 | Registered: Oct 2005
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posted
If you're having that significant a physical reaction to the situation, I think it's probably safe to say it's time to end the relationship. There isn't any law that says you have to stay together, to work it out, or whatever. That's what you do when you're married. You're not married, and you're very young. It's okay to say that this just isn't working for you. Personally, this sounds unhealthy enough that I think you both need to leave each other alone for a while. Cold turkey, no contact. It sounds like you've both acquired some pretty bad habits in relating to each other that may need to be broken first before you can go back to relating.
I'm curious why you've been keeping this a secret. There's no shame in having relationship problems. Real friends are there to love and help you in tough times, not just look at your happy side and think that's all there is to you. In a way, you've cheated them of the real you by not sharing the truth of your life. That's not to say that you should now go and dump everything on all of them, but it is to say that picking one or two that you really trust and telling them everything that's been going on is probably a good idea and something you need.
I'll be hoping the best for you.
Posts: 5948 | Registered: Jun 2001
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posted
From what you've described, I think you have two reasonable options:
1) Couple's counseling
2) Drop him like a hot potato
If you think the relationship has a chance, and you want to stay with him, choose option one. Otherwise get out now.
Posts: 9866 | Registered: Apr 2002
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posted
I second Jeniwren's advice, with the addition that you might want to stay away from exclusive relationships until, in your own words, you've matured some-- specifically enough to not pick a guy who makes you feel this way. Just my $.02.
Posts: 3846 | Registered: Apr 2004
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posted
You need to make the time for counselling. It sounds like you need it - it can help you figure out if you have a chemical imbalance that needs medical treatment, it can help you learn better communication skills, it can help you learn better coping skills, and it can help you sort out your relationship.
From the little you've described thus far, it sounds to me like he's emotionally manipulative and abusive, and that's not good for any relationship. It also sounds like he's really selfish and it sounds like he expects you to make all the changes while he's not willing to do any himself. This, to me, doesn't sound good for a long term relationship.
While it tends to not work well expecting that you will be able to change the other person over the lifetime of the relationship, it's also not fair for him to try to change you, either. Any change that occurs should be done willingly and not out of emotional manipulation or abuse.
Whether you stay in the relationship or not is a decision only you can make. However, in my opinion, love is not enough to make a relationship work - there must also be compatibility. It can be like picking out which particular package of annoyances, faults, and endearing qualities suits you best. Is your particular package suited to his particular package, and vice versa? Can you see yourself being happy with him the way he is now (because you can't expect him to change) for the rest of your life?
You've changed the person you are to try to be with him, to a person you do not like and will not show to your friends and family because you know they won't like you this way. You say you start all the arguments, but it's because he does things that really bother you and won't even consider changing them. It doesn't matter who's fault it is, it's not a healthy relationship. He wants you to share all his interests and views. . . to my mind he is, intentionally or not, alienating you from your support system so you become dependant on him and can't leave. There are just so many red flags in your description, Snowball. . . at the very least, get away from him and get some breathing room, go to counseling, and decide if you want to stay in a relationship like this for the rest of your life. 'cause quids is right. . . he's not going to change.
Posts: 7954 | Registered: Mar 2004
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posted
I'm with ElJay on this one, the relationship really doesn't sound like it can go anywhere good based on what you're telling us.
I'm not sure counseling will help much but if you're willing to try it you should, personally I've found that dealing with people like your boyfriend is either a "take it or leave it" sort of package. Usually I end up choosing the latter option (friends, girlfriends, doesn't matter who it is) unless they have some very redeeming qualities and having them in my life brings me some sort of happiness. In your case it sounds like you're very unhappy and it's not fair for you to feel like that no matter how much you may love each other.
You deserve better, don't let yourself down by staying in a relationship like that.
Posts: 459 | Registered: Mar 2005
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posted
Also, if you want to talk one on one about it, either by email or on the phone or whatever. . . you can email me through my profile and I have unlimited long distance in the US and Canada and would be more than happy to talk. That includes just listening if that's what you want, or advice. I know you probably know a bit about me, since you're posting under a new name, but I'll say anyway that I'm 32 and female and have been through a number of dating relationships, including one or two that skirted awfully close to the abusive line in the same way yours seems to. Just wanted to let you know the offer is there.
Posts: 7954 | Registered: Mar 2004
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From your concerns that you said you didn't know anything about bipolar/manic depression- I can tell you that from what you described- the so called "mood swings" is definitely not manic depression. Several members of my family are bipolar- and it is nothing like how you've described yourself being. Manic stages is not mean happy or giddy- it means full of really intense energy and then the depression.
Also- about the guy, he sounds like me at a younger age- much more cruel than I should have been, and have been trying to get my own issues with control worked out. I had a relationship for about 2 years- almost two years long, and during arguments and things the girl would get emotional- and I would just shut down my emotions to a pure cold logic and explain to that person in every detail about how they were wrong. She had her own issues with me- most of the time she was too dependent on me, so that's why eventually I broke up with her. Let me tell you something- drop him. Don't bother with him- he sounds to me like he has own issues and takes his wants for control in his life mostly on you, something that cannot exist in a happy relationship. In the end it could be that you're both more happy- especially if you do go cold turkey as was mentioned before- because that puts him into a position where he has to deal with his own problems himself (that's just an assumption- but one I'm willing to put out there as what I believe to be the case) and leaves you free to live a happy, freer life.
Posts: 980 | Registered: Aug 2005
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posted
Thank you all so much for your advice. I'm really not sure at this point if I want to give up hope completely or keep trying, but I do think taking a break is a good idea. We've discussed it before, but never followed through. We always end up calling eachother within a couple of days wanting to get back together. I don't think taking a break and actually sticking to it could cause any harm, and it might actually help. It will at least give me some time to re-evaluate what I'm doing and think clearly without any distractions.
As for why I've been keeping all of this a secret - my friends and family are fiercely protective of me from guys. I went through a couple of bad relationships when I was younger, and ever since then they have been very, very concerned with anyone I date. If they thought even a little bit that he was hurting me for no reason, they would hate him. We have a lot of mutual friends and spend a lot of time with other people, and my friends (though I love them dearly) can be particularly cruel to people they dislike. I don't want to go through that right now, or put him through that. There really would be no way to explain the situation to them without having them encourage me to dump him immediately. And even if we DID work stuff out, they would never think of him in the same way, and probably never truly like him again.
You all are wonderful. Thank you so much for helping me out. You've enabled me to see some things that I might not have been able to see on my own. Your advice is great, thank you. And ElJay, if I need someone to talk to, I know where to turn. Thank you for the offer. Posts: 3 | Registered: Oct 2005
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quote: I'm failing out of college, but even that doesn't get me down as much as our arguing does.
This sentence, along with a few other things you've said, sent up huge warning flags for me.
I think the ultimate issue, the one that will haunt you until you address it, is the selfishness that comes with self-respect. You don't have enough of the latter, and therefore not enough of the former.
Selfishness is to some extent healthy. You should care more about the fact that you're failing out of college than you do about your boyfriend's bad moods. If you do not -- if you are projecting and filtering so much of yourself through this relationship that you are not able to keep these priorities straight -- you need to do that first.
You might be able to do this without dumping him. It might even save the relationship, if he's the kind of rare guy who can relinquish control without desperately grasping. But I think it's more likely that you'll be able to establish a healthy sense of self on your own, unencumbered by duties to other loved ones.
Posts: 37449 | Registered: May 1999
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posted
You've already gotten some wonderfully useful advice here. I wanted to add only one observation:
Depression and getting sick over a breakup of a long term relationship are pretty normal reactions. The reason I too would urge you to seek counseling is that it is interfering with some important things in your life right now -- college in particular.
The guy: dump now and don't look back. Frankly, the relationship is not healthy for YOU and the grieving process you seem to be going through doesn't get that much easier if you have to go through it all again later, or repeatedly with the same person.
I can understand if you give it another try, of course, but my hope is that you find someone who loves you fully. It'll happen. Just probably not with him. He's not sounding like someone who would be ready to work on this relationship. That doesn't make him a bad person necessarily either. Just not very good at communication (at the very least)
Good luck, go talk to a counsellor to get focused on your schooling.
posted
I don't know if I can entirely judge what's going on from your point-of-view alone, but based on what you've said, this is what I'd recommend.
Whether you're staying together or breaking up, you need some time apart from this guy. If he really cares about you, he'll respect that. No contact for a while, purge your system, find yourself again.
I'd also suggest, not necessarily "couples" counseling, but personal counseling. It doesn't sound like you trust your own judgement as to how much of what's going on in your life is due to internal factors and how much is external, and a professional's view could help.
From my own experience, I'd say don't worry too much about your common friends. I had a horrible relationship end once, and feared what our friends thought of me... Only to find out, much later, that our friends understood my ex and the roots of her bad behavior far better than I had imagined.
I have to wonder, reading between the lines, just what has changed for the two of you. Relationships certainly evolve over time, but I rarely see things change so drastically so suddenly without some sort of stimulus.
Posts: 3826 | Registered: May 2005
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quote:He asked me to change my beliefs, political views, friendships - and was charismatic enough to make me believe in what he was saying and that his way made more sense than mine.
Get out as fast as you can. Someone worthwhile will not ask you to change all of yourself, especially just for him.
I also seventh the suggestion of counseling. It's there for a reason, and can be very helpful. You'll be happier. Posts: 26077 | Registered: Mar 2000
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quote:I ONLY get this way around him and because of him. The depression never happens at work, school, or with my family or other friends.
quote: I'm failing out of college, but even that doesn't get me down as much as our arguing does. I don't feel truly happy at any time, except those giddy moments... Also, my family and friends don't know anything about this. ...I'm scared to tell them because they worry about me enough as it is
So how do you think this relationship is NOT affecting the rest of your life? It totally is. You say that your friends will hate him if you tell what problems you are having. I hate to say this but it sounds like you have some pretty immature friends. Loyal, yes, but certainly immature. Their biggest priority should be helping you to be happy, not hating him.
You certainly need to get counseling and not just couple's counseling either. You need counseling for yourself. You say that you feel like you are losing yourself and you don't like that new person. So use counseling to find a way to become the person you want to be. You are so young and this change in personality is part of growing up, but if you don't like that change, you have to do something about it. That something may be leaving this guy (who does sound pretty bad) but that may not solve the problem. After you leave him, what will you do if you still feel horrible? And you certainly can't wait especially if you are failing out of college. Get help now, either through school or church or a sliding scale counseling center or even a trusted friend or family member. I married into this type of relationship at your age and it took me years to leave him and to build myself back up. You sound like you know there is a problem; now you just have to make fixing it a priority.
Posts: 1319 | Registered: Jul 2005
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