posted
I can not exlpain the pride I feel as I look at the sheet of paper next to me on my left with a few doodles. Those doodles were made in a weird period of my life (the period 3 weeks ago), and they were purly creative drawings.
Let me explain.
I had slipped somehow out of logic.
No, already I am lying. It was not somehow. It was because I wanted to. It was because I was lost, not sleeping well, hurt, sexless, alone, scared, frightened. It was because I felt like everything around me had crashed.
I wanted to stop feeling. Then I wanted to stop thinking. Then I wanted to stop thinking and feeling until I reached the point where I was feeling something so good that it was ok to feel again.
And so my mind started to search for that goal. It knew there were things that would fulfil it.
What I mean by that is that I knew how to self-hypnotize. I did it automatically, actually, having meditated for 7 years every night going deeper and deeper into my own mind. And this is perhaps the stupidist thing you can do; enter your own mind because...it is not supposed to be broken into.
It wants you. It has traps everywhere. You can't tell it to do something; it will laugh at you and say how to do it? And if you don't tell it exactly what you want, it will get it any way possible, and if you are in pain when you ask your mind for something, it will give it to you in a painful way.
And the worst part about it is that the mind will never give you an answer that is logical unless you ask it to do so.
So I asked it for solace and it said "**** someone."
And I said who.
My mind considered the options. It chose a person. "If you sleep with him, then that will satisfy the pain you are feeling because you feel unsatisifed, ugly and ungirly. It will mean, at the same time, that you have become a slut though and --"
the pain told me to go with this option and so I shut my mind off and forced myself out of the meditation. I knew, however, what the consequences of my actions would be and I felt myself shutting off emotionally and logically as I saw him and start to change my body moves to satisfy him. I was becoming nothing more than a slut of his, but this is what I had wanted and my mind was giving it to me because I had asked it that.
This is the terror of going too far into your mind. It -- mine at least, and this is probably my own deepest fault, sees everything as being sexual, and there it is, the problem I have, that I am a demented person -- not demented in the insane way, but demented in the way of a delusioned person that can't help but feel deep down inside that everything is sexual.
I am always seeing things deep down as being sexual. I hate to admit it, but this is the truth, and I worry more and more that deep down, most people aren't like that, that deep down, most people really believe other people are good, people are not sexual.
And I could change that about myself but I don't want to because that is just who I am.
posted
And I'm scared to love. I love a few guys but I'm so scared of letting them know me because I know myself and I know I'm not that great and I know that they will see through me and why would they want if they see through me? They must just want me because of sex or something like that or they must want me to hurt my feelings...
Oy, and that is my terror.
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