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Without going into too much detail, I work in an office setting that focuses on social services for the working poor, and my unit deals primarily with early childhood education and family support. Other units deal with domestic violence, sexual assault, food banks, energy assistance, etc.
I tend to be fairly outspoken. I also tend to back it up with research, fact, etc. This (apparently) is rather irritating for the majority of folks I work with - no matter how carefully I phrase it. As time goes by, I am notably less careful. Because, not only are they irritated by my pointing certain things out, I am irritated by them ignoring the same things.
In some way, I MUST learn to just keep my mouth shut and do my job. Not because I am wrong (I really don't think I am) - but because I absolutely MUST keep a job in this particular system - for the sake of the child I am raising.
Until and unless I can find something comparable.
But, I need to figure out ways of not burning my bridges, of just keeping my mouth shut, of just carrying on . . .
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I am a music student. I have one class, actually several, in which there is this girl, who is very talent, yet also VERY disrespectful of, well everyone. She makes innapropriate comments, out of place and awkward for everyone, and she laughs outloud and long at all her own little jokes and observations, which she loves to share every time we have class.
No-one ever says anything, but she wastes a great deal of class time asking questions which are not related to the subject, then engaging the proffessors in mindless banter, and carrying on for LONG periods, until the professor finally pushes on despite her.
It would be easier to criticise her and ask her to stop, except that she is Black. By this I mean to say that she reminds you, immediately that she is black with some comment about race if you ask her to be quiet. In light of a race comment, it becomes impossible to continue and reasonably ask her to allow others to LEARN. This is highly frustrating, but an situation with NO solution as far as I can see.
So I understand Shan, sometimes people make obvious horrible mistakes, and then stupidly dissalow anyone from criticising them. These people are the antithesis of progress in our society as far as I can see. It has nothing to do with race, religion or whether your smart or stupid, this kind of relationship with the world makes life hard for everyone but that one person.
What are we to do about things like that?
Posts: 9912 | Registered: Nov 2005
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posted
Shan, I've found that having a mantra-- "For the sake of my job, for the sake of my job", whatever-- that I zone out for a minute and repeat until I can keep quiet helps.
That, and coming onto Hatrack later and posting about how stupid people bother me.
Posts: 21182 | Registered: Sep 2004
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quote: It would be easier to criticise her and ask her to stop, except that she is Black. By this I mean to say that she reminds you, immediately that she is black with some comment about race if you ask her to be quiet. In light of a race comment, it becomes impossible to continue and reasonably ask her to allow others to LEARN. This is highly frustrating, but an situation with NO solution as far as I can see.
When somebody plays their race/religion/orientation card in a situation that has nothing to do with race/religion/orientation, the only reasonable way to continue is to call them on it. Shrug and say "And what does that have to do with you disrespecting the rest of the class?"
But if you are a student and this is a classmate, it would really be the professor's place to do something about it if it's as big of a problem as it sounds. You could talk to the professor about not getting as much as you'd like out of the class because of disruptful students and off-topic discussion, without necessarily having to single out the individual.
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Maybe you could make a game of it? Give yourself some kind of prize for everytime you don't say something you really want to. Or maybe give yourself a point for everytime and when you hit a certain number of points you can buy yourself something bigger. Hopefully you'll get so caught up in the game that you'll break the habit.
Also, for a while I wrote down in a notebook everything I wanted to say in class but didn't. It wasn't a particularly helpful method for me, but it might work for you. The method I did find helpful was not allowing myself to say anything unless it was the most brilliant thing said that no one else would think of, but that doesn't seem like it's a problem in your case.
My problem is that I'm really impatient, and I hate waiting while everyone in the class waits for someone else to raise their hands and answer the question. So I just answer it right away to get things moving again. As you can imagine, this doesn't make me particularly popular with the professor or with the other students.
Posts: 4655 | Registered: Jan 2002
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I never thought of you as an argumentative person, Shan. But that might be because we share similar political views and you've charmed me with your cookies.
When I'm forced to work with people I really dislike, I try to think of myself as a reporter instead of a coworker.
Instead of presenting my own ideas, I just keep asking them objective, open-ended questions about their ideas. More often than not, after learning more about the other person's POV, I find that I can always find some common ground with the other person.
I also second blacwolve's idea about writing things down. Blogs are great for venting your work-related problems; just make sure you don't get writing in it at work, though. Nothing is more embarrassing than getting caught typing "I work with idiots" in your blog as your boss walks by your cubicle. Posts: 4116 | Registered: Apr 2002
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I used to do the same thing - referred to it as "crusading". I still have the urge to do it, but what I do to stop it is I just look at everything in perspective. Why am I there? Just how important is this particular battle?
Usually, the answer is, I'm there to get a paycheck, and this battle isn't important at all.
Posts: 561 | Registered: Feb 2005
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Oooohhhh, blacwolve - I think I'll keep track of keeping my mouth shut for a prize. How many points do I give myself for achieving that goal? How many points would it take to say, earn the right to purchase a hard cover book that I want?
Orincoro - I'm sure sorry you are suffering through that. Yuck. What a power play. I'm trying to think of how obnoxious I might seem to my colleagues (although I am really NOT so argumentative as to rudely interrupt and take center-stage, I swear.) I think I get tagged because I remind them of what they'd rather not be reminded of - the people they are supposed to serve and are so removed from.
KQ - I think I'll try both those things.
Beren - you're such a tonic. Yes, I'll send you more cookies - after all, the holidays are upon us! Investigative journalism, eh? I'll try.
tern - you're right - it is crusading. I guess I need to decide if I really need to be the one doing it? Or are there just certain parts that I think are important enough to crusade on? And let the rest go?
de Spang - how did you're train yourself to the stop and think (and swallow) reaction? It's the knee-jerk reaction I need to stop . . .
I guess the rub for me with this job is that it really does matter in the long run. You see, I know the people we are serving. It's not so long ago that I was one of those people. And stupid decisions at the top ultimately affect those people the programs are designed to serve. And I care.
I just need to keep my mouth shut a little more often, focus on the good things, and remember that through the grace of God, many supportive people, and lots of hard work, I am no longer in poverty. Not far away, perhaps - but no longer making decisions between food and heat, rent and transportation to work, medicines and food . . .
Posts: 5609 | Registered: Jan 2003
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You are lucky, in a way. It is great that your job means so much to you. Not many people finds so much purpose in their chosen professions. Posts: 4116 | Registered: Apr 2002
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It took years to curb that behavior. I came by it honestly, as one whole side of my family is intelligent, but outspoken, people who don't let other people bs them.
Posts: 5462 | Registered: Apr 2005
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I have a similar problem, but one that deals with family instead of coworkers. I can't seem to resist saying something when my parents do something that I disagree with.
I'm much better at it than I used to be. I bite my tongue, literally. Not hard - just enough to remind myself that if I open my mouth, the discomfort will be increased. Posts: 1069 | Registered: Feb 2005
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Abraham Lincoln apparently used to write angry letters and then never send them.
Perhaps you could keep a tally of how many times you've had to stifle yourself- a sort of quiet reminder that _you're_ aware of your co-workers stupidities, but you're big enough not to point them out on a daily basis?
Then, when you leave the job, you can show them the tally and tell them what it means. Or not.
Posts: 3826 | Registered: May 2005
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Yeah, some real doosies he wrote to some of his generals surfaced a few years back.....pretty strong stuff, really. Posts: 15082 | Registered: Jul 2001
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The letter thing is a great idea. My wife and I have done that before...the first draft of her letter of resignation read, "Dear ***, it is with great pleasure that I tender my resignation."
Posts: 561 | Registered: Feb 2005
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How many points do I give myself for achieving that goal? How many points would it take to say, earn the right to purchase a hard cover book that I want? ![[Kiss]](graemlins/kiss.gif)
Yes, I'll send you more cookies - after all, the holidays are upon us! Investigative journalism, eh? I'll try. 
