posted
*sigh* So my sort-of boyfriend has cancer. Cancer on his heart. The size of a baseball. And he doesn't want anyone to know. So I'll tell you guys, since you don't know him and mostly likely won't ever meet him. So our relationship is odd. He's bi, has two small kids from a previous marriage, and is in the closet to almost all his family. I would actually date him seriously, but he won't come out and is busy with his kids and doesn't see the point of coming out when it would cause so much trouble. So we hang out once or twice a month and have fun.
Won't go much farther than it is now. But we've been "going out" for 3 years now.
I'm like "crap! I'll come to the hospital." And he says "No, I don't want visitors or anyone but my family to know."
He's always like that... very very private. He doesn't even want his family there. On one hand I can understand... medical privacy and all that... but on the other this is really really serious. Everyone I know would be screaming for people to be at their side. He wants no such thing. That is a little alien to me.
I think that he is scared and embarrassed at his condition. He feels vulnerable and wants no one to know that he is mortal. He also has a competitive job that deals with money and is worried that people will take advantage of this. And I'm sure this is just normal for him... he never wants visitors at work for instance. So he needs to work on this and is in the same mindset.
His folks brought his young daughters to visit and he get dressed and they made them think dad was just going to be really busy at work for a few weeks. Is that good? They are like 4 and 5. I guess kids that young wouldn't any way of coping with the truth. Best not to have worry... but at the same time all this secrecy feels weird for me.
*sigh* This has been a real stressful month and this is just icing on the cake... my other friend Mike's mom died just before Thanksgiving bringing some flashbacks of my own Mom's death and I'm stressing over the loss of my home in the next month or two.
[ November 30, 2005, 04:54 AM: Message edited by: Telperion the Silver ]
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I don't know if I'd do that with the kids but then - who knows. If I was in that situation and I had such young children, maybe I'd change my mind.
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posted
You know... if he gets better and does the low key chemo stuff then all this hiding won't have an impact... but if it goes badly or there are complications...
If something goes wrong should I just go there? He told his own Mom not to spend the night at the hostpital when he has surgery. That's fine for him... but what about her? What if she wants to? If someone I loved was in peril I would want be there... not just for them but for me.
Russ said that he doesn't see the point for people to come becuase they'll just get in the way or that showing up isn't really worth anything. It's almost like he doesn't trust their intentions. So frustrating!
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Dealing with someone closeted can be really difficult. It's hard enough in routine day-to-day things, but especially so during life's more stressful events. I feel for you. Many closeted gay men often develope a life-habit of secrecy even in things not directly related to their homosexuality. You can bet there are a whole host of things your friend is feeling but is not expressing.
I wouldn't be surprised if his feeling about visitors in the hospital weren't born of a mix of fear of being discovered, dislike of being the center of attention, and probably even some self-hatred. I wish that I had some practical advice for you, but the best I can do is encourage you to empathize with his situation and respect his wishes to the degree you feel you can. What he needs more than anything is to be honest with himself and come out of the closet. He will find that a whole host of things that seem out of joint in his life will fall into place once he learns to relate to people honestly.
(((Telp)))
Send me an email if you want to chat privately. Or post here, of course. Posts: 6394 | Registered: Dec 1999
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Even respecting his wishes to leave him closeted, there's nothing stopping a friend from showing up to visit. But ultimately it'l be up to him, for good or ill.
I wish you both luck.
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I'm sure he is very scared right now, and some people isolate themselves when they're in pain or frightened. Me, I'm the opposite, I need people around me when I'm hurting.
He probably is worried about his job situation, because dealing with cancer is a full time job in itself, trust me. If I worked I don't know how I'd still have a job, I can't imagine being able to work around all the doctor's appointments and the days when you're too sick or in pain to work. In addition to the cancer itself he's dealing with a ton of emotional issues related to it, add in the fear of losing a job with small kids to take care of - I can't imagine.
I wish I could offer some help, Hon. I'm just sorry it happened. You have us here for you, if you want to talk more about it lean on us. I know how wonderful hatrack support is during a difficult time.
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posted
Telp I'm sorry to hear this, I know it might not be much but I'll keep him in my thoughts this week.
He might not want friends there but you can always try to talk to him on the phone, it might help you also, I kind of know what your feeling, not being able to help him, but atleast try to talk with him on the phone for both your sakes.
You'll be in my thoughts this week.
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posted
Oh how horrible! I wish strength to you and a full recovery to your boyfriend. My sympathies to you and your boyfriend on the difficult situation.
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posted
I wanted to offer my prayers to you and your boyfriend.
I also wanted to comment on keeping this from his kids. I think he's making a mistake. Kids can handle much more then some adults give themn credit for, and no matter what isn't said those girls know something is up.
posted
Telp, I hope he's okay. He and his little ones are in my thoughts. Don't forget to take care of yourself, too. You've had a lot to deal with this past year.
I agree with the others about his unwillingness to tell his family. And now with him being sick, keeping secrets can cause undo stress he doesn't need. But (there is always one isn't there), he is a grown man, and he gets to decide when and if he tells.
posted
Thanks guys. Long live the Hatrack sounding board and support group.
I felt alot better today... and I bet that was from all the positive energy you guys were sending my way. Peace.
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I agree with Chris, if your boyfriend agrees (of course): there's nothing wrong with friends visiting friends. I have to imagine that would be horribly uncomfortable, but (is this correct to say?) you may have to show your support in a way that your friend can accept in public.
Belle, I'm really curious what more you have to say about this, since you are going through the same/similar thing.
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posted
oh honey, I'm sorry to hear that. You were telling me about him this summer over at the farm. I hope your ok, and he for that fact. Sorry babe. Loves ya
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posted
Prayers for his recovery and a big hug for you <<<<<Telpy>>>>>. I do agree that the kids will know eventually, and they may feel betrayed that they weren't told. Kids are smart. But whatever choices he makes about things, they're his to make, and all you can do is support him and let him know you care about him.
Take care of yourself, too. How are you handling the stress and the sorrow? Be good to yourself.
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Oh, and btw testicular cancer is one of the cancers with the best survival rates! Don't forget cyclist Lance Armstrong had testicular cancer metastasized to the brain just a few years ago.
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posted
I'm so sorry. Like Theaca said, even metastasized testicular cancer can be survivable, he probably has a good chance.
I understand the deal about the nausea, but remind him to talk to his oncologist, there is so much they can do now. I got anti-nauseas through the IV and I also have a prescription at home and mine has been pretty much under control so far. Just a few times when it was really bad.
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posted
I don't know if it will be any help, but the way I look at the situation regarding my kids is this. Hiding things from kids almost never works. They have to know something is going on. Not talking about it and keeping it from them will probably make them imagine things to be even worse than they are.
So I tell my kids the truth, or the most age-appropriate truth. We don't shy from the word "cancer" and I let them see my scars from surgery and they have seen my port and the portable pump I wear for chemo. I think knowledge makes it easier to bear. My five year olds have done beautifully. They had some fears at first, but now are reassured. Abigail checks on my surgery scar periodically, to make sure it's getting better. Daniel reminds everyone that comes over that they can't pull out the IV tubing connected to my port because if it comes out Mommy has to go back to the hospital.
I truly believe involving them is better than hiding it. Of course, he's their father and it's his decision. I wish him well.
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