posted
Is there any possible way to convince a person to leave a bad situation?
My little sister is an adoreable 25 year old, who has been dating a guy for 3 years. He's not physically or sexually abusive, he's just a jerk. He calls her stupid and tells her that she isn't smart enough to raise children. The other day he called me a "fatso" and after the initial shock, I wondered how many times he'd hurt my sister since she weighs more than I and I'm nearly 5 months pregnant.
She wants to marry him, but he won't because he wouldn't have any money to play if they did.(That's the reasons she said he gave when she asked) Right now he is 30 and living off of his parents.
He makes her pay for her own dates and brags about it to others. Once they broke up and he called and said that he wanted to make it up. He said, "Why don't you come over for some pizza?" She said, "Sure." and he said, "Great! Go pick some up and we'll talk." He has no money for her ever, yet he can spend hundreds of dollars to travel to California and Florida for paintball tournaments. After three years of never doing anything for her for Valentine's, he finally told her this year that it's because he believes that it's a crap holiday for the stores to make money. So, now she calls it a crap holiday, too.
My little sister has always only wanted to be a wife and mommy. This is the only person she has ever dated, so she is fearful to let go. She hates change and has very low self-esteem. She has always been afraid to make decisions, and if I press her too hard, she cries. If I talk to her long enough, she will admit that he treats her badly and that she comes last in his priorities, but I can't convince her to let go of him.
Is there anything that can be done? Or do we just sit and watch the continual drama as he tears and wears her down?
Posts: 240 | Registered: Jan 2001
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posted
You can tell her that you love her, that she is lovable, that she is attractive, deserves better, and that someone else out there will love her for who she is and not mistreat her. (In other words, the truth.) Be her sister. Be there for her even when she makes stupid choices.
Other than that, I wouldn't try to pry her away, it might just create tension between the two of you. I'm sorry. Posts: 21182 | Registered: Sep 2004
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I can empathize. I know how it feels to want to just shake them and go "you're smarter than this!!!!!" But from my experience with a younger sibling who was being equally (though differently) stupid, there is nothing you can do to convince them to stop their stupid and self-destructive behaviour. I'll echo KQ in that the best thing you can do is to make sure she knows you love her. It's ok for her to know that you don't like her choices, but that you love her anyway. Eventually, she will hopefully come around. I know my brother is on his way to being less stupid after about a year or so. I wish you luck with your sister. Posts: 5879 | Registered: Apr 2001
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Put together a group of songs dealing with female empowerment and self-worth, not to mention lousy men, load them onto an I-Pod and give them to her.
There are many great C&W songs on this subject, from "I Shaved My Legs For This" to "Girls Lie Too". I know other types of music have strong women performers who vocalize this thought even better, but can't think of any right now.
Posts: 11895 | Registered: Apr 2002
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I do tell her often that I love her and that she is good and attractive and intelligent.
But, I don't live at home and I don't see her as often as he does, so I feel like she gets more of the other messages. I stopped telling her that she deserves better because it Was causing friction, which is why I'm ranting because I feel helpless and it drives me insane to just sit and watch.
The other problem is that we see less and less of her because he doesn't think we are good influences for her. (ie. we don't like him).
I hadn't thought of the music idea. hmmm....
Posts: 240 | Registered: Jan 2001
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I wish I could tell you something other than "I'm sorry for your sister", Pepperuda... Maybe you could tell her that if this toad was going to turn into a prince he would have done so many kisses ago....
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Slight digression. . . the year I got engaged, for Christmas my brother gave me a fat, plush, stuffed frog with a crown on its head. There was a note attached, that said something along the lines of "In case you wanted to try one more time before making up your mind. . ." I thought it was hilarious, and gave it a great big kiss. My fiance was a bit offended, and thought it meant Enig didn't like him. I told him no, I was pretty sure it was just a joke. I've still got the frog sitting around, and after we broke up, it became a particularly amusing reminder of what was almost a huge mistake on my part.
Maybe do something like that, that will make her laugh, but kinda stay in the back of her mind and hopefully grow there?
Posts: 7954 | Registered: Mar 2004
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One thing you can do is introduce her to some nice guys, or several couples who have great relationships. She needs more models that show this isn't right.
In the end it is her choice, of course, so one thing you can do to show her that you think she's smart and capable is to make it totally clear that you support her choice, whatever it might be, and that you have confidence in her ability to choose the best life for her own happiness. It's hard when you're far away to be able to do as much as I know you would wish to do.
Posts: 6246 | Registered: Aug 2004
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If you haven't already, I would show her some info on healthy vs. abusive relationships . She probably won't want to hear it, but she needs to be aware that his putdowns and attempts to isolate her are signs of abuse.
And, like everyone else said, just keep loving her. You can't make her choices for her. All you can do is be there for her, especially when she's had enough.
Posts: 3149 | Registered: Jul 2005
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