posted
So, as most of you know, I turned 19 yesterday. Well, a friend of mine and I start talking on AIM and he decides to take me out for some italian ice cream. He tells me the place closes at 1:00a, and it was 11:30p so I go and get myself ready. Well, about five minutes after he said that it closed at one, he messages me again and tells me that it was midnight instead. At that time, however, I was already away from my computer and in the shower. The place closed and we didn't know what to do. So, I tell him, why don't you take me to Longs instead and just buy me some candy and ice cream? He agrees. So, I we go to the store and when we are at checkout, he places his things seperate from mine. He expected me to pay for my own things when it was he who invited me in the first place and I was the birthday girl. I didn't say anything, but when I noticed that he wasn't taking out the cash, I took out my wallet and handed the only 7 dollars I had left. So, he was going to take me for italian ice cream ONLY BECAUSE, for some business arrangements, ITS FREE FOR HIM. Now, I cannot say that I shouldn't be too hard on him because maybe he didn't have the money or something, however, if he didn't then he shouldn't have invited me in the first place.
I can't believe I had to pay for his birthday gift to me.
When I got home and explained what happened to Debbie, she understood me perfectly well and tried to cheer me up a bit. She said that she would be just as pissed off as I was. I'm just SO angry at what he did. Any anger management suggestions? I fear I might go postal.
posted
Wow. I agree that what this guy did was completely out of line. You have every right to be angry at him...
HOWEVER...
I'd suggest getting over it, one way or another. If this is a friend you'd like to keep, don't let the actions circulating around a mere $7.00 ruin it. If you hold a grudge over this, then it will just fester into something you don't want to see. If you talk it over with him, you may say things you'll regret later. If you want to still be friends, drop it, accept his cheapness as a fact of life (face it, he's not going to change easily), and continue to be friends.
On the other hand, if this isn't a friend you'd like to keep, then what's the big deal? Forget about the 7 bucks and move on. If he invites you out later, politely turn him down.
As for anger management, here's my advice.
Recognize (using calm, rational thought), that anger won't improve the situation in any way here. Determine what you want to get out of the situation (a. $7.00, b. keeping a friend, c. freedom from said friendship, d. both A and B, or e. both A and C), and then go from there, anger free.
Let's face it though. Your 7 bucks have probably just gone the way of the Dodo.
Posts: 1099 | Registered: Apr 2005
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That's the only part of this where you were wrong. He's definitely not a friend.
It's fine to be angry, but realize that this has been an excellent illustration of his genuine regard for you.
I look back on the worst choices in friends I've ever made, and all of them had earmarks of this kind of "friendship".
Posts: 5948 | Registered: Jun 2001
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posted
I guess that more than anger, what I have is hurting. As the topic says, "how could he do that to me?!" I really don't care much about the money, as you said 7 bucks ain't that much. I just couldn't believe that he had done that. I had told him that my birthday wasn't going so fun, that is why he invited me. He actually screwed things a whole lot more.
Posts: 3389 | Registered: Apr 2004
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posted
Personally, I'd talk to him about it. Otherwise, you'll always wonder what the deal was when you interact with him. Honestly, I'd want to know what the heck he was *thinking*.
Sorry it happened. Belated Happy Birthday!
Posts: 7050 | Registered: Feb 2004
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posted
Maybe I'm missing something, but wasn't it you who invited him to go to the place you actually ended up going? Like you said, he was planning on letting you tag along on his discount at the other place, but when it was closed and you suggested somewhere else he probably just figured you could go dutch.
The only problem I see is that you had to pay for something on your birthday and you weren't expecting to have to, but hey, it happens. I get that you expect him to pay because he invited you, but maybe he didn't have the money, or he just spaced it. Then again, he may just be rude.
Posts: 5462 | Registered: Apr 2005
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posted
Rude and uncaring and completly devoid of common sense. Maybe I should talk to him about it, but not anytime soon because I need to cool off first. If I talked to him about it now, I would only bite off his neck and play around with his blood. >:]
Posts: 3389 | Registered: Apr 2004
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quote:Originally posted by El JT de Spang: Maybe I'm missing something, but wasn't it you who invited him to go to the place you actually ended up going? Like you said, he was planning on letting you tag along on his discount at the other place, but when it was closed and you suggested somewhere else he probably just figured you could go dutch.
I don't think she knew about his discount at the other place. I mean, if someone offers to take me out to dinner and suggests O'Henry's, and I'd rather have Miyako's, I still figure that I'm being taken out to dinner.
posted
It sounds like a simple misunderstanding to me. I can understand being mildly annoyed, but you're definitely way overreacting. Chill out a bit and give him the benefit of the doubt.
Posts: 4292 | Registered: Jan 2001
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posted
Dude, he should've at least offered to pay for part of it rather than trying to get free ice cream out of the birthday girl. I don't care if it's a guy *or* a girl. This is just normal social courtesy. I would be ashamed of myself, personally.
I really do think that after you talk to him about it, you will feel better. Cooling off first is a good idea, though. Posts: 7050 | Registered: Feb 2004
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posted
I think you should drop him. Then just put it out of your mind and don't hold a grudge, but learn whatever lessons about friendships that you can learn from this, and put it behind you. If he wants to talk about it, like if he wonders why you are always unable to go anywhere when he asks you from now on, then he can ask "Did I do something wrong?"
If he does that (which I expect he won't) then I would discuss it with him and tell him how you feel. But otherwise I would just let it (and him) go.
Posts: 6246 | Registered: Aug 2004
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posted
People honestly think this is worth losing a friend over? He didn't expect her to pay for his stuff. If I read it correctly, he paid for his and she for hers. Sure, it would have been nice and appropriate for him to buy hers, but they were at an actual store with a checkout, and I can see how he may have misunderstood what she expected.
Posts: 4292 | Registered: Jan 2001
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quote:Dude, he should've at least offered to pay for part of it rather than trying to get free ice cream out of the birthday girl.
I think you're misreading. He paid for his, and she paid for hers. She didn't pay for him, she paid for herself.
Posts: 5462 | Registered: Apr 2005
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posted
I have to agree, this isn't worth losing a friend over. He misunderstood, or you misunderstood, the type of outing this was going to be. If it wasn't really a date, just two friends, why should he pay for yours? If some friends took me out on my birthday I'd still pay for my lunch. Heck, I paid for the whole office at work to have free lunch on my birthday last summer.
Oh, the birday present part. Is he really that close a friend that you just naturally expected a $7 gift from him? Do you expect it from all your other friends? Think about that for a minute.
posted
OK, JT, I was misreading. It isn't as bad as I thought. I think it is an understandable misunderstanding.
Posts: 7050 | Registered: Feb 2004
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quote:Originally posted by Altáriël of Dorthonion: ... he decides to take me out for some italian ice cream. ... So, I tell him, why don't you take me to Longs instead and just buy me some candy and ice cream? He agrees.
If this is an accurate retelling of the conversation, then he's simply a jerk. Without direct quotes, though, it's impossible to know whether it might have been a misunderstanding instead.
Posts: 326 | Registered: Aug 2005
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posted
I once told a girl I was dating I'd buy her some clothes. When we got to the store I bought a bunch of stuff and completely forgot I was going to pay for her things. When we were getting into my car I remembered and felt like a complete ass. I made it up to her later - I know this is just anecdotal.
This instance aside, how 'good' a friend is this guy? It would stink to loose him over something so small if he's been there for you in the past.
On a side note, one of my great friends happens to be terribly, terribly cheap. I mean, unless I was starving I wouldn't expect this guy to help me out financially. Yet he's been as great a friend as I could ask for.
Posts: 367 | Registered: Apr 2004
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There was probably some kind of misunderstanding - either his or yours. When he said "go out" did he actually say he would pay for you?
Posts: 155 | Registered: Apr 2005
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quote:Originally posted by El JT de Spang: If I offer to take a girl to Chile's and she counters with Ruth Chris, we're going dutch.
But in this case, they were talking about ICE CREAM. Not steaks.
Also, I once had a guy tell me he'd buy me clothes. Well, not clothes. He'd ruined my favorite shirt by getting bleach on it, and I was really mad, and I told him it was a really expensive shirt, and I loved it. He offered to buy me a new one.
When we got to the store and I found the shirt, he flipped out when he realized that it had a $50 price tag (it was a long-sleeved tshirt). And then he refused to pay for it and told me that there was something wrong with me because he got all of his shirts for $5 at thrift stores.
I tried to tell him that that wasn't the point. He'd destroyed a shirt for which I'd paid $50. This escalated into me apparently being a gold digger, despite the fact that I always paid for myself.
quote:Originally posted by El JT de Spang: The restaurant analogy was your idea. I'm just responding to it.
I realize that, but your response isn't equivalent.
As far as we know, there is no significant difference in price between the two different ice cream places. It's not at ALL like Chili's vs. Ruth Chris.
posted
Sorry about this, I can see your frustration. If your friend is your age/college age, perhaps funds are tight. But still, if it is a date thing, he should have offered to pay for some portion.
Have a happy birthday anyway, and take the advice of others and don't lose a good friendship over this.
By the way, from the Ruth Chris website:
I had to google Ruth Chris as I had never heard of this place. I was surprised that people would pay up to $9.00 for a piece of lettuce!!
"Lettuce Wedge A crisp wedge of iceberg lettuce on field greens with your choice of dressing. $8.95 / $5.95 "
Posts: 38 | Registered: Jun 2005
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posted
Doesn't change the fact that your restaurant analogy still doesn't apply. The guy gets free ice cream at the place he suggested. So it's free vs. pay.
I think the whole thing is a misunderstanding anyway. Just don't see any reason for some guy to get killed here when he may not have done anything wrong.
Posts: 5462 | Registered: Apr 2005
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posted
I pay my way on my own birthday. I guess it depends on the understanding... I definately do not think it's worth getting that angry over. He didn't pay, but you went out together. Isn't it the company that is really the gift?
quote:Lettuce Wedge A crisp wedge of iceberg lettuce on field greens with your choice of dressing. $8.95 / $5.95
I think it's actually a salad with other vegetables, but it does make it sound like it's just a single lettuce leaf.
Posts: 8473 | Registered: Apr 2003
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posted
Speaking from experience, it's probably a large cross-section cut from a head of iceburg lettuce sitting on a bed of dainty-type greens with a few other veggies and dressing. It's considered a "classic" salad and is served at many high-end steakhouses.
I, also, think you're overreacting, but that's what freshman year is for. Whatever you end up deciding regarding this particular friend, I highly recommend always expecting to pay your own way. Then you can be pleasantly surprised and gracious when someone offers to pay for you. As a matter of politeness, of course, you should then be sure you offer to treat them the next time you are out.
Posts: 7954 | Registered: Mar 2004
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posted
I suppose it's possible that instead of being a cheapskate, he had only exactly enough money to pay for one person to get ice cream. When the venue changed he found himself in an embarrassing situation. I think the noble thing to have done would have been to pretend he suddenly was too full to eat anything, when they arrived at the restaurant, then pay for hers. If she then discovered why he had done that, because he was broke and wanted to treat her on her birthday, but couldn't afford to buy ice cream for them both, then he would have ended up the conquering hero of the day, instead of the creep.
Alas, in the end, that didn't occur to him, for whatever reason. Probably because what he wanted just mattered more to him than treating her on her birthday. So I do think it shows something about how he regards their friendship. And I would definitely not accept his invitations in the future, though I would give him a chance to wonder why and ask. I just don't think he ever will. You know?
It's totally not about the money, I agree. Money matters nothing compared to friendships. I do think that what he did reveals something important about how he regards their friendship, and I would act on that knowledge.
Posts: 6246 | Registered: Aug 2004
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posted
I really don't think this guy is a creep! I really don't! I mean, he may be a creep aside from this but this incident does not an automatic creep make.
Posts: 8473 | Registered: Apr 2003
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posted
Tatiana, they didn't go to a restaurant. They went to a grocery store, and each picked out what they wanted, and he put his stuff seperately from hers at the checkout lane. Really, it's probably a misunderstanding. If he picked up a pint of ice cream, expecting them to share it, and she picked up other stuff that she wanted, too, he very well might think she was the one acting unreasonably.
Posts: 7954 | Registered: Mar 2004
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posted
I don't either! Without seeing their AIM conversation and phone conversation, I have to give him the benefit of the doubt. After all, I'm sure he wasn't trying to be a jerk on purpose.
Posts: 1014 | Registered: Jul 2005
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quote:Originally posted by El JT de Spang: Doesn't change the fact that your restaurant analogy still doesn't apply. The guy gets free ice cream at the place he suggested. So it's free vs. pay.
I think the whole thing is a misunderstanding anyway. Just don't see any reason for some guy to get killed here when he may not have done anything wrong.
But I don't think that she KNEW at the time that he got free ice cream at the place he'd suggested.
posted
It's true that none of us can really judge, without having heard all of their conversation about it, and seen exactly what happened, but because I didn't, my tendency is to give Altariel the benefit of the doubt, because she was the one who was there. She is the one who *did* hear all their conversation and see exactly what happened, so I trust her assessment of things. Does that make sense?
Posts: 6246 | Registered: Aug 2004
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posted
It does, except that she is a beautiful, emotional college student looking for validation online. I see a lot of room for doubt. Enough doubt to hope she rethinks about what really happened when she is calmer before she breaks off a friendship.
Posts: 1014 | Registered: Jul 2005
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quote:Originally posted by El JT de Spang: free vs. pay.
Free wins every time
Like so many other people have said, think about it. The whole situation. Is he a good friend? Did he offer to pay? How much is $7 worth to you? What happened that might make him think you were paying? Just go through the night, calm down, and go talk to him if you think you should.
Posts: 1164 | Registered: Feb 2006
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posted
Ah, if only Seinfeld was still on the air - this would make for a fine episode. I can just see George doing this. Remember the one where they went to the movie theatre and he bought tickets but Elaine only had a 20 and he had no change? So she says she would pay him back later, but he says, just give me the 20 and I'll pay you back. I guess it isn't really the same thing, but still, I can just see George pulling something like this.
Ah, Seinfeld, how I miss your wisdom. Posts: 69 | Registered: Mar 2006
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quote:So, I tell him, why don't you take me to Longs instead and just buy me some candy and ice cream?
Erm, Longs, as in Longs Drugs? The store that makes Walgreens look high-end? I doubt he was surprised by the prices at the place they ended up going to... Posts: 1681 | Registered: Jun 2004
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posted
You know, I'm for him just being socially clueless and not realizing what was going on. I've had friends like that.
Talking to them (gently and as non-judgementally as possible) about why you are upset usually helps.
Posts: 21182 | Registered: Sep 2004
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posted
Yes patronizing not good. If that's what's going on, though, they can learn to be more socially adept. (Usually.) You have to realize it's like expecting a two-year-old not to take a toy she wants; if you've never told her that she can't take things that aren't hers, she won't know. Likewise, if a social situation has never come up in someone's life and they're not great at picking those cues up from tv, books, and conversations, they may not know that something is expected. (My brother has that problem, too, come to think of it.) You just have to make sure they know you were upset and why, and they usually won't do it again.
Posts: 21182 | Registered: Sep 2004
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posted
Your method is assuming that the guy is the one that is socially inept, but I think there is the possibility that she misunderstood.
I'm still wondering if the ice cream would have been free for only him, or for both of them. If for both of them, then he left home expecting not to have to pay for anything. Then, she is the one that suggested going somewhere where he would have to pay. I think he was trying to be nice by spending her birthday with her, but he never had intention of having to pay for anything.
Now if he was going to pay for her ice cream but his own was free, and then said that he was going to pay for her candy and ice cream stuff from Longs, then he should have done that. However, I also don't know if he said those exact words. If he didn't, maybe she just assumed he would because to her "he was taking her out."
And honestly, unless it was a romantic thing, usually when you go out with friends (who are just friends) you are expected to pay for yourself. Just because it's your birthday doesn't mean you're entitled to have other people pay for everything.
Posts: 155 | Registered: Apr 2005
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posted
I think it depends on how the invitation is offered. If you say Let's go out for ice cream, then everyone pays for themselves. If you say I'm going to take you out for ice cream, then they pay.
Here, I see him as being in an awkward situation. When the place he suggested first was closed, suddenly if ya'll went somewhere else he would have to pay. And instead of suggesting that you postpone the outing, you suggested that you go somewhere else and he buy you ice cream AND candy. If money were an issue, he probably could have solved his problem if he had picked up some things that he could afford and brought it over to your place.
I'm not blaming you, since you probably didn't know that he got free ice cream at the other place. It would have helped if he had mentioned that to you in the initial invitation. So he could have handled that better.
I think you have a right to be upset at the way he did handle it. It could have been a VERY embarassing situation for you if you didn't have any money on you. And I think the way the conversation went (according to your account above), you had every reason to expect that he was paying for it all. He gets bad marks for not taking action to prevent this from the beginning.
And I'm sorry, if someone says they're going to take me out for my birthday, I expect them to pay. If they say Let's go out for your birthday, then that's different. Either way, I'm always ready to pay just in case.
Posts: 2880 | Registered: Jun 2004
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posted
Thing is he invited me. We're just friends. The situation demanded he pay for it. I'm not going to go intricate on details, but you guys have to trust me on this one, I have every right to be as pissed off as I am at him. As for money, I'm very sure he could've payed for it. I'm not going to get on his case because of the money, I'm just angry because he made it seem like it was his treat.
Posts: 3389 | Registered: Apr 2004
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posted
Add me to the list of people who think you're overreacting a bit.
I am currently hesitant to pay for female friends due to the consistent "no, you're not paying for me" that I've been hammered with in the past. I don't know what it is, but my friends have been somewhat insulted when I presumed to pay. I guess they were worried that it was some kind or date or something.
Posts: 1069 | Registered: Feb 2005
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posted
I don't mind terribly if someone pays for me or not.
I don't even let my boyfriend pay for me all that often; if we go out to eat, he'll pay if I don't say anything, but otherwise, I'll usually just ask him if he can buy me a drink or whatever.
I also pay him back for most of the house things he buys. Like, I was broke one day, and my toilet wouldn't flush, so he bought a plunger. And a tire for my car. And I wrote him a check.
I really wanted to write "for erotic services" in the memo line, but I chickened out, since it was my dad's check.
But honestly, if someone invites me out for a special occasion, I'd figure they were going to pay. I'd never leave my debit card at home or anything, but I mean...
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