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Clinton Threatens To Drop Da Bomb On Iraq

February 25, 1998 | Issue 33•07

CHOCOLATE CITY—In an address before an emergency session of Parliament Monday, George Clinton said he is prepared to drop Da Bomb on Iraq if Saddam Hussein does not loosen up and comply with U.N. weapons inspectors by the Clinton-imposed deadline of March 1.

"For Saddam Hussein to refuse to let U.N. officials inspect Iraqi weapons facilities as per the terms of Iraq's 1991 Gulf War surrender is decidedly unfunky of him," Clinton said. "While the decision to drop Da Bomb is never an easy one, unless Saddam gets down with this whole U.N.-inspection thang and seriously refunkatizes his stance by March 1, we will have no choice but to tear the roof off Baghdad."

Preparations for the military strike, dubbed Operation Supergroovalisticprosifunkstication Storm, are already underway. The Mothership is ready and on standby at Starchild Air Force Base in Detroit, where more than 5,000 bop gunners are making final preparations for deployment to the Persian Gulf. Clinton has also ordered an additional 2,500 Aquaboogie Amphibious Assault units to the Gulf, bringing the total P-Funk Nation military presence in the region to 23,000.

According to General William "Bootsy" Collins, the primary goal of the ground assault is to breach Hussein's presidential palace, capture the Iraqi leader, and "put some serious funk in his trunk."

Collins acknowledged that the mission would not be easy.

"Saddam's palace is heavily fortified. In the front, it's protected by several dozen towers manned with armed guards, and in the back, there's a 50-foot high hump—so high you can't get over it and so wide you can't get around it," Collins said. "Having our men attempt to attack from the front would be suicide: If we are to have any chance of entering the palace and funkatizing Saddam, we've got to get over the hump. After all, if you want to capture a boogie, you've got to attack from the back."

Despite the difficulty of the task ahead, troop morale is high. "As a soldier in the army of Uncle Jam, I have pledged my full groovallegiance to Commander-In-Chief Clinton," said Lieutenant Bernie Worrell of the army's elite 72nd Promentalshitbackwashpsychosis Enema Squadron. "I am fully prepared to give up my life for the funk. To the rear... march."

"Executing political adversaries, shunning foreigners, condemning America as 'The Great Satan'—that Saddam is one uptight cat," Mothership captain Eddie Hazel said. "For too long, he has ruled Iraq with neither a glide in his stride nor a dip in his hip. At this point, our only remaining option is to drop a serious funk bomb on him."

Clinton's ultimatum before Parliament was met with high praise from numerous top-ranking Chocolate City officials, including Secretary of Education Richard Pryor, Secretary of Fine Arts Stevie Wonder and First Lady Aretha Franklin.

"Saddam has two choices," Pryor said. "Get down or step down."

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