quote:Re: (summary) My attempts at flirting with women tend to be received as friendliness. How can I convince them I mean business?
What Is a Boy to Do?
Dear Boy,
If your attempts at flirtation are being received as mere friendliness, maybe you're not really flirting. Flirting is friendly but with an edge of aggression; what you're trying to get across is that this may seem very casual out here in public and we're just having a few laughs but if I ever get you alone you won't be chuckling. ... I am not a great flirter. I come from a family of nontouchers. We are not big on light, evocative small talk. We have trouble focusing. We are basically frightened of other humans. But if there is one thing my family does seem to have bequeathed me and my siblings it is a fierce, idiotic persistence in the face of monstrous odds.
The one thing I did discover, however, during those years when I was attempting to learn how to signal interest, engage the other and close the deal quickly so that another night would not be spent lying under the sheets wondering why I never went to Princeton, was some mental trick that I believe actors must have a word for. I don't have a word for it. But it involves singular belief and focus. It involves slowing down and moving slightly in, just enough so that you are no longer just a guy in the room but you are really there. ... When you get to that space, you will know it, because you will feel a nearly irresistible urge to either kiss her neck or run to the valet for your keys. You are now in the area of the tipping point. Stay there. She will probably be holding her ground heroically, wondering if you're serious, wondering how long it's going to last. Stay there just long enough so she knows you're serious. Don't stay there so long that she begins to think you may have thrown out your back. Then pluck the olive out of her martini and say, "Were you going to eat this, or shall I?"
If she's not drinking a martini, you're going to have to improvise. You have to do this smoothly, with confidence. Remember: You're in her zone. Being in there is like being in her bedroom with your clothes off. You cannot afford to look ridiculous. You have to hold your own. And you have to act fast. You have to do something while you're in there that she will remember. Damn. I can't think of anything. Oh, quick, quick, quick, think of something. You've only got three seconds before she spots her girlfriend across the room and waves. Quick! Quick! Her buttons! Her shoes! What does her father do for a living? Does she have a leopard-skin purse? Are her eyes the color of a blueberry jellybean? Is her nose like a little button? Does she have a mane of hair you'd like to see on a palomino? Are horse references good or bad? Is her hair too close to her face to make a horse reference? Is making a horse reference confusing the issue of who will be the rider and who will be the horse?
Sorry. That was the buzzer. You're out of time. You're going to have to practice. But that's OK. The only way you can practice is to keep going in there. If you say something that strikes her, you will know it, because she may nod and move even closer in barely perceptible surrender.
Tenets of the Tennisites
1. We believe that Cary Tennis has tried to address many of the common problems facing people in US culture with a certain degree of humbleness, thoughtful consistency and occasional brilliance.
2. We vow to try to maximize a certain gravity of concern for others and self-deprecatory wit for ourselves in our dealings with other human beings, at least once before dinner.
3. We hope that a gentle, somewhat neurotic but generally optomistic perspective on life in response to specifically requested advice might be helpful. (But we don't give advice unasked, and we are likely at least partially wrong anyway.)
Posts: 132 | Registered: Jun 2006
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Which reminds me: I want Chris Bridges to be a regular writer for Salon.com.
Has he sent in some samples to them yet? If not, why not? (And Chris, as per Tenet #3, I will not give advice unasked, but I will inform you that I've got several rave reviews lined up for the mass emailing. Just say the word, bro.)
Posts: 132 | Registered: Jun 2006
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As entertainment, I find his columns amusing. As serious advice, I find them completely lacking. That column, for example -- if a guy invaded my personal space like that, I would NOT find it charming. I would find it creepy. (And before someone claims this is simply a result of my background, I have been flirted with and found it charming. On more than one occasion. Never by anyone who felt the need to breathe down my neck to do so.)
The previous column indicates that a woman who is finding intellectual men too arrogant and prone to power games should better learn how to play such games. (WHAT?)
The day before that was not bad. (Advice to an overly endowed woman.) And I was mostly ok with the day before that (although his encouraging casual promiscuity in a group that needs no encouragement was distasteful).
The advice to the woman with the cluttered house and absent husband had some definite good points. But why is he pushing a divorce? It was pretty clear that's not what she wants.
He IS giving advice unasked (in two of five columns that I read, he gave advice that was specifically not asked for), and I'm afraid I don't think he's doing all that good a job.
But I'm glad you've found someone you enjoy reading, Sara. Posts: 32919 | Registered: Mar 2003
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It is no small measure of friendship that one can forbear another's taste in both food (e.g., chopped liver) and advice columnists (e.g., this CT). And in the same day!
You are a good friend and a simply smashing woman, rivka. Posts: 132 | Registered: Jun 2006
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You know, rivka, there is a part of me that is absolutely thrilled that I can be myself with you, warts and all, and you'll still love me. That's totally cool.
(I just got a pan for popovers today. We were suffering through the Severe Popover Shortage of Ought-6 since the move.)
Posts: 132 | Registered: Jun 2006
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And I love the fact that I can not happen to share everything that delights you (and they're hardly "warts," just things I happen not to share your enthusiasm for . . . although maybe in the case of gehakte leber ), and you know that it's not personal.
Hooray for popover pans. I haven't made any popovers in ages. Must do something about that!
Posts: 32919 | Registered: Mar 2003
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I thought that article was dead on, if a little exaggerated. It isn't about breathing down her neck, or doing that right away to a complete stranger....but the advice that you need to show a little aggressiveness is spot on.
"Aggressive" also means different things to different people....I am not talking about unwanted advances, or physical intimidation either.
The level of it you need to show depends on both the situation and the people involved, but it is the perfect way to show interest, and not ALLOW yourself to be categorized in the "just friends" area of her mind.
THAT is the kiss of death to any romantic relationship 99.9% of the time. Trust me, it is experience talking here. Posts: 15082 | Registered: Jul 2001
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), and you know that it's not personal.
