posted
(Edit: 'Extreme Mayfly' deleted, because I have some follow-up observations from my experience at synanogue.)
I've been invited to a Bar Mitzvah for the son of my best friend at work. Three hours at temple, followed by Kiddush luncheon, and a party in the evening.
What should I wear? I figure my choices are: khakis and a collared shirt; same, plus tie and sport jacket; suit and tie.
What is Kiddush?
My friend was joshing me earlier about needing guests to bring large money gifts. I don't have large money, I don't even have small money. I could manage a Borders gift card -- would $30 be insulting? $50 is a big stretch for me right now.
Should I be sure to bring the gift with me now? later in the day? later in the week?
Thanks for any help. I leave in an hour.
[ September 04, 2006, 08:39 PM: Message edited by: John Van Pelt ]
Posts: 431 | Registered: Oct 2003
| IP: Logged |
posted
Kiddush. Near the bottom there is a bit on Kiddush receptions.
Get a gift that is a multiple of $18, if you want to impress them (a little). The word chai (life) is the same (similar?) to the word for 18 in hebrew. It is a common tradition to do this I would bring the gift with you.
I would at least wear a tie... Depending on the formality, you may want a suit coat. I don't think I've ever seen a full suit and tie at a bar mitzvah.
-Bok
PS- Being Saturday (the Sabbath), most of our Orthodox Jewish Hatrackers won't be on until sunset tonigh, at earliest (Rivka, Lisa, etc). So I may be your best bet I've been to several Reform bar/bat mitzvahs (though I am not Jewish).
posted
A sports coat and tie is your best bet, in San Antonio at least, but a suit might be better if your city is generaly more formal.
And, as Bokonon noted, give a gift card only if you can get it in thirty-six, not thirty dollars. The later is not offensive per se, but may be looked at as humorously gauche.
Posts: 1332 | Registered: Apr 2005
| IP: Logged |
posted
I've been to two now (and I'm not Jewish either). One was at Temple, the other in a banquet room at a hotel. In both cases I dressed as if going to church and cross stitched a commemorative piece for the celebrant. For the young man, I made a bookmark that was adapted from a Bar Mitzvah sampler because I didn't have enough time (and was still stitching into the wee hours of the morning of the event!) and for the young lady, the full sampler. (and in case anyone wondered, I got both patterns here.)
I wish I'd known about the 18 thing, though. I'll have to remember that for next time.
Posts: 4515 | Registered: Jul 2004
| IP: Logged |
quote:Originally posted by Bokonon: Kiddush. Near the bottom there is a bit on Kiddush receptions.
Get a gift that is a multiple of $18, if you want to impress them (a little). The word chai (life) is the same (similar?) to the word for 18 in hebrew.
Sort of. Every letter in the Hebrew alephbet (that's the alphabet) has a numeric value. The 22 letters go from 1 to 10, and then from 20 to 100, and they finish up with the last letter at 400. The word chai is spelled with the two letters that have values of 8 and 10, which gives 18. The actual word for the number 18 is "sh'monah asar" or "sh'moneh esrei" (masculine and feminine forms).
Posts: 12266 | Registered: Jul 2005
| IP: Logged |
posted
Dark pants + white shirt and tie = always appropriate. Some congregations find all the men wearing dark suits, with others a sports jacket is fine. Jeans are not OK in the congregations I've seen (but then again, I haven't seen all the congregations). Women wear dresses or skirts below the knee, and wear sleeves. Long sleeves in an Orthodox congregation, short sleeves are OK everywhere else, I think.
Kiddish = food. I believe that in church, kiddish is called "fellowship", which is also food. The multiples of 18 thing is a nice touch. I'd think that either $18 or $36 would be fine.
Don't bring the gift to the synagogue; bring it to the evening reception. Exchanging money on the Sabbath is a no-no.
Have fun! Depending on the congregation, the religious service can be like nothing you've ever seen before (Orthodox), or very familiar (Reform), or something in between (Conservative).
And practice saying the following: "Gut Shabbos" (Goot SHA-bus -- Have a nice Sabbath) and "Mazel Tov!" (MAH-zel Tuv -- Congratulations!) You'll fit right in.
Also, you should expect to wear a kippah -- a little Jew beanie -- on your head. Don't worry about where to get one, they will probably supply one for you. The wearing of the kippah does not connote any belief or commitment. It is a gesture of respect for the congregation. Refusal to wear one may be construed as an insult.
Posts: 10397 | Registered: Jun 2005
| IP: Logged |
quote:Originally posted by Tante Shvester: Have fun! Depending on the congregation, the religious service can be like nothing you've ever seen before (Orthodox), or very familiar (Reform), or something in between (Conservative).
No offense. <grin>
quote:Originally posted by Tante Shvester: Also, you should expect to wear a kippah -- a little Jew beanie -- on your head. Don't worry about where to get one, they will probably supply one for you. The wearing of the kippah does not connote any belief or commitment. It is a gesture of respect for the congregation. Refusal to wear one may be construed as an insult.
Depends, though. My brother went to a bar mitzvah at a Reform place when he was a kid, and he brought a kippah with, but the usher wouldn't let him in until he took it off.
Posts: 12266 | Registered: Jul 2005
| IP: Logged |
posted
I went to a Reform wedding this summer, and I would say about half the men were wearing a kippah. Including the chatan and the rabbi. I guess there's a lot of variety. The rabbi was also wearing a mini-tallis.
"Three hours at temple" sounds more like something Conservative or Orthodox though.
Posts: 159 | Registered: Jun 2006
| IP: Logged |
posted
Not Orthodox. We only have one Temple. Calling synagogues temples was the Reform movement's way of rejecting the fundamental Jewish connection to the Temple in Jerusalem, which will eventually be rebuilt.
Posts: 12266 | Registered: Jul 2005
| IP: Logged |
posted
I thought for sure you must have misunderstood, so I looked into it a little. They have a lot of non-halachic values. Down to a different definition of "Jew." Interesting.
Posts: 159 | Registered: Jun 2006
| IP: Logged |
posted
I've known Conservative and Reform congregations that call themselves "Temple." I've never met an Orthodox one that does, although people who do not discern the difference may call all Jewish congregations "Temples."
I don't call ANY of them that, though.
Posts: 10397 | Registered: Jun 2005
| IP: Logged |
posted
I enjoyed witnessing my friend's son Aaron being called to the Torah as a Bar Mitzvah, very much.
Please excuse any gaffes in what follows. This was my first visit to a Jewish synagogue, my first experience of a Jewish Sabbath service. I know there are differences, some of them divisive, between Orthodox, Conservative, Reform and maybe 'Other,' but I know very little of the details. Nevertheless, I would like to comment on my impressions. I mean only to convey my respect for what I saw and heard -- if I give offense, it is inadvertent and due only to ignorance. I'll be very glad to be corrected where necessary.
(As a side note, I recognize a meta-danger here -- in spite of what I may get right or wrong, just the fact that I am reporting as a 'tourist' may be found offensive. All I can say is: I hope not.)
I called it a temple, because the directions were to 'Temple Reyim.' I'm glad to know more about those distinctions.
I believe this congregation falls somewhere between conservative and reform. Women and men together in one congregation, a relatively relaxed atmosphere. I did not feel out of place in my dark gray slacks, dark blue shirt, conservative tie, and tan sportcoat. Though most of the men -- especially the rabbi, cantor, and president -- were in dark gray suits and white shirt.
My friend (Aaron's father) apologized for the service being 'boring.' I hadn't found it such. My daughter described a service she had been to at a different synagogue that had struck her as being analogous to a Southern Baptist service, with lots of music and passion. That was not this synagogue. But I wasn't bored.
I think what I mostly want to speak about is the sense I received of -- Judaism? the Jewish faith? -- something other than being Jewish, at any rate. Perhaps those are supposed to be identical, but I am speaking particularly of the voice, tone, and purpose exemplified in the pattern of worship as I saw it.
On the one hand, I'd have to say it was the most complexly codified system of worship I'd ever experienced. It seemed that every word has a specific place, order, practice. Not only do the scripture selections vary by the calendar (as they do in Christian worship services and many others), but every other surrounding expression, prayer, incantation, etc., seemed to be largely fixed in several dimensions: whether sung, chanted, or spoken; whether delivered by rabbi, cantor, volunteer from the congregation, or family member of the Bar Mitzvah; whether delivered in Hebrew or English (and it was almost entirely Hebrew); whether accompanied by the covering or uncovering of the Torah, or the opening or closing of the ark; whether accompanied by patterns of bows, bending knees, or rocking onto tiptoe; whether closed with an 'amen' echoed by all; whether we stood or sat....
So you might get the idea that all this was somehow rigid. Where is spirit? Where is God? Is it all ritual?
So what impressed me even more was that something about the nature of Jewish worship and the Jewish idea of deity really came through for me. I was truly inspired at several points. Right or wrong, I felt a moving sense of deep connection to a millennia-old tradition; a connection straight through time and space from that 21st century US suburban synagogue to the Israelites of Exodus, Kings, Judges, the people of David, the nomads of the desert, the people of the Promised Land, the persecuted, the Jews of uncounted diasporas, the Jews of the Holocaust, all Jews. And their faith, and steadfastness, and discipline, and obedience, and their determination to know their God and keep him with them.
It strikes me even now as a remarkable thing -- to have a religion, a way of life, a race, a community -- however you define it -- that has such a large and often arcane system of rules and practices -- but at the same time, whose adherents manage to maintain a heartfelt, thinking, and meaningful connection with the purpose behind all those practices; their purpose not just as practical tropes (like so much of kosher, I believe) but their purpose as moral constructs.
I've barely scratched the surface of my impressions, but I'll stop there. I heartily thanked my hosts. I do feel I love and respect my Jewish friends and acquaintances even more, after this experience.
(P.S., During one procession of the Torah around the sanctuary, I was awarded a (silver) Hershey's kiss by the rabbi. I got the impression it was a token of a good, happy surprise, a reminder of good fortune -- but I didn't really get the drift and I wasn't sure what to do with it.)
Posts: 431 | Registered: Oct 2003
| IP: Logged |
quote:Originally posted by MyrddinFyre: I am so fascinated by the whole Jewish culture. I think it's wonderful
It's great that you're interested in Jewish culture, (really - I wish more people were!) but please please please don't describe it as wonderful. It makes it sound so perfect and unreal. Kind of Hollywoody, I guess. But it's just like any culture - there are people who love it and people who struggle with it. I'm sorry - I'm not trying to jump down your throat - but calling Judaism wonderful sounded so dissonant to me... I just felt like that one word managed to strip away all the richness of Jewish culture and oversimplify it into something exotic and... "wonderful".
Posts: 97 | Registered: Jun 2006
| IP: Logged |
I used to work for an entertainment company. We provided clowns and music, inflatable sumo suits, and karaoke. One of our dedicated markets was the Bar Mitvah market.
(Yes, I've led Sumo Wrestling at a Bar Mitvah celebration. It was not pretty).
Now of all the types of events we participated in, Bar Mitvah's had a reputation for being the worst. This is not an anti-Jewish prejudice. It just so happens that the Bar Mitvah parties that could afford our services were the perfect storm of bad audiences. They were wealthy, attempting to show off, and 13 year old kids--spoiled 13 year old kids, the children of their spoiled parents. This was also a once in a lifetime event for each child, so everything had to be perfect, and it was a social competition between the well off, to see who could have the best party.
So our organization had a difficult time arranging for people to work these demanding shows.
We hired a new young scheduler, to arrange for people to do the various events we offered. One day he noticed two of the sales staff taking a smoke break. He strolled back to them.
They were Leah and Linda. The names have not been changed, since there are no innocents here to protect. Linda, who is Reform Jewish, was also the salesman in charge of booking Bar Mitvah's. Leah was considered the sweet innocent mother of our office.
The young scheduler, Steve, walked up to them, and hesitantly, he asked, "Linda, what is a Bar Mitvah."
Linda, the smoker, took a puff then smiled. "Its when a Jewish boy becomes a man."
"Oh." said Steve. "But what happens..at a Bar Mitvah. I mean, what goes on..."
Leah responded first, without missing a beat. "Its when a boy, you know, becomes a man--as in a man and a woman."
Steve's mouth fell open. "You mean..."
Linda picked it up and ran with it. "Yes. Its when a Jewish boy loses his virginity."
"In front of his parents and everyone?"
"Oh yes," said Linda. "Its a sollemn religious rite of passage. Usually they have a friend of the family volunteer for the female part. She dresses in a long white slip until its time for the ceremony. She then raises it up, and, well you understand."
"Oh my god. I've got to book me for some of those." Steve's mind was already planning on how he could corner the Bar Mitvah market.
Leah had to interject, "Now Bah Mitvah's are entirely different. Then its usually a friend of the fathers who gets to guide the girl into womanhood."
Steve's eyes were huge. "You mean they let..."
"Its a sacred honor. Nothing to be shocked over." Linda acted almost hurt.
"And don't forget the assistants. Two young women in cages near the ritual remove their clothes and...and..." The look on Steve's face was too much. Leah broke out laughing, as did Linda.
Steve realized he'd been put on by the two women. It didn't stop him from doing his first Bar Mitvah show later that week, just to be sure.
Posts: 11895 | Registered: Apr 2002
| IP: Logged |
posted
Eek... I didn't mean to be commentating on the religion. I used the word "culture" to mean the comradery and the traditions upheld, things like that. I love when traditions are passed down. *That* is what I think is wonderful, I certainly am not ignorant enough to be using the word in the way I think it was construed.
Posts: 3636 | Registered: Oct 2001
| IP: Logged |
quote:Originally posted by John Van Pelt: I'd have to say it was the most complexly codified system of worship I'd ever experienced. It seemed that every word has a specific place, order, practice. Not only do the scripture selections vary by the calendar (as they do in Christian worship services and many others), but every other surrounding expression, prayer, incantation, etc., seemed to be largely fixed in several dimensions: whether sung, chanted, or spoken; whether delivered by rabbi, cantor, volunteer from the congregation, or family member of the Bar Mitzvah; whether delivered in Hebrew or English (and it was almost entirely Hebrew); whether accompanied by the covering or uncovering of the Torah, or the opening or closing of the ark; whether accompanied by patterns of bows, bending knees, or rocking onto tiptoe; whether closed with an 'amen' echoed by all; whether we stood or sat.... I felt a moving sense of deep connection to a millennia-old tradition; a connection straight through time and space from that 21st century US suburban synagogue to the Israelites of Exodus, Kings, Judges, the people of David, the nomads of the desert, the people of the Promised Land, the persecuted, the Jews of uncounted diasporas, the Jews of the Holocaust, all Jews.
Sounds about right. I'm glad you enjoyed the experience.
You are right on about the service being a unifying experience. Since the prayers are conducted in Hebrew and follow a set liturgy, a Jew can walk into any congregation anywhere in the world and participate in and understand the service just as if he were in his neighborhood congregation. The melodies may have local variations, but the words of the prayers, the order of the service, and the customs of prayer will be largely the same. And when you are reading a certain portion of the bible in your congregation, you can be sure that it is the same one that Jews all over the world are reading at the same time.
posted
Even cooler is that the litugy has remained fundamentally the same for centuries. Although there are a lot of variations depending on the day of the week, whether it's a holiday, how many men are present, time of day, etc.
This is only true of Torah Jews. Reform and Conservative have different services. However, they still read the same portion of the Bible (although they don't always read all of it).
Posts: 159 | Registered: Jun 2006
| IP: Logged |
Printer-friendly view of this topic
![[Smile]](smile.gif)
