posted
I recently got into a rather large fight with my mother. The problem: at her second meeting with my future in-laws she started talking about my private medial history. Now, I don't have cancer or anything - just a genetic blood clotting disorder that gave me a nice big clot when I was almost 19. However, she made it sound nearly as bad as cancer, and in the process completely freaked out the future MIL, who is Indian and grew up in a village (meaning that she's not very cultured, although quite nice, and that she's quite traditional - and in India you don't marry anyone who might bring bad qualities, genetic or otherwise, to the family)
I feel that she had no right to talk about this information, particulaly when I was not there to explain things. (I do happen to have a better understanding of my medical history than she does). My fiancee and I weren't keeping this a secret from his family, but we didn't think they needed every little detail, or needed to feel particularly worried, because it's not that big of a deal. It's just a condition that I have to watch and control for, and that will affect my life in predictable ways in the future (have to take medication daily, get blood checks 4-12x a year, watch what I eat, be careful with pregnancies, etc). Anyways, I think Abhi calmed his mother down, but it was a bad situation for awhile.
Do you guys think my mother had the right to do this? My father backs her up (they're divorced), claiming that he doesn't see anything wrong with her behavior. I think she violated my privacy by releasing information that I had told her in confidence. I'm uncertain how much information about my life I want to share with my parents now, because I don't know where that information is going.
Some background (no need to read if you don't want to): I'm 21, and a senior in college. Throughout high school I took almost complete of myself, although I did live in my father's house. About 4 months before I turned 18 I left to live/work in Germany for nine months; after I came back to the States I immediately left for college. Since I was 17 1/2, I've only spent one summer with my family and a few short vacations. I have been paying all of my own bills since I moved out, except for flights back to California from my college (if my parents want me to visit, they have to pay since I'm not going to go into debt to do so), and the medical bill from my stay in a hosptial my freshman year. I also mootch off of my dad's insurance so my prescriptions are cheaper, but I also let him claim me as a dependent for taxes, which he really has no right to do. I've never had a close relationship with my parents, mainly because I don't think they're particularly good (dad) or responsible (mom & dad) people, at least towards their families. (Long history there, but part of the reason I got out of the house as soon as possible).
posted
Obviously I don't know the whole story but is it possible she did it by mistake? They may have been talking about something different, such as near-death experiences or sicknesses or some tv show that they had both seen and it reminded your mother about your condition and she would have said something along the lines of "that reminds me of the time that Jhai was sick and I was worried to death....." (probably not quite like that but you get the picture) or something to that effect and this would have led your future MIL to ask questions about your condition?
Posts: 315 | Registered: Jun 2002
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posted
No, that wasn't what happened according to my fiancee, Abhi. My mother launched into the topic, talking about my medication, future fertility (!), and how she was sure that "medicines would come along to help me with my 'condition'," etc without any prompting. It came completely out of the blue.
I don't want this to me just about my situation, though. I'm more interested in what Hatrack feels about the changes that happen between parents and their children as the children transition into adulthood.
I personally feel as though I've already undergone this transition. Since my parents give me less support, either monetary or emotional, than any of my friends, I'm not sure if they have any more rights in respect to me or my life than my friends. (I hope I don't sound completely anti-family - my brother and I are very close, and I enjoy spending time with most of my extended family).
Posts: 2409 | Registered: Sep 2003
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posted
I think your mother was completely out of line and I hope you told her how unacceptable her behavior was.
If she were your friend instead of your mother, would you be upset if she did the same thing? Of course you would!
Once you are an adult, your parents should have the same respect for your privacy as they would for any other adult who told them something in confidence. If they aren't trustworthy with your private information, I'd be leery of sharing more with them.
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posted
I think it's completely inappropriate behavior on her part, and I also think you have every right - and responsibility - to stop giving her information that you don't want leaked to everyone.
I've gone through similar things with my parents, including them giving all my personal information, phone number, address, place of employment, etc. to random strangers. Of course, I have nothing to do with them anymore, so... Oh, but I didn't at the time either...
Posts: 8355 | Registered: Apr 2003
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posted
I'm not sure the word "rights" applies here. Obviously your mother has the "right" to speak to your future in-laws. But was what she said appropriate? Probably not. It was rude of her and inconsiderate of her to say things like that without telling you first and she should not have brought it up without you being present.
Your mom screwed up and said something she shouldn't. Tell her you are upset, and ask her not to do it again. It's not the end of the world, however. You said you weren't trying to keep the situation a secret, explain to your future what you did us - it's not that big of a deal and tell them your mother blew it all out of proportion. I'm sure they'll understand. Don't let it ruin your relationship with your parents.
Posts: 14428 | Registered: Aug 2001
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posted
Your mom was way out of line. But, she was certainly within her rights to share something that you told her if she chose to, even though you shared it in confidence, imo.
You are also equally entitled to be royally pissed at her for spilling the beans, especially if she got some of the important details wrong.
What the heck was she thinking? Honestly, it almost sounds like a poorly planned attempt to sabotage the engagement (I hate to bring that up, because I doubt very seriously that it was anything so underhanded).
Posts: 5462 | Registered: Apr 2005
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posted
I can see why you are upset about this, and she probably shouldn't have shared.
That said, as a parent of people that age, I would say that unless you had told her PRIOR to her meeting these people that "mom, there are certain things I would rather you not discuss with them about me, because we'd like to handle that ourselves" and then outlined XXX, I'm not surprised that she brought it up. Sometimes mom's say stupid things when trying to make conversation (meeting my child's future in-laws would make me very nervous, for sure). She may have assumed that since it was a big deal to her ( a big part of your growing up) that she thought you had already shared information about it with them, and then was surprised you hadn't.
Have you talked to your mom since then about it? Does she regret saying it because she didn't know you would be offended by her talking about it?
Posts: 9538 | Registered: Aug 2003
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I'm saying this in an attempt to help others understand the possible mindset of the future in-laws, and Jhai, I apologize if this makes you feel worse or if it's inaccurate.
In this culture (while Sri Lanka and India have different cultures, there are a lot of similarities, especially in the marriage area), where arranged marriages are the norm and prospective brides, grooms, and their families look at everything from religion, caste (Govi Buddhist), finances (MA from this university earning this much money, owns property here and there worth this much), getting horoscopes, copies of resumes, diplomas, degrees, etc., all before a proposal is made... Jhai is right to be concerned.
Granted, theirs is a love match, not an arranged marriage, but it's quite logical for the Indian parents to consider all of this, calculating ande considering this and that, will she be a good daughter in law, will she bear lots of grandbabies, will she treat the parents with respect, will she... It's all there.
In this culture, children, even adult children, are expected to obey their parents, even to the point of breaking off with a girl/boyfriend if the parents don't like the person and marrying someone the parents do like. No, not everyone is like that, but it certainly is a large part of the culture. Depending on how the Indian parents feel, they could end up bringing enormous pressure to Abhi and make his, and Jhai's, life extremely difficult. I hope it doesn't happen, but given the culture, it could.
posted
Legally, 18 is an important age, but ethically I don't think there is any defined line between child and adult. In fact, although parental responsibilities seem to decline more and more as time goes by, they probably never go away - even elderly parents with middle aged children have some responsibility to look out for them should some disasterous situation arise for them. And since some smaller degree of parental responsibility carries on when children grow up, I think it makes sense that some smaller degree of special parental rights also carries on. I short, I think a parent should definitely have more rights in regards to their adult child than some random unrelated adult would.
However, I don't think the right to gossip about an adult child's medical conditions falls under that category. In fact, I don't think it's fair to gossip about even a young teenage child's (even 13 or 14) medical conditions, if there is no need to.
quote:I'm not sure the word "rights" applies here. Obviously your mother has the "right" to speak to your future in-laws. But was what she said appropriate? Probably not. It was rude of her and inconsiderate of her to say things like that without telling you first and she should not have brought it up without you being present.
quote:Your mom was way out of line. But, she was certainly within her rights to share something that you told her if she chose to, even though you shared it in confidence, imo.
I'm kind of surprised at these reactions. Of course she didn't have the right to say anything. And it's not Jhai's responsibility to tell her not to talk about something personal; it's mom's responsibility to get permission to talk about something personal. It quite simply wasn't her information to share. Bad enough she share personal information but this was personal medical information!
And if she did do it as a stupid mistake she should apologize instead of saying she didn't do anything wrong.
If it was my mother I'd be clear in no uncertain terms that she just broke my trust and that I doubt I'd be sharing any personal details with her for a long time...
Posts: 409 | Registered: Apr 2002
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posted
Keep in mind that this opinion doesn't take into account the cultural differences involved.
I personally wouldn't be at all suprised if my mother quickly got into the topic of my childhood asthma or something like that with a prospective in-law. (especially in my case since she's a nurse and would likely be drawn to that area of conversation) Now, if she went on to talk about me having something like erectile dysfunction (assuming I did) then that would be a lot more akward because I wouldn't personally feel comfortable talking about that topic with my future in-laws (at least not at that point).
I guess the line for me is between a socially uncomfortable malady (something sexual or gastrointestinal most likely) and more of a general health problem which it sounds like yours is.
Also, while it's certainly possible that your mother launched straight into talking about your condition, I find it much more likely that there was at least some kind of segue that your fiance just might not have been paying attention to, or downplayed...
Also, as mentioned above, if you haven't broached the subject with your mother as to your reluctance to discuss that topic yet it's hard to blame her. I think there is a general assumption that anything particularly important is going to be disclosed with in-laws (even if it hasn't yet)
Posts: 1038 | Registered: Feb 2006
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quote:I'm kind of surprised at these reactions. Of course she didn't have the right to say anything.
Once you tell someone anything, whether or not to share that with anyone else is their choice; their right. To think otherwise is delusional. Common decency dictates that they'll use discretion if/when sharing, but it's no longer your choice -- it's theirs.
Posts: 5462 | Registered: Apr 2005
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posted
I think everybody has different ideas about should obviously be kept private and what is free to talk about. Further, I think people have different rules for family versus non-family. If your mom is trying to see your future in-laws as family, then maybe she's trying to be more open with them than she would with someone else. I think the best thing you could do is explain why it upset you and what you do not want her to share in the future.
When it comes to information, I do not trust my dad's judgment about what is acceptable to talk about with other people. He writes a letter every week to around eight extended realatives and fills the letter with details about our immediate family's lives. These letters have frequently been filled with very private information. It is his belief that if it concerns me (or someone else in the family), then it concerns the extended family. I do not agree with this theory and for that reason I am careful about what information I give him. I love him dearly, but I find this to be the course of action that is best for our relationship. In other words if you think you and your mom have very different ideas about what is acceptable to talk about, I see nothing wrong with limiting what you tell her.
I hope things go smoother for you and your and engagment. Posts: 1947 | Registered: Aug 2002
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posted
It sounds like your relationship with your mother is not a good one in the first place, and as a result I think that a conversation about boundaries and expectations is certainly in line.
On the other hand, I have a mother who has virtually no expectations of privacy--she has no problem discussing things (about her own life, not just mine), that I would only discuss with a very close friend. If it had been her in that situation, I would probably just roll my eyes and grumble under my breath and let it slide, because I'm never going to change my mother and I know it, and we otherwise have a good relationship. But, as quid said, cultural expectations are very different and this sounds like a fairly big deal. If it were me, I'd probably tell my mother how I felt about what she'd said and why.
So, in a general/ethical/legal sense: Yes, adult children certainly do have every right to have their personal information kept confidential. In real life: Depends on motivation of the parent (in my mother's case an inexplicable--to me--need to tell anyone who will listen whatever is on her mind about her kids) and what you're willing to put up with.
Posts: 3149 | Registered: Jul 2005
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posted
I think the question of "parental rights" confuses the issue.
I have no idea whether your mother had the right to tell your future in laws about your medical condition or even what having such a right would mean. I do how ever think it was very rude of your mother to reveal this information without your permission. In this country, medical histories are generally considered private information. If it had been your physician rather than your mother revealing the information, it would be a clear violation of the law. While family members and friends aren't bound by those laws, it was clearly a violation of simple manners for her to discuss personal and private matters with your in-laws without first clearing it with you.
If I were you, I would politely inform both parents that you consider your medical condition to be a private, personal matter. That you were offended that your mother revealed this information both because it was a violation of your privacy and because of the problems it caused.
Tell them that if they wish to be included in the private aspects of your life and informed about your medical problems in the future, you need to know that they will consider them to be secrets and that you can trust that such an event will never occur again.
Make it clear that its not up for debate. You are an adult, you want certain things kept private. If you can't trust them to keep those things private, then you won't be sharing with them. If in the future they want to be included, they must respect your wishes. Period.
Posts: 12591 | Registered: Jan 2000
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I'm uncertain how much information about my life I want to share with my parents now, because I don't know where that information is going. 
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