posted
Okay so there's this person say "JF" who drives me and my brother home, our arrrangement is that about 4-5 nights a week he gets to play 2-5 hours playing call of duty on my desktop.
Not such a big problem since I have a laptop now.
HOWEVER when school starts I bring my mouse to school for my laptop and he starts moaning and hwining and eventually buys a new usb mouse. I am under the impression he got it for me as a second mouse so I could stop bring the other one to school. My father said "here JF got it for you"
so I am under the impression it was agift.
next day I come home and find my original USB Mouse can nolonger right click wtf well I havew this new fancy microsoft mouse so its all good.
About a week or so later we're driving home one dya and he's driving me and my brother home.
They spend the ENTIRE car ride insulting my choice for gym (I took at random Yoga) and keep insinuating that only woman and homosexuals take it, and that Tai-Chi another thing I like is also somehow inherently gay.
After 20 minutes of this I start listening to my Ipod at full blast and get confortable.
I do so by putting my knees to my chest placing my knees on the back of the seat infront of me.
Note: I have done this my entire life, in school buses, in my families cars, in othe rpeopels cars and no one EVER complained.
I did this alot of the times I'm in his car in the bakc seat.
However he then proceeds to accuse me of that my "pushing and shoving" my knees I somehow broke a spring in his seat from last week or something.
NNotes:
-The spring I think is form the buttom of the seat not at the top where my kneees are usually located.
-I generally do ot sit on the drivers side of the car making it less likely I did it by wear and tear.
-This has never happened before.
So now he's accusing me of breaking his seat, and is saying he'll take back the new mouse.
Notes: My old mouse is unusable
-I need the new mouse for school.
-Back way back when my cousin got me a bunch of computer science books and during EXAM WEEK (exams being open book) took them back wihtout warning.
This brings bakc those memories and I'm refusing to give back what I was sure was a gift and I need it for school.
When I try to explain these points my father (since we arrived home) told me to shut up that I would only mak ehtings worse and as I walk away since this conversation obviously doesn't involve me anymore he says stop we are not done with you.
How does that make any logical sense what is the use of me being there if I have no purpose being there?
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posted
It seems to me that you are possibly being just a little passive-aggressive. Then again, walking away from a conversation you don't want to be in can be a good thing. Perhaps, though, you should bear in mind that your father not only can't read your mind, he may not even have quite your own level of awesome genius. To a lesser mind, the actions of intelligent people can be unfathomable. I would suggest that you explain that you have no desire to be in a conversation that goes only one way, and then walk.
Then again, why do you have to shut up just because he tells you to? You're as big as he is; tell him to shut up and listen for a change.
Posts: 10645 | Registered: Jul 2004
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posted
Oh, and to answer your actual question : Obviously, the purpose of you being there is to get shouted at. Isn't that clear? A very useful purpose, at that; builds the character and aggression you'd need for that career in the armed forces you once thought about.
Posts: 10645 | Registered: Jul 2004
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Blayne Bradley
unregistered
posted
Which I'm still tyring to pursue damn my glasses for being nessasary to my sight!
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Blayne, I would definately not say that you're entirely in the wrong here, but neither are you entirely in the right (or at least so it seems both here and in the other thread down the page)
example: perhaps this was a gift, but you even tell the story such that it's implied that the gift was intended at least in part so that your friend would have more regular access to a mouse for what seems to be a pre-arranged deal with you. Perhaps it isn't appropriate for him to request back the mouse (though I wouldn't say you have concrete proof that it was a gift rather than just something he wanted left with you for his benefit) but neither is it completely outrageous.
This kind of thing also applies to the books. When something is leant to you, while it would be polite of the lender to give ample warning that they needed them back it's in no way out of the question.
There seem to be a lot of inflated slights in your recent litany of woes which could in fact be completely legitimate actions/criticisms, even if they were harsh/unfortunate for you.
While in reference to the other thread this does not excuse physical violence, there are a number of things that you mention that I'd point out are fairly common/reasonable things to be expected in your situation:
As a young adult still living with your family presumably free of charge, and relying on them for the necessities of life (this is not a judgement so much as a statement of fact) your parents still have some amount of control over you and in their eyes some responsibility over your actions.
They are obviously going to want the following of you primarily because this will be best for you in the long term and are likely concerned for you. Maintain a job: at some point you will have to do this (though if you are taking a full course load this may not be completely practical) Succeed in Academics: ideally this means both that you are enjoying your studies as well as helps you in the future to find and keep a good job Maintain a healthy lifestyle: as someone who is similarly overweight I can understand the annoyance at parents hounding you on an issue that you already know about. the best you can do is work on what you can (at least keep yourself healthy) and just let them know that you are aware of the concerns. Maintain healthy activities: keeping a log of what you do probably isn't that bad an idea, and it may help you realize how much time you spend on games etc... Realize that there is a range that constitutes a reasonably healthy use of computer games and one that does not.
In my hey-day I was playing WoW(and before that things like Diablo2 or CounterStrike) for probably 10-18 hours a day during the month or so after graduation (college) and before starting my job, and even after starting work I would generally get home at 5 and raid until 12 or 1. Even at the time I realized this to a certain extent, but much more so after i cut back, but this was having a big impact on my friendships, general productivity, health etc... It's not easy to cut back severely on an addiction like that (and I don't know that you play as much as I did) but doing so really helps in other areas.
another good example I have is my best friend's younger brother who was actually significantly worse than I in terms of WoW playing (to the point where he would only get perhaps 6 hours of sleep every couple days) but as a result failed out of engineering and was in the process of failing out of engineering technology at our school. Recently though he snapped out of it, pulled his grades up, is doing a lot better at his job, has a much more healthy social life and is generally more active.
On the other hand I have other friends that refuse to aknowledge that such severe gaming habits are effecting them at all and as a result stop talking to friends of over a decade, forget to go to other good friend's weddings, are oblivious to when large groups of friends fly in from across the country to get together within a couple miles of his residence...
I just want to urge you, while yes I'm sure many of these things are very frustrating to you, most of them are voiced to you out of concern for your welfare and carry at least some nugget of truth behind them.
Posts: 1038 | Registered: Feb 2006
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posted
Wait, wait, I'm confused. Was it your friend JF or your father that was objecting to how you sat in the car?
Posts: 10645 | Registered: Jul 2004
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Blayne, I get the feeling you wouldn't necessarily choose to hang out with JF if you didn't have to, is that right?
If that's the case, then stop letting him drive you home (catch a bus, walk, find another lift) and give him the mouse back and buy whatever you can afford to get you through what's necessary.
Get this idiot out of your life and reduce your hassles by one.
We all make compromises with ourselves at some point to get what we want. The trouble with some of those compromises is that they also compromise our integrity as a person, which is usually when drama ensues.
Fewer compromises means fewer dramas - or at least dramas that are simpler to respond to.
Posts: 2245 | Registered: Nov 1998
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Blayne Bradley
unregistered
posted
JF is not my friend hes my dads friend.
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Blayne, I've heard you complain a lot about your situation and your family. I can relate. When I was in high school, I could barely stand my parents. In my eyes, almost everything they did was to try and control me, spite me, or was utterly unfair. I complained about them constantly. Then I moved out and I grew up. A lot of the problems were just as much my fault as theirs.
Do your parents make mistakes? Of course. Everybody does. But think about what it's like for them. They work everyday with some notion that they're doing it for their family and children. And then they come home and their children have little but disdain for them. The children hate living there but they continue to do so because it's the easiest option. They have no gratitude and are blatantly disrespectful. They try to leave the room when you talk to them. They refuse to do something as simple as holding a purse in a car. This is not the life they were hoping for. While you're busy thinking about how much their actions hurt you, you don't seem to stop and think about how your actions hurt them. This is a vicious cycle that just leads to more pain. You do have the power to stop it. If you can swallow your pride and your spite, you can communicate with your family in kind ways. Eventually, they'll do the same. I realize that's much easier to say than to do. I know I certainly wasn't capable of it while in my parents house. I was too stuck in the blame game. But if you can just try and see their lives with a little compassion, it can only bring good things.
Posts: 1947 | Registered: Aug 2002
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posted
I was on a 13-year-hour car trip once with my dad and my middle brother.
After several hours of listening to my brother's music, I didn't want to listen to it anymore. I put in mine. He complained. I said tough.
He spent the next two hundred miles kicking the back of my seat. Passive aggressive little brat.
Not to say that that's what you were doing, but just in case truly no one has ever complained before, I'll do it: People can feel when you are kneeing the back of their seat, and it is uncomfortable for them. Posts: 26077 | Registered: Mar 2000
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Your dad has a friend -- JF -- who drives you to and from various places. In exchange, he gets to come over and use your desktop computer.
When school started, you took your mouse to school, making it impossible to use your computer when you weren't around. This inconvenienced JF, so he bought a nifty new mouse for the machine; your dad presented it to you as a gift.
While driving, JF and your brother frequently make fun of you and your hobbies. You tune them out by listening to your iPod and curling into the fetal position. While in the fetal position, you apply considerable pressure to the back seat of the cars in which you're riding.
JF notices you curled up like this one day, and accuses you of having broken a spring in his seat. He threatens, apparently as "punishment," to take his mouse back, despite the fact that a new mouse costs at most $40 and won't fix his seat, which probably costs more like $300.
You are dismayed by this, not least because it reminds you of a time when your cousin took his books back during exam week, and tell your father. Your father's contribution as described is to tell you to shut up and listen to what he's apparently trying to say; what else he had to say is not conveyed to us.
posted
Sounds like a forced interaction that isn't exactly in anyone's best interest.
I'd annul the whole riding/call of duty trade on principle at the first such instance of 20 minutes of him giving you <grief> over taking Yoga. I mean, I'd rather walk (if it was the only substitute option) than be situationally coerced into having to deal with a disrespectful fellow. The springs and mouses of outrageous fortune seem like null issues in comparison.
Your mileage may literally vary. An X mile walk/bus ride may be too much of a hassle for you. Your parents may also be unaccepting of you taking this stand. I dunno. I'll wait and see how this one works out.
<Edited out profanity --PJ>
[ October 11, 2006, 03:01 PM: Message edited by: Papa Janitor ]
Posts: 15421 | Registered: Aug 2005
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quote: People can feel when you are kneeing the back of their seat, and it is uncomfortable for them.
I don't know that this is always true. It sounds to me like Blayne was applying constant pressure to the back of the seat, which, in my own experience, is rarely noticed. It's the continued movement which is noticed and is definitely extremely annoying.
On another note, my dad, who is the calmest and most in control person I know, cannot stand it when someone just turns and walks away when he's talking. One of the only times I've seen him get visibly upset at another person was when a kid did that to him. So just walking away may not always be the best route. At the very least say that you feel the conversation is futile and then make your exit. I know you probably didn't mean it, but I imagine your dad saw you walking away as a sign of extreme disrespect.
Apologies if I'm reading the situation completely wrong.
Oh, and if you have a Goodwill or its equivalent or a pawn shop or thrift store or anything, they usually have ... mouses (?) for really cheap. Or garage sales. If you're desperate.
Posts: 2827 | Registered: Jul 2005
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Blayne, I have at least one spare USB optical mouse. Email me your address and I'll send it to you. I bought it for 5 bucks from a buddy a few years ago for my laptop, and I don't use it anymore.
It's honestly not worth the hassle for you to be indebted to a guy who gave/loaned you a mouse.
Posts: 5462 | Registered: Apr 2005
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Blayne Bradley
unregistered
posted
Thing is I have (-) 200$ so I couldnt get one from a pawn shop even if I wanted to, and I said more or less that "if you do not wish to hear my side of it then there is no reaosn for me to be here" and thenI walk off.
email mr Spang. Hatrack is now officially my donation bin.
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Blayne Bradley
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posted
The pressue I exert at a back of aid seat is as Tom says constant, and I have done it in every car/bus I have ever ridden in and never once had I been informed that it can in anyways break a spring in the seat something which I believe was complete coincidence.
EDIT: I was not being talken to though, they were talking to each other I was told to shut up when I was trying to defend myself and was told to stay when I decided that the convesation nolonger held any relevence ot me (since I am obviously not allowed to be a party to it)
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If you have not been informed, then either the seat was thick enough that no one noticed or else there is the very real possibility that if it's not too constant and annoying, it's not worth it to complain to a kid who is curled up in the fetal position.
I don't think you broke the seat. I do think that what you were doing can be very annoying depending on the seat. School bus seats are thick enough that it's fine, but I can definitely tell when someone does it in my car or in a movie theatre.
You can keep doing it, but I think it would be much more polite to make sure the person in front of you does not mind.
Posts: 26077 | Registered: Mar 2000
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Blayne Bradley
unregistered
posted
I personally what to do the following:
-Give back the mouse -Give back his Call of Duty CD's (they were his originally but leant them to me because he does not have the internet)
-Nolonger accept rides from and and refuse to let him use my computer in the future.
Reasons:
-Accusing me of breaking something that while I may have concievably did soemthing to contribute to does not nessasarily prove that I alone caused a spring to break/popoff from the seat there is no evidence.
-Give me <grief> not just that time but every car ride before such as:
(a) put doubt on my life decisions example going to College
(b) insult my habits aka playing video games when hes being a hypocrit
(c) insults my choice of TV, I was watching "Akagi" one day on my laptop and he insults it as being a little kids show when it is obivosuly meant for an older audience.
-Threatening to take back the mouse for something I did not do.
-By a supreme lack of understanding and forsight added another fight in the household as my father to force to go to bed disconnected my router.
-Calling me a homosexual for taking Yoga and showing interest in Tai-Chi.
<Edited out profanity --PJ>
[ October 11, 2006, 03:25 PM: Message edited by: Papa Janitor ]
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Blayne, the beauty of the situation is that you don't need reasons. You gain nothing in this situation by elaborating on them.
Return his CDs and his mouse and find a ride elsewhere. You don't need to ever discuss your reasons with him.
Posts: 37449 | Registered: May 1999
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posted
Back when I was taking courses in negotiation, someone made the point that any offer of information was just that: an offer. If you're upset with someone and tell them why, you've just given them something.
This isn't inherently a bad thing. But in a situation where the primary dispute is over, say, power, or where information is likely to be used against you, you don't want to just hand this stuff out. In fact, to a certain type of person, it will make you appear weak; when dealing with those sorts of people, you must first cause them to ask what's on your mind, and then graciously volunteer that information (or not, depending on your goals). Simply offering it early comes across to them as desperation.
It is not necessary for people to understand your motivations in order for you to deal effectively with them.
Posts: 37449 | Registered: May 1999
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quote:Originally posted by katharina: If you have not been informed, then either the seat was thick enough that no one noticed or else there is the very real possibility that if it's not too constant and annoying, it's not worth it to complain to a kid who is curled up in the fetal position.
I don't think you broke the seat. I do think that what you were doing can be very annoying depending on the seat. School bus seats are thick enough that it's fine, but I can definitely tell when someone does it in my car or in a movie theatre.
You can keep doing it, but I think it would be much more polite to make sure the person in front of you does not mind.
I do that in pretty much every seat when I want to relax. In fact, when I'm stuck on an airplane, that's how I sleep. Tilt my chair back and curl up in the fetal position with my knees resting on the back of the seat in front of me. No one complains.
posted
Blayne may not have a ride elsewhere, short of his parents, who may not be too thrilled if he just throws away a ride to and from school.
While I am not saying that Blayne is at fault for this or any of the other problems that he has posted on this forum, I start to get suspicious when there are always problems, week after week, that are never the poster's fault.
Might Blayne really have no part to play in this guy and other people being a jerk to him? Sure. In my experience with Blayne on this forum, he's been o.k., and I haven't seen that he instigates fights. I think you're a nice guy, Blayne.
I do think that it is a good thing to cultivate to be able to step back and see what part one plays in any conflict. I know I'm at fault quite frequently, for example, and it's something I'm constantly working on.
Anyways, hope everything works out. I'm not trying to disprespect you or anything, I'm just trying to offer advice on the best way to resolve the conflict. If part of the problem is you, then the conflict never goes away.
Posts: 13123 | Registered: Feb 2002
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Either they can't feel it (which is possible) or else they are too polite to say something.
If someone else can feel it, it is intrusive. It may be okay with them, but it's polite to ask before making someone else uncomfortable.
Posts: 26077 | Registered: Mar 2000
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posted
Let me second Tom on this; your course of action is highly reasonable, but there's no need to tell him your reasons. Just cut the scum off. It might be nice to give him a piece of your mind, but the likelihood is that he would not listen, in fact would interrupt. If you absolutely must flame him, do so by email or letter or something (and for the love of God, do spellcheck it first or he'll laugh at you) so he won't get a chance to fight back.
Posts: 10645 | Registered: Jul 2004
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posted
I wouldn't advise "flaming" him for any reason. He's your dad's friend, and disrespecting him will only anger your father. Just don't enter into any arrangements with him.
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