posted
So... last week, my partner totalled the car. She was late to work, in a hurry, and she took her eyes off the road just long enough for the guy in front of her to decide that he wanted to stop for a left turn.
She's fine, thank God, and neither the car in front of her nor its driver were harmed (except for some bumper scratching), but the car is a dead loss.
The next day at work, a guy I know there asked what was wrong, and I said, "My partner totalled the car last night".
Today, he saw me in the little kitchen thing we have here, and asked me how the car stuff was going. I said fine, other than the car being, you know, dead and all. And then he asked me, "Is he okay?"
My first thought was that he meant the driver of the other car. And then I realized that he doesn't know I'm gay. Normally, my reaction would be, "My partner? She's fine." Instead, I said, "My partner's fine."
And now I'm trying to figure out why I did that. The guy in question doesn't seem at all like he'd have some sort of homophobic reaction to knowing that I'm a lesbian. The only thing I can think of is that I was starving, and I didn't feel like going through the whole, "Really? I didn't know you were a lesbian" schtick, if it happened.
But I don't actually know. It seems odd.
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posted
Weird. Did you have a hard time coming out to your family? Maybe your brain just went haywire and you went into "Don't tell anybody!" mode.
Or maybe there is no explanation. I remember very clearly once when I was eighteen, somebody asked me how old I was, and I very deliberately replied, "Sixteen," but for no reason I could fathom then or now. It was so weird.
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quote:Originally posted by Libbie: Weird. Did you have a hard time coming out to your family? Maybe your brain just went haywire and you went into "Don't tell anybody!" mode.
I don't know. No, I didn't have any problem with my family. It was my third "coming out" with them, and it's honestly the least of them. They have far more issues with me being Orthodox.
quote:Originally posted by Libbie: Or maybe there is no explanation. I remember very clearly once when I was eighteen, somebody asked me how old I was, and I very deliberately replied, "Sixteen," but for no reason I could fathom then or now. It was so weird.
I know, right? And I know that my "unconscious computer" reaches decisions without my having any earthly idea, consciously, what the reasons are. Like in the book Blink. But ordinarily, I can think about it and at least get a glimmer of why I did it.
posted
likely if you were tired you just didn't want to get into it...or you didn't feel like correcting him.
a Freudian would probably read something into it, like maybe you secretly have a crush on the coworker or still have unresolved issues with your mother...but most likely you can just attribute it to being hungry and tired and not wanting to get into a conversation about your orientation at the time.
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quote:Originally posted by Lisa: The only thing I can think of is that I was starving, and I didn't feel like going through the whole, "Really? I didn't know you were a lesbian" schtick, if it happened.
But I don't actually know. It seems odd.
That actually sounds like a perfectly reasonable motivation to me. Simply because it sounds like something I would do--"aww, don't feel like taking the energy to correct this assumption just now."
I wouldn't overanalyze it. You're certainly very straightforward here, and I imagine you are no different irl.
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posted
And I'm glad your partner's okay. I hope no sneaky after effects creep up. I know I thought I was fine immediately after an accident about a year ago, but I was already going to a chiropractor and had to go a lot more frequently after that.
I hope all goes well with insurance and replacing the totalled car.
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quote:Originally posted by Lisa: The only thing I can think of is that I was starving, and I didn't feel like going through the whole, "Really? I didn't know you were a lesbian" schtick, if it happened.
But I don't actually know. It seems odd.
That actually sounds like a perfectly reasonable motivation to me. Simply because it sounds like something I would do--"aww, don't feel like taking the energy to correct this assumption just now."
I wouldn't overanalyze it. You're certainly very straightforward here, and I imagine you are no different irl.
Actually, I'm told that I'm pretty softspoken in real life. Hard as that might be to believe. I'll say the same things, but you can do that in a disarming way in the real world, and it just comes across as strident online. <shrug>
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quote:Originally posted by Uprooted: And I'm glad your partner's okay. I hope no sneaky after effects creep up. I know I thought I was fine immediately after an accident about a year ago, but I was already going to a chiropractor and had to go a lot more frequently after that.
I hope she's okay, too. She refused to let me take her to the hospital, and she hasn't been complaining of anything in the 6 days since the accident. Other than me not picking up around the house, but that's nothing new. <grin>
quote:Originally posted by Uprooted: I hope all goes well with insurance and replacing the totalled car.
Insurance, yes. We haven't decided yet about replacing the car. She's supposed to find out tomorrow whether she got a job she interviewed for, which is 4 blocks from where we live. So we may not.
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You were in "Accident story" mode and not "Hey I'm gay, didn't you know" mode. Jumping trains of thought from one track to another is difficult.
Besides, the guy sounds nice. He was being sympathetic to you. You didn't want to embarass him right then.
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posted
Yeah, but now, when he finds out, it's going to look like I was embarrassed to say I was gay, or something.
Oh... this just in. We have this system of recording personnel changes, and I do a lot of the coding on it. I was just asked what it would take to add some fields to it. One of them is a checkbox with the following caption: "Please check this box if you would liike to self-identify as openly gay." Wha-? That's the dumbest thing I've ever seen. Why on earth would they need that for a personal form?
When my manager brought it to me, I suggested that instead of a checkbox, we could add a dropdown, with selections like:
Openly gay
Completely closeted
Mostly out, but my parents don't know yet
Straight, but I'd do Angelina Jolie
Why? Are you interested?
He didn't think they'd go for it.
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posted
I read a survey last year, where a very high percentage of women who identified as exclusively heterosexual said that they'd make an exception for Angelina. Personally, I'd take Jennifer over Angelina any day.
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Because if you are attracted to any woman you are not pure hetero stuff. Or whatever the opposite wording is for men.
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posted
I can think someone is extremely attractive-- without being attracted to her. I wonder how many of the respondents would really "do" Angelina.
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posted
I'd take Jennifer over Angelina any day as well.
Anyway, I don't think it's that big a deal that you sidestepped the issue. Why should you be obligated to deal with telling someone every time they broach the issue (even unknowingly)? If you don't feel like it, you don't feel like it, and there's nothing to feel weird or guilty about.
And as for your partner, I'd try insisting again that she let you take her to the hospital. It could be that she has injuries she can't feel or fully appreciate yet. Sometimes these things take months or years to fully develop, and by that time it's far too late to do anything about it. It's always better to be safe than sorry in these situations.
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quote:Yeah, but now, when he finds out, it's going to look like I was embarrassed to say I was gay, or something.
More likely, IMO (if he was/is at all conscious), he will smack his own forehead. "Do'h! That's why she acted weird when I asked about her partner."
It sounds like your instinct (hunger, fatigue) is pretty good. These things don't all have whys. Sometimes, after the momentary hesitation, it feels like making the correction (which would have been so easy and natural 1/30th of a second earlier) is now going to be making too big a deal of it. So we hesitate further, and further still, and then the moment is past.
And then we dash to hatrack
Ditto on well-wishes to drivers, cars, insurance dockets, and bank-accounts.
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posted
A further thought -- I've read Social Intelligence (Goleman). Not my usual kind of read, but I found it extraordinarily eye-opening.
He basically surveys brain studies (modern neuroscience using FMRImaging, etc.) that are tackling some of the "softer" questions in psychology, such as what it means to be in love, to feel nurtured, to be compassionate, to lack empathy, etc.
A consistent theme is the interplay between what he terms the brain's "low" and "high" roads -- the amygdala, center of fear/flight response, and the frontal cortex, center of reasoning (very loosely put).
When we are stressed outside certain limits (for example, hungry, tired, our partner just had an accident), the natural ability of the "high road" to govern the flashpoint instincts of the "low" is degraded -- this is actually reflected in chemical levels in the body.
So there may actually not be a "why" in this case -- your puzzlement at not being able to discern "reason" may reflect the fact that your response was primarily from the non-reasoning brain center.
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posted
I don't think it's odd at all. Honestly, I do it with Aerin. If I'm tired or in a rush or just plain don't feel like explaining, I give her adjusted age if people ask. I also mostly just tell people that her hemangioma is a benign tumor that's going to be surgically removed in the spring. I'm certainly not ashamed that she was a micropreemie or that she has a hemangioma, but I don't always want to launch into explanations when I'm trying to get things done with a baby in tow. I do feel a bit guilty when I don't explain about her age, because I feel that it's my duty to educate the general public about prematurity however I can. It's just that Aerin has a freaky charisma and we live in the South, so a lot of people come up to us wherever we go.
Your parents don't have issues with you being gay, but they do with you being Orthodox? Wow, I don't think I've ever encountered that one. Most of the issues my Jewish friends' parents have is that they're not doctors. Posts: 3037 | Registered: Jan 2002
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Cate Blanchett, Kate Winslet, or Catherine Zeta-Jones
Maybe it's some bizarre form of self-worship - we all have the same name. That's also more of a list of who I want to BE than anything else.
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quote:Originally posted by Mrs.M: Your parents don't have issues with you being gay, but they do with you being Orthodox? Wow, I don't think I've ever encountered that one. Most of the issues my Jewish friends' parents have is that they're not doctors.
Being gay doesn't prevent me from going out to a restaurant with my family, or driving over to their house for a family dinner on Friday night.
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posted
LOL we should have a "who'd you do?" thread. Mine is Meg Ryan really but I am Angelina over Jennifer myself. Catherine Zeta-Jones is pretty sexy too, I must add.
Lisa, I have to say I am just impressed that you can be as open as you about it. Many lesbians I know would respond that way as a general practice or more accurately would have mentioned their partner as "roomate" or "friend" as part of the conversation instead.
Why don't you give it a day and then just go tell him?
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posted
No, I was replying to blacwolve before yours showed up. Grr I should give up and go back to my normal SN and ignoring the world.
Posts: 34 | Registered: Dec 2006
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quote:Originally posted by MandyM: LOL we should have a "who'd you do?" thread. Mine is Meg Ryan really but I am Angelina over Jennifer myself. Catherine Zeta-Jones is pretty sexy too, I must add.
John Cusack. Maybe.
quote:Originally posted by MandyM: Lisa, I have to say I am just impressed that you can be as open as you about it. Many lesbians I know would respond that way as a general practice or more accurately would have mentioned their partner as "roomate" or "friend" as part of the conversation instead.
I don't generally think of it as an issue any more. Except like in very Orthodox environs.
quote:Originally posted by MandyM: Why don't you give it a day and then just go tell him?
Nah. Telling is making a thing out of it. I mean, no one comes up to me and says, "Incidentally, I'm heterosexual." <grin.
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When we are stressed outside certain limits (for example, hungry, tired, our partner just had an accident), the natural ability of the "high road" to govern the flashpoint instincts of the "low" is degraded -- this is actually reflected in chemical levels in the body.
So there may actually not be a "why" in this case -- your puzzlement at not being able to discern "reason" may reflect the fact that your response was primarily from the non-reasoning brain center.
Lisa wrote:
Interesting. Disturbing, but interesting.
I don't think it needs to be all that disturbing in the general case. The mechanism I described has evolved to fit homo sapiens for survival as a social animal.
In a situation interpreted by the brain as stressful/threatening, a variety of more primitive processing centers are temporarily given greater influence (chemically), enhancing, for example, our alertness and sensitivity to expressions of anger, fear, and disgust in the faces of people around us. You can see how this would benefit clans, tribes, and families by allowing whole communities to learn from a single survival event, and not require that every individual touch the hot coal or eat the poisonous plant.
The higher-reasoning functions alone are not enough for survival. The whole brain balances off a variety of these tools and impulses in an exquisite dance.
Anyway, I do find this interesting. End of detour.
[ December 12, 2006, 01:39 PM: Message edited by: John Van Pelt ]
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My first thought would have been, "Wow! I didn't know she was a detective!" But eventually I would have figured it out, as I'm sure he did. Most breeders don't refer to their SO as their 'partner'.
---
If I had to pick a member of my gender to poke, it would have to be Johnny Depp. My lady friend has mentioned many a time that she would change teams for Angelina.
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quote:So there may actually not be a "why" in this case -- your puzzlement at not being able to discern "reason" may reflect the fact that your response was primarily from the non-reasoning brain center.
Lisa wrote:
Interesting. Disturbing, but interesting.
I don't think it needs to all that disturbing in the general case. The mechanism I described has evolved to fit homo sapiens for survival as a social animal.
I know, but I try to be as conscious as possible. I don't like the idea that I did something that way. Ego, I suppose.
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posted
Lisa, too bad about the car, but I'm so glad that no one is hurt. I can understand about the unintended reticence -- sometimes the conversation is too much effort if you're not up for it, I guess.
quote:Actually, I'm told that I'm pretty softspoken in real life.
I'd love to meet you some time, to see this for myself.
quote:Personally, I'd take Jennifer over Angelina any day.
I'm a little out of touch. Who is Jennifer? Link, please, so that I can fully evaluate.
And I'd be interested in Susan Sarandon or Amy Irving.
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posted
The turn this thread has taken makes me giggle a bit.
I find Angelina pretty icky.
Julia Stiles would be on my list as well, AJ, along with Catherine Zeta-Jones and Kate Winslett (from Kat's list). I'm mainly responding to names on other people's lists; I don't know that I've ever thought about it beyond, "Wow, she's really very pretty; I wish I looked like that!" (until now, of course.)
Oh, here's one that isn't on any other list: If she were still alive and looked the way she did in Rear Window, Grace Kelly.
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quote:Originally posted by The Pixiest: "Straight, but I'd do Angelina Jolie"
....
I know some women who fit this description.
I think I fit this one... except I'd add Alyssa Milano and Jessica Alba.
I hope your partner is really doing fine and not complaining for the sake of keeping quiet. I wrecked a roommate's car and did my best to keep quiet because I felt so awful. Hope she's alright! I vote for taking her to the hospital too.
Posts: 168 | Registered: Feb 2006
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Angelina are his "sloppy seconds" because they were married. They used to have a vial of eachother's blood on necklaces they wore all the time. w~~~~~~~~ierd.
'sides, I like the girl next door type and Angelina is too exotic for me.
quote:Originally posted by The Pixiest: Tante: Ever seen "Swingblade?"
Nope. I don't even think I've heard of it. I think I must be living in a bubble, or something.
quote:They used to have a vial of eachother's blood on necklaces they wore all the time. w~~~~~~~~ierd.
That IS weird. But these celebrity types are always too hungry for attention, and will do any kind of dumb stunt as long as they think people will talk about it. No?
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I remember very clearly once when I was eighteen, somebody asked me how old I was, and I very deliberately replied, "Sixteen," but for no reason I could fathom then or now. It was so weird.
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or still have unresolved issues with your mother...but most likely you can just attribute it to being hungry and tired and not wanting to get into a conversation about your orientation at the time.
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