posted
All right troops, I wrote the book, now I have to dance. Here is the query letter, I'll thank everyone in advance for doing what you all do. Snipe away.
This is the first draft. The Second draft is the 28th post on this page.
quote:In my literary novel Adam’s Landing, a deeply incompetent seventeen year-old track athlete follows his girlfriend to college, excepting she is not quite his girlfriend, and he was not accepted to Princeton. He finds himself at the University of California, Berkeley with an injured back and his only reason for studying 3,000 miles away, blissfully unaware of his affections. He takes 83,000 words and the advice of three colorful friends to find his place in this world, searching for dignity and responsibility through education.
Claymore Roe sees ignorance in the mirror and does not blink. After failing an essay on the topic of dignity as a freshman, he spends the next four years in earnest, bungling pursuit of understanding the human condition. Aeschylus writes, “All knowledge comes from suffering,” and Claymore travails awkwardly through love, physical beating, and his rigorous curriculum. Never missing a chance at embarrassment or torture, he gains an awful wisdom at the steps of the University of California.
In 1998 I served as the Student Body President of the University of California and have since graduated with my Bachelor's in Philosophy, with an emphasis in ethics. I am currently in graduate school at the University of Chicago studying literature and ethics. In addition to being a proficient classical musician, my knowledge as an African American classical scholar has afforded me a rare perspective into the assumptions undergirding public education in our democracy, and I have brought this knowledge to bear on Adam’s Landing.
The completed manuscript is available upon request. A self-addressed stamped envelope is included for your convenience. Thank you for your time. I look forward to hearing from you soon.
posted
Why is Adam's Landing not italicized the second time?
Who are these two people? Is Claymore Roe not the "deeply incompetent" 17 yo? He takes 83,000 words --> What does that mean?
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quote:In my literary novel Adam’s Landing, a deeply incompetent seventeen year-old track athlete follows his girlfriend to college, excepting she is not quite his girlfriend and he was not accepted to Princeton.
Is he deeply incompetent only in track or is he a deeply incompetent seventeen-year-old who also is a track athlete? Also, I'm pretty sure you mean that he wants this girl to be his girlfriend but she doesn't know he exists; however, if that's what you mean, why be so vague about it? I'm having a little bit of trouble understanding how you can say he follows her to college when it seems he just goes to his own college and stews about her. And for how long does he stew about her? Long enough for this to be the first sentence of your query letter?
quote: He finds himself at the University of California, Berkeley, with an injured back and his only reason for studying 3,000 miles way, blissfully unaware of his affections.
Why is she his reason for studying?
quote: He takes 83,000 words and the advice of three colorful friends to find his place in this world, searching for dignity and responsibility through education.
I have no idea what it means to take 83,000 words. Does he write a book? Or, does he read something that long? Or what? Especially in a query letter, I'd opt for clarity over creativity.
quote:Claymore Roe sees ignorance in the mirror and does not blink.
This is the first time you say his name is Claymore Roe. I think you should mention it in your first sentence.
quote:After failing an essay on the topic of dignity as a freshman, he spends the next four years in earnest, bungling pursuit of understanding the human condition.
This sentence is fine except that I read it the first three times as "he spends the next four years in earnest--bungling pursuit of understanding . . . " and got really confused before figuring out it was "earnest, bungling pursuit." Adding a the before "earnest" could solve this problem (because "in earnest" is a common phrase).
quote:Aeschylus writes, “All knowledge comes from suffering,” and as Claymore travails awkwardly through love, physical beating, and his rigorous curriculum, never missing a chance at embarrassment or torture, he gains an awful wisdom at the steps of the University of California.
No problems here. Maybe I'd decide between "a physical beating" and "physical beatings" to be clearer which you mean.
quote:In 1998 I served as the Student Body President of the University of California and have since graduated with my Bachelors in Philosophy, with an emphasis in ethics. I am currently in graduate school at the University of Chicago studying literature and ethics. In addition to being a proficient classical musician, my knowledge as an African American classical scholar has afforded me a rare perspective into the assumptions which undergird public education in a democracy, and I have brought this knowledge to bear on Adam’s Landing.
I'm not sure whether a short bio is common procedure in a query, but if it is, this one's good.
And the last bit is just business, so I'll leave it alone.
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posted
You've got a handful of typos in there, "way/away" being the most obvious.
The synopsis also ensures that it's a book I would never consider reading -- but if that's the type of book it is, then it's done its job.
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posted
Yes. I dislike being harsh, and these synopsis-type treatments suffer from an excited lack of editing, (as is natural when you've completed a huge work), but if your synopsis is an 75% effective piece of writing, then what will the novel be?
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quote:I dislike being harsh, and these synopsis-type treatments suffer from an excited lack of editing, (as is natural when you've completed a huge work), but if your synopsis is an 75% effective piece of writing, then what will the novel be?
You mean what is the novel, and the answer is my best. I imagine that's all it will ever be.
quote:The synopsis also ensures that it's a book I would never consider reading -- but if that's the type of book it is, then it's done its job.
I think it's a book you'd never consider reading, but I do think that the slimmer percentage people who would consider reading it would enjoy it immensely. As to the typos, I don't know enough about grammar to see them. Except for Brinestone's suggestions(Thanks Brin), the letter as it stands is as clean as I write. I suspect I have moderate dyslexia, but I've never been tested. I didn't see the good in it.
Friday, Go Bears, with a caveat. My time at Cal was bittersweet, and the book doesn't cheerlead too much for the school. Mostly, the kids I chronicle have to grapple with the disparity between what is expected to happen in college, what does happen in college, and what ought to happen in college, and how the triumvirate don't always dance in a merry three-handed jig. I just happen to know Berkeley well enough, and care enough about public education, to be able to put this story down in hard fiction.
________
It's a story about a kid who did everything for the wrong reason, then tries mightily and often unsuccessfully to find what the right reasons are and act accordingly. The part I'm most worried about is that the book is an ensemble piece. Claymore only takes up 35 or 40 percent; it's just that this guide I have on query letters says to focus on the main character.
Brinestone,
I followed the structure of this sample query letter, and it says to put a paragraph bio at the end.
This has got to go. Your character doesn't do anything of the kind; you are taking 83000 words. Zero points for trying to be clever.
Posts: 10645 | Registered: Jul 2004
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posted
Just a note: You have asked for thoughts on your query letter -- and now you seem to be defending your query letter against those who took the time to give you their thoughts as if they were attacking it.
It would probably be more helpful to you to try to incorporate these questions and criticisms into a new, better version of your query letter.
Although I have no wish to attack (or critique) your letter -- it is not perfect.
Posts: 2267 | Registered: May 2005
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posted
*chuckles* Am I really all that defensive? Tom said it doesn't sound like something he'd be interested in, and I agreed, it's probably not something he would be interested in. He loved Jonathan Strange and Mr Norrell. I found the book deeply tiresome. We all don't like the same things. It's cool. I think I'll summon the will to go on. He is being frank, and that's a good thing.
Phanto said, veiled but there, whatever mind put together this query probably couldn't put together a book worth reading. Which is a distinctly possibly, made doubly possible by the fact that I kind of like the synopsis. It's clunky in parts, and I have to do a better job of linking in showing that the guy in the first paragraph is the same as the guy in the second. I can't say much about the quality of the book. The book is written. The baby has been had.
The "takes 83,000 words" I lifted from this sample query letter:
"Be concise without sounding dry. No matter which of the opening strategies outlined below you choose, be sure to cleverly work in the essentials the agent needs to know: Title, Length (word count), Genre (mystery, fantasy, mainstream, etc.)... [here is one of the samples]When the lonely main character of Under an August Moon falls in love with a man with a murderous streak, it takes her 90,000 words to win back her life."
I liked it so I lifted it. While I may think Phanto is a putz, I think Brinestone, Tom, and King of Men all brought up really good issues. On the one hand, I figure any agent or editor who flips through twenty of these a day will clue in to the 83,000 words bit immediately, and if they are anything like me, they appreciate the hip-- there is a reason I chose to lift that particular line of all of the sample letters-- or it's possible given that I'm playing with the subjects of Claymore and education and add a conjunction, the editor or agent may think that Claymore reads or writes 83,000 words in the story, in which case I led them down the wrong path.
I do do do definitely appreciate the comments. Keep them coming please. And while I'm not running out to appease anyone, it's good to know where any possible confusion may occur. The posters have been really considerate with their comments. Thanks again, as ever, I'd love it if you keep it up.
posted
Oh, okay. I was confused...I did think the 83,000 words was implying that Claymore wrote a book himself. Also, the title confused me, since I was expecting the main character to be named Adam. I thought at first that Claymore was one of Adam's three friends.
Good luck with the book!
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quote:He finds himself at the University of California, Berkeley with an injured back and his only reason for studying 3,000 miles away, blissfully unaware of his affections.
It took me several rereads to realise that "his only reason for studying" referred back to his not quite girlfriend. Possibly its only me being confused; possibly it would be clearer if you inserted another "with".
quote:Aeschylus writes, “All knowledge comes from suffering,” and as Claymore travails awkwardly through love, physical beating, and his rigorous curriculum, never missing a chance at embarrassment or torture, he gains an awful wisdom at the steps of the University of California.
"Awful wisdom"? Maybe it's because I'm not a native speaker, but this sounds to me like a strange, or awkward, juxtaposition. Hmm, a google search indicate that the phrase is used, although not commonly. Mostly about "awful wisdom teeth ache" .
Anyway, best of luck with the book, Irami! Let us know how it goes. I for one would be interested in reading the finished product.
Posts: 896 | Registered: Feb 2001
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posted
If it's an ensemble piece -- particularly if it has multiple narrators -- then you should probably mention that.
Posts: 37449 | Registered: May 1999
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quote: He finds himself at the University of California, Berkeley with an injured back and his only reason for studying 3,000 miles away, blissfully unaware of his affections. --------------------------------------------------------------------------------
It took me several rereads to realise that "his only reason for studying" referred back to his not quite girlfriend. Possibly its only me being confused; possibly it would be clearer if you inserted another "with".
That's something I have to fix, and I fear the problem is bigger than adding another "with." I'm thinking about just changing it to someting like, "He finds himself at the University of California, Berkeley, 3,000 miles away from Regina Williams, his only reason for attempting college, blissfully unaware of his affections." But there are two subjects in that sentence and it feels like a run-on.
quote: "Awful wisdom"? Maybe it's because I'm not a native speaker, but this sounds to me like a strange, or awkward, juxtaposition.
When Martin Luther King died in 1968, Bobby Kennedy spoke. There were threats of riots because when civil rights leaders are assassinated or your team wins the game, there is something that makes you want to throw a brick through an Ikea window and take a dinnette set for your trouble. I imagine the 18th century French were similarly disposed.
Kennedy spoke to quell the crowd and give perspective. He excerpted a section of Aeschylus' Agamemnon, "Even in our sleep, pain which cannot forget falls drop by drop upon the heart, until, in our own despair, against our will, comes wisdom through the awful grace of God."
If you read the play, earlier Aeschylus writes, "all knowledge comes from suffering," which I happen to believe. I just think we can learn from vicariously suffering through other's stories, fact or fiction.
How much did we learn from the Holocaust about the potential effects of democracy and bureaucracy? That tie between knowledge and suffering, wisdom and tragedy is intimate.
The knowledge borne by suffering can be called the awful grace of God, but I chose "awful wisdom."
I toss the phrase out in the book once, and I like the imagines it portrays.
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posted
I think the circumstances of his arrival at Berkeley instead of Princeton are what make that sentence confusing. Why does he go to Berkeley when she's at Princeton?
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posted
To run track, taking the long view that he'll meet her again at the Olympics. He hurts his back and has to figure out what to do with the rest of his life.
This is the paragraph last of the first chapter.
quote:At the end of the season in his senior year, he received two letters, both of which he read sitting in his tiny room on the edge of his bed. The first small letter informed him that Princeton was neither interested in his academic prowess nor his athleticism, the second was a huge letter explaining that the admissions committee at University of California, Berkeley were keen on both his wits and vigor. Claymore took a moment to think on the consequences of both letters. He then stood in his room, lofted his leg upon the hurdle by his bedside and started stretching. In the light of those two letters along with everything he had learned since that Saturday in 1996, a little over two years before, he decided to win Gina’s heart by going to the Olympics. He practiced snapping down his trailleg for a half hour before heading to dinner.
posted
Egad. So we're talking about a character who's not quite as intelligent as Dustin Hoffman in The Graduate, then.
How much of a role does she play in the book? As a mechanism to get him into college, I'm afraid she might be too peripheral to mention in your query.
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posted
The guy is dim. I needed him to be an intellectual orphan, at school, a rube emotionally and intellectually uninvested in education.
She appears in the middle of the book, and most importantly, later in the book, when a kid asks him why he went to college, I needed him to have the most incompetent reason I could think of.
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posted
Okay. I'd cut her out of the query, then, since it's not really all that relevant to the storyline. Perhaps something like:
quote:Unable to follow the object of his affections to Princeton, Claymore naively resolves to impress her by turning a track scholarship at UC-Berkeley into Olympic gold. A back injury shatters his ambitions and leaves him stranded on the West Coast with no real backup plan in mind.
quote:Originally posted by Tristan: Awful wisdom"? Maybe it's because I'm not a native speaker, but this sounds to me like a strange, or awkward, juxtaposition. Hmm, a google search indicate that the phrase is used, although not commonly.
Actually, I really enjoyed the phrase. If I were going to pick a favorite choice of words from the entire piece, it'd be that one. It's just so...right, you know? Well, right to my ear, anyway.
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quote:Unable to follow the object of his affections to Princeton, Claymore naively resolves to impress her by turning a track scholarship at UC-Berkeley into Olympic gold. A back injury shatters his ambitions and leaves him stranded on the West Coast with no real backup plan in mind.
I'm going with the naivete being shown and not told. And I was wrong about the back injury. It's not so much the back injury as much as failing the paper on dignity that leads him to reevaluate what he is doing and why.
Here is the excerpt:
quote:Stories worked powerfully in Claymore, and the stories of Socrates and Dudley and Stevens nagged at him throughout track practice. After practice, he went to the library and wrote his paper on dignity. He described warming up for the finals of the 110 high hurdles at the Arcadia track meet, the crowd, the lights, the community of hurdlers all stretching on the same swath of grass, the knowledge that his practice as an individual and the collective work of the entire field of competitors had led to this moment. He wrote the life and fear flooding him was he took the starting blocks, knowing that nothing was more important than what he was doing at that moment. He wrote the deep breathing exercises, the visualization, and finally, the fleeting moments where he felt his dignity, as the starter's gun went off. He had placed fourth in the meet. He did not need a medal. He retained his memory, and for 14.5 seconds, he felt like a man.
"She gave you an F?" Greg asked.
“It was a popular grade,” Claymore nodded. "I think that's why half the class dropped."
"Maybe. I wrote that dignity wasn't something that I knew about or could express in words." Greg had received an A- on his paper. "Are you going to drop the class?"
"I don't think I can."
"Sure you can." Greg replied. “The drop deadline isn't for another four weeks.”
“It's not that.”
Claymore got out the paper to show him. Greg glanced at the F and attending criticism with suspicion, as if failing grades were a contagion wise minds avoided. He kept his distance.
"You still have five weeks to drop."
"I'm curious about what's next."
"Curiousity, the killer of cats and GPAs. Curiosity is dangerous business, just ask Adam."
"I haven't had an apple in years."
"Adam wanted to be like God, to decide Good and Evil instead of reading the signs laid down by God and abiding."
"An 'F' is a pretty big sign."
“Well, are you going to abide?”
Whether this paper was a sign laid down by God or Professor Klingman, or God in the body of Professor Klingman, there is a deeply personal aspect about receiving an F on dignity. Was all track petty vanity? He drifted off into an uncomfortable sleep until he heard a knock on his door.
quote:I'm going with the naivete being shown and not told.
While this is commendable in the novel, I'm not sure whether it's necessary -- or even possible -- in a short query letter.
I like the excerpt. It makes me want to read more. And Claymore seems rather clever in his way afterall.
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posted
Indeed; you cannot possibly show-not-tell in a two-paragraph summary! The query is not the novel, it is a business letter, and it should get to the point. That means telling. You don't have time to show.
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quote: Phanto said, veiled but there, whatever mind put together this query probably couldn't put together a book worth reading. Which is a distinctly possibly, made doublely possible by the fact that I kind of like the synopsis. It's clunky in parts, and I have to do a better job of linking in showing that the guy in the first paragraph is the same as the guy in the second. I can't say much about the quality of the book. The book is written. The baby has been had.
quote: Yes. I dislike being harsh, and these synopsis-type treatments suffer from an excited lack of editing, (as is natural when you've completed a huge work), but if your synopsis is an 75% effective piece of writing, then what will the novel be?
a) These synopsis-type treatments suffer from an excited lack of editing, which is natural, b) if your synopsis is a 75% effective piece of writing, then what will the novel be?
joined by, "but"
indicating that a) I feel the synopsis needs to be edited more and that b) this lack of editing makes the synopsis a "75%" piece of work that reflects badly on the novel.
Perhaps you can find connotations there that indicate that I think you can't put a book together. If so, then I am sorry, as that was not my original intent.
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quote:Originally posted by TomDavidson: Unable to follow the object of his affections to Princeton, Claymore naively resolves to impress her by turning a track scholarship at UC-Berkeley into Olympic gold. A back injury shatters his ambitions and leaves him stranded on the West Coast with no real backup plan in mind.
Seeing as how I haven't read the book, I can't comment on how good of a job this does at summarizing it. However, as a reader this sort of synopsis makes me much more likely to be interested in reading the book than the original did.
Posts: 2437 | Registered: Apr 2005
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quote: The literary novel Adam’s Landing is an ensemble piece revolving around a track athlete who followed a girl to college. Claymore Roe had studied in high school and applied to college in pursuit of Regina Williams. When she enrolls at Princeton and he is shunted off 3,000 miles away to UC-Berkeley, Claymore's college courses, failing grades and injured back turn him away from track and send him stumbling towards virtue.
After Claymore fails an essay on "dignity," he spends the next four years in an earnest, bungling quest to understand the human condition. Aeschylus writes, “All knowledge comes from suffering,” and Claymore travails awkwardly through love, physical beatings, and his curriculum, gaining an awful wisdom at the steps of the University of California.
In 1998 I served as the Student Body President of the University of California, Berkeley and graduated with my Bachelor's in Philosophy, with an emphasis in ethics. I am currently in graduate school at the University of Chicago studying literature and ethics. In addition to being a proficient classical musician, my knowledge as an African American classical scholar affords me a rare perspective into the assumptions undergirding public education in our democracy, and I have brought this knowledge to bear on Adam’s Landing.
The completed 83,000 word manuscript is available upon request. A self-addressed stamped envelope is included for your convenience. Thank you for your time. I look forward to hearing from you soon.
quote:Aeschylus writes, “All knowledge comes from suffering,” and Claymore travails awkwardly through love, physical beating, and his rigorous curriculum, never missing a chance at embarrassment or torture, he gains an awful wisdom at the steps of the University of California.
The bolded is just poor English. You either need a conjunction in there or a semi-colon or to make it a separate sentence.
The top paragraph still doesn't really make sense to me. You leave far too much up to the reader to connect the dots with. What is an ensemble novel? What does it mean to be a deeply incompetent track athlete and why is this worth mentioning? I guess the girlfriend who is not quite his girlfriend (whatever the heck that means - are they dating casually? did they break up?) maybe went to Princeton. If so, how the heck does he get swept away by his crush to UC-Berkeley?
The last sentence of the first paragraph, besides being a very abrupt shift, is again poor English; your "Through the..." clause doesn't match up with the active voice main clause.
Seriously, Tom's suggestion is around a hundred times better than what you are writing.
Posts: 10177 | Registered: Apr 2001
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posted
The problem is that Tom's suggestion sounds like Tom, and I can't make it agree with my constitution.
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quote:Claymore Roe, having been swept into UC-Berkeley by his desperate crush and designs to win her over at the future Olympics, finds himself with an injured back and his only reason for studying, the object of his desire, 3,000 miles away on the other coast of this wide land, blissfully unaware of his affections.
You've got a lot of plot and a lot of ideas here, Irami, and they're all a bit muddled up.
Think simplicity. Break up your sentences so that they only express one or two ideas each.
As an example, here is my synopsis for 'The Lord of All Fools' that I sent to Wizards of the Coast:
quote:My novel, "King of the Bone-yard," is currently being developed. In it, Lisk is gifted with wings that whisper other people's secrets to him. When Lisk's family is driven insane by a vengeful wizard, Lisk is forced to track the wizard across a war-torn continent to seek a cure.
"King of the Bone-yard" is the first in the "Lord of All Fools" series.
To show that such an approach is effective, an editor at WotC asked to read the entire manuscript when it's completed. So...
I admit I don't know much about how the literary publishing world works. I do know that almost all the advice I've heard from agents, editors, and publishers circles around 3 points: brevity, exactness, hook.
Posts: 14554 | Registered: Dec 1999
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posted
Irami, what do you think of this as a reworking of your first paragraph? I'm trying to retain your voice in it as much as possible, while clearing up some of the problems that I saw with it.
quote:The literary novel Adam’s Landing is an ensemble piece revolving around Claymore Roe, a track athlete, following his girlfriend to college. Except she's not quite his girlfriend. Or even necessarily aware of his affections. And he isn't accepted to Princeton, as she is.
When he is offered a track scholarship to UC-Berkeley he takes it, hatching a desperate plan to win her over by becoming an Olympic track star. An injury soon scuttles this dream and he finds himself with a bad back, 3,000 miles away from his only reason for studying.
If you like this, or at least like the direction of it, let me know and I'll go over the rest of it.
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The problem is that the book isn't about why he went to college. I wanted the most plausibly inane reason I could think of to show that people go to college for some morally unattractive excuses. All of this happens in the first chapter. The real story concerns the different subjects he and his friends study, how their aspirations change based on what they learn about themselves and each other, and why they remain in or around school through it all.
Scott, I broke up some of the sentences, but it's still too awkward.
I'm done fiddling with it for the day. I'll take another pass tomorrow.
posted
Sorry, but now you've shifted into writing just plain bad English. Get someone else to read the novel and synopsize it; you're too close to it.
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posted
This is the first draft I wrote a few months ago. It may be clearer than anything I've produced lately.
quote:
Adam's Landing (83,000 words) is an ensemble piece chronicling four students from their senior years in high school through their college years. Claymore, Greg, Vivian, and Jarvis all enter their first year at the University of California, Berkeley with practical and profitable aspirations, but after a few tragic decisions, the quartet becomes complicit in a variety of crimes. Claymore, the athlete who followed his high school love to college, ends as a broken icon of his generation. Greg, the high school valedictorian and curer of souls, falls to corruption, then purges himself by joining the military after the World Trade Center bombing. Vivian, the Korean born violinist and scientist, learns to carve her own path from the wishes of her family and her teachers. Lastly, Julian, the catalyst for all of their growth, tries to forgive his parents for being poor and black at such an inopportune time. The underlying themes in Adam's Landing concern the opposing expectations placed on these students by the University administration, the taxpayers, the students' family and friends, and how these students cope in the light of what they learn about themselves, their history, and the nature of dignity.
posted
While it isn't perfect, its about a million times better than the one which was initially posted, IMHO.
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quote:concerns the different subjects he and his friends study, how their aspirations change based on what they learn about themselves and each other, and why they remain in or around school through it all.
This should be in it. It is very clear.
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posted
Reading the new (second posted) version is easy. Reading the other (earlier posted) one was hard. (I'd have to think about why to give you details, but I will try shortly. [and ScottR has already done nicely at this, I see on reread])
For this, easy is good. The can be value in making a reader stretch his or her attention span, but not in a synopsis proposal. Straightforward, clear, easy read seems best to me.
--- Edited to add: But a question -- the first focuses pretty much solely on Claymore, the latter describes the novel as an ensemble piece. Which is more accurate and how much? (i.e., how much of the focus of the book is really on Claymore to the exclusion of the others?)
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posted
Claymore is 35 to 40 percent of the book. The book rotates through three POV characters. He is like Giligan, though, jumpstarting everyone else's plot.
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"the high school valedictorian and curer of souls, falls to corruption"
"learns to carve her own path from the wishes of her family and her teachers."
Yeah, but these collections of words don't MEAN anything to me. Honestly, it's like reading Brown or Paolini if they'd gone to Haaaahvahhd and gotten rarefied.
Shed the pretense. Embrace clarity. It takes discipline and self-denial to do so...so you're automagically a better person just for the exercise.
Tell us what you mean when you say "falls to corruption." To me, that means he starts writing stories about mild-mannered women who find salvation in adultery. And thusly gets published in the New Yorker.
quote:The underlying themes in Adam's Landing concern the opposing expectations placed on these students by the University administration, the taxpayers, the students' family and friends, and how these students cope in the light of what they learn about themselves, their history, and the nature of dignity.
Choose ONE theme that is attractive to your market. Sell the query on that one. (I like the "nature of dignity" line, myself).
I like this version better, simply because "ensemble" means more than one character. Before, you mentioned ensemble, but didn't fulfill the expectation of multiple characters.
Posts: 14554 | Registered: Dec 1999
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posted
Now you're just being silly, Scott. Irami isn't aiming his novel at fans of the OSC School of Clarity. He is trying to impress the Literary Establishment that OSC so likes to denigrate. These people LIKE obscurity and ambiguity in their reading material. Then they can write convoluted criticisms explaining what the author really means to each other and generally disagree vehemently. And feel smarter than everybody else that can't be bothered. They really like that.
Irami, something I think you shouldn't lose track of: the ONLY purpose of the query letter is to get the editor to request, and start to read, the entire manuscript. So what if the query doesn't capture your unique voice, or sounds like Tom, or doesn't exactly -- or even closely -- convey what the novel is about. As long as it gets the editor to READ the manuscript, all those things will become clear to him once he does that. The query won't be part of the finished book, it won't be used in marketing and the only people ever reading it (well, besides us) is the editor and his assistant. Once again, the content of the query is totally irrelevant as long as it gets the editor to read the manuscript. Then the novel will speak for itself, and if you have crafted it well enough, sent it to the proper target market and have a good deal of luck, a publisher will buy it.
I suggest that instead of thinking of what your novel is about and how to convey that in appropriately flowery language, you try to figure out what you can say that would make your target editor want to read it. Think Dan Brown and cliffhangers. What makes Tom's little snippet so good is that it makes you want to know what happens next. Claymore is injured, has lost the girlfriend he never had and is stranded in the wilderness of California without a back-up plan. Dum, Dum, DUM. We want to know what happens next. Send us your manuscript, please, so that we can find out.
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quote:Originally posted by Tristan: Now you're just being silly, Scott. Irami isn't aiming his novel at fans of the OSC School of Clarity. He is trying to impress the Literary Establishment that OSC so likes to denigrate. These people LIKE obscurity and ambiguity in their reading material.
Hmmm. I think what this particular piece of text is aimed at is getting out of the slush pile; i.e., getting some stressed-out and grumpy soul who is going through a whole stack of pitch letters to take a second look. That's a far different goal than impressing the "literary elite," whatever that may be.
I'm still trying to work through this in my head. I think an analogy might work, but it will take more thinking. (Mind you, this is a non-writer's opinion, so I'm explicitly not claiming expertise in the area. I think I know what Scott R is getting at, though.)
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Edited to add: Aha! I see you went on to say the same thing I was thinking, more or less. That'll teach me to respond without reading everything carefully. Posts: 14017 | Registered: May 2000
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I'd love to read a hundred good ones to get the rhythm.
There is no big bad antagonist, just a bunch of kids stumbling over themselves making their way through college. They just happen to be tripping over more interesting issues than most kids take the time to perceive. The issues concern what these students will do or say knowing that they have to sleep with themselves at the end of the day, balanced with what these kids will do and say knowing they'd like to eventually sleep with others.
The world isn't in balance. This isn't about life, death, or revenge. I think that most of us sell our souls at different times in our lives, and these kids, through circumstance, good breeding, and better reading are damned to the unfortunate insight of knowing what they are doing as they do it. And on top of that, there are some false positives where warped, anxious morality perceives a problem where there needn't be one, and its opposite, careless negligence where unnecessary thoughtless leads to poor consequences.
As to a broken icon, how about Christ if he hadn't gotten up again after Barabas lashed him. What if he just laid there like a dead fish? Or even Hussein, if he had moped through the trial instead of firing back.
A curer of souls who falls into corruption, how about a priest who knowingly accepts mafia money in minor pinch.
It's funny. Had I said a "maker of money," everyone would have known exactly what I meant. I don't see how these descriptions are any less clear, but these are the terms I think in so who knows?
I'd still love to have a hundred good queries sitting at my desk.
There is nothing wrong with clarity. And I don't understand most of the poetry I read, and I usually end up resenting the poet for it, so it's not as if I'm trying to be obscure.
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Yeah, I wasn't saying that. Scott said he didn't understand what I meant when I said, "A curer of souls." I thought "curer of souls" was a clear description. Then I contrasted it another description, "Maker of money," assuming that more people would agree that the latter is a clear description. That's all.
In the book, the curer of souls is the guy everyone comes to for emotional or spiritual problems, and he seems to know how to fix them. His dad, who he's tried to emulate, gets indicted for accounting fraud, and the kid has to come to grips with the knowledge that all that he is, his character and his education, are based on a criminal's character and paid for with a criminal's money. The problem is that he kind of likes who he is-- and so does everyone else around him-- so it's hard to damn the system that's made him and the father who has molded him. After his dad is hauled away, he pulls some dirty strings to help out his friends, now that he knows that this is how the game is played, everything works out for his friends, and for him, instead becoming a crooked businessman or an ascetic Jesuit in retaliation, he splits the difference and goes to Afghanistan to fight for the America that produced him and the America that produced his father.
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I'm interested in a story about a priest who winds up having to take a loan from the Mafia. I'm not interested in a story about a "curer of souls" who "falls to corruption."
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"Maker of money" is not a clear description. This could be anything from a business owner to a plastic surgeon to a corporate lawyer to a stockbroker to a guy who works at the Mint.
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On my other computer I have a link or two to some query letter sites. I think one is the Evil Editor, with tips on a good query letter.
His big point is that you spent so much time and effort getting your novel just right, agonizing over every word until it's as good as you can possibly make it, that it would be a terrible shame if no one read it because your query was bad.
Me, I think the novel part is probably easier, or at least more fun.Sadly, I have no personal advice, as I have never attempted a query. (I saved the link against a rainy day )
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