I scanned the guru's book. On the one hand, the dialogues seemed robotic and even annoying (though the people in them didn't seem annoyed). Something like
A: This really pisses me off, man. B (doing nonviolent communication): It sounds like you're feeling angry about something. A: I sure am. Somebody at Hatrack said my ideas were stupid. He used the thing too. B: It sounds like you'd like to feel more respect. A: Yeah. That guy, he's such a a**. B: It sounds like...
If I were A, I'd want to smack B, and say, Yes, that's what I said, stop repeating everything!
OTOH I like the idea that I think this is trying to get at, of letting conversation be less of a combat (not all the time, to be sure) and more of listening to understand. Anybody here familiar with this sort of work? Maybe there's another writer that has a more developed view.
I'd also heard of this, attributed to Landmark Forum. 3 levels of listening: 1. I hear your beliefs. 2. I hear how you feel about those beliefs. 3. I hear the intention you have in making these statements. Sort of like B's comment "Sounds like you'd like to hear more respect."
Just exploring this topic, looking for more ideas.
Posts: 1877 | Registered: Apr 2005
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Isn't this the same thing as "active listening?" B's method is a good one if he's truly seeking clarification. I agree that it would get rather annoying if he kept it up, however.
Posts: 413 | Registered: Apr 2003
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I went to a workshop on NVC a while back, it was put on my the polyamory discussion group I'm a part of. It was sort of interesting but seemed awfully fluffybunny to me; however, that could well have been because of the presenter and not the material. What I took from it is that we all have the same needs (there was a huge list of them in the handout, for everything from physical safety to recognitio of peers to play to intellectual development and on and on), and if we all understand each others' needs and help each other find ways to meet everyone's, then our lives will have far less conflict in them.
Posts: 957 | Registered: Aug 2002
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I stopped going to therapy because my therapist kept doing active listening (and because she couldn't get over the fact that I wasn't going to cry in front of her). Our conversations would go like.
Me: So, someone said this, and it really upset me. Her: So, you're really upset, huh? Me: (Stare at her for a second) yea...... Me: And then they did this, and it made me a little scared. Her: So they made you scared? Me: (thinking) That's what I just said, you stupid bint!
Conversations should consist of more than someone repeating the other person's statements. If I want to hear an echo, I can go yell in a valley, I don't need anyone else's help.
Posts: 4655 | Registered: Jan 2002
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Yep, works real well. Insteada being angry at the original irritant, folks wanna beat up the "nonviolent" "communicator".
Posts: 8501 | Registered: Jul 2001
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I was trained in active listening by an extremely good Pastoral Care & Counseling professor. When it's done well it is not annoying and the "repeats" are clarifiying rather than echoes. Also, using "So" and "huh" and anything resembling a question mark intonation is a good sign that it's not being done well.
Posts: 9866 | Registered: Apr 2002
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Grrr, my mom used to do that to us and it made me SO MAD! (The repeating stuff, not the whoopin'.)
Posts: 21182 | Registered: Sep 2004
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When active listening is done well it's quite effective, and isn't even really a noticible thing. I actually use it here now and then.
[Edit--or actually, no, that isn't quite right. I find that for me, if I'm having to actively "use" active listening it's pretty much already guaranteed to be a failure. It's more that it's become an organic part of my conversational style, and that in certain circumstances it comes to the fore. It isn't a question of me deciding to use it, or thinking consciously "this situation needs some active listening!". It's just something that happens for me, these days.]
Posts: 16059 | Registered: Aug 2000
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I have a roommate who does that, and it can be infuriating, especially when I don't feel like looking up from my book and having a conversation in the first place.
However, she has calmed down a little bit, so maybe it only happens when she's uncomfortable and is not sure what to say.
Posts: 26077 | Registered: Mar 2000
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thing too.
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