posted
My palms are sweating, I'm shaking, I'm having trouble controlling my breathing (earlier I was hyperventilating and I think I'm starting again), I feel dizzy, and I am crying. I feel like the walls are closing in, and I feel about nine years old.
What caused this? My parents are asking me to pass messages. My brother got himself arrested, again (actually, he also got my mom's door busted down, which she can not be too pleased about) and my parents are both trying to figure out his lawyer and stuff. They don't talk to each other. Their lawyers can't even talk to each other without yelling. My mom's whole side of the family left my wedding reception early, making some lame excuse, because they didn't want to be in the same room as my dad and his family.
I have been trying to stay out of the whole situation with my brother because, well, I have enough trouble in my life already, I've warned him many times of the road he was on, and frankly the way he treats me is not worth getting involved. I have been doing a pretty good job of it, too. Of course I love and care about my brother, pray for him, hope that everything works out for the best. But I think learning that his actions have consequences might really be good for him.
But anyway, this evening my dad called and said, "I hate to do this, but I need you to pass on some information to your mother." Long story short, it's about a lawyer, and money, and all kinds of things that my mom probably doesn't even want to hear; she tends to disagree with my dad just because it's my dad, on principle. But my dad says they need to work together to help my brother and he has no way to contact her so can I please do this? I was kind of silent, hoping he would understand that I really didn't want to do it. But then he said, "I really need you to do this," and I heard myself saying, "Okay," because I couldn't handle saying "no" and being accused of not caring about my brother and my dad being mad at me and reminding me of everything he's ever done for me since I was born and that I'm an ungrateful horrible person.
But when I hung up I couldn't do it. I suddenly felt about nine or ten and the hyperventilation and shaking started. Every single time I ever told either of my parents something the other said, something bad happened, whether big or small, and I always bore the brunt of it. I tried to dial my mom's number and burst into tears and shook so hard I dropped the phone. So I called KPC, who thankfully understood, heard the tears in my voice, and said he will pass the message on. I hate to do that to him because I know he doesn't like passing information but I just couldn't do it but I had told my dad I would "pass on the information" so this was the only way I could fulfill that promise. And then my dad called again and I couldn't pick up the phone. I just couldn't. I literally ran away-- I ran down and got the mail. When I came back he had called three more times. (I did take my cell with me but he didn't try it. I probably would not have picked it up if he did. Even though it might be about picking Emma up from preschool.)
And now I feel really bad because this is not a constructive way to deal with the situation, or for that matter my childhood emotional baggage, and yet I can't deal with it. I am still crying and panicky. I hate running away and avoiding it but I just... can't right now. I have already been moody and emotionally fragile, as I always am when pregnant, and last time I had this much stress while pregnant I actually started bleeding. So that's scary on top of everything else.
I don't even know why I'm writing this, I guess I just needed to get it out of my system. Sorry to dump on you, Hatrack. I think I'm gonna go try and find something I can stand to eat and see if I can find a mindless game to play or something mindless on tv to watch. And I'm now even more ashamed because those are even more avoidance mechanisms.
Posts: 21182 | Registered: Sep 2004
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posted
Oh kq, those are healthy avoidance mechanisms, don't you dare beat yourself up. I'm so sorry. I wish your parents weren't doing this to you. Good for kpc helping you out.
Posts: 3149 | Registered: Jul 2005
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I'm sorry. You are pregnant and have enough to be getting on with. I am sorry to be blunt, but it is up to them to handle their problems in a mature way and not put them on you. Panic attacks are no joke... They are deeply distressing.
Posts: 9942 | Registered: Mar 2003
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I'm real short on the advice front, but I've said a prayer for you and will continue to do so. And for your whole family. That is a horrible situation to be put in. Maybe you can get kpc to screen calls for you, and to just tell your parents "no" for you?
Posts: 2849 | Registered: Feb 2002
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Aw, I'm sorry, KQ... I'm new to the boards and don't know you yet but I feel for you. Being stuck between our parents always makes us feel like we're nine again. You're doing fine, don't feel bad about how you reacted. I don't have any advice, but I hope everything works out!
Posts: 57 | Registered: Jul 2007
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Syn is right, KQ. No disrespect to you intended, but your parents need to start acting like adults and not petulant children.
And you...you need to take care of yourself. If that means avoiding the situation, you should not feel guilty for doing that. You've got yourself and that baby to be responsible for, and that's enough right now. By asking you to be responsible for their stuff, your family isn't showing much respect for you and they just need to cut it out.
posted
Oh, honey, I'm sorry things are going so badly.
When something like this happens, that's the definition of a crisis, and the things you are calling "avoidance mechanisms", those are things that you are using to get your coping levels back up. That's good; that's the best thing you can do for yourself. If you start feeling panicky again, the best thing you can do is identify some things that have helped you feel better in the past, decide which of those things you are going to do right now, and do them.
Please take care of yourself. You're in my prayers.
Posts: 910 | Registered: May 2000
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KQ: I can't tell you how much I want this situation to change for the better. Your family is in my prayers.
Sometimes it takes some time for us to brace ourselves to respond to such a situation. Don't be ashamed that you just couldn't handle it then and there. You must do what you think is right of course, but I would caution against the route of, "I can't stand to see either of you angry at the other and since you are you will not get the benefit of my love."
Though I am not sure, I'm assuming both of your parents love you as much as they ever have. It's unfortunate that your brother has chosen such a terrible path, but chosen he has. All I would do is support both my parents insofar as it comes to them trying to assist your brother in a proper manner. I would not allow either of them to vent to you. Just tell them you are not interested in discussing that particular topic.
I think I know how you are feeling right now. Though I do not feel comfortable divulging the details of this particular incident, it happened just a few days before you met me.
I dropped the phone and just cried uncontrollably and within seconds my younger sister walked in the front door to pick me up for a reunion. The embarrassment and the fact months of emotion had found a way out made it worse.
After I cried myself out I decided that I needed to think carefully about what I was going to do and just laid there while I mentally walked myself through everything. By the time decisions had to be made, I was ready to start making them.
Mrs. BB sends her love. I know you can get through this.
Posts: 14316 | Registered: Jul 2005
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KQ, they're right - this is for your parents to act like adults and deal. It's not your responsibility to act as mediator between them just because they're too stoopid or immature to act like adults. Tell your dad you can't get involved, or get KPC to do it, but either way, step out and take care of yourself.
And you're not doing anything wrong, and you have nothing to be ashamed of. I'm sorry you're going through this. Posts: 8355 | Registered: Apr 2003
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Thanks, guys. I feel better now. I think I needed a good cry-and-whine.
And it helped that Emma got home and Bridey woke up and I didn't have time to think about it too much 'cause I was chasing them.
quote:You must do what you think is right of course, but I would caution against the route of, "I can't stand to see either of you angry at the other and since you are you will not get the benefit of my love."
I got over the fact that my parents hate each other long back, at least enough to get on with my life. I still am not happy with the way they act, which really is rather infantile, but I can deal with it most of the time. It's just being put in the middle I can't handle; too much flashback potential to "You're only bad when you come back from your father's" and "I would never say anything bad against your mother but [insert bad things about my mother.]"
And the fact that it involves my baby brother, who I spent most of my childhood trying to protect and have only recently dealt with the issue that it wasn't that I failed him, but that it was not my job to be his parent, just compounded it.
I still love my parents, and always will, just like I will always love my brother. But that doesn't mean I have to love all their choices or do what they want me to in their little things.
I agree with everyone who says my parents need to grow up. But as I don't anticipate it happening any time soon, I guess I just need to have a plan in case I am put in this situation again.
Posts: 21182 | Registered: Sep 2004
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You have NOTHING to be ashamed about. Your duty is to Emma and Bridey and the new baby and KPC and you are a fantastic wife and momma. I don't want to comment on your family, but it seems like it's a toxic situation that has little hope of getting better. You should think about how you can just take yourself out of the equation. Can KPC guide you in dealing with this? Sometimes people outside the situation can give us better perspective than we can ever have from inside of it (that's certainly true for Andrew and me).
Posts: 3037 | Registered: Jan 2002
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posted
Historically, this is where I find having/being a spouse is useful. Because I'm not biological kin, I can say things Christy wouldn't be able to say -- and in this case, I think KPC would be perfectly justified in saying, "Look, here's your ex-wife's contact information. Let us know how it goes."
Posts: 37449 | Registered: May 1999
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I am hugging you from not so afar, kq. I'm all too familiar with that kind of familial dysfunction, and with the horrible feelings it brings. Especially when you get caught in the middle. I was born in the middle; the middle is where I'll always be.
I hope everything is less daunting in the morning.
Posts: 3936 | Registered: Jul 2000
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KQ -- you are in a tough spot and I'm so sorry. Everyone's thoughts are spot on. Here's a hug and prayers for you that things smooth out.
I just have an image to offer. It was offered to me when I started suffering panic attacks after finding a dead family member by suicide.
The shaking that occurs with panic attacks is like the wind gently blowing the old leaves off of the tree . . . the old leaves have to come off for there to be new growth.
I don't know if that's even remotely helpful -- but just holding on the the idea of the shaking helping me to get rid of the yuck so that new life and peace could enter in was reassuring to me.
Take care -- you are okay. It's them crazy ones around you that need to get a clue!
Posts: 5609 | Registered: Jan 2003
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Please understand that you have to take care of yourself first. You do not have to do what crazy family members tell you you have to do. That concept is key. Repeat it to yourself. It's very liberating. You're in the one in charge of how much and what kind of contact you have with your family. If they pressure you/punish you/bully you/drag you into their fights then the very best thing you can do for both yourself and them is to refuse to comply. Just absent yourself from the whole situation until the bullying/pressure/punishment ceases. This may take years or just a few months or however long it takes.
Here's how they will respond. First they'll freak out and call you horrible names and throw tantrums. Then when you don't respond to that they will act like they are cutting you out of their lives forever. Then when you don't respond to that they'll gradually calm down and get over it. Then when you've waited long enough they will actually treat you decently for a short while. Just as soon as they think you're back, they'll start back in, though. Then you need to be firm and again distance yourself.
The rule is, so long as they act nice, they get to have contact with you. If they act badly, you cut off all contact for a period of time that extends based on how badly they acted. No need to argue or say a word. Just say "oh I'm sorry I have to go now" and don't answer the phone, respond to email, or any other contact for a period of time you choose.
If you're crying and shaking and panicked, then you definitely owe yourself a good long holiday from your own personal crazyfamily.
After 2 years of doing this it worked to turn my relationship with my mom totally around. I would say now that we have a good relationship, when before it was totally dysfunctional. Realize when you're enduring the tantrum phase that the good part will come later, and will make it all worthwhile. You'll wish you had trained them to act better years before. I know I did. They need you to do this for them because unfortunately, they are still kids and don't know how to act or how to control themselves. You will be doing them a gigantic favor.
Good luck. Let us know how it goes.
Posts: 6246 | Registered: Aug 2004
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posted
Tatiana, that doesn't work when you rely on your dad to pick your daughter up from preschool and your mom is the only babysitter your kids will stay with...
Really, usually, they are very good about this. This is the first time they've actually asked me personally to pass messages (although they have asked Jeff before.) Today was a... unique situation. My dad did (finally-- after years) give permission to give my mom his phone number and say he would accept her calls on this matter. (My mom, of course, did not. They are both paranoid about the other having their contact information-- even though I'm pretty sure they could both find it out fairly easily and I know they each know where the other lives, but they pretend the other does not know their address.)
Posts: 21182 | Registered: Sep 2004
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posted
I am so very sorry. I can't even imagine being in the middle of something like that. I have no advice, just good wishes.
Posts: 2149 | Registered: Aug 2000
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I echo everything Mrs M said, and also everything Tom said - don't feel bad about asking KPC to help you. I'm sure he doesn't mind - like you wouldn't if the situation was reversed, and he can usefully stand as a buffer just to shield you slightly if needs be.
Posts: 4393 | Registered: Aug 2003
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posted
Yeah, it sucks your parents aren't acting like grownups, but as Tom says you need to put them in touch with each other and then get out of the way.
It's not your problem that they don't like each other, and it's frankly not fair for them to guilt-trip you into making it your problem.
Tough love is called for here.
Posts: 5462 | Registered: Apr 2005
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((kq)) Yup, sounds like a panic attack all right. I had very bad panic in my last pregnancy and some things me therapist recommended were deep breathing and taking a walk. Panic is a state of physiological feedback so these things can sometimes help. They won't fix the situation, but can soften the degree to which it is making you unbalanced.
Posts: 11017 | Registered: Apr 2003
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I second the deep breathing. Also you can try those stress balls. Playing with modeling clay helped me once when I was totally stressed. My therapist gave me some.
Posts: 6316 | Registered: Jun 2003
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Have you ever just stopped trying to be a grownup and had a temper tantrum/meltdown in front of your parents?
I don't have that kind of dynamic in my family, but I've had it elsewhere in my life. I found that the couple of times I couldn't take it anymore and just plain freaked out that everyone around me (who viewed me as the stable, reliable one) was in such a state of shock that they suddenly started acting like grownups.
I'm sorry you're stuck in such a nasty situation. They obviously love you and you them, I'm just sorry they can't express it by leaving you out of their "stuff." Posts: 3149 | Registered: Jul 2005
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quote:Originally posted by Morbo: I second the deep breathing. Also you can try those stress balls. Playing with modeling clay helped me once when I was totally stressed. My therapist gave me some.
Coloring books help as well. I had a couple of friends in college who kept coloring books and crayons in their dorm rooms for when they got really stressed out.
posted
My solution would be to make my husband call my parents and say "My wife is pregnant with my child. Dealing with you guys is stressing her out, which is bad for my baby. So, I can not allow her to be involved in this. Sorry." I would actually probably send it by e-mail and write the messge myself and sign my husband's name (telling him I was doing so).
Posts: 1001 | Registered: Mar 2006
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posted
Having a temper tantrum is really tempting.
The would probably even excuse it, seeing as I'm pregnant.
But I don't think it would work very well.
My best therapy is cooking. Especially for large groups.
Luckily, my husband's graduation party is a week from tomorrow, and I'm busy planning the menu and all right now.
Posts: 21182 | Registered: Sep 2004
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quote:My solution would be to make my husband call my parents and say "My wife is pregnant with my child. Dealing with you guys is stressing her out, which is bad for my baby. So, I can not allow her to be involved in this. Sorry."
I'm all over that. Great suggestion, scholar.
kq, you really do need to consider youself and your girls and your little one you're carrying. You don't need this. They are adults and should step up and be responsible and deal with their own issues. Involving you is really immature of them, and since it's obviously detrimental to your emotional health right now, step back and put up some boundaries.
I'm all about honoring thy father and mother, but only after you've taken care of yourself, your kids, your unborn baby, and your husband. If honoring your parents is getting in the way of that, then it needs to stop. Besides, enabling this behavior of theirs is not really honoring them. They will be better for it if they have to learn to act like grownups and communicate without using their daughter as a go-between. This is an opportunity for you to practice some tough love.
quote:Originally posted by Morbo: I second the deep breathing. Also you can try those stress balls. Playing with modeling clay helped me once when I was totally stressed. My therapist gave me some.
Coloring books help as well. I had a couple of friends in college who kept coloring books and crayons in their dorm rooms for when they got really stressed out.
-pH
I chase ducks. But YMMV on that one...
Posts: 2849 | Registered: Feb 2002
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Belle, I agree that I need to take care of us first.
I think my family has kind of, well, judged me for not being all indignantly on my brother's side, or at least involved in his problems.
But I decided a few months ago, when my brother threatened to stab and kick Jeff, and Emma overheard and asked tearfully and worriedly, "Is Uncle Michael going to kill Abba? Is he going to hurt him?", less than a week after he screamed menacingly at my mother while Emma, Bridget and I were in the room and would not stop screaming, and when I asked him to stop and leave turned his yelling on me, while Emma sobbed, terrified, and asked when he left, "Why is Uncle Michael mad at me?" that it was time to cut my brother and his problems out of my life as much as possible until he dealt with some of his issues, for the sake of my kids and myself.
Posts: 21182 | Registered: Sep 2004
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posted
Yeah, and that calling Family Services on you stunt was pretty over the top as well. If anyone else in the family thinks you should have that crap in your life then so what if they judge you? I know it's easier said than done to ignore the opinions of your own loved ones, but really, it's just an unsound judgment and their problem. And I daresay there's an element of them preferring you to deal with his problems so they don't have to, and I say pass the buck right on back to them. It doesn't mean you don't love your brother, and don't let anyone put that spin on it, it means you're standing up for yourself.
Posts: 3149 | Registered: Jul 2005
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KQ, his threats against your family are not at all cool, and neither is his call to Family Services, and yeah, you did the right thing. You have to protect your family first, physically and emotionally. If your parents don't understand that, then, well, they're not too bright. But considering how childish they seem to behave at times, this would seem to be consistent behavior. Posts: 8355 | Registered: Apr 2003
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I don't know if this will help, but I have a brother who is difficult. I decided that while I love him, I cannot get caught in his destructive behavior. So, I don't deal with him. And my life is better. Realistically, his life isn't any worse than it was before. His life is bad, but nothing I did before or could do now will improve him. Eventually, the rest of my family started taking a similar attitude and he is surviving on his own. His life won't be good until he decides to change things. Coming to realize this has helped me not feel guilt over not including him in my life.
Posts: 1001 | Registered: Mar 2006
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