posted
I have started writing a story and was wondering if any one would like to read it.
here is a small preview:
quote: “Have you seen any suspicious activity lately?” One of the Doners, an officer, asked Cyo-luno. “No”, He replied, a wary tone in his voice, “Is something wrong officer?” “We’ve just had some vandalism around the port,” Said the other Doner, “We were just trying to assess the damages.” “We’re fine, nothing looks damaged,” Cyo-luno told the Doners, “If you want I can be on the look out.” “That would be greatly appreciated,” The first Doner replied. “You’re the only one, so far, to offer to help us out,” The second Doner said, “Most just don’t care about the others safety.” “I wish there were more we could do to help them,” The first Doner added.
If you are interested Email me at lee(at)logonomics.net
posted
No offense intended, but please fix the spelling issues... asses... not to mention the grammar. That comma after most just don't care totally tripped me up.
Posts: 2705 | Registered: Sep 2006
| IP: Logged |
posted
I would strongly recommend that you pick up a style manual. You've made some basic spelling and grammar errors there that will make it difficult for anyone to take your writing seriously.
Posts: 37449 | Registered: May 1999
| IP: Logged |
posted
what do you mean about being skeptical that it wasnt an older version. It is, it was posted here [at Nauvoo].
[Lostincyberspace, while we recognize that there is some crossover between Hatrack and Nauvoo, it's been requested by the Cards that we not link directly to specific threads there from here. --PJ]
[ November 21, 2007, 06:35 AM: Message edited by: Papa Janitor ]
Posts: 30 | Registered: Nov 2007
| IP: Logged |
posted
Aww, come on, Tom. You're gonna scare him off
It's an alright start, but there are some issues.
First, there are still a number of errors in it. Something is a single word, for instance.
Aside from any other grammar problems, one thing that jumps out at me is that you aren't being consistent with your labeling of your characters. Are there 3 people conversing in this scene or five? I had a hard time figuring that out. Mostly, this is because you change the way you refer to both of the Doners. Originally, they are Doners, then they become officers. That gets pretty confusing. Once a person as introduced as something, make sure they stay that way.
Also, it may help to give us a better introduction to this conversation. Right now we have no idea who is talking, who they're talking to, what they're talking about, or why we should care that they're talking at all.
At any rate, there's actually a very good secondary forum here on Hatrack that was designed specifically for helping people learn to write better. The Hatrack Writer's Workshop is a good place to submit short pieces of work for others to critique and for you to critique their work. More importantly, people there are at least a little bit less likely to be Captain Grump like Tom Posts: 3003 | Registered: Oct 2004
| IP: Logged |
posted
there is more of a set up before this part but I didn't post it because it would violate first use rights. and this actually has some story
Posts: 30 | Registered: Nov 2007
| IP: Logged |
posted
I do agree with Tom about picking up a style manual - I think that could do you a world of good. Despite your edits, there are still some basic errors there that, quite frankly, bother me too much to want to critique your piece. Posts: 8355 | Registered: Apr 2003
| IP: Logged |
posted
All right, so here's my critique of what you've provided; I'm not interested in reading the whole thing, alas.
It's usually not a good idea to start a story-- or try to hook people-- with dialog. Dialog generally requires an association with a character to be effective. We don't know your characters here; and the dialog is just kind of generic.
How do you pronounce the word "Doner?" Dun-ner? Dah-ner? Dough-ner?
I hate hyphenated names. Why-- in the culture in your story-- would they hyphenate their given names? Does the hyphen indicate a pause, or a different sound when the name is spoken?
Cyo-luno has too many vowels in it. Sorry-- I've got my prejudices, and I'm proud of them.
Everyone else has already mentioned the grammatical problems. Let me be specific: when you close a question or a statement in quotation marks, the following pronoun indicating who spoke is NOT capitalized. As in:
quote:"That's a fine looking yoach," she said.
If you close the dialog with a period or question mark, and do no put in a said tag, then the next word is capitalized:
quote:"That's a fine looking yoach." Jane brushed Kemp's hair out of his eyes, and poked his stomach with her long finger.
Alternatively:
quote:"That's a fine looking yoach." She brushed Kemp's hair out of his eyes, and poked his stomach with her long finger.
Unless the dialog is interrupted mid-stream by a said tag, then dialog from the same speaker is not preceded by a comma, but by normal punctuation:
quote:"That's a fine looking yoach." Jane brushed Kemp's hair out of his eyes, and poked his stomach with her long finger. "Now eat your grits. We've got a big day ahead of us, and you'll need your strength."
Here's how to do the mid-phrase said tag:
quote:Jane swung up into the carriage, and helped Kemp up with her. "Boy," she said to him, "we've got a long way to go."
Said is never capitalized if it is part of a tag. Unless you're being all fancy and archaic:
quote:Said Madam Bennett to Lord Houck, "My Lord does not know the power of the Darke Bride."
Generally, you want to double-space between lines of dialog when you post them on the web. Aesthetically, this looks better to readers, and is easier on the eyes:
posted
Nice, Scott, and productive. You have patience and a deft touch.
(I'm taking notes. )
---
Edited to add:
Lostincyberspace, the Writer's Workshop that Boris linked to above would be a great place to get feedback. People are generally hanging out on this part of the site for conversations, and reading other people's writing with an eye to feedback is almost always a lot of work. And when reading the work of a relatively new writer, giving feedback will come with the reading -- it is almost never possible to read something unpolished purely for enjoyment. People who are strong readers and/or strong writers themselves will generally be reading unpolished things as a favor, not as a treat.
Inviting people to do it for you in the midst of a more social situation often makes them grumpy, rather like a movie producer being offered scripts by the waiter serving him his dinner. Of course he can refuse, but it isn't the most polite time or place to put him on the spot in the first place, you know? He's there for the filet and some schmoozing with his buds.
You shouldn't be discouraged from writing like this! That part is great. It's just a separate area of this site is perfectly dedicated to this sort of thing, and that's the place where you will get the warmest and most welcoming response.
This isn't specific to you, by the way. It would be the same for almost anyone. We have had some very polished writers share their stuff on this part of the site when it was relevant to the ongoing discussion, and that worked out well. That is the exception that proves the rule, though.
Printer-friendly view of this topic
![[Big Grin]](biggrin.gif)
![[Smile]](smile.gif)
