posted
KoM’s thread about diet/weight goals relates to an internal struggle I have been experiencing recently. What degree of effort and focus on physical appearance is “appropriate” and balanced? How does one balance emotion with reason?
To provide a little more background, here’s my situation:
Prior to the last month or so, besides basic hygiene (showering, deodorant, toothpaste), I never put much thought or effort into my physical appearance, (except for doing a few things out of the ordinary like growing my hair long or like the time I grew a 3-foot Jedi braid). Shaving was an occasional, arbitrary activity except when necessitated by work or such. I didn’t buy clothes (literally, I only bought underwear and socks). I mostly wore “inherited” clothing that friends or roommates were going to discard. I didn’t style my hair beyond giving myself occasional haircuts. On many, MANY occasions I was given non-stellar feedback from friends about my image (I was told I needed an “ultimate makeover,” that I was too skinny, that my clothes were too baggy and not matching, that my appearance communicated indifference, that I looked grungy and homeless, etc). I regarded such comments as expressions of vanity, not contemptuously, but believing that focus on image was disingenuous in really knowing and valuing people.
Now turn the page to the last several weeks. After coming out just over a year ago, I have just recently started on a journey toward genuine dating with hope of finding a relationship. But now it’s like my world has turned upside down. In the past when out on dates with women, I never felt an ounce of concern about how attractive I looked. Those dates were comfortable and safe. But now, for me dating is etched with trepidation about my appearance and presentation. I am discovering that body image and appearance seem to be very important in romantic relationships. At first I didn’t want to admit it, as it is almost humiliating to admit that I have become highly concerned about my body image and appearance, but I have.
A few weeks ago, on advice, I changed my wardrobe and bought clothing that was much more form-fitting. I was surprised how much of an immediate effect it had. On the first day I wore it, my good friend and his boyfriend came into my work and noticed within seconds. They didn’t stop talking about how I looked, which was odd as neither of them is a fashion freak and my body is nothing amazing. They were not the only ones. It seemed everyone noticed. I was surprised by the confidence such a small event instilled in me. Since then, an obsession with image enhancement has exploded within me: designer underwear, new glasses, teeth whitening, exercising for body image (not just fitness), cologne and body spray, skin care products. Also planned for the near future are more extreme measures including perhaps Lasik eye surgery and a hair transplant to reclaim some of my receding hairline (and yes, I did investigate to find the most reputable and capable doctor for the procedure).
With my brain, I intellectualize how suddenly crazy this image obsession is, but my emotions will not listen to anything reason has to say about it. And honestly, I don’t think they want to. But somehow I know the imbalance is probably not good.
Posts: 293 | Registered: Apr 2000
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posted
I have always been image conscious, but image has never been really difficult for me.
Except for clothes. Good god, I hate trying to find good, fashionable male clothing. Today I went shopping, came back with a Roar Lazarus III button-front shirt, duotone Aqua VI shirt, and an Obey leather jacket. Three things. three. Took me half the damned day.
Part of the difficulty is that even in the largest shopping centers, three quarters of the stores will have nothing for men. Then half of what is left you have to rule out for being terrible (hey, walked into an A&F lately?), and then what is left you have to pick through to find the 1 in 1000 items that will actually go good in an ensemble.
As for your predicament? Continue exercising. Do the lasik eye surgery. Get your hair transplant. Skip the designer underwear. Do the things which are actionable improvements for your life and body image, but fight back against the superfluous designer-buying-mania. You sound like you're falling headlong into a cathartic shopoholic-culture response. Screw it. You still have time to shape that element, as long as you can figure out how to feel good for scoring good deals rather than just getting a rush for virtue of purchasing fancy crap.
Posts: 15421 | Registered: Aug 2005
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quote:Originally posted by Samprimary: image has never been really difficult for me.
so you're a natural stunner, marvelous!
quote: came back with a Roar Lazarus III button-front shirt, duotone Aqua VI shirt, and an Obey leather jacket.
a WHAT, a WHAT, and a WHAT?! I know nothing about brand labels or about creating fashionable ensembles. For me, form fitting clothing was a huge leap! I don't have any idea what those brands are. And I suppose my definition of "designer underwear" was likely mistaken. It was just much fancier than anything I have ever owned: spandex-cotton trunks with cool designs that I found on internet male underwear sites.
quote: but fight back against the superfluous designer-buying-mania. You sound like you're falling headlong into a cathartic shopoholic-culture response.
Yes, there is a high level of catharsis involved, but hopefully my buying is not yet superfluous. And as I just realized reading your post, I don't think I qualify as designer-aware. But the advice is great. I shall purposefully abstain from learning anything about elite designer labels.
posted
Image is how you choose to present yourself to the world. It's your first chance to try to tell others who you are. There's nothing wrong with trying to get that image to reflect what you think it's important that people know about you.
We've mentioned it in other threads before, but price on clothes often correlates to how they fit and hold up with wear. If you have to buy the $100 jeans to get them to fit right, then that's what you should buy. (My nice jeans were $120 but for casual I can do $35 Levis and cut some off. I'm short.) Price isn't necessarily something to feel bad about. There's a show called What Not To Wear where they give the makeover contestants $5,000 to buy a new wardrobe, and they spend every bit of it.
I also don't think you should feel bad that people noticed you. We're social creatures. Why shouldn't you want to be noticed and remarked on in a positive way? It's healthy, in moderation.
Just try to be authentic to who you are, and I bet with some practice you'll be just fine.
Posts: 2283 | Registered: Dec 2003
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posted
Check to see if there is a clothing store called Buckle near you. They can really help you pick out some outfits to match you. They will hem your jeans for free if needed (it's different than a pair of dress pants). Try to think about who you are, and what do you like. Find your own age appropriate style. If you have any friends who know fashion, ask them! Remember this is about you and there is nothing wrong with that. Lasik is a great idea, but the hairline is something else. I used to obsess about my receding hairline until I realized your confidence and comfort in your own skin is much more attractive than chasing after some illusion of beauty.
Posts: 1918 | Registered: Mar 2005
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posted
There's nothing wrong at all with taking an active role in improving your appearance.
A sort of related story: My best friend always rolls her eyes and talks down when her sister and I talk about what we want in a potential date, because we always say we'd like someone at least somewhat attractive. It's not shallow to want to be attracted to someone. Or, if it is, then shallow as a negative quality loses all its value for me. The irony here is that my best friend, in what to the rest of us looked like an exercise to prove her point about not having to date someone attractive, dated a guy she wasn't even slightly attracted to physically but had a great personality. It ended very, very badly. Anyway, the moral of the story is that wanting to be attractive isn't a bad thing.
Personally, I've had a sort of love/hate relationship with my body image for the last decade. And I've also considered what I think are drastic steps in order to solve what I see as my problems. I wear contacts, but LASIK sounds nicer and nicer every day. I only hesitate because of the occasional horror story I hear about complications, and I'm still not ready to take the leap. I've always been fairly skinny, though for the first time since high school, I put on weight earlier this year that has made me feel a little self-conscious. I need to get back into a regular work out routine to take those five pounds off, and put some muscle on.
And I'm with Samp on clothes. Well, possibly except the fancy underwear. I have one pair of expensive underwear, and its the most comfortable piece of clothing I own.
quote:I used to obsess about my receding hairline until I realized your confidence and comfort in your own skin is much more attractive than chasing after some illusion of beauty.
Hair transplant surgery is probably what I'm least likely to do. I've made peace with the fact that I'm losing my hair, but I recently switched shampoos to something more targeted, and the hair loss seems to have plateaued in time to still look okay. If and when it picks up again, I'll just shave it down and rock the bald.
But I do recognize that a full head of hair is something both sexes readily look for in a dating partner. My being comfortable with it is good for my own self-esteem and happiness, but it's only going to go so far to get a date. Must be different when you're married.
Posts: 21898 | Registered: Nov 2004
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quote:Yes, there is a high level of catharsis involved, but hopefully my buying is not yet superfluous. And as I just realized reading your post, I don't think I qualify as designer-aware. But the advice is great. I shall purposefully abstain from learning anything about elite designer labels.
naw man learn about that stuff! it's just that you can save yourself a LOT of trouble at this juncture by training yourself to get the shopper thrill from great deals rather than from the acquisition of expensive stuff. It's like co-opting shopaholism psychology to your benefit. Or something.
Posts: 15421 | Registered: Aug 2005
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quote:a WHAT, a WHAT, and a WHAT?! I know nothing about brand labels or about creating fashionable ensembles. For me, form fitting clothing was a huge leap! I don't have any idea what those brands are.
match with: black or silver pants, dress shoes. any optional accessories must match shoes. ta-da, a mostly monochrome ensemble.
Posts: 15421 | Registered: Aug 2005
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posted
One of the reasons why I love LA is that there are tons of vintage stores/thrift shops here were I can pick up clothes on the cheap. It can be more time consuming than a day at the mall, though.
But I've found that hitting my half a dozen favorites stores once a month or so will yield a few nice items for around 30 bucks.
Posts: 5462 | Registered: Apr 2005
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quote:Originally posted by DarkKnight: Check to see if there is a clothing store called Buckle near you. I used to obsess about my receding hairline until I realized your confidence and comfort in your own skin is much more attractive than chasing after some illusion of beauty.
One of the shirts I bought came from Buckle. As for the jeans there, I just balked at them in derision and walked away. I have never paid over $50 for jeans.
About the hairline, yeah confidence is king there. I'm not actually too over-obsessed about it. But apparently it is important. My sister (or as I do not recall clearly, at least someone like her) helped me put it in perspective: a hair transplant costs about the same as a set of braces. Like she said, how are teeth more important than hairline?
quote:Originally posted by Samprimary: you can save yourself a LOT of trouble at this juncture by training yourself to get the shopper thrill from great deals rather than from the acquisition of expensive stuff
Ah, I see. And thanks for the links. I may be able to handle monochrome.
Posts: 293 | Registered: Apr 2000
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quote:Like she said, how are teeth more important than hairline?
Teeth are a heck of a lot more functional, and not getting the full use out of them can be a handicap. I don't know much about orthodontics but I think sometimes the issues being addressed are NOT cosmetic, but more about fixing real problems with function & comfort.
Hairline and the strictly cosmetic features of teeth? yep
Posts: 4287 | Registered: Mar 2005
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quote:Originally posted by Anthonie: Like she said, how are teeth more important than hairline?
Even as far as aesthetics go, I disagree with this. But teeth are far more than aesthetic -- unstraightened teeth can compromise jaw alignment, make it harder to keep teeth clean, and a number of other health-related issues.
The only health issue with balding is sunburn. Wear a hat.
Posts: 32919 | Registered: Mar 2003
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posted
For me, image is all about ME, not my clothes. Clothes that draw attention are not permitted in my wardrobe (either because they are too flashy/expensive/trendy/ostentatious, etc. or because they are too grungy/worn/outdated/cheap, etc.[work-clothes excepted])
In fact, I've adopted a "no logos" policy (or, no logos bigger than my thumbnail in a few cases). If The GAP, A&F, T. Hilfiger or anyone else wants to pay me to be a walking billboard for their products, I'll happily entertain their offer. I absolutely refuse to pay them to advertise their products.
Let your personality shine and don't worry too much about the other stuff.
just my 2¢
Also, I found that a #1 clipper attachment solves the hairline problem! Posts: 692 | Registered: Feb 2000
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posted
How you treat your body is a testament to how much you care about yourself and shows a person’s attention to detail. Many of the skills and attributes that are used in selecting clothes that fit right and look good are used in many of the facets in life. A person who dresses well and puts an effort into looking good generally can appreciate it when other people do the same. Of course all of this has to be balanced to a certain degree as no one loves a narcissist, except themselves of course.
That and one of the great things in life is to appreciate the beautiful things in the world. We are all not perfect 10s, but there is something wonderful about looking as good as you can.
Posts: 1753 | Registered: May 2001
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Every time a 20something of either gender is out walking around in mom jeans (google it) because they can't be bothered to size themselves right, the universe dies a little.
Posts: 15421 | Registered: Aug 2005
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quote:Originally posted by Black Fox: How you treat your body is a testament to how much you care about yourself and shows a person’s attention to detail.
I know that's what they taught me in the Army, and while working or in a uniform of some sort I think you have a point.
But otherwise? Not so much. It depends on what I am doing. I will dress differently to go play pool than to go out dancing. I am always clean, at least when I start out (I DO live in FL), and hygiene to me in very important, but the state of my clothes doesn't matter to me most of the time.
Posts: 15082 | Registered: Jul 2001
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compounding that is the fact that one's 'fashionable' attention to their clothes often caps at "am I wearing a large enough kitschy tommy hilfiger logo??"
Posts: 15421 | Registered: Aug 2005
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You should get used to paying more than 50 bucks for jeans. Me, I have a few pair or stylish jeans that were between 100-150 bucks (on sale), and one pair of cool GAP jeans that I got for free. I also have several jeans that probably cost the initial owner more than a hundred bucks that I got from a thrift store for about ten bucks. These comprise what I call my 'rocker jeans'.
I also have one or two pair of old, worn-in Old Navy jeans that are baggy and comfortable. These are my 'house jeans'. Also, 'driving pants'.
Posts: 5462 | Registered: Apr 2005
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posted
I really like this thread. It drives me nuts when guys just wear crappy clothes all the time. It's okay to wear a t-shirt and jeans but they should be t-shirts of reasonable fit and quality and if you're doing anything more fancy you should dress as appropriately as you can reasonably afford.
I'm not just saying this as a woman for dating purposes but as a person for people purposes. I used to believe sort of like you, Anthonie, that appearance was-- or should be-- irrelevant. But now I believe that it reflects the person we are. Not in a "I wear black therefore I am a goth" way but in a "I take care with myself which shows I care about taking care with other things."
Obviously, there are people who take care in their appearance to the detriment of everything else, but looking nice and-- even better-- interesting shows you are engaged in the world to some extent.
I explained this to a rather non-image conscious male friend who was quite taken aback at this. But geeky guys look out-- it might be because your appearance* is crappy that not too many people want to date you, not because people only like "mean guys".
* The bit you choose. The vast majority of people look perfectly nice, I find, provided they take care.
Side note: I'm not the best dressed person ever, because I have no income so I buy necessities only, but I do try to take time to dress up when it is necessary. I was quite mad when some jeans I bought turned out to be sort of the wrong size! I don't have the money to buy the size down :E.
quote:Originally posted by Teshi: but looking nice and-- even better-- interesting shows you are engaged in the world to some extent.
Yes, as I am finally realizing.
Thanks for the pic link, Teshi. But is has no captions, so I must ask: famous people or random fashion models? (Er, even if they were ultra-blockbuster movie stars or music artists, I likely wouldn't know. Not much up on that.)
Posts: 293 | Registered: Apr 2000
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posted
That's the cast of White Collar. He's a crook earning his parole by helping the FBI. I haven't seen it yet, but I hear good things.
Posts: 2283 | Registered: Dec 2003
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Ha, yes. That's the cast of the tv show White Collar, as AvidReader said. The (male) lead is particularly interested in how he looks (well, somewhat).
I just felt this thread could do with some classic style, heh.
AvidReader: It's a solid show. I enjoy it as a decent reasonably-fluffy show but it's nothing absolutely splendid.
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I don't have any idea what those brands are. And I suppose my definition of "designer underwear" was likely mistaken. It was just much fancier than anything I have ever owned: spandex-cotton trunks with cool designs that I found on internet male underwear sites. ![[Blushing]](graemlins/blushing.gif)
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