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Author Topic: Gaijin Smash!
Blayne Bradley

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I have stumbled upon (via tvtropes) a blog by a former JET participant who taught English in Japan for a few years before moving on (I think) to other things and it's hilarious.


Since I intend to do the same this is making for an incredibly fascinating and worthwhile read.


This was a doctor skit, and out of a class of true performers, this version was played by two superstar boys. These kids are more entertaining than Japanese TV ever will be.

The skit started out with Boy 1 sitting at the front, wearing a white lab coat (borrowed from the math teacher, and no, I don’t know why the math teachers wear lab coats) and glasses. Boy 2 walked down the desk rows, giving off a fake smile and whistling the theme to “Fuyu no Sonata/Winter Sonata.” Suddenly, a third boy ran up and stabbed him (only hardcore Asian entertainment fans will understand that reference). Boy 2, in great pain, managed to, literally, crawl to the doctor.

Boy 1: Oh, Hi Yon-sama. What’s wrong?
Boy 2: I have a pain here. (clutching his stomach)
Boy 1: When did it start?
Boy 2: (Taking a pained moment to think about it) Oh, about five minutes ago.
Boy 1: Ok. Open your mouth.
Boy 2: (very slowly and dramatically) …Aa…aa…aa…aaahhh.
Boy 1: Ok. I think you’ve been stabbed. (How he figured this out from looking at his mouth, I’ll never know.) Here, I’ll give you some medicine.

Note that here, Boy 2 was supposed to say “Thank you,” and leave. However, they decided to ad-lib the final part.

Boy 2: But… this medicine won’t work! It can’t fix stab!
Boy 1: Oh, yes, I see. Then I’m sorry. You will die.
(A very slow, very dramatic crying scene. Boy 2 then got up and started to leave.)
Boy 1: Wait!
Boy 2: (Turning around, with a hopeful look in his eyes, and clasping his hands together.) Yes?
Boy 1: That’ll be 30,000 yen.

I guess HMO’s suck no matter what country you’re in.

So true!
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Blayne Bradley

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It also seems as if the English teacher and I were wrong on one point at least – the gender. Despite our efforts, some boys ended up with letters from girl students and vice versa. One boy called me over for a question. “This name… how do you read it? And is this a boy or a girl?” The name was kind of ambiguous (damn you upper middle class white America. Stop naming your kids after fruits, mountain ranges, seasons, Toyota sudans, and whatever “trendy” thing you come up with). I told him it was probably a girl. The boy slowly stood up (I swear, almost in slow-motion), pumped both fists into the air, and triumphantly exclaimed “….YES! I got A GIRL!” The other male students sort of bowed to him in a jealous reverence.

These are the same boys who, if for some reason paired to work with girls in a class activity, will retch and contort uncontrollably until spasms occur, ensuring a trip to the school nurse. But having received a letter from an American female, this boy suddenly became Leonardo DiCaprio on the bow of the Titanic. Y’know, before it sinks. Astonishing.

It just keeps getting funnier and funnier. I'm seriously worried when I go over I'll be incapacitated from all the hilarity.
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