There is a bit of a POV problem, you pull the novice trick of descibing your POV character's external appearance by way of introduction. I don't know if there is a logical reason that an experienced author would ever pull a trick like that, but my recommendation is to knock it off. If Jameen wants to compare and contrast the appearance of a few of the soldiers under his command to the appearance of the novices they've arrested, then so be it. Just don't have him obsess over his own appearance, which he probably doesn't have much occasion to see in your milieu.

<<Jameen a’Riman surveyed the dim room, hard-faced yet smiling inwardly at his work.>>

There's a slight problem of psychic distance with this passage. You start off very objective—Jameen a'Riman—and then move very quickly to something subjective—surveying the dim room, smiling inwardly at his work.

<<Now past his middle years, he had a graying beard and a square nose, eyes sharpened and hands hardened from battle.>>

This is fine, though graying beard tells us that he’s not young.

<<He had been in the Regal Guard more than half his life, loyally protecting the Districts of Hallan from threats both inside and out.>>

“Threats both inside and out” is too much of a cliché for me.

<<Today’s arrest was a large step in preserving that unity.>>

“Large step in preserving...” is too much of a cliché for me.

Let’s stop here. The real problem with this paragraph is a lack of a consistent point of view or psychic distance. You move from telling us objective things about this man—such as his full name, what he looks like, a bit about his past—to telling us very subjective things about him—what he’s doing from his perspective, what he’s feeling. Even the arrest is out of place. A basic principle of composition is the unity of the paragraph. Figure out what you want to say here and say it.

<<On the dirt floor before him, bound by rope, sat four men and a woman. No. Four boys and a girl.>>

Sorry, this is just bad. It’s a cliché insofar as it’s often used in regular speech to hone in on the truth. If you’re writing from a 3rd person objective point of view, the narrator would never write this. And if you’re writing from a 3rd person limited point of view, your hero would know if he’s arrested adults or children.

<<They couldn’t be more than twenty years old, any of them.>>

This is already made clear by the use of “boys and girls.”

<<They were plain-clothed now, the boys all in breeches and shirts of various colors, tied in the front with several strings of cloth.>>

For the sake of imagery, you should clarify if each boy is wearing a different colored shirt, of if each boy is wearing a multi-colored shirt. If it is the latter, tell us the colors. Vividness is one of the hallmarks of good writing.

<<The girl wore a loose-fitting white dress, ankle length, also with a small tie at the neck.>>

Fine as is.

<<In each of their rooms, though, Jameen’s guards had found more incriminating garments: white robes with a three-triangle emblem on the chest; the training cloth worn by Tyros of the Elenoi.>>

I sadly admit that I’m a huge ZELDA player (even at 30!) and a three-triangle emblem is the icon of that game.

<<Jameen scoffed aloud at the thought. Training to serve Arinon, he thought. Arinon! Old fairy tales from ages long past. Ignorant children.>>

Once again, you’ve ruptured the viewpoint.

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Jameen a’Riman surveyed the room, smiling openly at his work. High Commander Hallan will be pleased. Twenty-three seekers of Arinon arrested, six wearing the three-triangle emblem, marking them as Tyros of the Way. Jameen scoffed aloud at the thought. Training to serve Arinon. Arinon! Old fairy tales from ages long past. Ignorant fools...

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If you want the reader to care or feel sympathy for the prisoners you can achieve that through other means. Have a guard slapping one around, or something in that vain. It depends on what you want to have percieved, but actions are more enjoyable than being told "the prisoners were abused".

Intriguing, did catch my interest.

But (yes, there is a but) ...

I didn't think you should describe the main character's appearance. It seemed out of place and he probably wouldn't be thinking about his own appearance, particularly not at this time.

Also, putting actual thoughts in italics is no longer necessary. It will be assumed, if you just state it with no quotes, italics, or anything else, that this is in the pov character's head.

I would also consider starting a new paragraph with "Training to serve..." I think this is very important information, the real thrust of your intro, and should therefore be given its own paragraph to show its importance.

Now I'm going to read everyone else's comments...

Whew, I usually don't have much to add at this point, but some of the feedback you've received needs some disputing/clarifying/additions.

First of all, completely scrap that second attempt at writing this. It was pure stinky stuff. (please insert the word I really meant in lieu of "stinky stuff".)

Second, that line by line blow by blow account of your story was harsh, and I disagreed with some of it. Every time the word "cliche" is used I become wary. There is some truth to the idea that you can't just use everyone else's coined phrases to write your story, but especially in a short story some of the things you use serve the purpose of rapidly provoking the desired imagery. Keep them.

It is true that you need to get a better handle on your point of view. I don't know about "psychic distance" I've never heard that term used, but I think I understand the point. And here's the thing, you can dip more deeply and less deeply into a pov character's head in between paragraphs. Just make sure to stay consistent within a paragraph and never LOSE the poitn of view. For example, if in the first pragraph you want to step back and let the readers know who this guy is and what's going on, that's great. But some things almost never come out in a pov character's head, like what they look like and what the unconsciouss expressions on their face are. (hard faced is almost always an observed look) He might have his years of service in the back of his mind, particularly at such a crutial moment, so introducing us to the character in that way is fine.

I didn't have a problem at all with the "four men and a oman. No. Four boys and a girl." I found it to be believvable and it conveyed lots of information to me. For one thing, it conveyed that they were on the cusp of adulthood, which is true. It also conveyed to me that the main character felt a little sorrow at having to make this arrest, that perhaps these people simply did not understand the error of their ways. It really set me up for the last line in your intro.

I can see why you don't need to specify their age after the previous line, though. It is redundant.

I forgot about Zelda...I used to love that game! Welll, NOW that's going to be what I see. Wouldn't have been before. Anyway, use whatever symbols you want, they all get repeated between fantasy epics anyway.

Never use "he thought" in third person limited. This is a trick, to stay inside the viewpoint characters head and yet not switch to first person. Think of it this way, this really helped me...What you want to do is convey ATTITUDE rather than thoughts or emotions. You're really close, but you're currently messing it up with the "he thought" and the italics.

And that's about as long a post as I ever make.

quote:

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Jameen a’Riman surveyed the room, smiling openly at his work. High Commander Hallan will be pleased. Twenty-three seekers of Arinon arrested, six wearing the three-triangle emblem, marking them as Tyros of the Way. Jameen scoffed aloud at the thought. Training to serve Arinon. Arinon! Old fairy tales from ages long past. Ignorant fools...

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But that doesn't offset the fact that it isn't very good as POV. You tell us that Jameen surveyed the room, then tell us almost nothing about what he sees, unless (in this version) there are twenty three arrested seekers of Arinon present in the room. We are told that they are arrested and six are (or were) wearing the Tri-Tri emblem. Jameen apparently is not very observent--he doesn't notice whether they are facing him, or facing the wall (I'm just assuming that there is at least one wall), standing, kneeling, tied up or knocked unconscious...you get the idea. This paragraph is in consistent third person limited omniscient, but we get almost no information out of it.

I wouldn't call it stinky stuff, but it certainly doesn't interest the reader as much as the first version you posted.