posted
This is a story I'm trying to polish off for WOTF. This is version 4.1. (Meaning the first minor revision to the major rewrite of version 4.0....I have a system.) Anyway, I'm hoping to polish this off in the next couple of days, at which point there is probably not enough time for a full critique before I have to sent this off, (postmark is June 30, a wek from tomorrow) but perhaps I could at least find out if they're going to read past the first few paragraphs or not.
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Zoie knew she looked shriveled and old. She did not need the exuberant stares of the descendents attending her birthday party to tell her that she had begun to look every one of her 283 years. She could feel those years all by herself.
She had lost count of how many greats preceded this generation’s grandchildren. Not that it mattered, none of them saw her as anything more than a piggy bank that was just about to pay off. Her descendents had been waiting for her to die for over a hundred years. Many of them had died themselves in the wait, disappointed and penniless.
“You’re looking well, Grams,” one of them said with a twinkle in his piggy eyes.
“I’m dying.” She could not remember his name, but she bet he would slide it in. After all, he had about 10,000 distant cousins to beat out in her will.
Sure enough, “Come now, Grams, this is Thomas you’re talking to. Tell me what’s troubling you.”
“Selfish descendents who think I owe them money,” Zoie snapped.
[This message has been edited by Christine (edited June 22, 2004).]
posted
Odd juxposition of piggy bank and piggy eyes, considering they are referring to both sides of the money fight.
I can't say I was really hooked, although I'm not really sure why since I can't point to anything obvious. I'd give it a Line by the standard we were using over in the other section. Maybe the 283 year thing just wasn't enough of a draw for me to get over my general uninterest in people swarming about waiting for old people to die. <shrug>
posted
Hmmmm....I can see that. Perhaps I should try something else, then, since this story is not about people waiting for her to die. The intro was just a way to introduce the concept of her age, impending death, and character. In the very next paragraph the subject switches to what got her that way, maybe I should start there. But I'll wait to see what others think first. Posts: 3567 | Registered: May 2003
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posted
I thought it was an interesting opener. It was kind of funny, so I would keep reading. I would expect the story to be about people waiting around for her to die, based on the opening, though.
Posts: 1528 | Registered: Dec 2003
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posted
Somebody (probably EJS) gave the advice that if a scene is boring, then you should have one of your characters do the opposite of the expected.
In this case, the obvious bet is Thomas. Have him not mention his name. Better yet, have him give her a straightforward solution to her problem of selfish descendents.
For mentioning what got her that way, go ahead and one-line whether her case is unique or merely unusual, along with a name for the life extension.
But I'm going to point out that this story is starting with an unusually bored, jaded, cynical, and self-pitying character. The fact that none of her thousands of descendents has offed her yet tells me that they are all either quite decent sorts or too humble to think they could get away with it. If I had that many decent or at least humble descendents (who hadn't offed me), I would be quite grateful.
Anyway, starting with a bored, jaded character is a pretty big handicap. I'll assume that you want to keep her as she is. But that means that you need to give us a little extra jazz in your opening.
posted
Is this better or worse, especially given the fact that this story is meant to be a little dark. Oh, and I did change her age, that's just a thing I decided to do.
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It had been 282 years since Zoie had last seen her childhood home. The decrepit old mansion buried deep in the heart of the verdant Ozark Mountains required four-wheel drive ground vehicles to approach. No actual road or airway had ventured near the house in almost two centuries. It had been condemned until a year ago, when Zoie commissioned its restoration just in time for her 300th birthday.
She had been born in that house. It was only fitting that she die there.
“They say this place is haunted,” said the driver as they first observed the lights of the extravagant party.
“Who says that?” Zoie asked.
“The construction boys,” he said. “They wouldn’t stay past dark.”
“Is that why it took them so long?” Zoie asked.
The driver had no answer, which suited Zoie fine. She had mixed feelings about her decision to return to her childhood home, to the place where her parents had experimented on her and turned her into the Forever Girl, as the media had coined it.
[This message has been edited by Christine (edited June 22, 2004).]
[This message has been edited by Christine (edited June 23, 2004).]
posted
My husband liked the first one better, too. He said the second one was too dark, and you're right, it leaves out a sense of character and replaces it with a sense of histor. It was a trade-off that, given some of the responses that people were bored reading the first version, I thought they might like better.
Strange, Spencer, because there was no actual action in either beginning. The biggest difference is that in the first one she's at the party already and in the second she's driving up to the party, reminiscing about things. If anything, I'd say the second version had *less* action, but maybe some more suspense?
posted
Yeah it's a tradeoff..... and remember, you can't please all of the people all of the time. My friends (who are honest, they've told me many times they hated some of my stuff) love my opening and say not to change it...but people here like more action. 2 seperate audiences. I tend to love shows that end up getting cancelled so I probably write for a smaller audience.... So when I say I like your first one it probably means its talking to a similar audience.
A wider amount of people respond to stuff like Davincie Code which starts of with action...moving around..getting stuff together....a bit of history explaining he's in the louvre and what he's doing.
Your second one is similar...the car is moving.....she talking to someone and mentioning the house is haunted. It starts off on the go.
The first one is more for someone like me. I'm in someone's head, and the action is all mental. I'm getting a sense of the woman and not just what her ancestors are doing but how she thinks about them, her bias. Are they as fickle as she makes them out to be? Or are some actually concerned and she's misenterpreting them. I mean she's 283, who wouldn't say "This is me gran, david" or whatever. To me all the haunted stuff is a great background to this Character..... The other makes the character just someone in this great world that promises intrigue.
That's why I like number one.
of course i've already said that, just over explaining I'll stop now.
PS...not big on the acronyms yet...what's WOTF stand for?
[This message has been edited by Speaker (edited June 23, 2004).]
posted
Writers of the Future....it's a contest for non-published (well, you can enter until you've published one novel and it's sold so many copies or three short stories in pro markets as defined by their rules) writers.
They have a contest every quarter.....let me just show you the web site. it tell you all you need to know....
posted
Ok, I am certainly not feeling qualified to have an opinion on this but, hey, why not.
So, I liked the first one better. It seemed darker and more interesting. So she seemed jaded and cynical. Why not after 300 years? I felt the second one made her seem more self pittying than the first. Maybe do a mix of the two? What are these "mixed feelings" she's having? Maybe she could have them internally but still respond to people externally in a cynical way giving her more depth. (?)
posted
Hey Christine. Here's a thought. What if you combined the two scenes. I think the reason I get more of a sense of Zoie in the first one is that there is conflict in the scene.
What if you put one of the great+ grandchildren in the car with her? Like he was the one assigned to pick her up from wherever she came from, or he had been the one in charge of the renovation?
posted
I've got the second ending on my current draft for now. I could put the first one back in (with a little smoothing) or I could work up something different.
I was wondering...I've got a draft that I think is ok, about 4700 words. I know it needs smoothing; I'll be doing that over the next few days, but if anyone has time before the end of the wekend, would you be willing to give me some advice? (The sooner the better, since I intend to mail this Tuesday.) I don't expect an outpouring of offers for help on this one, since I've got a tight tiem frame, but if even one or two people can make some suggestions, it would help.
posted
Thanks guys! I sent this out to the 3 people who volunteered. I just realized that I forgot to size it down to a normal font before I did so, however. If you fine 20 point font annoying, feel free to adjust it....I just happen to have low vision and so I write in that font. (I have yet to forget to size it down before sending it for publication, so it's all good. )
Posts: 3567 | Registered: May 2003
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posted
From what I understand of the story you're trying to tell, the second version is a lot better. I personally like it better because Zoie comes across as a fairly normal person who happens to have an interesting history rather than a rather revolting person who I wasn't eager to know better.
Posts: 8322 | Registered: Aug 1999
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posted
I liked the second version better myself. Somehow giving her the "Forever Girl" name, and putting the ghost hint upfront was more intriguing to me. Survior also hit on what I was probably objecting to in the first version -- I didn't care for the character as presented. If you still need another pair of eyes for comment, I've got some time and could probably even get it back to you by Thursday night.
Posts: 652 | Registered: Feb 2002
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After receving feedback from two wonderfully helpful people, I am now up to version 5.0. I like it a lot better. Aside from being almost 1,000 words shorter, I think it gets to the punchline faster and wraps up in a more satisfactory way. I took Mary's advice and then some by cutting the entire party. The story now takes place a week in advance of the party and barely mentions the money-hungry great-grandchildren.
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I'll stop now.
