posted
SF, 6500 words. I'd love readers, but also would like comments on the first 13. Thanks!
Mary
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Aage Llievang had dreams. The chief among them involved a 1952 MG TD. British Racing Green. Wood dashboard and a four-stroke engine. That was his problem. Trying to buy a private car meant filling out things in triplicate.
Heck, just trying to buy gas for a combustion engine involved more paperwork than anyone had ever dreamed of, except for final exams. He'd tried explaining to his mother, but she had shaken her head. "Now, Aage. Really. Your own car? A car? What would the co-op think?"
"Mom, this is a classic! 1952 MG-TD."
"British Racing green… Yes, Aage. I know. Your father knows. Your grandmother knows. We all know about the car."
"But Mom, there's one up for auction on the Web and I'm too young to bid and you've gotta to help me."
posted
I'm kind of behind on work right now. (Spending too much time here, I suspect.) But if you'll give me the week, I'll try. I like your robin story so far, and I think I see where this one might be leading. So, go ahead and send it over, emails in the profile.
Steve
PS. What’s the preferred format for sending these files? PDF? I’m doing everything on Corel, but can handle quite a few other formats.
posted
I'd definitly be interested in reading more. I'm going away for the weekend, so if you are still looking for readers on monday, sent it over!
At first I thought "Aage Llievang had dreams." meant that this car was repeaditly in his dreams at night. I didn't realize until "That was his problem." that you meant he aspired to buy a car.
Anyway, this seems quite promising. Your use of "co-op" and "Web" both seem a trifle off, but that may or may not be repaired by their use later in the story.
Initially, "co-op" seems like a milieu indicative replacement for "neighborhood". Perhaps if you used a term that equated more closely to "neighbors", that would fix it.
Specifying that the aution is "on the Web" also seems a bit off. Perhaps you could use a more specific term that would clearly imply that the aution was on-line, but would also give more than just that.
Of course, "you've gotta to help me" is funny sounding in its own right. But if you're not going to do it a lot (as a sort of running gag), then don't bother.
posted
What's wrong with co-op? Such a simple small word sets an incredible amount of scene, gives an idea of time and place and the attitudes of all the people...I'm seeing this as kind of a near-future speculative sort of piece, am I right? Kid wants a car, but the current society frowns strongly on such things...it's like a continuation of the "everybody against SUVs" thing. Can I read it?
Posts: 8 | Registered: Jul 2004
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Aage Llievang 
